I hate it when I sit down to blog and then think, "Now what was it that I was going to blog about?" It was genius in the moment and I was so pumped and now it's completely gone from my mind. It's like walking into a room and forgetting why you are there in the first place. I kid you not, this happens to me no less than fifteen times a day. My kids must think mommy is a psycho, I'm just wandering around the house for most of the day trying to remember why I'm here.
Please excuse me, I don't sleep much these days.
Oh DST, I'm so glad we are springing forward. I love the late-setting sun.
Dear Jen Hatmaker,
I can't wait to finish 7 so that I can read it again. Or maybe try to find someone who will loan me Interrupted. (I'm cheap and I don't buy things.) Honestly, I hated your intro to the book, I was annoyed, but then once we got into it I was hooked. Line and sinker. I wish I was your best friend, but now I can't since I dissed your intro. Thank you for challenging me and messing with me. I really appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Jody
I'm stalling okay? I still cannot get around what I was going to blog about.
Oh yeah, weight loss. Isn't that like half my blog anyways? I'm tired of it. Lord, why am I always going back to this stupid journey?
I finally caved and got some cheap, on sale jeans at Kohl's the other day. I kinda sorta like them. They will get me by.
I don't even know. Honestly, it seems like whenever I start to focus on my weight and my body that things just get worse. It's like when you pop a pimple instead of letting it take it's course, it just hangs on for that much longer.
This morning I almost wrote in my journal, "Lord, please help me lose weight." This was my prayer for years and years in college. I figured I could at least ask. Jesus tells us to ask. We can ask for anything and He will give it to us if it's in His will. Honestly, at that moment it didn't feel like … how do I say this? Like a worthy prayer? It was more like a selfish prayer. Why would I pray for that when there are orphans who need shelter (thank you Jen), friends who need lifting, children who need saving, churches who need covering? Just to name a few.
I think the problem with my depression about my body is that it's so self-focused. It's me-centered, that's why it fuels my depression.
Lord, get my eyes off myself.
Please help me to serve. Help me to intercede for others. Let me have eyes and ears for what You are doing. Help me to abide in You and may Your words abide in me so that then, when I wish for things they will be focused on You and not on my small things. You have a much grander adventure in mind and I think really, I like that better.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Prepare My [sinful] Heart
Blogging usually comes out of the most deep, dark places for me. If you only ever read my blog and didn't know me in real life you would probably think that I was sad and depressed all the time. Or maybe not. Maybe you would just think that I'm a broken person who messes up sometimes. Which, we all are, and if anyone says otherwise, they are lying.
Oh man, we are approaching the lenten season and I really want to fast from something. Okay, that sounds totally dumb "really want" shouldn't go along with fast. It's kind of like how people "really want" to run a half marathon or to wake up early or to eat better. In theory they want to, but when the rubber meets the road they're like "oh crap, I didn't really want to do this."
I talked to Ben about giving up social media and he was like, "you always give that up. Isn't there something else?" Maybe I could give up cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry. His suggestion was that I give up sugar. Sure! Wait, what? I like sugar in my coffee every morning. That's how I meet with God! How is this supposed to help me get closer to Jesus.
I have been reading Jen Hatmaker's book 7 and it's messing with me. It's all about cutting back and reducing so that there is less of me and more of Christ. Less stuff, less food, less waste, less stress… more Jesus.
And now we are approaching a fasting season.
Hmmmm.
Ben is having weird hours at work. He's gone again this evening. I had a busy (good) afternoon, but it wore me out. I got home and he had to leave for work. My solution was to put the kids in front of the Letter Factory video and I would go in and lay down on Levi's bed for 30 mins. I think I did sleep at one point but then awoke to the sound of a diaper being torn off.
Aria has been tearing off her diapers lately. I'm not ready for this. I don't want to potty train her yet. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't remember how we potty trained Levi, it was all just a blur that I want to forget. Oh dear Aria, please stop ripping off your diapers.
I got out of bed and found her with a poopy diaper in her hand. Poop was also on the floor. She had also pulled up her pants over her poopy bottom. It was no pretty.
"I cannot do this."
My brain was functioning on low.
What will solve this? Maybe if I eat something. Maybe that will make me feel better. Yes, good idea. What do we have in the refrigerator? Pantry? I couldn't tell you what I ate, only that it was stress eating. I was reaching out to food to help me. Ask me, "did it help you Jody?" No. It did not make Aria stop screaming at Levi who refuses to share just one or two of his twenty two cars that he plays with … seriously?!
As we worked our way through the evening and I fed them dinner I began to think dark thoughts in my head about how when they went to bed I would have the biggest bowl of ice cream I could imagine. I would sit and eat it and watch "Say Yes to the Dress" on Youtube (confession of a guilty pleasure).
I even started to think, yes, I will fast from sugar, that's a good idea. Today is Fat Tuesday so that justifies a ginormous gorging even more.
