Dear Aria,
There are so many things you are doing right now and I just wanted to take a minute to write a few down.
You are a precious little girl. Even with the naughty things you do I have to hold back the laughter. At 22 months pretty much everything you do is cute. If only there were enough video space to document your every move. I'm trying hard not to be that parent, but it's hard.
You are definitely your own person. You march to the beat of your own drummer and you definitely do not like to be told what to do. Oh my, it's going to be a long life for you. I will find you off by yourself and doing something you shouldn't, you look up at me with the sweetest, most innocent look. I think you know exactly what you are doing.
One thing interesting is that you HATE having your diaper changed by me. You are so good for your daddy and pretty sweet with anyone else while they are changing you, but with me, you are nothing but kicks and screams and it's pretty much World War Three for us.
You definitely love your Daddy. He's the one who is best at going in and calming you down if you get a fright in the evening. He's the one you will be excited about seeing in the morning, and when he comes home for lunch and when he comes home from work in the evening. This afternoon he corrected you and you cried and cried and cried. He's going to have to start getting used to having an emotional little girl around.
I think my favorite thing to see right now is your sense of humor. If you pick up that something is funny you will do it over and over. This evening you put on Daddy's winter hat and had Levi and me laughing as your ran up and down the hallway. You looked so cute in his oversized beanie. You love to dance, as soon as you hear music you start in, waving your arms and prancing around. If you fall, you get right back up. Not much can hurt you, which is good since you will be in between two boys. (Don't worry, I know how you feel.)
Something that … well, makes you unique is that you like to growl and yell. It's not so bad when we are at home, however, when we are walking through the grocery store, it's a little embarrassing for you to just be yelling at the top of your lungs.
Another thing right now is that physical touch is your love language. Well, maybe not just touch, it often comes out in the form of punching and hitting and biting. It's like you get so excited about something it's the only thing you can think to do. Tonight while I was rocking you, you told me to look at the door, when I turned back to you, you slapped me on both sides of my face at the same time. You thought it was hilarious. I had to laugh too. This made you do it again, much to my pain. I was laughing so hard though, it took me a while to get control of the situation.
Aria, you are a joy to our family right now. Yes, we struggle with you and there are difficult times, but really, it's all worth it. You are worth it. Lord, help me to enjoy this little girl. Thank You for her. She is so precious and fun and unique. I pray that she would become my sister in Christ someday. Let her know You deeper than I ever could.
I love you Aria.
Your Mama
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
I'm Not Holy
I can't believe that this is my 303rd blog post. Maybe I should have said something about my 300th, but that already passed me by.
Oh how I love blogging. And oh how I hate it. I'm thankful I have the record and I'm able to share my heart on here, I have people come up to me in person sometimes and tell them that they appreciate my honesty on here, and that is so cool. What I hate about it is the time it takes to blog. Also, coming up with interesting topics… I will finally get the time and then end up staring at my computer thinking, what in the world was I going to blog about earlier today? It suddenly doesn't sound that interesting and then even trying to translate it into a readable thought, well, I'm not awesome at that. But it obviously hasn't stopped me yet.
Some thoughts today.
I have been posting a lot of scripture on my Facebook/instagram feed and I had the thought this morning that I probably look like a holier-than-thou Bible thumper. I apologize if anyone out there has been offended or thought that I was trying to clout my faith on the internet. Honestly, the only reason why I post it is because it speaks to me. Also, the Lord has been showing me about all the meaningless, mindless things I do on the internet and in my life that don't amount to a hill of beans. I've come to the conclusion in my life that the only thing that means anything is the Lord and His kingdom come. So really, I am over trying not to offend people and I'm over trying to cover up the fact that Jesus is my hope, my peace, actually, I'm just going to go ahead and say something really offensive and that is that Jesus is the hope, the peace of the world. If I believe it for me, I have to believe it for the world, otherwise my belief holds nothing.
In that same vein, I just want to admit my own frailty. Geez, I'm a sinner.
I have had a bad attitude.
I think it's a lack of gratefulness in my life. I just keep struggling to look for the good. I keep thinking, I'm going to kill this child if he or she continues to (fill in the blank). I have just been struggling with anger at my kids and my husband. He tries to help and it's not good enough, I see all the things he's not doing and focus on those (I need to keep in mind that he has a full-time, difficult job that he works very hard at every day, and his hard work puts food in our mouths and clothes on our backs, why am I ungrateful?!)
This morning I woke up to read the Bible and did NOT want to read. I did NOT want to get out of my warm bed. But, it was mind over matter and I knew that if I didn't get up and read that I wouldn't get to it and if I don't read the Bible my day usually goes about a thousand times worse. Also, it would put me behind in my daily Bible reading plan and I hate trying to catch up. All of these are such holy reasons aren't they?
My reading today was on the crucifixion of Christ.
Oh my goodness.
Luke 23 and John 18-19
Jesus did not open his mouth to his accusers. He did not try to defend himself. He had just spent the night weeping in the garden, in dread of what he knew was about to happen. He was betrayed. He willfully gave himself up. He was denied friendship by his closest friends.
He was mocked and beaten. And he never said a word.
On the way to the cross, he told the women, "Do not weep for me, weep for yourselves and your children … for if men do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?" His heart was compassionate towards these people. He was despised.
Then he hung on the cross for six hours. In darkness for the last three.
He hung there. He died slowly and painfully. He cried out to God, "My God, my God, why have your forsaken me?" The Father turned his back on Jesus, he poured out all of our sins onto him. All of the shame, all of the guilt. Onto the perfect, sinless, Lamb of God.
And he gave up his life.
To pay for my sin.
I can only sit and weep.
That God would come down and allow himself to be nailed to a cross and pay the penalty so that he could rescue us out of darkness and bring us into light.
