All that to say, I want to be healed of this. I want for this to be something I don't have to struggle with. Ben doesn't struggle with this. His head hits the pillow and he's out in 5 minutes. Me? I can be lying there for an hour and still be trying to go to sleep. I recite scripture, songs run through my head, conversations run through my head, I pray, I think. I just want to shut my brain off. Where is the off switch on the brain? Could somebody tell me please? I have often considered staying up all night, but then I'm exhausted the next day, then I can't have a decent quiet time with the Lord and I'm literally falling asleep while trying to pray or read the Word. When I don't get enough sleep not even coffee helps. If I could I would go to bed every night at 9 and wake up at 5 and have a two hour time with the Lord (that's not to say anything about my character, I am not a good person, but that is to say how GOOD it is to be with God, how much I enjoy it, just to sit in my corner of the couch with my coffee, journal and Bible and listen and talk to God.)
I was talking about my mind wandering. Drat, I didn't want to say something about this, but I'm going to because if there is someone else who deals with this, then they can relate. This is going back to my healing in the area of sexual addiction. This is when temptation will be the heaviest. At night time when no one else is watching. My mind is going crazy and sometimes I just want one thing to consume it. Sexual thoughts will consume my mind. That's when I can lock my mind on one thing (I'm not saying this is good AT ALL) and not have to think about anything else. No other conversations, not if I cleaned the bathroom or not, I don't have to think about if I got this or that done at work, I can just think about that one thing... and often times I would go to sleep after that. Weird right? I don't know if it was the Lord who would just put me to sleep because my mind was going somewhere it shouldn't or if the enemy was keeping me up so that I would think about these things.
I want to be a normal person and go to sleep when I should. In this life there will be trouble and hardship, we are not guaranteed an easy life. I ask for healing but I'm not sure if God wants to heal me of this. That is up to Him. I will just continue to ask and pray.
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Last night I dreamed that someone was shooting at me. I mean, there was a lot leading up to it and I bought some life jackets from a garage sale and there was a fire engine that was dragging it's ladder and all these school buses going down the road with all these other fire engines, some were spurting flames, we were all going somewhere, I guess it was to an accident or something like that. I don't know. Our car skidded out and I was in it with all these black women (didn't know them) and we were getting shot at. And then my alarm went off.
I woke up and my pulse was racing. I remember thinking, isn't sleep supposed to be restful?
I hate going to sleep. I hate waking up from dreams like that. My mom wakes up from a dream of a man standing over her. She wakes up screaming in the night. I remember living at home with my parents and hearing her. It was terrifying to wake up like that.
Apparently my grandma has the same dream. So does my aunt. So does my cousin... I think that's what I heard. I just found out about them last year or so. I remember thinking, "Seriously? This sounds like a generational curse to me." Some people don't believe in generational curses, that curses can't be passed down and all that stuff. Or that once we are saved all that stuff will be done away with. I'm not positive what the Bible says about it, I haven't studied it, but all five of us are born again Christians. Women who have genuine walks with the Lord. Seriously, I have so much respect for my mom and her sister, my cousin and my grandma. All of them love the Lord. Some might be less mature than others, I don't know, it doesn't matter. I just want to know why the heck we are all struggling with this. I don't believe this is a normal thing.
I do know that it makes me wake up angry or stressed or in a panic. It affects my relationship with my husband, my ability to be a mom. It affects my walk with the Lord... probably more than anything it makes me angry.
I don't even watch scary movies. I stay away from them as best I can. I am easily frightened and I believe that God is not a God of fear. Fear is from the Enemy. So my only conclusion is that these dreams are from the enemy of my soul. I've had bad dreams for as long as I can remember. I say this in tears. Yes, I'm crying right now because I am so frustrated and angry. I want it to stop right now. I don't want to be afraid of going to bed. I don't want to have to take a pill to make me fall asleep. Maybe the pill is part of the problem. I started taking Ambien about 3 1/2 years ago. I had a sleep study that told me my brainwaves spiked every 2 or 3 minutes. And I thought it had been a pretty good night of sleep. I had been exhausted for months, not knowing what it was that made me so tired. I learned I wasn't actually sleeping at night and therefore my body was sleep-deprived. The Ambien made things a lot better.
I also grind my teeth. I started going to a new dentist a few years back. He took one look at my mouth and said, wow, your teeth are very worn down. I was in my early twenties and he said my teeth were about as ground as a 50 year old. Awesome. So I won't have any teeth left in a few years huh? So he gave me a device that keeps me from grinding. It helped. My jaw stopped being so sore and my headaches went away. :) But now my bite is kind of messed up. I can't touch my front teeth together :). Seriously, they will not touch even if I wanted them to.
I think I posted about all of this in an earlier post. But I say all this to ask for prayer. Would you pray for me that I could figure out what all this is and be able to pray against it? To overcome it? Pray that I would be healed? Pray for my mom and aunt and grandma too, that we would all be healed. I'm sure they would like to lay down and sleep in peace. If there is any scripture I could pray over my life, that would be awesome. I know about melatonin, it doesn't help, so don't worry about suggesting it. I know I'm not supposed to take naps, I don't watch scary movies, if you have any other advice, sure whatever, but really, I feel like it's spiritual and it needs to be broken.
For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Ephesians 6:12-13
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4:8
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
Psalm 91:1
You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
Psalm 91:5-7
I woke up and my pulse was racing. I remember thinking, isn't sleep supposed to be restful?
