A Morning Revelation

 I'm wanting to write music. 

I've been writing a lot of scripture songs, just literally plagiarizing the Bible and singing straight from it. It's fun and it helps me with my struggle with lyrics. I always feel like lyrics take about ten times more work than music. 

At the same time, I listen to music and struggle to think that I have anything really to offer. There's nothing new under the sun. Who do I think I am? I have the same thoughts about blogging and whether or not it's worth it to even write. Do I really have anything unique or different? 

I'm such a four. If you know about the enneagram, you will know what I'm talking about, if not, look it up, it's intriguing. 

This morning I was struggling with sadness, or was it depression? I'm not sure. Maybe it was hopelessness. Which is silly because I truly love my life. My kids are the best, my husband is amazing, my house, my church, our disciples, the property where we live, I could go on and on. 

I'm not sure why I was depressed except for a few things: our house is a mess right now, it's amazing how quickly it can become a disaster with eleven people living in it, six of them being children. I often feel like I'm just one person cleaning up after EVERYONE. This is not true of course, I leave messes too, but the ones that are the most annoying are the messes someone else leaves. My messes are there for a reason and I know why, I just don't understand the messes from others. This is all tongue in cheek of course, I've had to step back and observe how silly my reasoning is. 

It was also messy because we are walking around on subfloors upstairs in our bedrooms. We are getting new floors installed next week and to save money we ripped up the carpet ourselves. Now the rooms are all kind of hodge-podge around and even though we swept there are still staples and splinters everywhere. Thankfully there haven't been any injuries, yet. 

Andrew Peterson's book Adorning the Dark is amazing. He told me to rip up my carpets. So, we are going for it. 

I've also been listening to the podcast Typology in hopes to get to know my friends who have a different enneagram number than me, however, I just found myself getting depressed. Maybe because the enneagram is from a negative point of view or it was just about the human condition and we are all in need of God and His redemption. I decided to stop listening and start praying. 

It helped to just sort of realize I was kind of sad, kind of mad, kind of depressed and then think about where it might be coming from. Some things I could help, some I could not. 

I'm incredibly intimidated to set up a "mini recording studio" in my closet. I'm not smart enough or talented enough for this. But it's a mandate God has put on my heart since October so I must follow through. Help me, Lord. I need You. 

Thank You Lord for another year. Thank You for allowing me to live this long, for giving me life and breath and a voice. Thank You that it doesn't matter if I'm special or talented or not, it only matters that I'm obedient. You are God and I am just a little tiny person. Thank You for loving me just as I am. Help me to obey You. Help me to persevere. I love You, with my whole heart, I love You Jesus. 

 

Places of Pain

It is good to be in a place of pain.

"There I will give her back her vineyards
and will make the Valley of Achor (pain)
a door of hope."
Hosea 2:15

I feel like I am being stretched and refined and broken down. Each day is new in this. Each day is good and difficult. Each day I am tempted to go to an old habit, an old coping mechanism. I'm the queen of coping mechanisms. I tell people that if I hadn't been raised in a Christian household and hadn't known better I probably would have been into drugs and alcohol. I'm guessing the Lord just protected me from it. I'm so thankful for His work in my life.

But if I simply cope without the Lord I will just end up empty. He is the only one who can heal me. Yes, He has ripped me apart, but only He can put me back together again. One of my favorite books of the Bible is 1 Peter. It's an insane book really. :) It's all about persevering through trials, submitting to masters even when they are not good, suffering for doing good, submitting even to husbands who are not believers... Peter writes to the church in the midst of the oppression of the Roman Empire. Christians were hated, mistreated, literally thrown in among the lions to be ripped apart.

This is the verse that really gets me.
"But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear his name.
1 Peter 4:13-16

This blows my comfortable American mindset away. My people-pleasing, I want everyone to think I'm cool mindset is just floored. I want to get this scripture into my DNA. If you haven't read the book of 1 Peter you totally should. It's only 5 chapters but they will challenge you in such a way... I can't even describe it. I was reading it a few years ago and literally could not move on. I had to read it three or four times through because the Lord kept bringing me back.

I love the Word. I LOVE the life and the light that it brings. It is the most diverse, truth-filled, mindset-challenging book that you will ever read. If you want to be turned upside down and read the most poetic, painful, beautiful words, you need to read the Bible. I've been starting in Genesis lately and God is speaking afresh in my life through it. I mean, this book was written thousands of years ago and is completely relevant in my life. The Psalms speak to my soul, Song of Solomon romances me, the Prophets astound me, Jesus convicts and amazes me... I could go on.

Deep calls out to deep in the roar of Your waterfalls,
All of Your waves and Your breakers crash over me.