Lord, let me be forever grateful.
Oh how I love blogging. And oh how I hate it. I'm thankful I have the record and I'm able to share my heart on here, I have people come up to me in person sometimes and tell them that they appreciate my honesty on here, and that is so cool. What I hate about it is the time it takes to blog. Also, coming up with interesting topics… I will finally get the time and then end up staring at my computer thinking, what in the world was I going to blog about earlier today? It suddenly doesn't sound that interesting and then even trying to translate it into a readable thought, well, I'm not awesome at that. But it obviously hasn't stopped me yet.
Some thoughts today.
I have been posting a lot of scripture on my Facebook/instagram feed and I had the thought this morning that I probably look like a holier-than-thou Bible thumper. I apologize if anyone out there has been offended or thought that I was trying to clout my faith on the internet. Honestly, the only reason why I post it is because it speaks to me. Also, the Lord has been showing me about all the meaningless, mindless things I do on the internet and in my life that don't amount to a hill of beans. I've come to the conclusion in my life that the only thing that means anything is the Lord and His kingdom come. So really, I am over trying not to offend people and I'm over trying to cover up the fact that Jesus is my hope, my peace, actually, I'm just going to go ahead and say something really offensive and that is that Jesus is the hope, the peace of the world. If I believe it for me, I have to believe it for the world, otherwise my belief holds nothing.
In that same vein, I just want to admit my own frailty. Geez, I'm a sinner.
I have had a bad attitude.
I think it's a lack of gratefulness in my life. I just keep struggling to look for the good. I keep thinking, I'm going to kill this child if he or she continues to (fill in the blank). I have just been struggling with anger at my kids and my husband. He tries to help and it's not good enough, I see all the things he's not doing and focus on those (I need to keep in mind that he has a full-time, difficult job that he works very hard at every day, and his hard work puts food in our mouths and clothes on our backs, why am I ungrateful?!)
This morning I woke up to read the Bible and did NOT want to read. I did NOT want to get out of my warm bed. But, it was mind over matter and I knew that if I didn't get up and read that I wouldn't get to it and if I don't read the Bible my day usually goes about a thousand times worse. Also, it would put me behind in my daily Bible reading plan and I hate trying to catch up. All of these are such holy reasons aren't they?
My reading today was on the crucifixion of Christ.
Oh my goodness.
Luke 23 and John 18-19
Jesus did not open his mouth to his accusers. He did not try to defend himself. He had just spent the night weeping in the garden, in dread of what he knew was about to happen. He was betrayed. He willfully gave himself up. He was denied friendship by his closest friends.
He was mocked and beaten. And he never said a word.
On the way to the cross, he told the women, "Do not weep for me, weep for yourselves and your children … for if men do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?" His heart was compassionate towards these people. He was despised.
Then he hung on the cross for six hours. In darkness for the last three.
He hung there. He died slowly and painfully. He cried out to God, "My God, my God, why have your forsaken me?" The Father turned his back on Jesus, he poured out all of our sins onto him. All of the shame, all of the guilt. Onto the perfect, sinless, Lamb of God.
And he gave up his life.
To pay for my sin.
I can only sit and weep.
That God would come down and allow himself to be nailed to a cross and pay the penalty so that he could rescue us out of darkness and bring us into light.
Lord, let me be forever grateful.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Advice On Pregnancy
The other day I got to hear a fellow blogger Carol Spenst share about blogging, why she blogs, how it has impacted her life and the struggles that go along with blogging. It definitely inspired me to write. So, here I am.
Also, it's nap time, so I can actually put a complete thought together. That helps.
I finally picked up my prenatal yoga DVD again. It was not a priority while we were doing our kitchen and it's just kind of fallen to the wayside since then. The reason I decided to do it today is because I'm at the place in pregnancy when you start to feel like your body is going to fall apart. Or just bust open. I'm starting to have heartburn every time I bend over, which is often since I have little kids. I've also been experiencing some more serious braxton hicks contractions, especially when I pick up Aria who is just over 30 pounds. She loves to be held and since it doesn't' cause major pain yet, I'm still picking her up.
As I was doing my video I was thinking, what would I tell myself during that first pregnancy? What about my first labor? My VBAC? I was thinking about labor and how it's coming soon and how I know it's going to be difficult and painful. That the goal is survival and that it's worth it. It's worth it … it's worth it … I'll get a sweet little baby at the end and feel really proud of myself for surviving … (I will have to keep telling myself that).
So, I'm making a list of all the things that I would tell my former pregnant self and that I'm telling myself during this third pregnancy.
1. Be busy. Don't stop, don't concentrate on your pregnancy, it takes forever. Just do whatever you can to act like life is normal and keep going.
2. Eat right. With Levi I ate well because I was already heavy and was terrified of getting really heavy. I gained about 30 pounds with him but then lost around 60. With Aria I threw caution into the wind and gained 50. After those two pregnancies I knew the difference was me and my attitude. The problem was the girl in the mirror. So with this one I have been more conscious of what I have been eating. So far, by week 29 I had only gained 15 pounds. We will see what this next trimester holds though. I'm going to really have to watch all these holiday treats because honestly I LOVE sugar.
**Update since last week and crashing with ice cream, I just have to confess that I continued to crash and continued to eat uncontrollable amounts of sugar. It was terrible. It was almost as though I was trying to make up for the lost two weeks of sugar. The yeast infection has not come back (yet) and I'm hoping it will stay away. We will see. Things have been better this week, a lot of prayer and soul searching to realize that everything in moderation is best for me. No more cutting out, no more major deprivation, no more forbidden fruit that just makes me want it a thousand times more. I'm also very aware of my own sin tendencies and weaknesses in my heart. Wow.
