Thoughts on Motherhood... and a start of a song.

I haven't written a serious post in a while.

I have been realizing lately that I haven't been playing as much piano and guitar as I should and I haven't been singing as much as I should. The sad part is that I often blame my kids. This should not be so.

Yesterday I got out my piano. (We moved it again, from the dining room into our bedroom. I hope this encourages me to play more). I just started playing it and Aria and Levi just sat on the floor and danced and played together. It was amazing to me to see them enjoying the gift that God has given me. Why have I not played for them to enjoy? My heart broke for all the times I passed the piano up saying I had no time or little kids would get in the way or that I was too tired.

Being a mom who stays at home sounds all happy and touchy-feely and well, maybe kind of June Cleaver-ish. Maybe it sounds like I have the life or something like that. There's all these debates out there as to whether or not to stay home or go to work. For the first little while it's pretty romantic but after about the 20th load of laundry, countless spills on the floor, dozens of toys, and just the feeling that you can't lose the house without it taking at least an hour to just get your kids ready only to find that you left your list for the grocery store on the kitchen counter, it loses it's shine.

Staying at home often feels like a monotonous existence. Especially when your child is very young. As your child grows it is more challenging, you have to start disciplining and teaching, you have less time to yourself.

I haven't written a song in a very long time. I have tried a couple of times and the well just seems dry. I think I could have written a song yesterday afternoon though. As my children played on the floor at my feet. Maybe I just could have. Songs start out as very broken fragments of thought for me. Sometimes they come all at once and then other times they are this long, drawn out process, sometimes taking months to complete. They have to come out of this place, this place of feeling and thinking or a place of struggle. What the heck am I trying to say? It has to be a place I have walked through I guess. I can't write about something I haven't experienced.

I'm going to just put some of my lyrics on here in hopes that I will be inspired. I think my problem is that I can't get anything to rhyme. Or I feel like it sounds stupid when it does rhyme. But I almost always rhyme in my songs ... whatever.

Jesus, please help me.

This is to my children:
You gave me something I never thought I wanted
I would have laughed and said maybe someday, but that's not my goal
You were a weight to bear, a weight of glory, a weight of joy
I remember the day you came into this world, the day you breathed your first
It was painful, but it was a day of great worth
I have watched you grow in amazement and wonder
The more you do the more challenges are new
There are moments and minutes and hours and days
I wonder if my times would be better spent in other ways
Many are the tasks which at times are so simple
Yet I am often overwhelmed by the sheer amount

You make life harder
You make life better
You bring me to my knees

Each day is beautiful
Each day is difficult
Frustrations and joys all wrapped up together in one tangled mess
From elation to depression and back again
This thing called motherhood I'll never understand

You make life harder
You make life better
I'll never be the same
because I knew your name

Maybe it feels weird to put this stuff out there, but I feel like I need some kind of accountability or something. Maybe this will do it.

Lord, you have given me the gift of writing music. Help me to be faithful in that gift. I am done with excuses. I am far from perfect, so I pray for Your strength and your courage in this.