I hate going to sleep. I hate waking up from dreams like that. My mom wakes up from a dream of a man standing over her. She wakes up screaming in the night. I remember living at home with my parents and hearing her. It was terrifying to wake up like that.
Apparently my grandma has the same dream. So does my aunt. So does my cousin... I think that's what I heard. I just found out about them last year or so. I remember thinking, "Seriously? This sounds like a generational curse to me." Some people don't believe in generational curses, that curses can't be passed down and all that stuff. Or that once we are saved all that stuff will be done away with. I'm not positive what the Bible says about it, I haven't studied it, but all five of us are born again Christians. Women who have genuine walks with the Lord. Seriously, I have so much respect for my mom and her sister, my cousin and my grandma. All of them love the Lord. Some might be less mature than others, I don't know, it doesn't matter. I just want to know why the heck we are all struggling with this. I don't believe this is a normal thing.
I do know that it makes me wake up angry or stressed or in a panic. It affects my relationship with my husband, my ability to be a mom. It affects my walk with the Lord... probably more than anything it makes me angry.
I don't even watch scary movies. I stay away from them as best I can. I am easily frightened and I believe that God is not a God of fear. Fear is from the Enemy. So my only conclusion is that these dreams are from the enemy of my soul. I've had bad dreams for as long as I can remember. I say this in tears. Yes, I'm crying right now because I am so frustrated and angry. I want it to stop right now. I don't want to be afraid of going to bed. I don't want to have to take a pill to make me fall asleep. Maybe the pill is part of the problem. I started taking Ambien about 3 1/2 years ago. I had a sleep study that told me my brainwaves spiked every 2 or 3 minutes. And I thought it had been a pretty good night of sleep. I had been exhausted for months, not knowing what it was that made me so tired. I learned I wasn't actually sleeping at night and therefore my body was sleep-deprived. The Ambien made things a lot better.
I also grind my teeth. I started going to a new dentist a few years back. He took one look at my mouth and said, wow, your teeth are very worn down. I was in my early twenties and he said my teeth were about as ground as a 50 year old. Awesome. So I won't have any teeth left in a few years huh? So he gave me a device that keeps me from grinding. It helped. My jaw stopped being so sore and my headaches went away. :) But now my bite is kind of messed up. I can't touch my front teeth together :). Seriously, they will not touch even if I wanted them to.
I think I posted about all of this in an earlier post. But I say all this to ask for prayer. Would you pray for me that I could figure out what all this is and be able to pray against it? To overcome it? Pray that I would be healed? Pray for my mom and aunt and grandma too, that we would all be healed. I'm sure they would like to lay down and sleep in peace. If there is any scripture I could pray over my life, that would be awesome. I know about melatonin, it doesn't help, so don't worry about suggesting it. I know I'm not supposed to take naps, I don't watch scary movies, if you have any other advice, sure whatever, but really, I feel like it's spiritual and it needs to be broken.
For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Ephesians 6:12-13
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4:8
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
Psalm 91:1
You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
Psalm 91:5-7
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I think I am going to start claiming this scripture over my sleep:
Psalm 27
The Lord is my light and my salvation -
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life -
of whom shall I be afraid?
when evil men came against me to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek;
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling;
He will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted above my enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.
Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek His face!"
Your face, O Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide Your face from me,
do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my helper.
Do not reject or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
Teach me Your way, O Lord;
lead me on in a straight path because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
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Last night I dreamed about people being saved. It was cool, but I woke up really excited in the middle of the night. I told God, hey, I need to dream about green pastures or something peaceful like that :) (I'm halfway kidding).
Then I dreamed about... I don't remember. But I woke up at 3:45 and then went back to sleep and dreamed that I went back to high school (this is a dream that happens a lot). I had Levi with me and had two different bags for my books and then some gear for a sport I was going to play afterward. I had to ride in the car with Levi in my lap. I got there and there was this other girl changing her baby in the courtyard. I asked her if she was going to get a sling to carry the baby in so she could still go to class and she said, "no, I'll probably drop out." I looked down at Levi and thought, will I need to drop out because of him? "You could home school" I suggested. Then I suddenly couldn't remember how I had gotten Levi. I must have had him out of wedlock. I couldn't remember getting married, Ben was far from my mind. It was so confusing. Finally when I woke up I remembered that Ben and I got married and THEN we had Levi. The shame and confusion left me.
Before I went to sleep last night I followed my friend Sara's advice and bound up the spirits of fear and deception. And I loosed the spirits of love and power... maybe I needed to bind up confusion. :)
I feel like I'm still in this battle. The war is won, I have been bought and paid for, but this is a battle front and I need to fight with all of my heart. It used to be an easy battle for Satan because I didn't even know I was in a battle. He could just hit me and knock me down and I was there just lying on the ground in pain. He'd come back to me later and knock me down again. I'm finally awake to the fact that this is an actual battle and I'm inviting my friends to pray with me and now I have more of his concentrated efforts. The thing is, He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. Christ is more powerful than Satan. That doesn't mean that Satan and his legions of demons won't fight though. They are haters and liars.
I'm going to continue to fight.
This is the scripture God gave me this morning for this area:
Then you will understand what is right and just and fair - every good path.
For wisdom will enter your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
Discretion will protect you,
and understanding will guard you.
Proverbs 2:9-11