3. Chiropractors are awesome. That reminds me, I need to call and schedule and appointment.
4. Doulas are awesome. Although, I'm a hypocrite right now because we are not getting one for financial reasons, but for the first time around, they are amazing.
5. Learn about the positioning of your baby. It's important. If you live in Little Rock I HIGHLY recommend going to see Amy Cefalo, she is a midwife here in Little Rock and she will help you figure out the positioning of your baby and has awesome strategies of turning babies. It's just 45 dollars a visit, and it could change your whole delivery. I wish I had known about her when I had Levi, I might not have had a C section with him.
6. Deny, deny, deny labor. That's going to be my mantra this time around. I don't care how strong (I want) the contractions to be, I'm just going to deny it. I want to spend the least amount of time acknowledging the pain and get the most sleep I can before I have to endure real, hard labor and delivery. It takes everything you have to do that stuff. No joke.
Okay, so that's the list right now. I also remember something that my friend Sarah, who had a home birth, said on her blog that I want to remember. Don't let anyone tell you what position to get in when you are in labor. Do what is comfortable for you. Suggestions from those around you are good and you can try them, but really, the most important thing is to do what you want to do during labor. I'm going to try to remember that. Listen to my body, do what feels right.
Anyways, those are my two cents. Not that it matters much, just thoughts I had today about all this baby-making stuff.
Also, it's nap time, so I can actually put a complete thought together. That helps.
I finally picked up my prenatal yoga DVD again. It was not a priority while we were doing our kitchen and it's just kind of fallen to the wayside since then. The reason I decided to do it today is because I'm at the place in pregnancy when you start to feel like your body is going to fall apart. Or just bust open. I'm starting to have heartburn every time I bend over, which is often since I have little kids. I've also been experiencing some more serious braxton hicks contractions, especially when I pick up Aria who is just over 30 pounds. She loves to be held and since it doesn't' cause major pain yet, I'm still picking her up.
As I was doing my video I was thinking, what would I tell myself during that first pregnancy? What about my first labor? My VBAC? I was thinking about labor and how it's coming soon and how I know it's going to be difficult and painful. That the goal is survival and that it's worth it. It's worth it … it's worth it … I'll get a sweet little baby at the end and feel really proud of myself for surviving … (I will have to keep telling myself that).
So, I'm making a list of all the things that I would tell my former pregnant self and that I'm telling myself during this third pregnancy.
1. Be busy. Don't stop, don't concentrate on your pregnancy, it takes forever. Just do whatever you can to act like life is normal and keep going.
2. Eat right. With Levi I ate well because I was already heavy and was terrified of getting really heavy. I gained about 30 pounds with him but then lost around 60. With Aria I threw caution into the wind and gained 50. After those two pregnancies I knew the difference was me and my attitude. The problem was the girl in the mirror. So with this one I have been more conscious of what I have been eating. So far, by week 29 I had only gained 15 pounds. We will see what this next trimester holds though. I'm going to really have to watch all these holiday treats because honestly I LOVE sugar.
**Update since last week and crashing with ice cream, I just have to confess that I continued to crash and continued to eat uncontrollable amounts of sugar. It was terrible. It was almost as though I was trying to make up for the lost two weeks of sugar. The yeast infection has not come back (yet) and I'm hoping it will stay away. We will see. Things have been better this week, a lot of prayer and soul searching to realize that everything in moderation is best for me. No more cutting out, no more major deprivation, no more forbidden fruit that just makes me want it a thousand times more. I'm also very aware of my own sin tendencies and weaknesses in my heart. Wow.
3. Chiropractors are awesome. That reminds me, I need to call and schedule and appointment.
4. Doulas are awesome. Although, I'm a hypocrite right now because we are not getting one for financial reasons, but for the first time around, they are amazing.
5. Learn about the positioning of your baby. It's important. If you live in Little Rock I HIGHLY recommend going to see Amy Cefalo, she is a midwife here in Little Rock and she will help you figure out the positioning of your baby and has awesome strategies of turning babies. It's just 45 dollars a visit, and it could change your whole delivery. I wish I had known about her when I had Levi, I might not have had a C section with him.
6. Deny, deny, deny labor. That's going to be my mantra this time around. I don't care how strong (I want) the contractions to be, I'm just going to deny it. I want to spend the least amount of time acknowledging the pain and get the most sleep I can before I have to endure real, hard labor and delivery. It takes everything you have to do that stuff. No joke.
Okay, so that's the list right now. I also remember something that my friend Sarah, who had a home birth, said on her blog that I want to remember. Don't let anyone tell you what position to get in when you are in labor. Do what is comfortable for you. Suggestions from those around you are good and you can try them, but really, the most important thing is to do what you want to do during labor. I'm going to try to remember that. Listen to my body, do what feels right.
Anyways, those are my two cents. Not that it matters much, just thoughts I had today about all this baby-making stuff.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
This Happened Today
Oh where to begin? What a day this has been.
Maybe I'll just start at the beginning.
Aria has lazy or wandering eyes, yes, poor baby inherited that gene from yours truly. I had noticed it when she was younger, but finally said something at her 18 month appointment. We scheduled an appointment at Children's Hospital two months out. I actually don't know why it was that far out, I just assumed that it was just difficult to get us in.
With great anticipation, the appointment was today. They said to be prepared to be there for three hours. They said to bring books and snacks and toys. To be prepared.
So, I prepared. I woke up at 5:30, I had snacks packed, diaper bag packed, I read the Word, showered, put my makeup on, Ben and I had an awesome time in prayer…
Then my kids woke up.
They slept until 7:30 and it was amazing.
I went and got Aria. She had pooped and it was pretty messy. Like, on the sheets, up her back kind of messy. Awesome. I carried her to her changing table and she was crying. She would NOT lay down to let me change her. She just stood there and cried. She was upset. I was trying to help. So for what seemed like forever but probably was just a few minutes we struggled and I eventually forced her to let me clean her up. "Aria, I understand that you are upset about all of this, but I am only trying to help. I know that the poop is messy and the wipes are cold and you don't like to have your clothes taken off, but this is just what we have to do right now."
