How Quickly Kids Come

Why do I never feel like blogging? Maybe I'm going through a dry spell, maybe it's a busy spell. Maybe I just need to blog.

I'll be 37 weeks on Thursday.

Whew.

I most definitely feel like I'm 37 weeks. People love to tell you that you look great or that you look small. Those are all really nice and everything, but really, life is just plain uncomfortable at this stage of the game.

Mostly I'm feeling it when I'm chasing Aria or wrestling her into her clothes. So many times I ask God why He allowed women to get pregnant so quickly. And mine aren't even that close in comparison to some,  but really, couldn't He have made it so that you couldn't get pregnant again until your child is like 4 and can use the bathroom and dress themselves? But for some reason He allows us moms to go through this phase of having a two year old (or close to it) and waddling around, straining just to bend over.  Maybe it's to humble us. It's a very humbling thing to be so overwhelmed with two little kids and feel so physically helpless. Many times throughout the day I think to myself "This would be way easier if I didn't have a basketball-sized belly."

It's totally going to be worth it though.

With all that said about the spacing, I'm actually a huge fan of close spacing. I'm a huge believer in teaching your children to be friends and support each other and I really feel that the closer in age they are, the more they will be able to relate to each other. So really, even though I complain I didn't want much more than two years between my kids. I also believe that the whole teaching your children to be friends thing is very much something that the parents speak over their children.

I'm huge into brainwashing my children into thinking they like each other. It's easy to complain about how often your children fight and how they disagree. What's hard is to look for the good. The Lord is slowly teaching me to speak love and life over my children. Levi is chasing Aria around and she's screaming I really just want to scream back at them, but what I have been trying to tell them is that they love each other and aren't they glad they have each other as friends? I try (try, try) to get down on their level and turn the focus off of the conflict and onto playing with each other as opposed to trying to set the other one off. Sometimes I succeed. Many times I fail. But I'm learning.

Lord, help me to know what to say to these kids. Help me to choose to look for the good. It's so easy to see the bad and talk about the bad. I want my kids to see that I am on their team, they are on each other's team. Words have the power to speak life or death, it's just too easy to speak that death. Death is funnier and truer. But Lord, I want our house to have love and peace and joy. I feel like that will make it easier for them to know Your love and joy on this earth. Help me in this. I struggle so much. Even today I almost said the words, "I hate being a mom right now." They were on the tip of my tongue. It's so hard when they are fighting and disobeying at every turn and nap times don't work out and they get into everything and I have a million things to do on my plate… but Lord, let me realize the gift that they are. Help me to look into my daughters eyes and see the treasure that she is. She is so funny and cute. She is always surprising me. I cry as I write this, because really, they are some of the best things that have happened to me. They make my life so rich. Yes, they make it about a thousand times harder, but the things that they do and the way they make me laugh, the curiosity and the beauty. It's just too much sometimes. Lord, help me to see how good things are in those broken, messed-up moments. Thank You that You come through and You give me strength.

Thank You for my weaknesses, because in them You are strong.

Thoughts on having a family. Maybe even a large family...

Tonight as I was rocking Aria I thought of how I used to view children and how I view them now... I think I used to think that they were life-stoppers. If you have kids, then your life will be over. But now I am starting to believe that children are not life-stoppers, they are more like life-slower-downers... they make things harder for a while, maybe more like speed bumps than stop signs (weird example I know) but then they have brought so much enrichment to my life, I'm really okay with it.

We change and adapt and learn new things.  Even with Levi and him going through this difficult, trying two year old age, my life is still so much more beautiful with him. I couldn't imagine what it would be like without him.

I have also heard people say, "I want to give my kids enough one-on-one time with me." You know, like it's going to hurt their self-esteem or something. But honestly, I'm going to go with this saying, "Love doesn't divide, it multiplies." As I was on the floor trying to get Aria to crawl to me today Levi came and sat with me. Together we cheered her on, coaxing her to crawl to us. To see Levi entertain her this afternoon with toys and hear her belly laugh and squeal with delight... I couldn't imagine why you wouldn't want more children.

Yes, there will be fights and disagreements among them and they will get on each other's nerves and push each other's buttons. But I want it to be the goal of our family to love each other, protect each other and help one another. I want what is mine to be yours, to share, to be selfless... I know I can't force them to be this way and there will be struggles, but the adventure seems to outweigh the risk in this present moment.

Lead us Lord. Show us what You want us to do.

children are a blessing... children are a blessing

This morning I was thinking about how kids are inconvenient. I thought that being married was inconvenient because I had to make sure my husband would be fed, his dirty laundry done, that kind of thing... but I really had no idea.

