I hate trying to name my blogs. I always look up at that "Title" line with resentment. I have never really liked naming songs I wrote or poems... usually the more important the thing is the more difficult it is to name... I'm not even going to try to talk about naming children. Maybe I just have some sort of paranoia of the permanency of a name.
Oh well.
I'm trying to really find a place in the Word to rest and study. It's been difficult because I don't always have time to sit and read. I learn stuff when I read, it's good, but it doesn't feel like huge, deep lessons, maybe as it has in the past, you know?
I want to be wise.
I want to be ready for when Christ comes.
I don't want to waste my life.
I want my heart to be right and true.
I want to love God with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength. I want Him to be the reason why I wake up every morning and the reason I keep persevering through the day. I don't want to miss what He is saying. I want to be aware of the fact that He is right there with me, listening to what I am listening to, seeing what I am seeing... The thing is, He knows my heart as well. There are no acts I can put on for Him that deceive Him into thinking I'm this really great person. He sees right through me. Scary to think about.
This morning I happened to read this. Probably because my Bible just flipped open to it.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own son in the likeness of sinful man to be a SIN OFFERING. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do nt life according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1-4
What?! Jesus gave Himself up so that I (me, with my wrong motives and sinful heart) would be covered and the law would be fulfilled in me? He made me look like I had done everything right while he became a sin offering?
Lord, help me to live my life on my knees in light of this today. I am in awe.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 24
Preparation...
Yes, trying to be prepared for this new little life to come out of me. Preparing our house, preparing my body, preparing our time and schedule... I tried to nap today and I did for a little bit, but it wasn't as long as I would have liked it to be. I was up again last night from about 3-5:30 then woke up at 6 to tell Ben to get up. :) I was able to go back to bed until about 7:30 when I was forced out of bed by Levi's cries to get out of his crib. If only I had a child who slept until 8 every day. He's usually up by 7 but sometimes it's earlier, sometimes later.
It's definitely more challenging to be pregnant and have children, that's for sure. I'm trying to count my blessings in that I'm probably getting a good amount of exercise by chasing him around, picking him up, things like that. I was reading the other day about how a little bit of stress during pregnancy is good. I'm wishing I could go on more walks but time and energy keep alluding me. I think the best time I could go on a walk would be in the afternoon when Levi is napping. But I'm not going to leave the house with him alone and sleeping in it, as tempting as that is.
I'm still doing yoga at three in the morning when I wake up in the middle of the night.
I'm knee deep in laundry, washing adorable little clothes for Aria some friends have given me. I feel so blessed. Girl clothes are so different than boy clothes... everything is pretty or cute... I love it. It's like she's surrounded by beauty from her first moments in life. In a way I guess we are training them to love pink and hearts and flowers. I'm thinking about how different she will be from Levi and how she might want to wear dresses and tutus and have dolls and just all the little feminine things. I'm really looking forward to that.
My neck is still hurting and my lower back often hurts after a long day. I think she's definitely dropping. She's head down and loves to kick and press her little legs against my abdominal muscles. I'm very excited about the fact that she's head down and always paying attention to when she wiggles around. It's crazy to have a separate being inside of you. Not that I have huge amounts of control of what goes inside of me anyways, but it's like she just decides that it's time to exercise when I would like nothing more than to sleep. This is why I didn't get much of a nap today.
Everything else is looking good. My doctor approved my birth plan, with the exception that if Aria is not handling contractions that I would stay monitored just to make sure she's okay. I can totally understand that and I am okay with it.
I have been practicing/listening to guided relaxation CD's, I'm not sure I did this much with Levi, but I really enjoy them. I hope they help my labor... I think they will.
I have a few more things to do this afternoon, so I will get going. I can't wait to share Aria's birth story on here... maybe some pictures too. :)
Yes, trying to be prepared for this new little life to come out of me. Preparing our house, preparing my body, preparing our time and schedule... I tried to nap today and I did for a little bit, but it wasn't as long as I would have liked it to be. I was up again last night from about 3-5:30 then woke up at 6 to tell Ben to get up. :) I was able to go back to bed until about 7:30 when I was forced out of bed by Levi's cries to get out of his crib. If only I had a child who slept until 8 every day. He's usually up by 7 but sometimes it's earlier, sometimes later.