Let me just also preface that last night my parents amazingly, lovingly, wonderfully took care of our kids so that we could go to a banquet. Levi and my dad made this beautiful "garage" out of toy blocks. Really, it was kind of a castle built around a toy car. It was also in the kitchen, on the floor, in the middle of life. They made Levi promise that if Aria knocked it over, he wouldn't cry. He promised. And he is a liar (we're born liars right?!) Never trust a three year old.
We go out and have breakfast. We swoon over Levi's beautiful garage. The kids had cereal and I had my eggs on a salad. I tried to get them to eat some eggs, usually Aria loves it, but today she threw them on the floor. Breathe. Calm yourself.
I wiped her off and put her down. Almost immediately she went to Levi's beautiful garage and knocked it over.
Emotional armageddon ensued.
Levi was on the floor weeping. Screaming "No!!! We have to rebuild it!" You would think that he was pleading for his life. I'm looking at the clock and thinking, we need to leave in thirty minutes, he's not dressed, shoes are not on, I still need to pack up a few toys and books, I haven't finished my breakfast, the kitchen is a crazy mess… I told him no, we are not rebuilding the garage. Of course this caused a fit of rage. Honestly, I just didn't want to deal with it. I stood there at the kitchen island, eating my salad and watched him wallow on the floor in anguish. I was wondering if I would be able to get him under control before we needed to leave. Add that to the list of things to do: Get Levi in his right mind. It might have been quicker if we had just rebuilt the garage.
So we disciplined. I was not holy and sanctified and perfect in it. It is very difficult to control this highly emotional little boy. Somehow, we got it under control. I got the toys and books, clothed and shoed the children and we headed out the door, sippies in hand.
Right now we are painting the door that goes from our kitchen to the garage, so instead of a door, we just have a blanket hanging to sort of keep the heat in, but otherwise, it's open. So we are not using our garage right now. We went out our rarely used front door and I just locked it behind me. I got me and the kids into the van and realized I had left the keys in the house. Including our house key. So I hit the garage door opener. It opened about two feet and then stopped. I hit it again and it didn't budge. I had no choice, at thirty weeks pregnant I crawled on my hands and knees under the garage door, went in and got the keys off the counter. I tried the garage door from the inside and it still didn't work. I used the front door to get out of course. I called Ben and told him that the garage door didn't close and that I was leaving because I needed to be at the Dr's appointment at Children's Hospital.
On the way there we stopped to pick up Aria's shot record. Let me just say here that they never once asked for it at Children's. Am I a little annoyed? Yes.
At the hospital I had to ask about three different people for directions to the Opthamology Department. It is somewhere in the back recesses of the hospital. Thankfully, I had planned on this sort of thing happening and we got there with plenty of time.
The appointment was okay. I had heard to allot three hours for it, so I was prepared for a long time. However, I was hoping that Levi would be in a better mood, he just wasn't his chipper self. I'm not sure that it helped to have televisions on in almost every waiting room, with shows that I wasn't even comfortable with, I hadn't seen them before but they looked pretty dumb. Whatever. I did have to hold Aria for the dilation and eye drops, we waited all that time for the Dr to tell us that she had no damage and that he couldn't tell she had a lazy eye. I guess that's a good thing. So really, I spent all that time and effort to find out that she's just fine. I really really really need to be content with that. Lord, I'm sorry I have such a bad attitude.
All the way home I just wanted to eat. Now, we are moving from my children's sin to my sin. Oh my, what a stronghold it can have. I scarfed down my whole bag of nuts and still wanted more.
When we got home, I had made a delicious pumpkin syrup the night before and I was snacking on that… I know I originally said that I would keep on this sugar fast for three weeks, well, I was going to gradually introduce sugar this week. Let's just say that gradually got punched in the stomach for my desire for … comfort. I think now, looking back, I just wanted something that would make me feel better. I wanted to forbidden fruit of sugar and starch and I was tired of being deprived.
That afternoon while the kids napped I decided to make myself a big ole bowl of ice cream. I did not care at that point. I had fallen from my place of perfection and I was going to fall hard. I just didn't care.
I hate the free fall. I hate the feeling of going "off the diet" and just wanting to eat an entire kitchen's worth of food and that still not being enough.
Lord, I need You. I need comfort and strength from You. Help me not to look to food for those things. Help me not to look to my husband or children or Facebook or blogging or instagram or all these things that my heart wants to love. Thank You that You are the God of all comfort. Thank You for creating good food, help me to delight in it and worship you for it. I am tired of looking to food for comfort, it's silly and it just doesn't work. Help me to look to You.
Thank You for today. Thank You that it is over.
Maybe I'll just start at the beginning.
Aria has lazy or wandering eyes, yes, poor baby inherited that gene from yours truly. I had noticed it when she was younger, but finally said something at her 18 month appointment. We scheduled an appointment at Children's Hospital two months out. I actually don't know why it was that far out, I just assumed that it was just difficult to get us in.
With great anticipation, the appointment was today. They said to be prepared to be there for three hours. They said to bring books and snacks and toys. To be prepared.
So, I prepared. I woke up at 5:30, I had snacks packed, diaper bag packed, I read the Word, showered, put my makeup on, Ben and I had an awesome time in prayer…
Then my kids woke up.
They slept until 7:30 and it was amazing.
