Simple Obedience

Have you ever felt like it takes like eight trillion times for you to learn one simple thing? I have been feeling that way lately.

The Lord is teaching me about absolute obedience.

Ben and I have decided to start studying our Bibles this way:
Read a passage of scripture
Write down the scripture in your own words
Write down a list of how you can obey the scripture. A list of "I Wills"

Then you have to do the "I Wills" and you have to talk to other people about it. Just say, 'This is what God has been teaching me lately..."

Very simple. Yet oh so difficult.

I've been reading in Luke and it's basically the Sermon on the Mount only in Luke's words. Yesterday I read two things that hit me.

One: What is done in secret will be disclosed. If you say anything in secret, if you do anything, it will someday be shouted from the rooftops. Now, it may happen on Judgement Day or it may happen before then, but really, none of our lives is hidden. Everything is seen and heard.

Now I'm going to get a little more down and dirty and how this applies to my life. Lately I have been eating in the afternoons. Eating a lot. Let's just say the other day I had eight cookies. I'm just saying that so that there will be no imagination used or anything and I just believe that absolute honesty is the best way to go. Something I have struggled with for years has been closet eating. The secrecy of it is terrible. Maybe that's why I have to say that out loud, so that it doesn't have power over me any more.

It's usually that my kids are down for naps and I think to myself, Ben won't notice these cookies being gone. Or: he doesn't care what I eat. Or: this is MY time, I've had a rough day and I've EARNED this by gosh.

Yesterday the Lord really convicted me in that I think that because I'm alone I can get away with this sin. Yes, it's a sin, I'm harming the body God has given me and I'm going to food for comfort. It's a sin. Really, He's right there with me. He sees everything. what I do in secret, when i'm along in my house is important. That time when no one sees me does matter. Not so I can be skinny or awesome or anything like that, but my heart needs to be towards Him and not towards food.

Now, just to clarify the freedom: I believe one or two cookies are not a sin. God did make food to be enjoyed but the excess of eight or ten or twelve... I know that I'm not simply looking to enjoy a part of God's creation, I am being selfish and I am over indulging and treating a good thing in the wrong way.

Okay, on to the other thing I am learning...

Two: Sell your possessions and give to the poor.

(looks away)

Really Jesus? What do you mean by that? How many possessions should I sell? What should I keep? How do I sell them?

I read that one this morning.

Honestly, it kind of scares me because I don't know how exactly to obey that one. I hated having a garage sale and really I did about 8 hours of work for about a hundred bucks. So dumb. I have often thought about selling stuff on Ebay or Craigs List with dollar signs in my eyes thinking, I could make money and be rid of stuff. (I hate how much stuff we have in our house). But then I think about setting up and Ebay account and taking pictures and setting prices and then mailing the stuff and it all becomes very overwhelming. Is that dumb? I feel so dumb to say all that. But it's really how I feel.

So, here's my prayer for this last scripture I read.

Lord, I know that you don't want us to be held down by our stuff. I know you want us to give to the poor. You say that we will have so much greater treasure in heaven when we do those things. But Lord, I'm really lost in how to obey you in this one. I don't want to obey you. I feel like I sound like my three year old when he was whining about not wanting to eat his green beans last night. "I don't like it!" Thank you for being patient with me. Holy Spirit, please empower me to obey You. I have no idea what I'm doing and I feel stupid sometimes but You can enable me to do the things I need to do. I want my heart to be right and ready and willing. Help me to be able.

A Bodily Cleansing :) part 13

I prefer to learn from my mistakes... not make them again. Of course, pride comes before the fall.

As soon as I finished my post yesterday Levi woke up. It was a chaotic afternoon. I didn't want to think about anything, didn't want to put away the laundry, didn't want to fix something for him to eat, didn't want to change his diaper, didn't want to clean the house... You get the picture. Schedules for moms are like a backbone, a way that allows you to do what you need to do. For most new moms, life revolves around the nap time. If nap time ends early, life goes crazy.

