Thoughts on motherhood

We have been very busy this week. I hate busy weeks. I never thought I would be a home body, but I guess I'm becoming one. I have missed being home for nap times so I can do laundry and just straighten the house. Maybe I'm a home body now because I am the keeper of my home... I don't think I ever had that responsibility before.

Maybe that was why we had an explosion today. 

At least, I think you could call it an explosion. Let me just say that Levi is a pretty easy going little kid. He is fun, loves people, he's creative, independent, and pretty trustworthy. But when he's tired things just get out of hand. Also, if things are not "just so" he can get pretty testy. We had a perfect match of those things today as I tried to lay him down at his Deedee's house. Aria was already asleep in the closet or else I would have picked him up, thrown him in the car and taken him home. There was lots of screaming and probably too much or not enough spanking. (I hate spanking with all the screaming because it only makes it worse). I'm currently at a loss as to what to do when your child just escalates his screaming while you are spanking, it feels like we are going in the opposite of the intended direction. Usually just leaving him in his room helps. I just tell him that mommy will not listen to him unless he stops screaming. 

Eventually we worked it out. Eventually he fell asleep. 

Here are my thoughts about the episode:

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. I have been stretched and pulled in ways I never thought possible. Your rational mind is thinking, this child has to stop sometime and your irrational mind is wanting to strangle them. There has got to be some middle ground. You think, how could I think such a thing? How could I possibly hurt my child? But at the same time you kind of understand the people who do hurt them... I don't like all of these conflicts inside of me. They make me feel guilty as a mother. 

Lord, help me in this. Help me to find out what makes him tick, help me to guide him. Help me to mother him as you mother us. This is really hard. It just is. This is a huge weight. It's not just a one time weight, it's a day in and day out, moment by moment I am shaping and raising a human being. These little people are in my care and I am going to answer for that responsibility someday. Please help me in this Lord. I need you to guide me.