I am breaking a cardinal rule in my mind. You all are going to think I am crazy and legalistic and the truth is... I am. Geez, I hate it when I have to admit that. I'm supposed to be perfect, my life is supposed to be perfect and all my sin is behind me right? If only. Oh yeah, my sin is getting on my computer before "completing" my "quiet time" ... Other cardinal sins are not having a quiet time, another rule I set up for myself was reading straight through the Bible and it was working so well and so swimmingly until I got to all the laws and regulations at the end of Exodus and then I got to Leviticus and it fell apart. So I am breaking another one of my man-made rules and skipping over to John.
Honestly, I'm really weak right now. Not just in my own man-made rules but just in my walk with the Lord. I remember thinking yesterday as I was helping lead worship, "What in the world am I doing up here? I have not been spending time in the Word and prayer, I'm such a fake, I have been resenting my Bible study time and I can't wait to go do this instead. I have been walking straight into sin." I've been really selfish lately. Been holding grudges and just keeping Ben at an arms length. I've been just thinking about me and what I want and if I do anything nice for other people it's only because of what I can get out of it.
So what is the root of all of this? I've been dealing with this for several weeks now. It's been at the back and I haven't wanted to think about it, but this morning I realized it was pride. Pride in the fact that I could do this Christian walk thing by myself and set up all my little rules and regulations and I didn't need the Holy Spirit to lead me. Pride to think that I have my rights when it comes to other people and what they can do for me. Pride to think that I am in control. Pride that says I am "worthy" or "unworthy" to get up and lead others into worship by myself and that God can't use a broken vessel.
I am shocked to think that my attitudes and actions have been exactly like the Pharisees in Jesus' Day. The Pharisees were the religious leaders of the Jews. They were supposed to be holy men who knew the scriptures and would lead the worship and teach others about the laws and the beauty of God. But pride had gotten in the way. They set up all these side regulations to "help" keep God's laws. (Hmmmm, this sounds familiar). When Jesus came he had the MOST judgment for this group of people. He had the harshest things for them. Why? Because pride had built up and corrupted their hearts. Pride is the number one thing that keeps us from God. If we think that we can do anything on our own we are dead wrong. We are all sinners and have fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) and our righteousness is as filthy rags before the Lord (Isaiah 64:6).
Lord, soften my heart. Humble my heart. Let me walk in humility with You. Please hold my hand as I learn this way of living that is so counter my nature. Help me Lord, I am in desperate need of you.