Pregnancy Update. 20 weeks.

Ah, the computer is so dangerous to pick up sometimes. I feel I could get lost in blogs, social media, food websites... forever. This is why I try not to pick it up too early in the day. I felt like I was needing to blog this morning though. I felt a few little flutters from Baby Boy inside and just thought, I need to blog about this for a minute.

Confession: I ate a lot of sugar yesterday afternoon. I think my blood sugar drops pretty low sometimes and then I try to spike it up again. Let's just say it's never a good idea to have marshmallows and chocolate chips as a snack. Never. I just didn't want to stop. I was about to say "couldn't" but I feel like it was more of a decision of my will and not caring. I usually care a few hours or a few days later.

Lord, help me to eat right and to glorify You. I want to be healthy for this baby. Sometimes I feel like I could eat a horse. Sometimes I'm exhausted or depressed and it just feels like food will fill it. It never fills that void, it only ever fills my stomach. Teach me to eat Father, You created my body, You invented pregnancy and all of it's intricacies and miracles, so Lord, Holy Spirit, please lead me. I need You. I'm helpless on my own.


Whew. It's good to just confess sometimes.

So I have been feeling tiny kicks and wiggles for the past few weeks. I have no idea when this started, I know some women keep track of all that stuff, and really, I have no idea. I also don't really care. I know that he is in there. I know he is a HE. That always makes a big difference in my mind. Now we can begin to think of names, now I can begin to dream of what kind of a place this baby will have in our family. In my mind it just helps. Kudos to the women who can wait nine long months to find that out, I don't think I can right now.

A friend recently was talking to me about how she's been learning that competition and comparison kill community. The thing about pregnancy is that people compare and contrast you all the time. "Oh wow, you're really skinny in comparison to my sister in law, she's huge." Or someone might say, "Are you sure there's just one in there?" It's like a whole new level of comparison. I have several friends right now who are about a month ahead of me. Of course they are bigger. Of course they make me look small. You wouldn't think that four weeks would make that much of a difference, but it does sometimes. We all grow at different rates and honestly, it doesn't matter who gains how much or who is tiny or huge or any of that stuff. When we compare it keeps us from rejoicing with each other over just being pregnant at all. There is always a winner or a loser when it comes to comparison. We look at the units instead of the person.

Lord, I want to just rejoice with my friends. I want to love them and be excited for them. I know soon we will all have our babies in our arms and then we will compare them. Lord, I want to just rejoice with those who rejoice and be glad and thankful for what You are doing in their lives and in mine. Help me to love. Help me to always seek the good. I pray that I would not judge, I would just leave that stuff up to You.

Comparison

I wanted to talk about comparison. I hate comparison. I measure myself up against others all the time. And I hate it.

This blog is me taking skeletons in my closet and literally throwing them out into the open. I am examining them, weeping over them, rejoicing over the victory of them, struggling with them. My flesh is weak and it wars against my spirit. You can read more about that in Romans chapters 6-8. I highly recommend it.

Here is a skeleton I still struggle with. I have victory over it and then I struggle some more.

Comparison.

I have even found a new dimension of comparison with my husband and son. I compare my husband to other husbands, how does he measure up? Is he as good as that guy over there, does he lead as well? Is he as attractive? In my son, can he do what other 15 month olds are doing? When he was in the process of crawling to walking I would see other kids his age walking and him not walking and I would worry. I would compare. I'm sure next it will be talking, then potty training, then other abilities like sports or music or whatever. The possibilities are endless. Sadly. We compare ourselves amongst ourselves.

I compare myself with other women. How do I look next to them? Am I heavier? Am I prettier? Do I have more talent than them? Do I have better knowledge of the scriptures? Blah blah blah... I think you could call the road of comparison the road of DEATH. Death of friendships, death of peace, death of worth of yourself (we are worthy because we are in Christ and He created us), death of just plain loving your husband even though he's imperfect, death of loving your child just because they are your child and you just love them for them. That's all kids want, just to be loved for who they are and not what they can do.

This is why Facebook is such a struggle for me. We can put up this appearance of perfection. We can post on our walls about our perfect lives, put up pictures that make us look amazing, and compare ourselves to the lives of others. I love Facebook for the communication and the networking it provides, but I still struggle with it.

I feel like this comparison struggle creates a wedge between people. Specifically women. I don't see men struggling with this as much, but with women it seems to just drive something between us.

Lord, help me. Please speak to this area of our lives.

I want to live in transparent truth. The truth shall set you free. I have discovered that in a deeper way these past few weeks. More than anything it has increased my gratitude for the Cross and what it did to my sin. Jesus died on the cross, washed us clean in his blood, rose again conquering death and now God sees me as perfect. I am perfect in a way... I'm made holy and clean. Day by day I am being refined by His Spirit who is walking with me. I trip up and He faithfully picks me up. He is gradually (very gradually) making me righteous.

