Struggles

Something that I dislike about having a blog that is so open and so readable is the fact that I can't just hide behind my keyboard and post things anonymously. I share my struggles and then go out into the world and people know about them. Hello.

Lord, help me to be transparent. I know that's why You called me to start this blog. You're working in my heart now and it's painful sometimes. Open heart surgery is painful right??

I also want to apologize for any disjointed thoughts. Sleep has been elusive and erratic right now, this makes thinking difficult. Again, Lord, help me.

I've been struggling a lot with pride and selfishness. Self-centeredness. Me-ness. Oh how I want the world to revolve around me. I don't even like to type that because it looks so ugly.

I have been wanting to blog just so I can get more hits or comments about how amazing I am at blogging. It's a doubled edged sword I think. I want to be vulnerable and yet I want to be awesome at the same time. Lord, help me to see that this is about You. I am small. Let me be content to just be small and inadequate. It's better when I'm weak and I get to be carried by You Jesus. That way Jody is not exalted so high. I don't belong up there. I just want to be found in You.

I found myself wanting others to know that I'm a musician. Honestly, I'm not that talented. I used to write a lot, mostly out of my struggle with depression and feelings of inadequacy, but I just haven't been able to write these past four years. I want to write a song so badly, but it just won't come. Lord, thank You for humbling me in this area. I would totally think I'm amazing had You not humbled me and broken me. Thank You.

I have been wanting to be skinnier. Mainly so that my clothes wouldn't be so snug and uncomfortable. I've found myself comparing myself to other women thinking, "why can't I look like her?" or looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, "I hate my arms … or my stomach or my legs … " or any other body part that Satan wants to pick in that moment to highlight and hate. Jesus, You created me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You created even my fat stores to be where they are and You called me beautiful. I am beautiful because You created me. Lord, help me remember that this body You have given me is good. Help me not to abuse it with a third helping of brownies. Help me to know how to nurture it and take care of it. I pray that I would not even allow thoughts of hatred toward it to be entertained for one millisecond. I am Yours.

All of this has been so me-focused. I feel like it's led down a path of depression lately. Even as I was taking care of the kids, talking to Ben, laying them down for naps I just had a spirit of anger. It wasn't just like a sad depressed, but it was more of an angry depressed. I couldn't put my finger on why I felt this way. But then the Lord showed me, that it's because I'm only looking at me.

Lord, You are so faithful to show me my sin. Yet, You are so faithful not to leave me there. This heart slips into these patterns so easily. Thank You for showing me where I need release. Thank You for humility. Thank You that I get to live a transparent life and I don't have to be concerned with what others think of me, because only Your opinion matters. You see all of my heart. Let me live in that place. Let me be only concerned with You. Give me strength to love my children and my husband and serve them sacrificially no matter how little time I get to myself. They are truly a joy and I really do have the best job in the world.

Thank You Lord.

Letters to Littles

Just a few notes to my three precious children.

Dear Levi, 

You are the biggest helper a mother could ask for. I'm really sorry I tend to abuse that privilege, I will try not to in the future. You make me laugh hard and I wish I was half as cool as you are some days. You are going to grow up to be the most handsome boy on the block, but I pray that you never know it. I pray that you take risks, serve the Lord with all your heart and make Jesus the Lord of your life.

Dear Aria, 

You are a pistol. I quiet one, but a pistol nonetheless. I love how you quietly climb to the top of the couch then say, "watch dis" and proceed to launch yourself onto the floor. My feet hurt just from watching you. You have an awesome dimple in your chin, I pray you always love it because it makes you totally unique. You are hilarious and you are starting to realize it. You want to do everything by yourself until you realize you can't do it. then you are unashamed to yell out, "hep pees!" (help please). 

I honestly can't understand 2/3 of what you say, but it sure is cute how you say it. We definitely need to work on your articulation. I pray that you grow to become a woman of purity and strength. More than anything, I want you to know Jesus and fall deeply in love with him. He's the only one who can fill you. 

Dear Simeon,

You are an awesome baby. Thank you for being so chill. You look so much like Levi did at your age, I think you will be just as handsome as he is. I pray that you will be a man of honor and prayer. Know that your name means "God hears" may you be a man who cries out to God and believes that He hears you.

I love you all. I can't imagine my heart being any fuller. 

Your Mama

Today

I don't have time to blog… I'm too tired to blog.

