Freedom from Sexual Addiction part 5

A word to wives.

I recently talked to a friend who's husband was looking at pornography. I've had some Facebook messages about marriages dealing with stuff like this too. I know it is not uncommon. Ben and I have had the divine opportunity to minister to a couple where the husband was coming out of it. I remember the pain on her face as we talked about it. It's pretty much like he's having an affair. Actually, it is that he is having an affair. Christ said that if a man looks upon a woman lustfully that he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Whoa. That's a tall order Jesus, are you sure about that one? Nobody really got hurt when it was all just in my mind. Wrong. Let's just make it clear that if a woman grabs a man's attention with the way she is wearing her skirt or her shirt and he struggles and frees himself from thinking about sexual thoughts, this is not a sin. But it is when he looks at her with his heart full of lust. That is a sin. He has just messed his own mind up. I know what that is like because I have been there, done that. Messed up my head and even just a few days ago was struggling with images I had put before my eyes years ago. Are you kidding me?

Okay, so I wanted to give a word to wives. Let me just say that if you feel like you can't measure up to the women on the computer then you are dead wrong. You far surpass them. Let's just say to start out with: this man CHOSE you. He ASKED you to MARRY him. You are always going to far surpass any woman on a computer. He can actually hold you and enjoy you before and afterward. When he gets off the computer he feels dirty. But when he has been with you, he feels pure, complete, whole, like a man. But that is IF (big if) he has been affirmed by you. If you have not torn him down with your words all day long, if you didn't say, "okay, fine, if you want to I guess I can" ... if there is one thing I have learned from Ben it's that my words can make or break him. A wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands a foolish woman tears hers down. Let me just tell you, I can tear down my house in a heartbeat. I know exactly what things to say.

If your husband has been engaging in this type of thing (or husbands, if your wives have) things will not be right until they confess and repent of this behavior. My advice is not to try to catch them in their sin, but to love them harder. Confess your own sin, let them know that you are weak too and in need of forgiveness. Pray that the Holy Spirit would convict them of sin. (The Holy Spirit does the BEST job of conviction hands-down, all the time). Then, when they confess respond in love. When I confessed to Ben he didn't bat an eye in anger. His heart was saddened, he felt betrayed, yes, but he responded in love and wanting to help me. Ben helped me the most by putting up filters and accountability and by learning what my needs were in that area that he could meet and fulfill.

Wives, a way to help him is to be an oasis for him. Engage him on a regular basis. Be ready and willing. Pursue him even. If you feel him drifting, pursue him more. If he is beaten down at work, pursue him more. Be a sexual oasis for him.

That's all I'm gonna say. :)

Freedom from Sexual Addiction part 4

I come with empty hands.

Sometimes I enjoy posting on my blog, sometimes I come with what feels like nothing to say. Right now I feel like the latter. :)

Jesus, I pray that you would speak to me. Speak through me if you will.

I don't like to share stuff like this, but I do it because I feel it is necessary. I feel like I should have entitled this "Healing from Sexual Addiction" because it's like a wound with a scab that is slowly taking over. Sometimes that scab gets picked off, yes I pick scabs, sometimes it gets torn open. I was thinking about my friend who has been through some traumatic times and what in the world can heal her? Drugs can temporarily take away the pain, so can alcohol. Sex and pornography can distract from the pain, but in the end it always comes back. The only thing that can truly heal us is the Lord. Jesus told the lame man to get up and walk, he healed us physically but more importantly, he can heal us spiritually and emotionally. Those deep, deep scars cannot be removed by modern psychology, they can only be removed by the Word and prayer and fellowship with the Lord.

Sorry, that was my tangent before I shared all this. Ben and I were newly married and enjoying it so much. He went to work everyday, I was working part-time at Starbucks, leading worship part time at a church downtown, and doing music gigs around town when I could. My schedule was sporadic and I would have odd hours at home alone. I would often use Ben's computer to watch television shows. One of my favorites was Desperate Housewives and I also discovered a show called Love Money. Both have tons of sex, selfishness, attitudes, everything, you name it. That's why they are such delicious shows. I was also taking birth control pills which made me slightly crazy (as I discussed in this post). All of this was like a perfect cocktail for a gateway for me. I struggled with thinking just evil thoughts. It was interesting though because I kept it separate from my relationship with Ben. I wasn't completely honest about what I had been thinking about, the shows I had been watching, it was like in some way I was living two separate lives. The secret life, however, is difficult to keep secret. My attitude and anger eventually bled over into my relationship with Ben. My addiction literally blocked my ability to love him the way I should.

It all came out eventually and I made a covenant with Ben that I would not watch shows like that any more. I realized that he was more important than all of that stuff. So I was able to stay pure for a time.

Okay, and then I got pregnant. I'm not going to blame stuff on the pregnancy because my own sinful heart was heavily involved. Again, I would like to say that this stuff creeps up. It doesn't just happen all at once, but slowly it creeps into your life and then you have to keep going back to it. With pregnancy I discovered other hormones and drives. Can I just say here that I feel like now I know an inkling of what guys go through? As far as the drive to just want sex? I'm not saying every pregnant woman is this way, but there was a drive inside of me. If I had been right I would have gone to Ben with this, but instead I was drawn to satan's ways and perversion. After a time of stumbling, confessing, stumbling, confessing, attempting to repent (I say "attempting to" because I was not successful for very long), and stumbling again, praying, crying out to the Lord and asking for wisdom I kept coming back to fleeing from temptation. We finally decided to pay good money for a really good filter on my computer. Can I just say that it was worth every penny? The accountability for the times when I was alone, worth every bit. God gives us strength to flee, but we still have to FLEE from temptation. In this, I am glad that I am not technologically savvy, I don't know how to get around filters very well and that is a GOOD thing. :) I am also determined never to live outside of community. Living with Ben's parents and brother and sister in law and their kids were SO GOOD for me at different times. They were a help to me in this struggle. Can I say that if you are struggling with a sin like this, a private, personal sin, it is good to live with a roommate, a family who is open and honest? I had only confessed it to Ben, but it was good to just be around other believers. It was more of a struggle when we moved into our own house.

