I kind of love rabbit trails. You are talking about one thing and then go around and around and maybe, finally get back to your point. I learned in a personality test in high school that I have an abstract/random way of thinking. It often takes me a while to process things and make a decision. As you can see, I'm on part seven of my story and still haven't gotten to the main point, but maybe you've enjoyed the journey as I have.
To be honest, I used to hate people like me. People who had lost a lot of weight, people who didn't seem to be drawn to food... I think it was because I was so helpless in my state. ... I'll say that with a reservation because I'll be the first to admit that I'm not totally there yet. I struggled with overeating just this afternoon. But I will say that the pull is not nearly as it was years ago.
My junior and senior year I lived in an apartment with three other girls whom I love. I absolutely LOVED living with them. They were all extremely (and I mean extreme in the strongest sense) different. They were girls I didn't expect to be friends with, but God, in His goodness allowed it to happen. I will say that we had our struggles, but I always look back at the good times we had together ... things like Ashleigh's birthday and the cake that we made for her and the princess table cloth that stayed on our wall for most of the year, the cat we named Cosby who thought he was a dog, the way we all spelled our names with an "eigh" at the end and wrote notes to each other on our refrigerator... okay, thanks for letting me travel down memory lane :).
I struggled a lot then with eating. I think living in an apartment made me feel like I could hide it better. I didn't have a set meal-time, didn't have a group of friends I ate with at the cafeteria, so I often ended up winging it. I ate many Ben and Jerry's pints (yes, whole pints) of ice cream for dinner on many occasions. Some people say they have a certain "drug of choice" I would say that was it for me. Going to the C-store on campus, getting that and whatever else struck me. Snack foods mainly. I could eat a whole bag of chips in one sitting, just a whole lot of anything. I worked out almost every day (about an hour or two on the elliptical) and I think that slowed my weight gain.
My junior year I ran a half-marathon with my friend, Alyssa. She was so gracious in all of that. I don't remember any significant weight gain or loss during this time, but I do remember realizing that my body COULD do that. It wasn't the actual half-marathon that was so great, it was the training and leading up to it that was amazing.
After the half marathon I got back on my cycle of binge eating and exercising.
I decided to fast for a few weeks before school let out for summer. There are times when I can twist something that is supposed to be holy and good and make it into a thing about me. So I started to exercise while doing this fast, I think I was drinking juice too or something. I lost some weight pretty quickly, but then my pride shot up and as soon as I went off the fast I went right back to my old ways. Again, I was trying to do things in my own strength.
I was talking about lily pads earlier. I feel like in this time I was on a lily pad of getting a healthy view of food. Learning to feed myself, not even trying to lose weight, but learning to communicate with my body. I had cut off those lines of communication and NOT listened to my body for so long, it took a while for me to reopen those lines. I feel like it took all of college to learn this. I'm praising God for His gentleness with me. He is slow to anger and abounding in love.
Healing takes time. I'm a person who likes microwaves, not so much on the crock pot. I feel like weight/overeating is a slow process. It needs to be a slow process, that's how our bodies were made. I was always looking for that thing that would help me lose 10 pounds fast, then just multiply it by 5 and we get: ... failure. There are no shortcuts, no quick roads.