I just have to say that today I had an epiphany: Things never go the way you expect them to go. I just need to learn to expect the unexpected. Today Levi napped perfectly. This is the first time he has done so in WEEKS. However, Aria, I'm not sure if she even got a nap. I know that I fell asleep with her yelling in her crib and woke up an hour later to her yelling some more. I didn't go get her though, in hopes that maybe she would eventually fall asleep. Do you ever have days where your child has reached lunacy?

I tried to work everything out perfectly, but it just blew up in my face. Honestly, some afternoons I just want to curl up on the couch with a hot cup of coffee and a good book with the house beautifully quiet with the sound of three sleeping children. Go ahead my fellow moms, laugh. I'm laughing too, except it's more of a deranged laugh.

To be fair, the kids have been so good. (Naps are usually our hardest part of the day. Someone is usually telling me that they are not tired and don't need to nap when clearly, they are and they do.) Levi and Aria are playing together beautifully and this allows me to get things like laundry and dishes done.

I think we are going to take our first trip to the grocery store with the four of us tomorrow. We will see how that goes.


I digress. If you are still reading this post at this point, I am impressed. Thank you.

Lord, what do you want me to blog about?

I love the praise of man too much and I feel sometimes when I post that I am wanting to get more of that praise. "Wow Jody, you are so honest!" or "That's just what I was thinking." or when people tell me they are interested in "hearing my thoughts" it's like something goes off in me (in my flesh) that says, "Oo, am I interesting? Are my thoughts valuable? Do people like me?" I start to think about what I can do to get more people to read my blog or be cooler and then all my blogging dries up like a desert. Poof.

Lord, I want to honor You and glorify You with this. I keep picking it up again and again, seeking my own crowns and man's empty praise.

I give it to You.

Post Pregnancy Body Image

Week two with three kids begins.


I feel like maybe I shouldn't be blogging because things are going so well. I usually only want to blog when things are falling apart and I want to process the whole situation.

Honestly, it's been far easier than I expected.

The nights are long, Simeon is only going to be three weeks on Thursday, so I gotta cut him some slack here.

A big cup of coffee and a nice hot shower help in the morning.
Afternoon naps help too. Although, it's been more challenging with a four year old who is refusing to nap. He needs to nap, but he doesn't want to nap. It's frustrating. For both of us. We're working on it.

People bringing us meals helps too.

But I'm not going to blog about all of that tonight.

I'm going to blog about body image. Please don't look at me funny, I know I had a baby three weeks ago and you can totally roll your eyes at me. I'm going to place this under the fact that I struggled for so many years with my body image and weight and food. Those old thoughts are starting to rear their ugly heads.

So, none of my clothes really fit. My maternity pants ride down because I have the full panel ones and no longer have a ginormous belly to hold them in place. I have some old, out-of-style jeans that kind of fit, but I hate them. Then I have all my other pants that don't. Let's just say that the post pregnancy body is still in recovery.

The temptation is to look in the mirror every day and think angry thoughts.

I hate that feeling of needing to lose weight. I have felt that feeling with utter hopelessness so many times before. It's a place that reminds me of those chains I struggled with for so many years.

So I was sitting down one morning to meet with the Lord. (I have to wake up at 5:30 in order to shower and then have alone time sans children until 7, thankfully they haven't woken up before 7 in a while). I was asking Him just to speak to me about whatever I needed to hear about. In the middle of reading the Word I just had this thought, I wasn't even reading about this but I feel like He just spoke into my heart. "Are you thankful for your body? Did you know that I created your body perfectly?" I started to realize, yes, I am thankful for it. I have born three children, and even been able to nurse them all. I am strong and healthy. I can play on the floor with my kids. I can clean our bathrooms, wash the dishes, do the laundry. God has given me good work to do here on earth and He has blessed me with an able body. It doesn't matter if clothes don't fit quite right sometimes, what matters is that this body serves me and my family well.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was knit together by the God of the universe and His works are good. If I despise this body that He has given me, I am despising His artwork, His creation.

Thank You Lord. Thank You for the good work You have given me to do. Good work of picking up the laundry off the floor, making the bed, dressing little ones and changing diapers. Thank You that I can move and bend over and breathe again. Let me not be distracted from the tasks that You have for me. Let me focus on my kids and not on myself. Let me treat this body You have given me with respect and not hatred. Your works are wonderful, and my soul knows it full well.