I went and got Aria. She had pooped and it was pretty messy. Like, on the sheets, up her back kind of messy. Awesome. I carried her to her changing table and she was crying. She would NOT lay down to let me change her. She just stood there and cried. She was upset. I was trying to help. So for what seemed like forever but probably was just a few minutes we struggled and I eventually forced her to let me clean her up. "Aria, I understand that you are upset about all of this, but I am only trying to help. I know that the poop is messy and the wipes are cold and you don't like to have your clothes taken off, but this is just what we have to do right now."
Let me just also preface that last night my parents amazingly, lovingly, wonderfully took care of our kids so that we could go to a banquet. Levi and my dad made this beautiful "garage" out of toy blocks. Really, it was kind of a castle built around a toy car. It was also in the kitchen, on the floor, in the middle of life. They made Levi promise that if Aria knocked it over, he wouldn't cry. He promised. And he is a liar (we're born liars right?!) Never trust a three year old.
We go out and have breakfast. We swoon over Levi's beautiful garage. The kids had cereal and I had my eggs on a salad. I tried to get them to eat some eggs, usually Aria loves it, but today she threw them on the floor. Breathe. Calm yourself.
I wiped her off and put her down. Almost immediately she went to Levi's beautiful garage and knocked it over.
Emotional armageddon ensued.
Levi was on the floor weeping. Screaming "No!!! We have to rebuild it!" You would think that he was pleading for his life. I'm looking at the clock and thinking, we need to leave in thirty minutes, he's not dressed, shoes are not on, I still need to pack up a few toys and books, I haven't finished my breakfast, the kitchen is a crazy mess… I told him no, we are not rebuilding the garage. Of course this caused a fit of rage. Honestly, I just didn't want to deal with it. I stood there at the kitchen island, eating my salad and watched him wallow on the floor in anguish. I was wondering if I would be able to get him under control before we needed to leave. Add that to the list of things to do: Get Levi in his right mind. It might have been quicker if we had just rebuilt the garage.
So we disciplined. I was not holy and sanctified and perfect in it. It is very difficult to control this highly emotional little boy. Somehow, we got it under control. I got the toys and books, clothed and shoed the children and we headed out the door, sippies in hand.
Right now we are painting the door that goes from our kitchen to the garage, so instead of a door, we just have a blanket hanging to sort of keep the heat in, but otherwise, it's open. So we are not using our garage right now. We went out our rarely used front door and I just locked it behind me. I got me and the kids into the van and realized I had left the keys in the house. Including our house key. So I hit the garage door opener. It opened about two feet and then stopped. I hit it again and it didn't budge. I had no choice, at thirty weeks pregnant I crawled on my hands and knees under the garage door, went in and got the keys off the counter. I tried the garage door from the inside and it still didn't work. I used the front door to get out of course. I called Ben and told him that the garage door didn't close and that I was leaving because I needed to be at the Dr's appointment at Children's Hospital.
On the way there we stopped to pick up Aria's shot record. Let me just say here that they never once asked for it at Children's. Am I a little annoyed? Yes.
At the hospital I had to ask about three different people for directions to the Opthamology Department. It is somewhere in the back recesses of the hospital. Thankfully, I had planned on this sort of thing happening and we got there with plenty of time.
The appointment was okay. I had heard to allot three hours for it, so I was prepared for a long time. However, I was hoping that Levi would be in a better mood, he just wasn't his chipper self. I'm not sure that it helped to have televisions on in almost every waiting room, with shows that I wasn't even comfortable with, I hadn't seen them before but they looked pretty dumb. Whatever. I did have to hold Aria for the dilation and eye drops, we waited all that time for the Dr to tell us that she had no damage and that he couldn't tell she had a lazy eye. I guess that's a good thing. So really, I spent all that time and effort to find out that she's just fine. I really really really need to be content with that. Lord, I'm sorry I have such a bad attitude.
All the way home I just wanted to eat. Now, we are moving from my children's sin to my sin. Oh my, what a stronghold it can have. I scarfed down my whole bag of nuts and still wanted more.
When we got home, I had made a delicious pumpkin syrup the night before and I was snacking on that… I know I originally said that I would keep on this sugar fast for three weeks, well, I was going to gradually introduce sugar this week. Let's just say that gradually got punched in the stomach for my desire for … comfort. I think now, looking back, I just wanted something that would make me feel better. I wanted to forbidden fruit of sugar and starch and I was tired of being deprived.
That afternoon while the kids napped I decided to make myself a big ole bowl of ice cream. I did not care at that point. I had fallen from my place of perfection and I was going to fall hard. I just didn't care.
I hate the free fall. I hate the feeling of going "off the diet" and just wanting to eat an entire kitchen's worth of food and that still not being enough.
Lord, I need You. I need comfort and strength from You. Help me not to look to food for those things. Help me not to look to my husband or children or Facebook or blogging or instagram or all these things that my heart wants to love. Thank You that You are the God of all comfort. Thank You for creating good food, help me to delight in it and worship you for it. I am tired of looking to food for comfort, it's silly and it just doesn't work. Help me to look to You.
Thank You for today. Thank You that it is over.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Pregnancy Update 29 Weeks
I wanted to post again about how this pregnancy is going, just as a follow up from last week.
I am now finding my equilibrium without caffeine. Who would have dreamed this was possible? I don't know that I have ever quit caffeine, maybe since college. It's been good for me. I am not falling asleep all the time, I can actually sit and read to my kids or type out a blog post in the middle of the afternoon without falling asleep. I can wake up at six in the morning just fine without both caffeine and sugar. I should say, those things probably go hand in hand for me. I always put sugar in my coffee, I love it that way.
As far as the yeast, it's cleared up significantly. Occasionally I can feel traces of it, but really, I think just starving it out was the key. I'm going to wait another week and a half (three weeks total) before I begin to slowly reintroduce caffeine and sugar. Because, let's just be honest, I really do want to be able to have those things again. I'm just going to have to watch my quantities and the frequency of the sugar, especially with the holidays coming up. Oh yes, a few other things I have been doing to treat the yeast, I got an over the counter three day cream that I spread out over five days. I also drank unsweetened cranberry juice and Kefir and taking a probiotic called Cultrelle. I have also been taking GSE orally and applying it topically as well as coconut oil topically for the past few days. Anyways, if you want to know about any of those remedies in more detail, you can email me or message me.
