Tuesday, June 28, 2011

And your face will be radiant

I was reading about Moses in Exodus today. What an incredible book. I will admit here that I skim/skip the parts about the measurements and requirements for the temple because I'm not in full understanding or appreciation for it right now. I know it's important and I know it is for the glory of God and it is specific and all the elements have meaning, but I'm not studying that right now. I am simply looking at God's interactions with Moses and the Israelites. And that, is truly amazing.

I'm amazed at God's grace for them.
I'm amazed at His judgement.
I'm amazed at His compassion.

This has been so true in my own life. How easily I turn back to my old sin, like a dog returning to it's vomit (Proverbs). And yet, He is slow to anger, abounding in love and compassion. I wish I knew more people who are slow to anger. I'm pretty quick to become angry myself. Someone wrongs me and I'm done. My son or my husband gets on my nerves and my blood is boiling. I think of God as He is sitting on His throne, watching us and we wrong Him, and then He is slow as He reacts. He takes His time, He gives us another chance, He has hope for our hearts as He watches with eyes full of love and grace for us. It is amazing to me.

That was totally a rabbit trail. Sorry. But probably a rabbit trail worth taking. :)

Moses went up on the mountain for the second time to get the commandments from God. He and God have a whole conversation and Moses asks to see God, and God says, you can't look at my face or else you will die (whoa), but I will pass by and speak my name and then after I pass you can see me as I'm going... then Moses gets down on his face and worships God because in that moment it is so clear about his own people's depravity and God's holiness. After that God tells him all of the commands. Moses spent forty days and forty nights on the mountain with God and didn't eat for drink anything (that's miraculous). Then he came down and he was glowing. He was radiant is what it says in my Bible.

It made me remember this verse:
Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy; the wealth on the seas will be brought to you, to you the riches of the nations will come.    Isaiah 60:5

When we see Him we will be radiant before Him. I am amazed.

Friday, June 24, 2011

What a day.

I haven't wanted to write much lately... I keep thinking about my blog and then I have something else to do, or Levi needs something and life just gets in the way. What in the world do I have to post about anyhow? My life is kind of boring, kind of busy, kind of a lot of things.

I just got home from a Crisis Pregnancy Center training session. I just laid Levi down for his afternoon nap and here I am in a toy strewn living room, there are a few dirty dishes in the kitchen, things just need to be tidied up around the house, the bathroom project is staring me in the face... really I just want to sit down, watch a movie on my laptop and eat ice cream. That's what I really want to do.

Yesterday a woman commented that I already had a baby belly ... and I am only 11 weeks! What the heck?! Going home all I really wanted to do was eat some Doritos... and some fruit snacks. Did that help? No, it just made things worse. So after laying on the couch with Levi running his tractor all over me, I decided that we were going to the pool. I put on my looser swimsuit (because I was feeling especially heavy) and we walked the half mile to get there. The heat was oppressive, but felt strangely good because we were about to go into some cool water.

I really need to start working at making friends at the pool. I have met a few people, but didn't see any of them yesterday. I didn't feel like meeting new people or trying to talk over the noise of all the splashing fountains. It's strange how you can just feel like an outsider sometimes. I think of myself as an outgoing person, I will talk to anyone, but sometimes I just don't have the energy. Ben came to the pool after work and I told him my woes of the day. We laughed and talked. I am thankful for his friendship, even when I am most alone, he is still there, right beside me, loving me just as I am and I have no idea why.

So my goal for today is to eat healthier and not to fall into this pattern of wasting my afternoons away. But I'm tired! I say, I'm pregnant! I just want to have some "me" time!! I feel like those are silly excuses. I want to learn to live life fully and not just try to pass my time. Lord, help me to make the most of my days. I know that they are short, I know that these moments are passing us by, help me to live in them and not just wish for different moments.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
Galations 5:22-25

Friday, June 17, 2011

Ramblings and thoughts...

I haven't written for a while, I guess it's this whole feeling like I've been hit by a train thing. I had forgotten how difficult pregnancy is. It is a difficult, tremendous thing to bring a life into this world. And I am only at the beginning.

I'm wishing my throat didn't still hurt. Who would have thought coughing so much would require this long of a recovery? I'm hoping there won't be permanent damage... if so, I hope it makes my voice sound cooler :)
I've been listening to some of my old recordings of songs and past CDs and even just stuff that I never really released, little pieces of songs and bits that I had made up on the fly and never really listened to again. Sometimes my voice gets on my nerves because I can hear all my pitch issues. I should have practiced more. I need to call the studio that I was working with. Pregnancy and being a mom has really put some big hiccups in what I was doing there. Now, it's been so long that I feel guilty about calling them. I need to just stop being stupid and call them. Maybe I'll call Monday, actually, I could probably call tomorrow, I'm sure they're probably working. I love those guys. I so enjoyed working with them. I have really hoped that their studio would take off. The music industry in LR is terrible. It really is.
I have been thinking about how it would be cool to do a show at a coffee house or someplace intimate like that. I love to just get up and share all the deep places in me, tell my stories, and just sing.
I am listening to a friend who did harmonies with me on a song and it makes me wish I could do that again. Does anyone want to just come over and sing with me? I so need to do that. I want to just sit in my living room with my musician friends and share songs that we have written. I just love to hear the innermost parts of souls. I love to hear the thoughts put to music and the beauty of it. I tried to do that once in college, I called it Artists Anonymous. It was one good night and a few friends came and a few friends played. I definitely need to do that again.

I'm tired of all the time I waste in front of my computer. I'm tired of the television. Lord, please give me new vision, new fire, new wine. I feel tired and thirsty. I feel weak. Please help me.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Pregnancy again. :) part 4

So the other day I stepped on a scale (I don't own scales of my own but sometimes when I'm at my parents house or something I will step on just to see).  And... it pretty much told me I had gained about 7 pounds. Yikes. Already? I'm only nine weeks... but then in the back of my mind I'm like, "yeah, Jody, that sounds about right with as much as you have been eating lately, and with as little as you have been exercising." Yes, I have been eating more desserts, more carbs (been craving salty stuff) and I haven't been as motivated to go for a walk in this heat.

Maybe that step on the scale was just what I needed to kick things into action. This morning I got up and took Levi for a thirty minute walk at 8 and it wasn't that bad. Truthfully, I think the earlier the better for walks in the summer. It's been up in the nineties this week and anything after nine is just impossible.

As I was walking I was just thinking about how I just need to make my calories count. I'm hungry basically all the time and it's not like I can't eat because I will feel nauseated, and I think in some way I am needing to feed this little baby growing inside of me. But I think instead of reaching for an ice cream bar I should probably get an apple or banana or something like that instead. I remember with Levi I would have a huge glass of whole milk every afternoon and that would get me through. We went through a lot of milk. So I think I just need to be more mindful of my snacks and what I'm putting into my body. I want this child to have a good start, so I need to watch what I eat. I also need to continue exercising so that I'm strong for when I have my VBAC :)

I'm going to my first OB appointment today. I would have gone in sooner but I was gone and then he was gone, so this is the soonest we could get me in. I'm okay with that, I don't know that those early appointments make very much of a difference except to get to know the Dr and for him to prescribe meds for morning sickness which I probably won't fill since it's expensive and mine's not that terrible. I mean, sometimes it's terrible, but sometimes I'm totally fine.

Well, I gotta go before Levi takes apart Ben's computer. Oh the joys of having an 18 month old :)