What a knee jerk reaction.
Thankfully the Lord always props up a door or window out of my sin and temptation. These days He uses my kids. Somewhere in the evening they wanted to call Daddy. I was like, "good idea, then he can know how much I'm struggling at home without him!"
What's crazy is that somewhere in the mess and muddle of things, talking to Ben, dealing with the kids, I got my head on straight and thought, I don't need that. I don't need to go to bed with that on my stomach. It would just mess with my sleep.
Somewhere God gave me some grace. He reached down and saved me.
Lord, You know my heart. I want to know You more. I want to prepare my heart for Resurrection Sunday, the best day of the year as far as I'm concerned. Help me to prepare even in the midst of the chaos of three little kids. Give me wisdom. Help me not to make knee jerk decisions. Thank You for a way of escape. Help me to take those more often.
Oh man, we are approaching the lenten season and I really want to fast from something. Okay, that sounds totally dumb "really want" shouldn't go along with fast. It's kind of like how people "really want" to run a half marathon or to wake up early or to eat better. In theory they want to, but when the rubber meets the road they're like "oh crap, I didn't really want to do this."
I talked to Ben about giving up social media and he was like, "you always give that up. Isn't there something else?" Maybe I could give up cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry. His suggestion was that I give up sugar. Sure! Wait, what? I like sugar in my coffee every morning. That's how I meet with God! How is this supposed to help me get closer to Jesus.
I have been reading Jen Hatmaker's book 7 and it's messing with me. It's all about cutting back and reducing so that there is less of me and more of Christ. Less stuff, less food, less waste, less stress… more Jesus.
And now we are approaching a fasting season.
Hmmmm.
Ben is having weird hours at work. He's gone again this evening. I had a busy (good) afternoon, but it wore me out. I got home and he had to leave for work. My solution was to put the kids in front of the Letter Factory video and I would go in and lay down on Levi's bed for 30 mins. I think I did sleep at one point but then awoke to the sound of a diaper being torn off.
Aria has been tearing off her diapers lately. I'm not ready for this. I don't want to potty train her yet. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't remember how we potty trained Levi, it was all just a blur that I want to forget. Oh dear Aria, please stop ripping off your diapers.
I got out of bed and found her with a poopy diaper in her hand. Poop was also on the floor. She had also pulled up her pants over her poopy bottom. It was no pretty.
"I cannot do this."
My brain was functioning on low.
What will solve this? Maybe if I eat something. Maybe that will make me feel better. Yes, good idea. What do we have in the refrigerator? Pantry? I couldn't tell you what I ate, only that it was stress eating. I was reaching out to food to help me. Ask me, "did it help you Jody?" No. It did not make Aria stop screaming at Levi who refuses to share just one or two of his twenty two cars that he plays with … seriously?!
As we worked our way through the evening and I fed them dinner I began to think dark thoughts in my head about how when they went to bed I would have the biggest bowl of ice cream I could imagine. I would sit and eat it and watch "Say Yes to the Dress" on Youtube (confession of a guilty pleasure).
I even started to think, yes, I will fast from sugar, that's a good idea. Today is Fat Tuesday so that justifies a ginormous gorging even more.
What a knee jerk reaction.
Thankfully the Lord always props up a door or window out of my sin and temptation. These days He uses my kids. Somewhere in the evening they wanted to call Daddy. I was like, "good idea, then he can know how much I'm struggling at home without him!"
What's crazy is that somewhere in the mess and muddle of things, talking to Ben, dealing with the kids, I got my head on straight and thought, I don't need that. I don't need to go to bed with that on my stomach. It would just mess with my sleep.
Somewhere God gave me some grace. He reached down and saved me.
Lord, You know my heart. I want to know You more. I want to prepare my heart for Resurrection Sunday, the best day of the year as far as I'm concerned. Help me to prepare even in the midst of the chaos of three little kids. Give me wisdom. Help me not to make knee jerk decisions. Thank You for a way of escape. Help me to take those more often.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Freedom from Anger
Blog? I don't want to blog. I have a blog? I keep one? That's a joke.
I'm too tired to blog.
My back hurts.
My foot hurts.
Okay, I'm out of excuses. I guess I should blog.
Can I just pause here to thank the Lord for coffee? It just helps everything. It makes everything just a little better. I like honey and cream in mine. It's beautiful.
Okay, so onto today.
Can I just say that the past three days have been a big "mom fail" for me. I don't know what we did exactly or why. I can't name specific instances, I just know that there was lots of yelling and screaming and anger coming from all three of us. (Simeon doesn't count, he's just a baby and really, he probably cried the least of all of us.) Aria and Levi kept fighting and then I was distracted and would come in on the end of things and pass out judgement and punishment however I saw fit (probably unfairly). One night Ben was asking if he could run an errand before coming home and I told him he better come home or he might not have three kids by the time he got there.
It was a mess.
I was a mess.