I took my Glucose test yesterday. I brought my kids. Like a crazy person. Yes, I did drink the sugary drink, I figured that's what I had to do, and there was no getting around it. My plan was to bring books and snacks, but also during that hour that I had to wait, to go and walk around the hospital next to the office. Thankfully I forgot something and started to walk back. That's when a nurse found me and said, you're not supposed to leave, you have to see the Dr. Oh, I thought I was supposed to wait and hour and then get my finger pricked and then see the Dr. She took my weight and blood pressure, both of those looked great. I have now gained a total of 15 pounds, which I think is significantly less than what I gained with Aria. It was encouraging, but I know that I could suddenly start retaining water or get tired and stop exercising or something stupid like that, so I'm not getting too confident yet. I just need to keep being careful and staying active.
The kids and I ended up sitting and reading while they ate snacks. They took us into the room to wait for the Dr and then Aria pooped. While I was changing her diaper I glanced at my watch and realized it was time to prick my finger. So I grabbed her, my purse, the poopy diaper (hoping to find someplace to dispose it, I really don't know what I was thinking) and told Levi, let's go! Then we all ran to the lab and I got pricked. My blood sugar was great, my iron levels were great. What a relief. The kids for the most part were pretty great during the appointment too. Someone commented that they were being so good and I said, "thanks! But don't say that!" I've learned that as soon as you start to think that things are going well and you get too confident, that's when it will all fall apart. Yes, things fell apart a few times that morning, but overall, I felt pretty good about it.
I have to say, that appointment pretty much felt like the summary of this pregnancy. It's been the healthiest one yet, the only difference is that I'm juggling two little kids and life is chaotic. We do what we have to do to get by. It's not convenient always, but it's never boring. I kind of love it.
So, there you go.
I am now finding my equilibrium without caffeine. Who would have dreamed this was possible? I don't know that I have ever quit caffeine, maybe since college. It's been good for me. I am not falling asleep all the time, I can actually sit and read to my kids or type out a blog post in the middle of the afternoon without falling asleep. I can wake up at six in the morning just fine without both caffeine and sugar. I should say, those things probably go hand in hand for me. I always put sugar in my coffee, I love it that way.
As far as the yeast, it's cleared up significantly. Occasionally I can feel traces of it, but really, I think just starving it out was the key. I'm going to wait another week and a half (three weeks total) before I begin to slowly reintroduce caffeine and sugar. Because, let's just be honest, I really do want to be able to have those things again. I'm just going to have to watch my quantities and the frequency of the sugar, especially with the holidays coming up. Oh yes, a few other things I have been doing to treat the yeast, I got an over the counter three day cream that I spread out over five days. I also drank unsweetened cranberry juice and Kefir and taking a probiotic called Cultrelle. I have also been taking GSE orally and applying it topically as well as coconut oil topically for the past few days. Anyways, if you want to know about any of those remedies in more detail, you can email me or message me.
I took my Glucose test yesterday. I brought my kids. Like a crazy person. Yes, I did drink the sugary drink, I figured that's what I had to do, and there was no getting around it. My plan was to bring books and snacks, but also during that hour that I had to wait, to go and walk around the hospital next to the office. Thankfully I forgot something and started to walk back. That's when a nurse found me and said, you're not supposed to leave, you have to see the Dr. Oh, I thought I was supposed to wait and hour and then get my finger pricked and then see the Dr. She took my weight and blood pressure, both of those looked great. I have now gained a total of 15 pounds, which I think is significantly less than what I gained with Aria. It was encouraging, but I know that I could suddenly start retaining water or get tired and stop exercising or something stupid like that, so I'm not getting too confident yet. I just need to keep being careful and staying active.
The kids and I ended up sitting and reading while they ate snacks. They took us into the room to wait for the Dr and then Aria pooped. While I was changing her diaper I glanced at my watch and realized it was time to prick my finger. So I grabbed her, my purse, the poopy diaper (hoping to find someplace to dispose it, I really don't know what I was thinking) and told Levi, let's go! Then we all ran to the lab and I got pricked. My blood sugar was great, my iron levels were great. What a relief. The kids for the most part were pretty great during the appointment too. Someone commented that they were being so good and I said, "thanks! But don't say that!" I've learned that as soon as you start to think that things are going well and you get too confident, that's when it will all fall apart. Yes, things fell apart a few times that morning, but overall, I felt pretty good about it.
I have to say, that appointment pretty much felt like the summary of this pregnancy. It's been the healthiest one yet, the only difference is that I'm juggling two little kids and life is chaotic. We do what we have to do to get by. It's not convenient always, but it's never boring. I kind of love it.
So, there you go.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
A Pregnancy Update
It occurred to me that I hadn't said anything in a while on this particular pregnancy. I'm 28 weeks tomorrow, and I'm excited about these being the last few months until I get to hold our new baby in my arms.
Everything seems to be going well, even though I missed my most recent OB appointment as well as my glucose test. Darn it. I hate it when that happens. I don't even know where my brain was, I was expecting a notification from my phone, but since I didn't have any, it wasn't until the next week that I looked at my calendar that, oh, that was last Wednesday, not this coming one. Pregnancy brain, gets you every time. At least I have something to blame it on...