Okay, another reason why I am thankful the Lord gave me a child, Levi has redeemed me in this area as well. His life has given me an even stronger desire to stay far away from this sin. Also, taking care of him has distracted me so much from myself and my sin that I don't have time or energy to engage in such things. Can I just say that the Lord has used Levi and his birth in tremendous ways in my life? Not only in the redemption of my physical body, in my own healing and freedom from sexual addiction.

I knew that having Levi and being home a lot would be a struggle, that I would probably struggle with postpartum depression, and so I decided before Levi was born that I would not watch any television, that I would only listen to Christian podcasts, radio, music all that stuff. Sounds like I'm a weirdo doesn't it? But I did not struggle with postpartum depression and I think it was because I made a conscious decision beforehand to set my mind on things above. I will tell you, it was some of the sweetest times in my life. Yes, I was tired but I don't regret a second of it. I listened to a lot of Revive Our Hearts, Family Life Today, Nuclearity (which is an AMAZING podcast, I am sad it's not being created anymore, but I highly encourage anyone to go download all 29 of them and you will love them), and Focus on the Family. I listened to a lot of Pandora Radio with Christy Nockels, Keith and Kristyn Getty, Sara Groves, Jill Phillips and Andrew Peterson. It was a pure, good time. I would liken it a lot with the time I had mono in 11th grade and just had amazing times of personal worship. I talked about it in this post.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement. If you would like to talk more about this subject with me feel free to email me or leave a comment or send me a Facebook message. This or any other subject I have talked about.

The Redemption of My Physical Body: part seven

I kind of love rabbit trails. You are talking about one thing and then go around and around and maybe, finally get back to your point. I learned in a personality test in high school that I have an abstract/random way of thinking. It often takes me a while to process things and make a decision. As you can see, I'm on part seven of my story and still haven't gotten to the main point, but maybe you've enjoyed the journey as I have.

To be honest, I used to hate people like me. People who had lost a lot of weight, people who didn't seem to be drawn to food... I think it was because I was so helpless in my state. ... I'll say that with a reservation because I'll be the first to admit that I'm not totally there yet. I struggled with overeating just this afternoon. But I will say that the pull is not nearly as it was years ago.

My junior and senior year I lived in an apartment with three other girls whom I love. I absolutely LOVED living with them. They were all extremely (and I mean extreme in the strongest sense) different. They were girls I didn't expect to be friends with, but God, in His goodness allowed it to happen. I will say that we had our struggles, but I always look back at the good times we had together ... things like Ashleigh's birthday and the cake that we made for her and the princess table cloth that stayed on our wall for most of the year, the cat we named Cosby who thought he was a dog, the way we all spelled our names with an "eigh" at the end and wrote notes to each other on our refrigerator... okay, thanks for letting me travel down memory lane :).

I struggled a lot then with eating. I think living in an apartment made me feel like I could hide it better. I didn't have a set meal-time, didn't have a group of friends I ate with at the cafeteria, so I often ended up winging it. I ate many Ben and Jerry's pints (yes, whole pints) of ice cream for dinner on many occasions. Some people say they have a certain "drug of choice" I would say that was it for me. Going to the C-store on campus, getting that and whatever else struck me. Snack foods mainly. I could eat a whole bag of chips in one sitting, just a whole lot of anything. I worked out almost every day (about an hour or two on the elliptical) and I think that slowed my weight gain.

My junior year I ran a half-marathon with my friend, Alyssa. She was so gracious in all of that. I don't remember any significant weight gain or loss during this time, but I do remember realizing that my body COULD do that. It wasn't the actual half-marathon that was so great, it was the training and leading up to it that was amazing.

After the half marathon I got back on my cycle of binge eating and exercising.

I decided to fast for a few weeks before school let out for summer. There are times when I can twist something that is supposed to be holy and good and make it into a thing about me. So I started to exercise while doing this fast, I think I was drinking juice too or something. I lost some weight pretty quickly, but then my pride shot up and as soon as I went off the fast I went right back to my old ways. Again, I was trying to do things in my own strength.

I was talking about lily pads earlier. I feel like in this time I was on a lily pad of getting a healthy view of food. Learning to feed myself, not even trying to lose weight, but learning to communicate with my body. I had cut off those lines of communication and NOT listened to my body for so long, it took a while for me to reopen those lines. I feel like it took all of college to learn this. I'm praising God for His gentleness with me. He is slow to anger and abounding in love.

Healing takes time. I'm a person who likes microwaves, not so much on the crock pot. I feel like weight/overeating is a slow process. It needs to be a slow process, that's how our bodies were made. I was always looking for that thing that would help me lose 10 pounds fast, then just multiply it by 5 and we get: ... failure. There are no shortcuts, no quick roads.