It is always my goal to be completely open and honest on this blog.
It's my goal to be honest in my whole life. It just feels better that way, to be known, not to have to hide anything or think, wait, should I really be talking about this right now? Often it simply results in someone else saying, I have that exact same problem/sin/difficulty and I thought I was the only one.
No one is.
I remember sitting in small groups in high school and college and thinking I was the only one struggling with something. I struggled a lot to have good relationships in those times but I think I just didn't know how to do it. I was fearful much of the time.
Anyways, most recently I've been struggling in the area of food. I've decided not to struggle with my weight, I just had a baby not long ago and it's okay to need to lose a few pounds. Any of you women who lost all their pregnancy weight within their first six weeks… don't even talk to me right now. Don't do it, I will stare you down coldly in my mind while nodding and smiling. I digress…
My struggle with food has gone like this. All day I eat healthy and well. I don't overeat too bad, I allow myself to experience hunger, I eat a few salads, I also eat fats and carbs and proteins … it's going great. Then comes dinner. I allow myself to get pretty hungry and I clean my plate because it is just delicious, okay people? So good. I eat so fast and I don't experience complete satisfaction at the end of the meal. Then I go to the freezer, pantry, fridge for whatever else I can fit into my mouth and belly. It's not that I just want a cookie or a little bit of ice cream, it's that I want the whole cookie recipe or the whole stinking container of ice cream.
This desire proceeds until about 9 pm.
Two things usually happen. I do my best to ignore the voices in my head that are violently telling me to eat my heart out and then the 9 o clock hour rolls around and I feel 'successful' OR I eat whatever I can (usually behind Ben's back because that's how my sin nature rolls, I'm good at sneaking this stuff) and the 9 o clock hour rolls around and I hate myself. I literally, truly hate my own guts. I beat myself up and tell myself never to eat like that again, that was stupid and dumb and what an idiot I am.
This has been going on for several weeks now. I'm not actually sure about the time period, but it feels that way.
What's interesting is that I haven't really been aware of this whole battle. I just knew I had either good nights or bad nights.
Finally, the other day I realized it and I told it to Ben.
This is kind of how the conversation went:
"Ben, have you ever just wanted to eat everything in sight?"
"Maybe when I was really hungry to something."
"No, like really, even when you weren't hungry?"
"Well, I have realized that every evening after dinner it's like there's this … um … overeating monster … um … voices inside my head and I just have this desire that if I just eat as much sweets and things as I can then I will be happy. Rationally, I know this is not true, in fact, it's much better if I don't eat tons of food because then I will sleep better and not have a stomach ache when I go to bed. But still, it's like these crazy little voices that come on at 6 and don't turn off until 9. Isn't that weird?"
"That's weird. Wow. "
Once I openly acknowledged and admitted that to Ben things got a lot better. It was like, instead of going into a battle each evening dressed like I was going to a dinner party, I was dressing my mind more like I was going into a battle. I was ready for action. Bring on the crazy little voices who tell me to do stupid things… I'm ready for them and their rationalizations that never cease to amaze. Like "You deserve this" "You are nursing" "No one will know" "Who cares?" "This will feel good" and the list goes on and on.
The truth is that I don't need to eat anything after dinner. Dinner was sufficient, I don't need to eat a batch of cookies. If I eat unhealthy things they won't make me happier. Even if I eat healthy things in unhealthy amounts, my body will still not like it. The truth is that I only need satisfaction in the Lord.
Two things that have helped in the evenings are: not being left alone in the evenings as well as avoiding sweets in the evenings as well. Sometimes (not always) I don't even need to taste it.
Lord, I pray that You would be my portion forever and ever.