I'm wanting to write music.
I've been writing a lot of scripture songs, just literally plagiarizing the Bible and singing straight from it. It's fun and it helps me with my struggle with lyrics. I always feel like lyrics take about ten times more work than music.
At the same time, I listen to music and struggle to think that I have anything really to offer. There's nothing new under the sun. Who do I think I am? I have the same thoughts about blogging and whether or not it's worth it to even write. Do I really have anything unique or different?
I'm such a four. If you know about the enneagram, you will know what I'm talking about, if not, look it up, it's intriguing.
This morning I was struggling with sadness, or was it depression? I'm not sure. Maybe it was hopelessness. Which is silly because I truly love my life. My kids are the best, my husband is amazing, my house, my church, our disciples, the property where we live, I could go on and on.
I'm not sure why I was depressed except for a few things: our house is a mess right now, it's amazing how quickly it can become a disaster with eleven people living in it, six of them being children. I often feel like I'm just one person cleaning up after EVERYONE. This is not true of course, I leave messes too, but the ones that are the most annoying are the messes someone else leaves. My messes are there for a reason and I know why, I just don't understand the messes from others. This is all tongue in cheek of course, I've had to step back and observe how silly my reasoning is.
It was also messy because we are walking around on subfloors upstairs in our bedrooms. We are getting new floors installed next week and to save money we ripped up the carpet ourselves. Now the rooms are all kind of hodge-podge around and even though we swept there are still staples and splinters everywhere. Thankfully there haven't been any injuries, yet.
Andrew Peterson's book Adorning the Dark is amazing. He told me to rip up my carpets. So, we are going for it.
I've also been listening to the podcast Typology in hopes to get to know my friends who have a different enneagram number than me, however, I just found myself getting depressed. Maybe because the enneagram is from a negative point of view or it was just about the human condition and we are all in need of God and His redemption. I decided to stop listening and start praying.
It helped to just sort of realize I was kind of sad, kind of mad, kind of depressed and then think about where it might be coming from. Some things I could help, some I could not.
I'm incredibly intimidated to set up a "mini recording studio" in my closet. I'm not smart enough or talented enough for this. But it's a mandate God has put on my heart since October so I must follow through. Help me, Lord. I need You.
Thank You Lord for another year. Thank You for allowing me to live this long, for giving me life and breath and a voice. Thank You that it doesn't matter if I'm special or talented or not, it only matters that I'm obedient. You are God and I am just a little tiny person. Thank You for loving me just as I am. Help me to obey You. Help me to persevere. I love You, with my whole heart, I love You Jesus.