Yeah, so this being my third pregnancy, it just doesn't seem to be that big of a deal. Sometimes I will forget that I'm pregnant. This one is faithful to remind me though. I love feeling the little flutters and wondering what he's doing in there. We will just be driving in the car and suddenly I will feel him kick. It's amazing that a baby is really and truly growing inside of me. I'm the only one who knows all his little moves. His little feet push on my ribs, he does little somersaults while I'm cooking dinner. He loves to kick in the early morning when I'm reading the Word and spending time with the Lord. It's so amazing.
No, we have not decided on a name yet. I hate naming. I will shoot down any name you throw at me, it's terrible and Ben gets frustrated with me.
Okay, this is more on a physical note. I am hesitant to blog about this, because it's pretty personal. So I just write for other women who might be pregnant or facing this. I've had a yeast infection since ... like... February? It has come and gone and come and gone. In the early months I kept thinking that it would just go away on it's own. I've had mild ones before and they seemed to just work themselves out. Or I could do a 3 day treatment and they were gone. But this, this has been the mother of all yeast infections. Apparently they are pretty tough to get rid of while you are prego. I also have this problem: I am addicted to caffeine and sugar. I kept trying to treat it some other way and keep my little addictions over here. I used to excuse that I have two other kids to take care of and my energy has to come from somewhere. The last straw was when the Dr prescribed me AGAIN with a treatment and I thought I was great. It went away after about a week, but then two weeks later I felt the itching again. I was like, oh crap. Seriously?
So, on Sunday I decided, that's it. I'm just going to give up caffeine and sugar and starve this crazy yeast out. A detox if you will. I did some internet reading and figured out that I need to avoid carbs in general, eat lots of vegetables, some meat, a few complex carbs (good, raw kind) and very little fruit.
So, I haven't had sugar or caffeine in what, three days? Monday went a lot better than I expected, it was just hard to drag myself off the couch that afternoon. Tuesday I had some headaches. Today, every time I sat down with my kids to read or just watch them play or do school with Levi, I could not keep my eyes open. As long as I was moving, I was okay, but as soon as I stopped, my body just wanted to doze. I was reading a book to Levi and realized I was dozing after every sentence. Then I would pry my eyes open and read another sentence. He eventually lost interest. I wonder why?
I don't know how long I will have to do this whole detox thing. I try not to think about that. I more so just try to imagine how I am starving out this infection that has been ridiculous.
Oh yes, I also went to the grocery store yesterday and bought: unsweetened cranberry juice, lemons to put in my water, Keifer probiotic (unsweetened of course), probiotic capsules, and a yeast treatment. Am I crazy? Yes. Am I doing all of these things? Yes, I space them out a bit of course. If you have any suggestions as far as treatment for this stuff, let me know. I'm all ears.
So yeah, that's how this pregnancy has been going so far.
Until next time.
Everything seems to be going well, even though I missed my most recent OB appointment as well as my glucose test. Darn it. I hate it when that happens. I don't even know where my brain was, I was expecting a notification from my phone, but since I didn't have any, it wasn't until the next week that I looked at my calendar that, oh, that was last Wednesday, not this coming one. Pregnancy brain, gets you every time. At least I have something to blame it on...
Yeah, so this being my third pregnancy, it just doesn't seem to be that big of a deal. Sometimes I will forget that I'm pregnant. This one is faithful to remind me though. I love feeling the little flutters and wondering what he's doing in there. We will just be driving in the car and suddenly I will feel him kick. It's amazing that a baby is really and truly growing inside of me. I'm the only one who knows all his little moves. His little feet push on my ribs, he does little somersaults while I'm cooking dinner. He loves to kick in the early morning when I'm reading the Word and spending time with the Lord. It's so amazing.
No, we have not decided on a name yet. I hate naming. I will shoot down any name you throw at me, it's terrible and Ben gets frustrated with me.
Okay, this is more on a physical note. I am hesitant to blog about this, because it's pretty personal. So I just write for other women who might be pregnant or facing this. I've had a yeast infection since ... like... February? It has come and gone and come and gone. In the early months I kept thinking that it would just go away on it's own. I've had mild ones before and they seemed to just work themselves out. Or I could do a 3 day treatment and they were gone. But this, this has been the mother of all yeast infections. Apparently they are pretty tough to get rid of while you are prego. I also have this problem: I am addicted to caffeine and sugar. I kept trying to treat it some other way and keep my little addictions over here. I used to excuse that I have two other kids to take care of and my energy has to come from somewhere. The last straw was when the Dr prescribed me AGAIN with a treatment and I thought I was great. It went away after about a week, but then two weeks later I felt the itching again. I was like, oh crap. Seriously?
So, on Sunday I decided, that's it. I'm just going to give up caffeine and sugar and starve this crazy yeast out. A detox if you will. I did some internet reading and figured out that I need to avoid carbs in general, eat lots of vegetables, some meat, a few complex carbs (good, raw kind) and very little fruit.
So, I haven't had sugar or caffeine in what, three days? Monday went a lot better than I expected, it was just hard to drag myself off the couch that afternoon. Tuesday I had some headaches. Today, every time I sat down with my kids to read or just watch them play or do school with Levi, I could not keep my eyes open. As long as I was moving, I was okay, but as soon as I stopped, my body just wanted to doze. I was reading a book to Levi and realized I was dozing after every sentence. Then I would pry my eyes open and read another sentence. He eventually lost interest. I wonder why?
I don't know how long I will have to do this whole detox thing. I try not to think about that. I more so just try to imagine how I am starving out this infection that has been ridiculous.
Oh yes, I also went to the grocery store yesterday and bought: unsweetened cranberry juice, lemons to put in my water, Keifer probiotic (unsweetened of course), probiotic capsules, and a yeast treatment. Am I crazy? Yes. Am I doing all of these things? Yes, I space them out a bit of course. If you have any suggestions as far as treatment for this stuff, let me know. I'm all ears.
So yeah, that's how this pregnancy has been going so far.
