I'm Not Holy

I can't believe that this is my 303rd blog post. Maybe I should have said something about my 300th, but that already passed me by.

Oh how I love blogging. And oh how I hate it. I'm thankful I have the record and I'm able to share my heart on here, I have people come up to me in person sometimes and tell them that they appreciate my honesty on here, and that is so cool. What I hate about it is the time it takes to blog. Also, coming up with interesting topics… I will finally get the time and then end up staring at my computer thinking, what in the world was I going to blog about earlier today? It suddenly doesn't sound that interesting and then even trying to translate it into a readable thought, well, I'm not awesome at that. But it obviously hasn't stopped me yet.

Some thoughts today.

I have been posting a lot of scripture on my Facebook/instagram feed and I had the thought this morning that I probably look like a holier-than-thou Bible thumper. I apologize if anyone out there has been offended or thought that I was trying to clout my faith on the internet. Honestly, the only reason why I post it is because it speaks to me. Also, the Lord has been showing me about all the meaningless, mindless things I do on the internet and in my life that don't amount to a hill of beans. I've come to the conclusion in my life that the only thing that means anything is the Lord and His kingdom come. So really, I am over trying not to offend people and I'm over trying to cover up the fact that Jesus is my hope, my peace, actually, I'm just going to go ahead and say something really offensive and that is that Jesus is the hope, the peace of the world. If I believe it for me, I have to believe it for the world, otherwise my belief holds nothing.

In that same vein, I just want to admit my own frailty. Geez, I'm a sinner.

I have had a bad attitude.

I think it's a lack of gratefulness in my life. I just keep struggling to look for the good. I keep thinking, I'm going to kill this child if he or she continues to (fill in the blank). I have just been struggling with anger at my kids and my husband. He tries to help and it's not good enough, I see all the things he's not doing and focus on those (I need to keep in mind that he has a full-time, difficult job that he works very hard at every day, and his hard work puts food in our mouths and clothes on our backs, why am I ungrateful?!)

This morning I woke up to read the Bible and did NOT want to read. I did NOT want to get out of my warm bed. But, it was mind over matter and I knew that if I didn't get up and read that I wouldn't get to it and if I don't read the Bible my day usually goes about a thousand times worse. Also, it would put me behind in my daily Bible reading plan and I hate trying to catch up. All of these are such holy reasons aren't they?

My reading today was on the crucifixion of Christ.

Oh my goodness.

Luke 23 and John 18-19

Jesus did not open his mouth to his accusers. He did not try to defend himself. He had just spent the night weeping in the garden, in dread of what he knew was about to happen. He was betrayed. He willfully gave himself up. He was denied friendship by his closest friends.

He was mocked and beaten. And he never said a word.

On the way to the cross, he told the women, "Do not weep for me, weep for yourselves and your children … for if men do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?" His heart was compassionate towards these people. He was despised.

Then he hung on the cross for six hours. In darkness for the last three.

He hung there. He died slowly and painfully. He cried out to God, "My God, my God, why have your forsaken me?" The Father turned his back on Jesus, he poured out all of our sins onto him. All of the shame, all of the guilt. Onto the perfect, sinless, Lamb of God.

And he gave up his life.



To pay for my sin.


I can only sit and weep.

That God would come down and allow himself to be nailed to a cross and pay the penalty so that he could rescue us out of darkness and bring us into light.

Lord, let me be forever grateful.