It's definitely more challenging to be pregnant and have children, that's for sure. I'm trying to count my blessings in that I'm probably getting a good amount of exercise by chasing him around, picking him up, things like that. I was reading the other day about how a little bit of stress during pregnancy is good. I'm wishing I could go on more walks but time and energy keep alluding me. I think the best time I could go on a walk would be in the afternoon when Levi is napping. But I'm not going to leave the house with him alone and sleeping in it, as tempting as that is.
I'm still doing yoga at three in the morning when I wake up in the middle of the night.
I'm knee deep in laundry, washing adorable little clothes for Aria some friends have given me. I feel so blessed. Girl clothes are so different than boy clothes... everything is pretty or cute... I love it. It's like she's surrounded by beauty from her first moments in life. In a way I guess we are training them to love pink and hearts and flowers. I'm thinking about how different she will be from Levi and how she might want to wear dresses and tutus and have dolls and just all the little feminine things. I'm really looking forward to that.
My neck is still hurting and my lower back often hurts after a long day. I think she's definitely dropping. She's head down and loves to kick and press her little legs against my abdominal muscles. I'm very excited about the fact that she's head down and always paying attention to when she wiggles around. It's crazy to have a separate being inside of you. Not that I have huge amounts of control of what goes inside of me anyways, but it's like she just decides that it's time to exercise when I would like nothing more than to sleep. This is why I didn't get much of a nap today.
Everything else is looking good. My doctor approved my birth plan, with the exception that if Aria is not handling contractions that I would stay monitored just to make sure she's okay. I can totally understand that and I am okay with it.
I have been practicing/listening to guided relaxation CD's, I'm not sure I did this much with Levi, but I really enjoy them. I hope they help my labor... I think they will.
I have a few more things to do this afternoon, so I will get going. I can't wait to share Aria's birth story on here... maybe some pictures too. :)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 23
It's 3:49 in the morning and I just finished a 20 min yoga session. Do I do this on purpose?
Absolutely not.
This might be helpful though for getting me ready for 2 am feedings... there's always a bright side.
Right now I am really wishing my neck would stop hurting. I think tomorrow I'm going to ask Ben to rub it as hard as he can. Usually when he does that it is extremely painful but the results are amazing. My stiff muscles go to putty, I keep thinking while he is rubbing, "This is a good thing, I am going to be so glad after this is over." Maybe this is more preparation for childbirth. I'm sure I will be thinking that throughout the birthing process. :)
I also realized during this yoga session that I was hungry. Only in pregnancy does your body wake up in the middle of the night and decide that it is hungry. Only in pregnancy are you forced to satisfy that hunger or else you will be just lying in your bed, awake, trying to talk yourself out of the fact that you are physically hungry... "I can't be hungry, that's ridiculous, all I have done is sleep for the past 4 hours, I wasn't hungry when I went to bed, I don't need to eat anything, I've already gained plenty of weight..." the list goes on and on. When really, all you have to do is get up and have some cereal, let it go down and sit for a minute and then your body graciously allows you to climb back into bed and go to sleep and you wake up hungry again in the morning. It's kind of amazing I guess if you think about it. It's like your body is building this little body inside of you and realizes that it needs some more fuel and wakes you up to let you know.
So, that's when I blog. It's now about 4 so I should be heading to bed about now. Maybe a little more stretching and maybe a bit of reading. That's enough of the blogging :)
Absolutely not.
This might be helpful though for getting me ready for 2 am feedings... there's always a bright side.
Right now I am really wishing my neck would stop hurting. I think tomorrow I'm going to ask Ben to rub it as hard as he can. Usually when he does that it is extremely painful but the results are amazing. My stiff muscles go to putty, I keep thinking while he is rubbing, "This is a good thing, I am going to be so glad after this is over." Maybe this is more preparation for childbirth. I'm sure I will be thinking that throughout the birthing process. :)
I also realized during this yoga session that I was hungry. Only in pregnancy does your body wake up in the middle of the night and decide that it is hungry. Only in pregnancy are you forced to satisfy that hunger or else you will be just lying in your bed, awake, trying to talk yourself out of the fact that you are physically hungry... "I can't be hungry, that's ridiculous, all I have done is sleep for the past 4 hours, I wasn't hungry when I went to bed, I don't need to eat anything, I've already gained plenty of weight..." the list goes on and on. When really, all you have to do is get up and have some cereal, let it go down and sit for a minute and then your body graciously allows you to climb back into bed and go to sleep and you wake up hungry again in the morning. It's kind of amazing I guess if you think about it. It's like your body is building this little body inside of you and realizes that it needs some more fuel and wakes you up to let you know.