All that to say, I ate a brownie. And a banana and some dried fruit and almonds... and a granola bar... I think it was in reverse order. I DIDN'T want to write about this. I thought, "whatever, people don't need to know this, they don't care, I'll just glaze on and go to my next topic on my blog..." But, I don't feel that would be honest. So I will be thankful for these things: eating one brownie doesn't cause someone to gain 10 pounds. (some people say it would cause them to, but that is not possible, a brownie doesn't even weigh 10 pounds). At least I didn't eat the whole rest of the pan of brownies. I will be thankful that the other food I ate was reasonably healthy. I am thankful for a husband who is quick to pick me up, brush me off and helps me to move on. I am thankful we had an enjoyable date that night and didn't even eat dessert (he is a kind man isn't he?). I am thankful that the Lord allows me to be humble.

Okay, with that aside, I just want to tell y'all that I am struggling. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm struggling. I hesitate to share it on here because I don't want pity or for people to feel sorry for me.

After running my errands I took Levi for a walk and was just talking to God today. "God, I don't want to do this. I don't want to go home. I don't want to call someone. I don't want to go see someone, I don't want anyone to come see me. I don't want to be stuck in my house all weekend, I don't want to have people over... " and on and on God just got to hear me complain. I asked God to help my friends. No, couldn't pray for them specifically because I didn't know what to say or how to say it. My speech wasn't eloquent I just asked for some help. Just some help God, You know. I'm tired. I don't want to do this. I kept going and crying out to Him and going and crying out and complaining. I don't know if anyone looked out their window and saw me talking to myself, I told God, I don't want to care about what people think of me. I'm tired. I started to tell Him about how messed up my family is, help my mom as she is helping my grandma and my pre-Alzheimer grandpa go home from Texas to Missouri. Lord, I want my grandpa to come to know you. Even though this is the sunset of his life, maybe he prayed a prayer long time ago, maybe he's saved, but he's not living for You God. My heart LONGS that he would be consumed with love for the Lord. Before his mind leaves him that his mind could be consumed with YOU God! ... Man, I was praying out loud, almost yelling (someone was running their leaf blower, so it didn't matter much).
I was going to the top of this hill and just claiming back my sleep, the sleep of my mom and aunt and cousin back from the enemy. I was sick of Satan stealing from us. I didn't want it for my children, I want to cast off these things!

I got to the top of the hill and saw the clouds and the sky. It was like my face was lifted up. My head was lifted up and all of the sudden it came over me.

"Thank You for being my friend."

Scripture says He is a friend to the down-trodden, to the weary and heavy laiden, to the broken and humble of heart. The thing is, He is a friend who can actually DO something. I have a lot of friends who would probably love to come help me do something about my family, help me straighten out my life, give me some strength, but they can't. He can. He put His Spirit inside of me and he can change hearts. If I ask something He will listen and He has the ability to do it.

He is the author and perfecter of our faith.

He is a loving father.

He is a friend who is more faithful than any friend on the planet.

He knows my sorrows, He has carried my pain, He has born my sins, He carried my iniquities.


And He is not through with me yet.

Freedom from Sexual Addiction part 3

The past few days I have been greatly encouraged by those around me. I have had emails and phone calls, conversations with others about my story that I am in the process of sharing. My story that I don't like to share. I don't take joy or delight in it, it is painful for me. It's a shameful part of my past that I would rather just forget and keep out of my mind for the rest of my life. As I write I remember the fact that this is out there and my friends, parents, in-laws, pastors, anyone could read this. I cannot tell you how many times those thoughts have come to mind these past few days. I cannot tell you in how many ways I have been attacked by the enemy. Thoughts of depression, weariness, loneliness (in the midst of being called/loved on by others)... lies from the enemy. Doubt and fear, all of these things. It's interesting how strongly and terrifically the enemy flails in his attempts to beat me down. I'm amazed. But I am in awe of God. Of His power and His leading through His Holy Spirit who lives in me and guides me through the valley of the shadow of death. I am in awe of the truth of the Bible and how it pierces like a double-edged sword. I am amazed by the power of music and how when it is sung over a place my spirit is lifted and the enemy is silenced and when I dance before the Lord (yes, in my living room with Levi and David Crowder singing Only You) I can dance in freedom and truth that He has my life, all of me. He has bought and paid in full all of my sins.

To this you were called because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

"He committed no sin,
and no deceit was found in his mouth."

When they hurled insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.
1 Peter 2:21-24

My sacrifice of my pride is small in comparison.