Until next time.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Lately
I just wanted to do a quick update about the kids. Oh my the things that happen! So many things I want to keep track of, if only I had a baby book or something, but really I just have this blog. :)
Aria keeps us on our toes. We call her the book destroyer. She loves tearing things, picking at things and just ripping things apart. Usually even board books are not even safe. Also, along the line of books, she is just getting to the phase of liking longer books. Like Levi did, she has certain books that she will just sit through and love. Richard Scarry's Goodnight Little Bear is her book right now. She likes to kiss the bear (the book) goodnight when the mommy bear kisses him, she calls out "Whee!" when the father bear swings him onto his shoulders. She knows every turn of the page and (for the first time ever) patiently waits to turn the page. I am so excited about it, we probably read it at least three times a day. I don't even care. I remember at this age Levi's books of choice were: "Are You My Mother?" and "It's Not Easy Being A Bunny"
Levi's favorite series right now is anything Clifford. Personally, I could use a little less of Clifford right now, but at least he is enjoying books. He also loves the book "Horton Hatches An Egg" I love it too, but I always have to drink a big glass of water beforehand and set myself in for a LONG book. Some nights I'm thinking, "No! Don't pick that one!! We will never make it to bed!"
The other night he asked to read twelve books. I'm sure he thinks this is the biggest number there is. For some reason I was not using my brain because I told him that if he could say his scripture verse for that week, we would read twelve books. He just needed the first word as a prompt and then he quoted, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to everyone." (Mark 16:15) He didn't know the reference so we negotiated down to six books. My jaw was pretty much on the floor though. Here I had recited the verse over and over to him and he barely said it back to me, and now he was RECITING it. Amazing. I'm now a believer.
Mom of the Year Award: Aria figured out how to push through both the double doors at Chick Fil A. She realized that if she put all of her weight into the doors, they would open. We had a play date there a week or so ago and I caught her trying to escape in the second set of doors. Oh dear. Well, Levi had worn socks for the first time (all summer) and we were having trouble finding them. Our friends were leaving and we were still looking high and low and Aria was attempting to escape. Everyone else was leaving, why weren't we? We finally found the sock shoved in one of Levi's shoes (I forgot that's where I told him to put it... so we wouldn't lose it of course). As I was helping Levi get the socks and shoes on, Aria escaped from my arms of course. The Chick Fil A worker commented about how she must keep me on my toes. I was so determined to get Levi's socks and shoes on and get out of there, I was not using all of my faculties, my only comment back was, "Yeah, she's probably out in the parking lot right now." I don't think the worker knew how to respond back. I shoved Levi's shoes on him, grabbed our stuff and hoped, prayed that I would just find her pushing on the outer double doors again. Nope. She was in the arms of a very sweet lady, asking if she was mine. Embarrassed, um... yeah... she is pretty busy.
There are times when I think, wow, if only I had been thinking clearer as a mom.
Lord, help me. I need You. Help me to know what is important in these situations. Thank You for the guardian angels around my children that are saving their lives every day.
Aria keeps us on our toes. We call her the book destroyer. She loves tearing things, picking at things and just ripping things apart. Usually even board books are not even safe. Also, along the line of books, she is just getting to the phase of liking longer books. Like Levi did, she has certain books that she will just sit through and love. Richard Scarry's Goodnight Little Bear is her book right now. She likes to kiss the bear (the book) goodnight when the mommy bear kisses him, she calls out "Whee!" when the father bear swings him onto his shoulders. She knows every turn of the page and (for the first time ever) patiently waits to turn the page. I am so excited about it, we probably read it at least three times a day. I don't even care. I remember at this age Levi's books of choice were: "Are You My Mother?" and "It's Not Easy Being A Bunny"
Levi's favorite series right now is anything Clifford. Personally, I could use a little less of Clifford right now, but at least he is enjoying books. He also loves the book "Horton Hatches An Egg" I love it too, but I always have to drink a big glass of water beforehand and set myself in for a LONG book. Some nights I'm thinking, "No! Don't pick that one!! We will never make it to bed!"
The other night he asked to read twelve books. I'm sure he thinks this is the biggest number there is. For some reason I was not using my brain because I told him that if he could say his scripture verse for that week, we would read twelve books. He just needed the first word as a prompt and then he quoted, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to everyone." (Mark 16:15) He didn't know the reference so we negotiated down to six books. My jaw was pretty much on the floor though. Here I had recited the verse over and over to him and he barely said it back to me, and now he was RECITING it. Amazing. I'm now a believer.
Mom of the Year Award: Aria figured out how to push through both the double doors at Chick Fil A. She realized that if she put all of her weight into the doors, they would open. We had a play date there a week or so ago and I caught her trying to escape in the second set of doors. Oh dear. Well, Levi had worn socks for the first time (all summer) and we were having trouble finding them. Our friends were leaving and we were still looking high and low and Aria was attempting to escape. Everyone else was leaving, why weren't we? We finally found the sock shoved in one of Levi's shoes (I forgot that's where I told him to put it... so we wouldn't lose it of course). As I was helping Levi get the socks and shoes on, Aria escaped from my arms of course. The Chick Fil A worker commented about how she must keep me on my toes. I was so determined to get Levi's socks and shoes on and get out of there, I was not using all of my faculties, my only comment back was, "Yeah, she's probably out in the parking lot right now." I don't think the worker knew how to respond back. I shoved Levi's shoes on him, grabbed our stuff and hoped, prayed that I would just find her pushing on the outer double doors again. Nope. She was in the arms of a very sweet lady, asking if she was mine. Embarrassed, um... yeah... she is pretty busy.
There are times when I think, wow, if only I had been thinking clearer as a mom.
Lord, help me. I need You. Help me to know what is important in these situations. Thank You for the guardian angels around my children that are saving their lives every day.
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