So, that's when I blog. It's now about 4 so I should be heading to bed about now. Maybe a little more stretching and maybe a bit of reading. That's enough of the blogging :)
Monday, December 12, 2011
Poured out
I woke up this morning thinking about being "poured out" I think it's in Colossians where Paul talks about being poured out like a drink offering, maybe I am wrong about the place, but I definitely remember the thought.
I've been reading in Matthew and came across this verse: Then Jesus said to his disciples: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." 16:24-25
He goes on about gaining the whole world and yet losing your soul. I look around at the culture I live in and that is what I see. We have gained the whole stinking world, but we have for sure lost our souls.
I often want thanks and recognition for what I have done, but really, that's a bunch of junk. Lord, help me to be okay with being poured out, emptied, persecuted...
Right now it's "Help me to be okay with laying my body aside." I am at those final stages of childbearing where it becomes really tough physically. Breathing, moving, sleeping... I have a tendency to complain about these things. But Lord, this is my sacrifice right now, help me to lay down on the altar and give up myself for You. Help me to give up my life for this little child inside of me as she develops and grows. Help me to lay myself down as I go through the pain of labor, the hardships, I want to be a living and holy sacrifice. Greater love has no man than he who lays down his life for another. Maybe that's what this whole birthing/childbearing process is about... it's the beginning of living a life of sacrificial love.
And someday this little one inside of me might break my heart... in fact, the likelihood of that happening is very great. Lord, this is getting very personal. Help me to love as You have loved. Maybe I will know an inkling of what You have experienced for my sake.
I've been reading in Matthew and came across this verse: Then Jesus said to his disciples: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." 16:24-25
He goes on about gaining the whole world and yet losing your soul. I look around at the culture I live in and that is what I see. We have gained the whole stinking world, but we have for sure lost our souls.
I often want thanks and recognition for what I have done, but really, that's a bunch of junk. Lord, help me to be okay with being poured out, emptied, persecuted...
Right now it's "Help me to be okay with laying my body aside." I am at those final stages of childbearing where it becomes really tough physically. Breathing, moving, sleeping... I have a tendency to complain about these things. But Lord, this is my sacrifice right now, help me to lay down on the altar and give up myself for You. Help me to give up my life for this little child inside of me as she develops and grows. Help me to lay myself down as I go through the pain of labor, the hardships, I want to be a living and holy sacrifice. Greater love has no man than he who lays down his life for another. Maybe that's what this whole birthing/childbearing process is about... it's the beginning of living a life of sacrificial love.
And someday this little one inside of me might break my heart... in fact, the likelihood of that happening is very great. Lord, this is getting very personal. Help me to love as You have loved. Maybe I will know an inkling of what You have experienced for my sake.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 22
Blog? What? I have a blog? It feels like I have forgotten about blogging, about life, about everything. I'm going to blame it on pregnancy brain. I think I probably blogged a few weeks ago... but even then, I can't really remember. It feels like it was a few weeks ago.
Time goes by. There's nothing you can do to slow it down, nothing you can do to speed it up. Each day has the same amount of hours, same amount of minutes and seconds. ... though it doesn't always feel that way. These last few weeks seem to have flown by. Or maybe they have jumbled by, I don't know.
I have decided to start walking :). I want Aria out of my body... soon. Really, I think I will just be walking the .7 miles around my neighborhood every day, so it's not a big deal. It's just really cold. I also need to be making sure and doing my yoga as well as my "guided relaxation" with Belleruth Naperstack (I love her name, sometimes I just say Naperstack to myself just because I like how it sounds). I just got my first ever prenatal massage today and it was AMAZING. My doula, Cora, does an incredible job. If you want her number for a massage, just message me and I will hook you up. She is incredible.
I need to start working on my Belly Mapping workbook. I have read all of it and know the techniques for finding out how she is positioned, but I really need to start drawing pictures of her and really mapping out and tracking where she is in the womb. For the most part I can feel little tiny feet pushing up at the top of my belly and I can feel a solid back at the right side, but it will be good to just spend some time every day interacting with her and just feeling for where she is at.
