Monday, March 17, 2014

Struggles with Food

Dear blog,

I have missed you. Have you missed me? I hope so. I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I will try to get better.

Yours truly (I've always wanted to sign my name like that)


I've been doing a lot of stuff lately. Painting our hallway. Learning how to make yogurt here and I love it. Doing a lot of laundry. Taking care of three little kids. It's overwhelming. And I love it.

I've been wanting to blog about so many things. Body image and how I don't want to hate my body anymore. Struggles with eating and food. My tips for breastfeeding (I like to think I'm an expert or something, this blog humors me). The music I've been listening to. The stuff God is teaching me. The list goes on and on and on…

Lord, what do you want me to write about? (Can you tell I don't plan these things? I just feel the itch to sit down and write with my computer).

I've been in a rebellious mood lately. I've wanted to eat the entire house's worth of chocolate, sweets, candy… the bad thing about knowing how to cook is that you don't need stuff ready made, you can make it if you want it. And then hide it so that your kids and husband can't find it. And then share it … if you feel like it. Jesus help me, I am a sinner.

The other day I sent out some flare prayer text messages to some friends, just asking them to pray for me because I was about to gain 20 pounds within a week if I didn't stop. Seriously, it felt that bad. Ben was gone a lot and I was tired and had a million excuses. The next day I found a book on my doorstep (with some pretty yellow flowers) called Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst  and I was like, "Really? Crud, I don't want to read this." Seriously. Sorry Amber, I'm just in a rebellious state right now. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Have you ever felt that way? Like you were some stupid teenager and everything that came across your path you just wanted to roll your eyes at and be like, "Seriously? I'm too old and mature for this?" (Like a punk, I was a punk, you can ask my parents).

But I decided to pick it up and it took me out to the woodshed. (Can I say that?) I guess that's what punk teenagers need sometimes. They need to be shown that they do not know everything in the world. I needed that.

I think sometimes that since I wrote an entire series about the redemption of my physical body and since I've lost 50 pounds TWICE already that I know all this stuff and it's no big deal. But really, I don't know nothin'.

She asked: Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God? 


The next paragraph got me.

"I had to get honest enough to admit it: I relied on food more than I relied on God. I craved food more than I craved God. Food was my comfort. Food was my reward. Food was my joy. Food was what I turned to in times of stress, sadness and even in times of happiness."

I've been asking the Lord to reveal the idols in my life. I think this would classify itself as an idol.

Lord, help me.

I need You to tear down the idols in my life and show me how to simply rely on You. How to truly love You and crave Your Word and spending time with You. My cravings for food leave me empty when I fill them. You fill me completely and utterly. Please fill me.

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