Do not get me wrong, I am so thankful for my little Levi and this new one on the way, sometimes I don't know what I would do without him in my life... hmmm, probably go to the grocery store a lot faster, run errands during nap time, probably meet friends for coffee at cute little coffee shops, take nice long showers without little hands pounding on the shower door wanting to come in... I used to shower while he took his morning nap, now I try to shower before Ben leaves so Levi will be distracted. Today I missed that window of opportunity and he pretty much cried the whole time. Some of you moms may be asking, "Why not just bring him into the shower with you?" Oh no, you don't know my son. He LOVES water. That is even more stressful for me because we don't have a lot of room in our shower and then when the water goes of he FALLS APART. So I'm standing there wet, trying to get my towel and then he's in a crouched position literally screaming in agony because the water has somehow been shut off. If it were up to Levi the hose, faucet, bath, shower, all those things would be running constantly. We have meltdowns over water activities more than any other thing in his whole life. It is remarkable. So then he's running around wet and naked and crying, dripping water on the carpet and I'm just trying to dry myself off... No, it's easier for me to just take a shower with him crying outside and then he stops when I get out. Much less stressful than trying to catch a slippery, wet 18-month old while I'm just trying to dry off myself. Yes, feel free to laugh at the thought because I am too.

What was I even talking about in the first place? Oh yeah, children, kids... inconvenience. Ask any mom who has had to pack her kid in a carseat, especially when they are screaming and arching their back, makes you loathe cars (I completely understand the safety factor here and wouldn't dare drive without Levi in one, more than anything, it just makes you not want to leave the house).

Other times I don't leave the house are during nap times. This was really frustrating when Levi was taking three naps a day. That was a challenge to do grocery shopping then. I remember just being home a lot.

Okay, that's enough complaining, I'm starting to get on my own nerves now. Sorry about that. The Bible says that children are a blessing from the Lord, that they are arrows in your quiver, I guess that means that they are an asset and a help to you. But I also suppose that means you have to sharpen them and make them straight so that they will go where they need to go. I sit here on my couch, semi exhausted from all the chatter, crying, doing, playing, fixing food... and I think, why am I doing this? I could have chosen to work and send him to daycare all day long, I wouldn't have to deal with this. I could have made it so that I would only have to interact with adults all day instead of baby talk... I guess my answer has several folds to it. Ben and I both had moms who stayed home with us. The whole way through. We decided that if we have children we want to be the main ones to raise them and teach them. Every day I'm teaching Levi not to throw his toy cars, not to hit, to say please, to obey, to not fall on the floor in a temper tantrum, I'm able to pick him up and hug him when he falls and hurts himself, I am able to take him on walks and we point out the birds and squirrels... this is why I stay home with him. I look forward to when we have our next one and I can begin to teach him that the world doesn't revolve around him and how to love his new little brother or sister.

The other reason I am realizing more and more each day is that it's not about me. It's not about what I want. It's not about convenience and me getting my way and life being simple and care-free. Levi teaches me every day that my needs can be put aside... to change a poopy diaper, to fix breakfast, to fix lunch, to put him down for a nap, to just play with him when he's lonely and longing at my feet. Really, I just want to read my book, or I just want to get the house clean, but sometimes these things get put aside so that I can mother my son.

It's hard, this whole parenting thing. It's not for the faint of heart... It takes perseverance, consistency, time, energy, sacrifice... lots of sacrifice. I'm thankful I don't have to do it alone, thankful that I have Ben. Even more, I'm thankful that I have the Lord. What would I do if I could not call on Him for help when I am confused or frustrated? What would I do if I didn't have the plumb-line of His Word to guide me? What would I do if I didn't have hope that things will be better when we reach eternity? I'm tired of living in a broken, shattered, messed up world where things get stolen or wear out? Where people hurt me and I hurt others, I'm anxious to see my Savior and tell Him face to face how much He means to me.

Levi is a blessing. Children are a blessing, a gift from God. Not an easy gift, not a convenient gift, but a good one. For sure.

The Redemption of My Physical Body: part eleven

A word about pregnancy. :)

Okay, I wasn't going to post this until later, but my friend Molly made a comment and I thought, I just need to say something in regards to my pregnancy.

