Freedom from Sexual Addiction part 5

A word to wives.

I recently talked to a friend who's husband was looking at pornography. I've had some Facebook messages about marriages dealing with stuff like this too. I know it is not uncommon. Ben and I have had the divine opportunity to minister to a couple where the husband was coming out of it. I remember the pain on her face as we talked about it. It's pretty much like he's having an affair. Actually, it is that he is having an affair. Christ said that if a man looks upon a woman lustfully that he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Whoa. That's a tall order Jesus, are you sure about that one? Nobody really got hurt when it was all just in my mind. Wrong. Let's just make it clear that if a woman grabs a man's attention with the way she is wearing her skirt or her shirt and he struggles and frees himself from thinking about sexual thoughts, this is not a sin. But it is when he looks at her with his heart full of lust. That is a sin. He has just messed his own mind up. I know what that is like because I have been there, done that. Messed up my head and even just a few days ago was struggling with images I had put before my eyes years ago. Are you kidding me?

Okay, so I wanted to give a word to wives. Let me just say that if you feel like you can't measure up to the women on the computer then you are dead wrong. You far surpass them. Let's just say to start out with: this man CHOSE you. He ASKED you to MARRY him. You are always going to far surpass any woman on a computer. He can actually hold you and enjoy you before and afterward. When he gets off the computer he feels dirty. But when he has been with you, he feels pure, complete, whole, like a man. But that is IF (big if) he has been affirmed by you. If you have not torn him down with your words all day long, if you didn't say, "okay, fine, if you want to I guess I can" ... if there is one thing I have learned from Ben it's that my words can make or break him. A wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands a foolish woman tears hers down. Let me just tell you, I can tear down my house in a heartbeat. I know exactly what things to say.

If your husband has been engaging in this type of thing (or husbands, if your wives have) things will not be right until they confess and repent of this behavior. My advice is not to try to catch them in their sin, but to love them harder. Confess your own sin, let them know that you are weak too and in need of forgiveness. Pray that the Holy Spirit would convict them of sin. (The Holy Spirit does the BEST job of conviction hands-down, all the time). Then, when they confess respond in love. When I confessed to Ben he didn't bat an eye in anger. His heart was saddened, he felt betrayed, yes, but he responded in love and wanting to help me. Ben helped me the most by putting up filters and accountability and by learning what my needs were in that area that he could meet and fulfill.

Wives, a way to help him is to be an oasis for him. Engage him on a regular basis. Be ready and willing. Pursue him even. If you feel him drifting, pursue him more. If he is beaten down at work, pursue him more. Be a sexual oasis for him.

That's all I'm gonna say. :)

Sleep Stuff

I'm tired today. Very very tired.

Levi is napping and the dishwasher is going. I'm sitting on the couch wondering why I am so tired. Then I remember that I stink at sleeping. (yes, I said stink, I'm a mom and I am now realizing I need to clean up my language).

When Ben and I were dating three years ago I couldn't figure out why I was so tired all the time. I had my thyroid tested (surely it was that, I was overweight, it must be that) nope. I wondered what was wrong with me when my doctor suggested I have a sleep study done. Praise the Lord I had wonderful Starbucks insurance at the time. So I went to the clinic, got all hooked up on all the little wires and things, and they put me to bed. The doctor came in the next morning and asked me how I slept. Pretty good I thought, I didn't remember waking up at all, so that was good, usually I have to wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. His reply was, no you didn't. Your brain waves spiked 120 times before you finally got into your REM cycle, every two minutes. So for about four hours I would not get into my REM cycle.... no wonder! He said that's actually pretty common among young women because of the worry and stress in their lives. Yeah, that's true, I was planning a wedding at the time, moving into an apartment, working odd hours at my job, playing shows late into the night, dating the man of my dreams... So he prescribed Ambien. I've been taking a generic for that for the past 3 years or so. I didn't take it as much when I was pregnant with Levi, they said it doesn't hurt pregnant women. ... Anyways, I am wanting to go off of it. I love it because I have no trouble falling asleep at night when I take it. Also, I've noticed it has this effect that as it starts to kick in I am just happy. I laugh as I write this, because I have said some really goofy things to Ben just before we fall asleep and I completely cannot remember them the next day.

All that to say, I want to be healed of this. I want for this to be something I don't have to struggle with. Ben doesn't struggle with this. His head hits the pillow and he's out in 5 minutes. Me? I can be lying there for an hour and still be trying to go to sleep. I recite scripture, songs run through my head, conversations run through my head, I pray, I think. I just want to shut my brain off. Where is the off switch on the brain? Could somebody tell me please? I have often considered staying up all night, but then I'm exhausted the next day, then I can't have a decent quiet time with the Lord and I'm literally falling asleep while trying to pray or read the Word. When I don't get enough sleep not even coffee helps. If I could I would go to bed every night at 9 and wake up at 5 and have a two hour time with the Lord (that's not to say anything about my character, I am not a good person, but that is to say how GOOD it is to be with God, how much I enjoy it, just to sit in my corner of the couch with my coffee, journal and Bible and listen and talk to God.)

