Struggles

Something that I dislike about having a blog that is so open and so readable is the fact that I can't just hide behind my keyboard and post things anonymously. I share my struggles and then go out into the world and people know about them. Hello.

Lord, help me to be transparent. I know that's why You called me to start this blog. You're working in my heart now and it's painful sometimes. Open heart surgery is painful right??

I also want to apologize for any disjointed thoughts. Sleep has been elusive and erratic right now, this makes thinking difficult. Again, Lord, help me.

I've been struggling a lot with pride and selfishness. Self-centeredness. Me-ness. Oh how I want the world to revolve around me. I don't even like to type that because it looks so ugly.

I have been wanting to blog just so I can get more hits or comments about how amazing I am at blogging. It's a doubled edged sword I think. I want to be vulnerable and yet I want to be awesome at the same time. Lord, help me to see that this is about You. I am small. Let me be content to just be small and inadequate. It's better when I'm weak and I get to be carried by You Jesus. That way Jody is not exalted so high. I don't belong up there. I just want to be found in You.

I found myself wanting others to know that I'm a musician. Honestly, I'm not that talented. I used to write a lot, mostly out of my struggle with depression and feelings of inadequacy, but I just haven't been able to write these past four years. I want to write a song so badly, but it just won't come. Lord, thank You for humbling me in this area. I would totally think I'm amazing had You not humbled me and broken me. Thank You.

I have been wanting to be skinnier. Mainly so that my clothes wouldn't be so snug and uncomfortable. I've found myself comparing myself to other women thinking, "why can't I look like her?" or looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, "I hate my arms … or my stomach or my legs … " or any other body part that Satan wants to pick in that moment to highlight and hate. Jesus, You created me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You created even my fat stores to be where they are and You called me beautiful. I am beautiful because You created me. Lord, help me remember that this body You have given me is good. Help me not to abuse it with a third helping of brownies. Help me to know how to nurture it and take care of it. I pray that I would not even allow thoughts of hatred toward it to be entertained for one millisecond. I am Yours.

All of this has been so me-focused. I feel like it's led down a path of depression lately. Even as I was taking care of the kids, talking to Ben, laying them down for naps I just had a spirit of anger. It wasn't just like a sad depressed, but it was more of an angry depressed. I couldn't put my finger on why I felt this way. But then the Lord showed me, that it's because I'm only looking at me.

Lord, You are so faithful to show me my sin. Yet, You are so faithful not to leave me there. This heart slips into these patterns so easily. Thank You for showing me where I need release. Thank You for humility. Thank You that I get to live a transparent life and I don't have to be concerned with what others think of me, because only Your opinion matters. You see all of my heart. Let me live in that place. Let me be only concerned with You. Give me strength to love my children and my husband and serve them sacrificially no matter how little time I get to myself. They are truly a joy and I really do have the best job in the world.

Thank You Lord.