When you are pregnant you get all kinds of advice. Do this, don't do that, you need to gain weight, you shouldn't gain very much weight and all that junk. When you are pregnant everyone feels the need to tell you their pregnancy stories. Maybe they gained 70 pounds and lost it all while breastfeeding. Maybe they only gained 25 pounds but are still struggling to lose it. Some gain all at the beginning, some towards the end. All of this "advice" should be taken with a grain of salt. Each person's body is completely different from the next. God made each of our bodies unique in the way we react to the hormones, the babies themselves. I've heard of moms who have had two completely different experiences with their pregnancies. So when we are pregnant we need to be relying on God, on the Holy Spirit. He knows our bodies and knows what is BEST for us specifically. Sometimes you can use good, plain common sense too, to help guide you.

I will say that my pregnancy was excellent. I was tired and nauseated in the first trimester, but Ben got me out exercising even when I was cursing as we were walking out the door. My second trimester I was somewhat tired, but I felt pretty normal, my body was used to the hormones and I wasn't feeling sick as often. Third trimester was uncomfortable, but not terrible. I gained about 30 pounds, but most of it wasn't until the end.

I didn't own a scale so every time we went to the Dr's office I was nervous that I had gained a lot of weight, but I hadn't. It was the mercy of God that allowed me not to gain weight. I remember being terrified that I would gain massive amounts of weight as a pregnant woman and would have no control over it. But I remember talking to a friend who had gained about 70 pounds and asking her if she felt like it could have been prevented. After thinking it over for a moment she said, "Yes, I feel like it could have been prevented." She explained that she felt like maybe she used pregnancy and feeling nauseated all the time as an excuse to eat. So I took what she said to heart.

I remember some of the best advice I received was from our pastor's wife (who has been pregnant 10 times, so she kinda knows what she's talking about). She said to let my body go on auto-pilot. You just eat what your body tells you to eat, rest when it says rest, get exercise and you will be fine. (That's the Jody paraphrase). So that's what I did. Sometimes my appetite was enormous! Sometimes I ate like a normal person, sometimes I just wasn't hungry. I drank a lot of whole milk in my first trimester because as soon as I opened up the refrigerator to get a snack I couldn't take the smells, so I just held my breath and poured a glass of milk and it held me pretty well. ... Now, my body didn't work completely perfectly, I had to take a fiber pill every morning so that I would be regular. I think Levi was sitting right on my intestines.

As far as exercise goes, I walked. I used to think walking was pointless, why walk when you can run? Now I LOVE walking. I usually walked in the morning after Ben left for work. I would go anywhere from 1-3 miles depending on how I was feeling that day. If it was the weekend or I hadn't gotten it in that day, Ben and I would go together. I walked for two reasons: to keep my weight reasonable and so that I could have a natural childbirth. I had a renewed confidence in what my body could do and I believe that God created us as women to birth babies. Even though childbirth is painful, it is beautiful and miraculous. It's like it's a good pain that needs to be experienced. Sadly, I didn't get to experience it since Levi was breech. We had to have a C-section. But my recovery went SO WELL and I think it was because I was in such good shape. My heart was strong, my body was strong, my recovery was slow, but good. With the next one I want to be a rock star like my sister-in-law and have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).

Now, in all of this I am only speaking from my own experience. I have a friend who could tell you that her experience was throwing up all day every day (literally, it's amazing she's alive after THREE pregnancies, she's another rock star).

Bearing children is a beautiful thing. It is miraculous to think that we start out microscopically and grow in this perfect womb from there. I couldn't help but think that when I was putting food into my mouth it wasn't just for me. More than ever I didn't want to binge and hurt my body because it wasn't just my own anymore. It was a home for this new little life and I was responsible for him. Ben said he saw both his sister and sister-in-law really come out of eating disorders when they became pregnant and started to have children. I think the reason is that their lives and their eating was not just about them anymore. I still want to take care of myself so that I will have energy to play with Levi, so that I can bear more children and they be as easy as having Levi.

I never thought I could possess a selfless love. Okay, and on some levels I'm not there. But being a mom has more than ever ALLOWED me not to focus on myself. My thoughts are on whether or not Levi has eaten, if he has been changed, does he need to sleep, those are the first places I go. Then I think about me. I still struggle with selfishness and having kids is not a "fix all" but I feel like it was the grace of God that took my eyes off myself and put them on someone else. Of course, in this, I need to put Ben's needs above all else, then Levi's but that's another story for another day. :)

Thank you for allowing me to share part of my experience. I feel like the redemption of my body has taken place because of two people: my husband who saw me as beautiful, and my son, who helped me to care for my body and has even helped me lose more weight than I thought I could. They are gifts from God. God is the One who has truly redeemed my body, mind and spirit. He works in amazing, surprising ways.