I was talking about my mind wandering. Drat, I didn't want to say something about this, but I'm going to because if there is someone else who deals with this, then they can relate. This is going back to my healing in the area of sexual addiction. This is when temptation will be the heaviest. At night time when no one else is watching. My mind is going crazy and sometimes I just want one thing to consume it. Sexual thoughts will consume my mind. That's when I can lock my mind on one thing (I'm not saying this is good AT ALL) and not have to think about anything else. No other conversations, not if I cleaned the bathroom or not, I don't have to think about if I got this or that done at work, I can just think about that one thing... and often times I would go to sleep after that. Weird right? I don't know if it was the Lord who would just put me to sleep because my mind was going somewhere it shouldn't or if the enemy was keeping me up so that I would think about these things.

I want to be a normal person and go to sleep when I should. In this life there will be trouble and hardship, we are not guaranteed an easy life. I ask for healing but I'm not sure if God wants to heal me of this. That is up to Him. I will just continue to ask and pray.

Reasons why I don't watch Glee and certain other programs...

I don't want to be legalistic. We are saved by grace, not what we do.

"Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become and stumbling block to the weak. For it anyone with a weak conscience sees you who have this knowledge eating in an idol's temple, won't he be emboldened to eat what has been sacrificed to idols?So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way you wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. Therefore, if what I eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall."
1 Corinthians 8:9-13

I am the weaker brother. And I'm okay with that.

I feel like we live in a pornographic culture. We live in an immoral culture on other fronts as well, but I'm not talking about those right now. I'm just going to call it like I see it and we are surrounded by it. We don't even really notice it. Our movies and advertising are full of it, it's all over the place, in our television shows, in our music...

So as I was driving the other day they were talking about Glee. I would LOVE to watch Glee. I love high school choir stuff, singing, they are amazing musicians, all that stuff. I have seen one episode of Glee. Sadly, I will never watch it again. The sexual content of Glee is not a healthy place for my mind to be. I am the weaker brother and I have to flee from stuff like this.

I hate having to tiptoe around our culture, but I hate even more watching something and slowly trying to dismiss little innuendos, avert my eyes from certain things, rip my mind away (the biggest battlefield). On this same tangent I am going to now go off, so please excuse me.

Every week I see girls who are facing an unplanned pregnancy who are sexually active. When I suggest that they remain abstinent outside of marriage they look at me like I have two heads. What they often don't realize is that sex is not a requirement to get to know someone. Actually, it's a hindrance. If two people "work in bed" that does not mean, well, anything really. We are all sexual beings and we can all get pleasure from sex. What we are missing is the deeper emotional, spiritual, relational element that is VITAL to a good relationship. Good sex follows health in those areas. Television programs and movies follow the opposite of this. These days almost none of the love stories move me anymore. If a couple sleeps together before marriage and actual commitment in a movie they have LOST me altogether. I'm totally serious. Some of you are looking at me like I'm a prude right now or that I'm legalistic or even unrealistic and I say, the culture is the one being unrealistic and we have accepted it lock stock and barrel.

Can you feel my anger burning off the page? This is a passion of mine. Not only because of my own sin that I have fallen into and struggled through as though walking through hell, but also because of the messed up lives I have seen.

I heard once that in the show Friends, Jennifer Anniston's character, Rachel, sleeps with (I think) a total of 38 guys. I wonder which sexually transmitted diseases she experienced or passed on? Out of all these guys she just happened to have one unplanned pregnancy with her long-time love interest, how convenient? I see girls who are with the same guy for years and go out and sleep with another guy and happen to get pregnant with him. I'm not saying ANY of this was right, but it is drastically different than what Hollywood has spoon-fed us. Do I sound angry? Good, because I am.

I do not like to take this stand. I love TV, I could watch TV all day long (and have) if I could. My sister and I memorized the first four seasons of the Office. I loved it. I loved watching The Hills and The City but then realized what a self-centered attitude they influenced me with, just different little things that made me realize that there are better things to be done with my time that would have a greater impact on eternity.

I'm not trying to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't watch, I just want you to think about what you are putting into your mind. If you keep struggling with this one sin, this one thing, I would strongly encourage you to begin looking critically at what you take in.

Freedom from Sexual Addiction part 4

I come with empty hands.

Sometimes I enjoy posting on my blog, sometimes I come with what feels like nothing to say. Right now I feel like the latter. :)

Jesus, I pray that you would speak to me. Speak through me if you will.