The other day I was thinking about what pulls you into this stuff. Why is it so appealing? Am I a freak of nature that I would be drawn to stuff like this. I think there are a couple of things. Yes, I am a sinful person. My heart is drawn to sin, it's the marring of my ancestors Adam and Eve and our fallen race. It's my own heart and mind that pulls me towards this. Sin is a perversion of good things. Things that God created good: sex, food, other things, Satan has twisted. Maybe just a little bit at first, but over time it becomes a little more and a little more. It might have been a passing thought at first, somewhat shocking, somewhat curious, but it becomes a little more familiar to us. That first shock, feeling is gone, so we need to go a little further. I think this is how it goes with drugs and alcohol as well. You just have to start out with the little drugs like marijuana, but after that becomes too familiar, it's easy to take a step up. (I don't know this, I am only speaking from speculation and what I have heard, and honestly I think I would have been into drugs if the Lord had not protected me from it, I find that I'm drawn to escape my circumstances and alter my feelings, so ... yeah).

I also feel like the enemy doesn't come just crashing in on the first try. That would be easy, we would be turned off immediately, not a problem to say no to. But he likes to do stuff when we least expect it, drop a thought in here or there, hear something on the radio, see something on the TV. It would be almost impossible to remove yourself from anything that could ever be a temptation. That is also pretty legalistic and living by man's rules instead of God's. I want to remove and flee from temptation as much as I can in my life. I know how bad sin messes me up. One thing the Lord has taught me to do is to "bounce" my thoughts. Here's how it goes: I am walking along one day and an image from my past drops into my mind. As soon as I realize it's there I stop and look or focus on something else. If I'm outside I can look at a tree, inside I might look over at my fireplace or something silly like that. I pray the scripture of my life "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" "It is for freedom that Christ has set you free, stand firm then and do no let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." If I can I will remove myself from that place and go to a new place. I'm thankful for my son, that he is a good distraction from sin. If anything, I don't want this to be a part of my life for the sake of my marriage and family.

In all that I am saying I don't want to be formulaic. If you blink one eye, jump around in a circle for 45 seconds and say this thing twelve times then you will be free from this, NO! In everything we need to be going to the Word of God, listening to the Holy Spirit, asking others to help us in our repentance. Oh yes, the Bible says in James to confess your sins to one another so that you may be healed. If we will confess, we will be healed. Wow! But then we need to repent. To repent is to turn away from, to walk the other way. Many times I have not wanted (in my flesh) to repent and turn away because I knew it would involve pain on my part. I didn't enjoy what I was doing, I wanted to stop, but I didn't want that awkward stage that's in the middle of those two things that involves struggling, being tempted, doing something else besides that sin... Now, I am so grateful for my freedom. The sin is not the first thing I think of to do when I am bored. Now I do things like paint, listen to music, clean my house, read a book, play with my son... That middle ground is the hardest part, but it is worth it.

If you remember, please lift me and my family up in prayer. Our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Eph. 6:12) But he who is in us is greater than he who is in the world. :)

The Redemption of My Physical Body: part nineteen

I have realized more and more in my life that when I try to control something I end up messing it up. As soon as I get my greasy little fingers on something it is bound to just fall apart.

I feel like weight loss needs to be almost unnoticeable. What is the saying? A watched pot never boils? When I keep stepping on the scale every day and several times a day, when I keep going and looking in the mirror at my stomach and keep thinking about it I defeat myself. When I exercise too hard and starve myself I either collapse or I give up and eat everything in sight.

All my life whenever I would TRY to lose weight I would either maintain or gain. That sounds crazy right? I think it was because my trying was fueled by my own self-will. As soon as my self-will burnt out I would crash and binge. I am still amazed at how long I did this. I mean, it was years of dieting one week and crashing that weekend, crashing several times in a week even. Maybe keeping it up for a two or three weeks (I'm not sure how long sometimes it runs together in my mind) and then crashing. Maybe because the amount of weight felt insurmountable. I remember when I reached 50 pounds over what I needed to be... it felt like I would never go back. I remember being categorized on the doctor's charts as being "obese" ... I really remember that, that hopelessness.

Hopelessness is a dark place. I think many women feel this way about their weight. Maybe you have 100 pounds to lose, maybe it's just the last 20 pounds that won't come off since the baby came. I think it's an overwhelming sense that "my body is never going to change" "I am never going to change" ...