I'm starting to pare down my life. My piano and voice lessons have stopped, I'm going to put Crisis Pregnancy Center on hold for a few months until I'm back on my feet and I think (as much as I hate to say this) I'm going to peter down on the worship team. Though I will still be in much prayer for the team and try to be an encouragement to them. I'm praying about how involved I can be with everything, but I'm just getting so physically tired these days that I don't think I can DO much.
One thing I am absolutely NOT ready for is: Christmas. Gifts? I need to buy gifts? Tree? We need to put up a tree? I do have a nativity scene out (thanks to mom and dad) and a garland with lights on our mantle. We have converted the dining room (since we never use it) into a play room for Levi and have put up multi colored icicle lights. So really, that's about all I've done for Christmas so far. I'm pretty sure Christmas will come and I will not have gifts until Christmas Eve and even then I will have to send Ben to the store to get them. ... poor Ben. Gift cards work great. :)
That's all I can think to write about for now. Pregnancy brain is really getting to me these days. I feel like I am forgetting something...
Time goes by. There's nothing you can do to slow it down, nothing you can do to speed it up. Each day has the same amount of hours, same amount of minutes and seconds. ... though it doesn't always feel that way. These last few weeks seem to have flown by. Or maybe they have jumbled by, I don't know.
I have decided to start walking :). I want Aria out of my body... soon. Really, I think I will just be walking the .7 miles around my neighborhood every day, so it's not a big deal. It's just really cold. I also need to be making sure and doing my yoga as well as my "guided relaxation" with Belleruth Naperstack (I love her name, sometimes I just say Naperstack to myself just because I like how it sounds). I just got my first ever prenatal massage today and it was AMAZING. My doula, Cora, does an incredible job. If you want her number for a massage, just message me and I will hook you up. She is incredible.
I need to start working on my Belly Mapping workbook. I have read all of it and know the techniques for finding out how she is positioned, but I really need to start drawing pictures of her and really mapping out and tracking where she is in the womb. For the most part I can feel little tiny feet pushing up at the top of my belly and I can feel a solid back at the right side, but it will be good to just spend some time every day interacting with her and just feeling for where she is at.
I'm starting to pare down my life. My piano and voice lessons have stopped, I'm going to put Crisis Pregnancy Center on hold for a few months until I'm back on my feet and I think (as much as I hate to say this) I'm going to peter down on the worship team. Though I will still be in much prayer for the team and try to be an encouragement to them. I'm praying about how involved I can be with everything, but I'm just getting so physically tired these days that I don't think I can DO much.
One thing I am absolutely NOT ready for is: Christmas. Gifts? I need to buy gifts? Tree? We need to put up a tree? I do have a nativity scene out (thanks to mom and dad) and a garland with lights on our mantle. We have converted the dining room (since we never use it) into a play room for Levi and have put up multi colored icicle lights. So really, that's about all I've done for Christmas so far. I'm pretty sure Christmas will come and I will not have gifts until Christmas Eve and even then I will have to send Ben to the store to get them. ... poor Ben. Gift cards work great. :)
That's all I can think to write about for now. Pregnancy brain is really getting to me these days. I feel like I am forgetting something...
Sunday, December 4, 2011
and the Word became flesh
This lyric is hitting me hard this morning:
Fragile fingers sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born
Unto us is born
Let me not forget this season that sweet baby Jesus, infant, child, precious little Jesus was born with the brutality of the cross in mind.
Let this be a sobering season as I realize it is my sins he came to wash away. It is my debt that he came into the world to ransom. I am in need of this tiny babe born in a manger, I am in need of of the precious blood of this sinless child, fully God and yet fully man.
I cannot comprehend You Lord, but I do know that You are good.
Fragile fingers sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born
Unto us is born
Let me not forget this season that sweet baby Jesus, infant, child, precious little Jesus was born with the brutality of the cross in mind.
Let this be a sobering season as I realize it is my sins he came to wash away. It is my debt that he came into the world to ransom. I am in need of this tiny babe born in a manger, I am in need of of the precious blood of this sinless child, fully God and yet fully man.
I cannot comprehend You Lord, but I do know that You are good.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 21
Sickness. I hate being sick. I hate colds, just the runny nose, the way they drag on and on, the sore throat, the achy feeling...