I don't like to share stuff like this, but I do it because I feel it is necessary. I feel like I should have entitled this "Healing from Sexual Addiction" because it's like a wound with a scab that is slowly taking over. Sometimes that scab gets picked off, yes I pick scabs, sometimes it gets torn open. I was thinking about my friend who has been through some traumatic times and what in the world can heal her? Drugs can temporarily take away the pain, so can alcohol. Sex and pornography can distract from the pain, but in the end it always comes back. The only thing that can truly heal us is the Lord. Jesus told the lame man to get up and walk, he healed us physically but more importantly, he can heal us spiritually and emotionally. Those deep, deep scars cannot be removed by modern psychology, they can only be removed by the Word and prayer and fellowship with the Lord.

Sorry, that was my tangent before I shared all this. Ben and I were newly married and enjoying it so much. He went to work everyday, I was working part-time at Starbucks, leading worship part time at a church downtown, and doing music gigs around town when I could. My schedule was sporadic and I would have odd hours at home alone. I would often use Ben's computer to watch television shows. One of my favorites was Desperate Housewives and I also discovered a show called Love Money. Both have tons of sex, selfishness, attitudes, everything, you name it. That's why they are such delicious shows. I was also taking birth control pills which made me slightly crazy (as I discussed in this post). All of this was like a perfect cocktail for a gateway for me. I struggled with thinking just evil thoughts. It was interesting though because I kept it separate from my relationship with Ben. I wasn't completely honest about what I had been thinking about, the shows I had been watching, it was like in some way I was living two separate lives. The secret life, however, is difficult to keep secret. My attitude and anger eventually bled over into my relationship with Ben. My addiction literally blocked my ability to love him the way I should.

It all came out eventually and I made a covenant with Ben that I would not watch shows like that any more. I realized that he was more important than all of that stuff. So I was able to stay pure for a time.

Okay, and then I got pregnant. I'm not going to blame stuff on the pregnancy because my own sinful heart was heavily involved. Again, I would like to say that this stuff creeps up. It doesn't just happen all at once, but slowly it creeps into your life and then you have to keep going back to it. With pregnancy I discovered other hormones and drives. Can I just say here that I feel like now I know an inkling of what guys go through? As far as the drive to just want sex? I'm not saying every pregnant woman is this way, but there was a drive inside of me. If I had been right I would have gone to Ben with this, but instead I was drawn to satan's ways and perversion. After a time of stumbling, confessing, stumbling, confessing, attempting to repent (I say "attempting to" because I was not successful for very long), and stumbling again, praying, crying out to the Lord and asking for wisdom I kept coming back to fleeing from temptation. We finally decided to pay good money for a really good filter on my computer. Can I just say that it was worth every penny? The accountability for the times when I was alone, worth every bit. God gives us strength to flee, but we still have to FLEE from temptation. In this, I am glad that I am not technologically savvy, I don't know how to get around filters very well and that is a GOOD thing. :) I am also determined never to live outside of community. Living with Ben's parents and brother and sister in law and their kids were SO GOOD for me at different times. They were a help to me in this struggle. Can I say that if you are struggling with a sin like this, a private, personal sin, it is good to live with a roommate, a family who is open and honest? I had only confessed it to Ben, but it was good to just be around other believers. It was more of a struggle when we moved into our own house.

Okay, another reason why I am thankful the Lord gave me a child, Levi has redeemed me in this area as well. His life has given me an even stronger desire to stay far away from this sin. Also, taking care of him has distracted me so much from myself and my sin that I don't have time or energy to engage in such things. Can I just say that the Lord has used Levi and his birth in tremendous ways in my life? Not only in the redemption of my physical body, in my own healing and freedom from sexual addiction.

I knew that having Levi and being home a lot would be a struggle, that I would probably struggle with postpartum depression, and so I decided before Levi was born that I would not watch any television, that I would only listen to Christian podcasts, radio, music all that stuff. Sounds like I'm a weirdo doesn't it? But I did not struggle with postpartum depression and I think it was because I made a conscious decision beforehand to set my mind on things above. I will tell you, it was some of the sweetest times in my life. Yes, I was tired but I don't regret a second of it. I listened to a lot of Revive Our Hearts, Family Life Today, Nuclearity (which is an AMAZING podcast, I am sad it's not being created anymore, but I highly encourage anyone to go download all 29 of them and you will love them), and Focus on the Family. I listened to a lot of Pandora Radio with Christy Nockels, Keith and Kristyn Getty, Sara Groves, Jill Phillips and Andrew Peterson. It was a pure, good time. I would liken it a lot with the time I had mono in 11th grade and just had amazing times of personal worship. I talked about it in this post.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement. If you would like to talk more about this subject with me feel free to email me or leave a comment or send me a Facebook message. This or any other subject I have talked about.