God is faithful to sustain me. I'm just gonna start out by saying this fact: He is faithful
I always wanted the Christian life to be cut and dry. These are the exact boundaries to stay in, if I read three chapters of the Bible, pray for 15 minutes, go on a walk, do 15 sit-ups, go on a run, eat the perfect foods in the perfect amounts, then I will be good. A nice little checklist of perfection. I used to make all kinds of checklists. I had this uncanny ability to make impossible checklists. These lists will make me perfect and then I will be okay. I'm not saying there is something inherently wrong with lists, but I was becoming a slave to them.
I was becoming a slave to dieting.
Must stay within these boundaries, must not go outside, if there is a party, the boundaries are thrown out and there will be a new start tomorrow, or Monday...
I'm going to steal an analogy from Gwen Shamblin right now. This was the most revolutionary thing in getting me to think that my struggle with food is a SPIRITUAL struggle, not a physical one. It has physical attributes, but at it's core it is spiritual.
Dieting is slavery. Just like the Israelites in Egypt, it is a slavery to food, I don't like it, can't wait to get out, but always want to go back. It is a human solution. I devise rules for myself that I must obey and I will quit trusting in the God who created me and knows what is best for me, and I will trust in food, I will trust in all the nutrition experts and the world's way of doing things. This way I will be in control of my own destiny... except that I hate it. I mean, I might like it for a while, that feeling of being in control and eating healthy, yes, it does those things... but, in my own life, when I am "dieting" I am not depending on God.
Lord, help me, I'm weak in this, I don't want to throw people off into no man's land, I pray that You would lead and guide.
Last night I wanted ice cream. I thought, I don't need ice cream, my jeans are getting a little tight. But I WANTED ice cream. I thought, I'm nursing, it's not a big deal. But somewhere in there I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me that I would be okay without ice cream. That still, small voice that leads so perfectly was quietly saying, no Jody, you are going to be fine without it. And I listened. I was fine without it. And then Ben had some and told me how good it was. I wish I could tell you this amazing story of how I resisted temptation, I didn't fall ... all that stuff. But, I had some. And honestly, I wish that I had not. I sort of spent the rest of the night piddling around on Facebook, wasting precious time, looking at pictures of people I didn't even know, sort of just falling into it. As I went to bed I felt my stomach sort of churning and again, wished I hadn't. I'm not going to have regrets or shame over this, I don't think it will cause me to gain 5 pounds, BUT I do want to learn from this experience. That's why I'm blogging about it today.
Tonight, when the Holy Spirit prompts me, I want to just pray. I might even ask Ben to hold me accountable not to eat whatever it is. I want to stay away from piddling on Facebook and maybe clean something, read a book, paint a picture... I want to not look at what others are doing around me and wish I could be like them (it was totally fine for Ben to partake, I DO NOT need to compare myself with him) I need to listen to God in my life.
Lord, help me to walk with You today. Show me Your ways. Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.