Over Thanksgiving we encountered a lot of sickness. Levi got croup, my sister in laws kids had pneumonia and an ear infection. There was just green snot all over the place. I did pretty well not to get any of it, try to wash my hands a lot and so forth. When we got back I was less careful with Levi. I figured I hadn't contracted what he had yet and I had shared a few drinks with him and so it didn't matter. Well, around Wednesday I started to feel my throat get scratchy... not cool. I've been pumping the vitamin C, trying to stay away from sugar, get rest, using lavender to help open up my sinuses (I so need to post about what I am learning about essential oils, they are AMAZING), yesterday I put on some medicated chest rub around my throat... it's weird though because my neck started aching. It's mainly the back of my neck. I can barely hold up my head without some pain. I keep stretching it and Ben rubbed it last night, I just don't know what is wrong. I think it is muscular, but I might call my chiropractor again just to see if he can fix it. (You can read about how he fixed my rib here).
I'm wondering if I have some swollen glands and that is what is causing it. Maybe it's because I am constantly leaning forward. I have to lean over to wash the dishes, do the laundry, even just walking around I feel like I have this huge weight out in front of me. This is true though, I DO have a weight in front of me.
All the aches and pains of pregnancy are starting to get to me. I feel like they are God's way of motivating the mother to PUSH her baby out. Ha ha! Seriously though, I am really starting to get ready for this whole birthing thing. Nothing can truly prepare you for it because you have no idea what kind of pain it will be for sure. I know what early labor feels like, but I have not yet been through several hours of labor and transition and actually birthing naturally. I feel like with the C section I took some kind of weird short cut and skipped all of that. It wasn't personal, it wasn't victorious, it was just surgery and he was out. I am so thankful for the medical technology available, don't get me wrong, but I am also praying that we won't have to use it this time around. I remember my sister in law telling me how cool it was to actually FEEL her baby come out of her body and what an experience that was. She had a VBAC too with her second child. I'm hoping our stories will be similar. :)
Lord, please heal me. Help me to know what to do with all of this neck stuff. Help it not to effect my attitude, help me to be a good mom to my little boy today.
Over Thanksgiving we encountered a lot of sickness. Levi got croup, my sister in laws kids had pneumonia and an ear infection. There was just green snot all over the place. I did pretty well not to get any of it, try to wash my hands a lot and so forth. When we got back I was less careful with Levi. I figured I hadn't contracted what he had yet and I had shared a few drinks with him and so it didn't matter. Well, around Wednesday I started to feel my throat get scratchy... not cool. I've been pumping the vitamin C, trying to stay away from sugar, get rest, using lavender to help open up my sinuses (I so need to post about what I am learning about essential oils, they are AMAZING), yesterday I put on some medicated chest rub around my throat... it's weird though because my neck started aching. It's mainly the back of my neck. I can barely hold up my head without some pain. I keep stretching it and Ben rubbed it last night, I just don't know what is wrong. I think it is muscular, but I might call my chiropractor again just to see if he can fix it. (You can read about how he fixed my rib here).
I'm wondering if I have some swollen glands and that is what is causing it. Maybe it's because I am constantly leaning forward. I have to lean over to wash the dishes, do the laundry, even just walking around I feel like I have this huge weight out in front of me. This is true though, I DO have a weight in front of me.
All the aches and pains of pregnancy are starting to get to me. I feel like they are God's way of motivating the mother to PUSH her baby out. Ha ha! Seriously though, I am really starting to get ready for this whole birthing thing. Nothing can truly prepare you for it because you have no idea what kind of pain it will be for sure. I know what early labor feels like, but I have not yet been through several hours of labor and transition and actually birthing naturally. I feel like with the C section I took some kind of weird short cut and skipped all of that. It wasn't personal, it wasn't victorious, it was just surgery and he was out. I am so thankful for the medical technology available, don't get me wrong, but I am also praying that we won't have to use it this time around. I remember my sister in law telling me how cool it was to actually FEEL her baby come out of her body and what an experience that was. She had a VBAC too with her second child. I'm hoping our stories will be similar. :)
Lord, please heal me. Help me to know what to do with all of this neck stuff. Help it not to effect my attitude, help me to be a good mom to my little boy today.
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