So what does all this mean in the realm of comparison? Your opinion of me doesn't matter. :) I say that with a smile because my opinion of you doesn't matter either. If we will rest in that and just SIMPLY do what He has called us to do, no more and no less, then comparison won't be an issue. Easier said than done.

Lord, change my heart in this area. Help me to rejoice in You always. Let my gentleness be evident to all, because You are near. Let me not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present my requests to You. And Your peace which passes all understanding, it goes beyond my situation, beyond my hurts, beyond my striving, will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.
This prayer is taken from Philippians 4:4-6

The Redemption of My Physical Body: part eighteen

A word about Facebook.

I LOVE Facebook. I love it and I kind of hate it.

I could be on Facebook all day long. Sometimes I am. I love the little red notification that pops up when something new has happened, it's that little feeling of, oh, somebody has commented on my wall or something! Sometimes I just go down the home feed and comment on people's post so that they will remember that I exist. Throughout the day I think of different witty things I can post on my status. I post maybe a tenth of them. But that's how much Facebook is on my mind. I try to restrain myself so I don't look like one of those Facebookers who post all the time and are on all the time. When it gets really scary is when I'm Facebook stalking people I don't even know. I'm looking at their wedding pictures, pictures of their baby belly, and just keep clicking and clicking. You can get a whole history of a person just by going through their photos... or what you think is their history.

I can tend to have an unhealthy relationship with Facebook. However, the reason why I don't just delete my account is because of the few healthy things that I do on Facebook. The personal messages I share with my sisters-in-law, the messages I've gotten from you all as readers, the encouragement, the times when I have been able to post scripture and someone will comment that it impacted them... All of these things are the good sides of this double-edged sword.

I am learning to monitor myself on this thing. If I start to go look at the last 50 pictures of a person and read their whole feed for the past month, then I need to just shut the computer and walk away. If I'm just sitting there, meandering and not really doing anything that matters, I've checked the latest of what's up with my friends, birthdays, etc, then I just shut my computer and walk away. There are times when I need to rest. Really rest, not sit on the couch and meander on Facebook, but close my eyes and put up my feet and breathe, that's when I close my computer and rest. (In no way am I perfect in these things. Just the other day I was looking at someone's wedding pictures whom I don't even know)... but I'm trying.

The other caution I have with this incredible social network is the false sense of community it creates. I post something on my wall. This person comments on it in 140 characters or less. I feel like I have just had a conversation with that person, I feel like I have just looked them in their smiling face and talked to them. But I haven't. Again, there is nothing wrong with updates and wall posts, sometimes they are SO ENCOURAGING and I feel like we as Christians can use our Facebooks to glorify God, but I don't ever want it to replace my community. I need to still set up coffee dates, invite others over for dinner (who the heck does that anymore?!?) pick up the phone and call (except that I HATE phones, I'm terrible in every way at phones, so if you are my friend and talk to me on the phone I apologize for all the awkwardness of that).

Okay, my one last complaint against Facebook. (Again, I want to reinforce the fact that I use Facebook on a daily basis and I will continue to do so even after I post this.) The way we can present ourselves. We have profiles and profile pictures, posts, walls, notes... anyone can present themselves in any way. Of course the way you want to present yourself as this good-looking person. (I have untagged myself from unflattering photos, yes, I have done it). The problem comes I think when I look on Facebook and I see that everyone else has their lives together. They are really smart and witty, they have more comments on their pictures than I do. Their baby is cuter or more popular than mine is, they are skinnier than me, they had a prettier wedding than I did, her husband is cute, or he's not so cute... All this stuff is rooted in comparison. Women have major issues with comparison. I have major major issues with comparison. I have thoughts that I can't even control they are so automatic where I compare myself with every other female around me. Is she prettier than me, fatter than me, nicer than me, smarter than me, more talented than me... sometimes I win, sometimes she wins.

The most ridiculous part is that someone actually wins or loses.

This is not how God created us.

He created us as individuals each to reflect His image. When I walk down the street I am looking at hundreds of image bearers of God. Each one reflecting His creativity and beauty. I reflect it differently than the next person. No matter my hair color, eye color, if I have a long torso, if I struggle with my weight, the size of my butt or chest, if I have to wear braces, or the state of my skin. It's the lie of the enemy that we compare ourselves. The enemy wants to drive wedges between us women because we could have such wonderful, fruitful relationships with each other, if we weren't so afraid of how we measured up to one another.

Lord, help me not to compare.