Body Image

I should be blogging about our journey to Chicago. If I was a real blogger and good at blogging, that's what I'd be doing.

So far I just have one main thing to say about it thus far… it's been hard.

Moving, traveling, settling into someone else's house, three little kids and trying to sort out bedtimes and naps and just management … it might not be so hard if our kids weren't so small, or so many. Aria accounts for like 3 kids by herself. So really, we have been caring for more like 5 kids.

But God is faithful. He has given us mercies and they are new every morning.


No. I actually want to blog about … my favorite thing to write about: body image.

This seems to be something I deal with on a daily basis. It's something I just get to keep coming back to. I'm thinking, "Really? Didn't we already deal with this a while ago? Wasn't I freed from this or over this or something like that?" Well, yes and no. I'm in a much healthier place than I have been. I don't think dark thoughts all day that I hate my body (not ALL day) and I don't go days on end bingeing and then exercising like a crazy person to make up for all of it.

At the same time, I do struggle. I struggle with seeing my body as being good enough. I struggle with looking pretty enough. I struggle with what I would call "body envy" where you look at someone else and score them next to yourselves. I'm amazed at how quickly my brain just automatically calculates how I measure up against another woman. It's like everyone who would score "worse" than me, maybe she's pudgier or something, I have a tendency to like more or feel more comfortable around. But the ones who score "better" than me, I have a tendency to be uncomfortable around and think that I'm less valuable than they are. This. Is. Ridiculous.

The Lord would give me a super tiny friend who sees none of that, just so I can see through her eyes what she's really thinking when she sees me. Let's just say this: she's not "scoring" me based on how big or small I am. And maybe if some corner of her mind does score me, she doesn't let that affect what she thinks of me.

The weight of baby number three is not coming off too well for me this time. I worked hard and tried not to gain much during the pregnancy, but it seems like the pounds are not moving. I will say that I have struggled a lot with stress eating during this move. Many afternoons it was all I could do to keep myself packing boxes and not looking for the next thing to shove in my face.

I want to start waking up every morning and thanking God for my body.

That's what I want to do. I don't think it will solve all of my eating issues or secret thoughts about how I'm not pretty enough. But I do think it would start to shift my mind in a different direction about it.

I need to remember that my body is a good body. It does good things like rock my children when they are tired or need comfort. It allows me to kiss my husband and tell him he's awesome. My body allows me to clean the floors that my children and husband walk on. There are people in the world who would love to have a body like mine. It functions well. It even stores up extra fat for if there's ever a famine. It's a good body.

I want to start thinking differently about food. Let me enjoy it Lord. Levi asked me the other day why something was salty and the only thing I could think of was because God made it that way and isn't He good for giving us such an array of flavors? He gave us sweet and salty and spicy and all kinds of mixtures and flavors we've never even tasted because we don't live in that part of the world… and isn't God just good?

He is good. He created food for our good. I want to eat whole, real food, not because it's the latest craze, but because that's the way God made it. It's how He designed our bodies to filter it. He created us to feel good when we eat healthy things. If I eat too much junk then my body is more prone to illness and I just feel worse. Help me to remember these things as I sit down to eat a meal.

Lord, you are the author and perfecter of our faith. You are my strength in my weakness. You are the One who reminds me a shows me who I am. Help me to be thankful for this body You have given me. Thank You that it is a source of comfort for my family and even for others outside my family. Let me be a place of rest for those around me. Let me give life to others around me. Let me value people and not "score" them. Let me see them as You see them. Thank You for new eyes. Thank You for my body.

The Redemption of My Physical Body: part nine

I want to thank everyone who has been so encouraging to me in this. You're the reasons why I have been able to be so faithful in my writing (pretty much daily). Thank you for your words, they mean so much to me.

I don't know why I went through the things that I went through or struggled with sin as much as I did. The human side of me wants to tell you "wait, I'm really not that bad, I still read my Bible and pray and I was a leader in our campus ministry and church..." But our righteousness is as filthy rags. This is why I'm a Christian as opposed to a Muslim or Buddist or Hindu, it's because of the salvation of Christ. I could never blot out my own sins, only the blood of Christ could do that. He washes me white as snow and I am now holy and pure before Him. So when I write about these things that I did in my flesh they are true, but God, who is holy, does not see them. When He looks at me all He sees is the purity of Christ. This blows my mind. That is why I have the ABILITY to be so honest here. That is why I don't care what you think. Not in a way that says "Nah Nah, I don't care." and sticks it's tongue out. But in a way that is honest in saying, your opinion of me does not matter. You are dead in your transgressions and so am I. But, if you trust Christ for your salvation you will be made clean and the only Righteous Judge will see us and allow us into His throne room.

I just had to say that.

I want to be really honest on here. If you don't want to hear my honesty, you can stop reading now. I would say that I had an eating disorder. If I could have thrown up I would have. Praise the Lord that I was never physically able to do so. I do remember trying some kind of tea from Wal-Mart (high quality, I know) called "Super Dieter's Tea, if you haven't tried this, then don't. It claimed to help dieters with extra energy. What it did, well, the only thing that I remember it doing was giving me intense diarrhea. I remember drinking it and then an hour or two later feeling my intestines seize and I had literally maybe 10 seconds. It was so painful, it was like my body was saying, I really really don't need this. Amazingly enough I tried it several times. Each time thinking that I could control it, maybe it would help me "cleanse" my system, but each time it was painful and felt... wrong. The world of eating disorders is a sad place. It is a hopeless place that is full of fear. Fear of being found out, fear of gaining weight, fear of not being beautiful. I look at the way I treated my body and I'm amazed that today it actually works properly. Well, semi-properly. :) I can't eat grapes, grapefruit, raisins, craisins and a few other foods without getting really bad gas. I think that came from eating too many of those things on an extreme diet I tried.

The more I think about it the more I see the truth in what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 10:23 "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is constructive. God declared all foods clean and good for food. But not everything that I put into my body is beneficial for it. I'm learning to eat what my body is craving, not my mind. I'm learning that certain foods make my body work better, but to eat a piece of cake is not a sin. To eat a whole cake because I am looking for it to fill the emptiness in my heart is a sin. This is mind-blowing to the regular dieter. I cannot tell you how many times I would go "off" my diet and then go back "on" on Monday. "I'll start over after this party, after I eat this bag of chips, this box of Lucky Charms, this carton of ice cream." ... the list could go on and on. The problem with that is my HEART.

Colossians 2 and 3 hit me so hard: Why do we submit to these worldly rules of do not handle, do not taste, do not touch? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts (our desires) on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds (our motives) on things above (on pleasing Him, worshiping Him), not on earthly things (body image, food, clothes). For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

Okay, so I added the parenthesis :) I would encourage you to go to these passages and memorize them, ask what God is speaking to you specifically through them. God gives us freedom, but we need to turn our hearts and our minds towards him and away from the world.

I feel like maybe I just preached a sermon. I'm sorry if you feel "preached at" these are just things that my stubborn heart has had to learn the hard and long way.

Thank you for taking part.