So I'm sitting here, trying to think of how I got hope. What can I say to encourage you? Well, let's be clear about one thing first, hope is only found in Christ. If you are in Him you have an eternal hope of glory. Our bodies here on this earth will never work perfectly but thankfully when we pass into glory we will get a new body that will be perfect. No more of these earthly struggles. Let me just yell here: PRAISE THE LORD! I'm not gonna have to deal with this thing anymore.

Okay, after that I think what gave me a lot of hope was just pulling away from the world. I stopped watching TV, stopped reading "Fit" and "YM" and just started asking God, "What do You think of me?" The message of the world is that I will never be skinny enough, my hair will never be perfect enough, I will never be rich enough. It's not that I had to separate myself from people so much, I just had to really start to monitor what I looked at and listened to.

The more I asked the Lord what He thought, the more I asked Him what He gave me to eat... little by little, without even realizing it, I began to lose weight. The thing is, the Holy Spirit never told me to overeat. :) If anything, He gave me the self-control to pass up dessert if I didn't need it, the presence of mind not to overeat in the afternoon. I knew that God created fruits and vegetables for my benefit with all the vitamins and minerals in them. It was this new and crazy way of eating.

I know some of you may think I'm crazy with this, but I'm just being honest. This by no means has been a perfect process. I mess up often and stray from His leading often, but God has poured out mercy in my life in these times. He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness. He is slow to anger and abounding in love.

The Redemption of My Physical Body: part sixteen

God is faithful to sustain me. I'm just gonna start out by saying this fact: He is faithful

I always wanted the Christian life to be cut and dry. These are the exact boundaries to stay in, if I read three chapters of the Bible, pray for 15 minutes, go on a walk, do 15 sit-ups, go on a run, eat the perfect foods in the perfect amounts, then I will be good. A nice little checklist of perfection. I used to make all kinds of checklists. I had this uncanny ability to make impossible checklists. These lists will make me perfect and then I will be okay. I'm not saying there is something inherently wrong with lists, but I was becoming a slave to them.

I was becoming a slave to dieting.

Must stay within these boundaries, must not go outside, if there is a party, the boundaries are thrown out and there will be a new start tomorrow, or Monday...

I'm going to steal an analogy from Gwen Shamblin right now. This was the most revolutionary thing in getting me to think that my struggle with food is a SPIRITUAL struggle, not a physical one. It has physical attributes, but at it's core it is spiritual.

Dieting is slavery. Just like the Israelites in Egypt, it is a slavery to food, I don't like it, can't wait to get out, but always want to go back. It is a human solution. I devise rules for myself that I must obey and I will quit trusting in the God who created me and knows what is best for me, and I will trust in food, I will trust in all the nutrition experts and the world's way of doing things. This way I will be in control of my own destiny... except that I hate it. I mean, I might like it for a while, that feeling of being in control and eating healthy, yes, it does those things... but, in my own life, when I am "dieting" I am not depending on God.

Lord, help me, I'm weak in this, I don't want to throw people off into no man's land, I pray that You would lead and guide.

Last night I wanted ice cream. I thought, I don't need ice cream, my jeans are getting a little tight. But I WANTED ice cream. I thought, I'm nursing, it's not a big deal. But somewhere in there I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me that I would be okay without ice cream. That still, small voice that leads so perfectly was quietly saying, no Jody, you are going to be fine without it. And I listened. I was fine without it. And then Ben had some and told me how good it was. I wish I could tell you this amazing story of how I resisted temptation, I didn't fall ... all that stuff. But, I had some. And honestly, I wish that I had not. I sort of spent the rest of the night piddling around on Facebook, wasting precious time, looking at pictures of people I didn't even know, sort of just falling into it. As I went to bed I felt my stomach sort of churning and again, wished I hadn't. I'm not going to have regrets or shame over this, I don't think it will cause me to gain 5 pounds, BUT I do want to learn from this experience. That's why I'm blogging about it today.

Tonight, when the Holy Spirit prompts me, I want to just pray. I might even ask Ben to hold me accountable not to eat whatever it is. I want to stay away from piddling on Facebook and maybe clean something, read a book, paint a picture... I want to not look at what others are doing around me and wish I could be like them (it was totally fine for Ben to partake, I DO NOT need to compare myself with him) I need to listen to God in my life.

Lord, help me to walk with You today. Show me Your ways. Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.