I'm not sure how it creeped in, but I was becoming very angry. Yes, the kids were more needy this week, they are coming down with colds. Aria has been more whiney and has resorted to screaming. Levi has taken up a habit of scaring Aria when he wants her to do things. She will sometimes be okay with being scared, but usually it ends up in her screaming and crying. Then I lecture Levi about not scaring his sister and I say, "next time you scare her, you will get a spanking." Oh the threats. How I hate threatening. How I threaten.
On top of this Ben has been extremely busy at work. His company is implementing a huge new system and he plays an important role in it. He will be working strange, round the clock hours for the next few weeks. All that to say that he is working today. And it's a Saturday.
This morning started when Simeon woke up at 4;15. I nursed him in bed until Levi came in at 5 crying for a cough drop and someone to blow his nose. Ben went ahead and got up to read the Word. I decided to get up and shower at 5:30. Levi came back into our room at 5:45. I told him to go back to bed to which he whined "Nooooooooo!" There was no reasoning with him and I knew if he went and laid down he would just continue coughing. I hate coughs. They are from Satan.
Aria might have started crying at 6, I'm not sure. It doesn't matter.
I don't like mornings like this.
I want to start my morning ALONE. With my husband and the Lord and maybe Simeon, he's quiet so he can stay. I don't enjoy trying to read my Bible with my kids climbing all over me asking when they can eat breakfast. I go and fix them breakfast and then they start fighting, which in the world of a 2 and 4 year old that consists of yelling "Yes!" and "No!" for no particular reason. Jesus, help me, I might yell over all of them.
I sat on the couch wondering if this is what the rest of my day would look like. And I started to cry.
The only thing I could pray was "Jesus, I need You."
I wrote in my journal: Lord, I am struggling! I need You. I am bitter and angry at my kids. I don't want to be around them. They are annoying me. Everything they do is getting on my nerves.
Please help me Jesus! I don't want to feel this way! I want to love my kids. I want to not be annoyed by them. Please! I need You.
Verbatim. Seriously, I just copied that out of my journal. Ah, the rawness of motherhood.
Every morning before Ben leaves we pray. Sitting on the couch Ben and I told our kids to go to their rooms so mommy and daddy could pray. And don't come out or else. Parenting is never perfect right? We are a mess. Without Jesus we are a mess.
So we prayed. I don't remember what Ben prayed. He was in a much better state of mind than I was. I remember confessing my bad attitude and asking that the Lord would give me a new heart. I knew that the day could go either one of two ways: I could continue in my miserable attitude and have a miserable pity party day OR I could cry out to God and He would change everything. I didn't know what that would look like, but I have experienced His new mercies enough times to know that they really are new.
Ben left and I didn't feel any better. I was still angry and still bitter. Still dreading this awful day.
I felt like I needed to ask a friend to pray for me. So often I am willing to pray for others when they are in need, but I neglect to ask for prayer when I'm in need. I have this weird pride thing that says I have to struggle through it alone. It's ridiculous.
So I just sent an emergency text message to a friend who I had been able to lift up a few weeks before because she had sent me a text asking for help.
Then I put my phone away. I knew that Facebook and instagram could not fix any of my problems, as much as I wanted to post on them or run and hide into them, my only need in that moment was Jesus.
I started to pray.
Lord, what should I do?
It was probably 6:45 in the morning. Aria went to my computer and said "Fireworks" This is code for a song Praise Like Fireworks from Rent Collective's Campfire album. The kids LOVE it. I'm starting to get tired of it. But for some reason (maybe it was the Lord) I said, sure. Let's do this.
So we turned it on.
These are the lyrics
I'm too tired to blog.
My back hurts.
My foot hurts.
Okay, I'm out of excuses. I guess I should blog.
Can I just pause here to thank the Lord for coffee? It just helps everything. It makes everything just a little better. I like honey and cream in mine. It's beautiful.
Okay, so onto today.
Can I just say that the past three days have been a big "mom fail" for me. I don't know what we did exactly or why. I can't name specific instances, I just know that there was lots of yelling and screaming and anger coming from all three of us. (Simeon doesn't count, he's just a baby and really, he probably cried the least of all of us.) Aria and Levi kept fighting and then I was distracted and would come in on the end of things and pass out judgement and punishment however I saw fit (probably unfairly). One night Ben was asking if he could run an errand before coming home and I told him he better come home or he might not have three kids by the time he got there.
It was a mess.
I was a mess.
I'm not sure how it creeped in, but I was becoming very angry. Yes, the kids were more needy this week, they are coming down with colds. Aria has been more whiney and has resorted to screaming. Levi has taken up a habit of scaring Aria when he wants her to do things. She will sometimes be okay with being scared, but usually it ends up in her screaming and crying. Then I lecture Levi about not scaring his sister and I say, "next time you scare her, you will get a spanking." Oh the threats. How I hate threatening. How I threaten.
On top of this Ben has been extremely busy at work. His company is implementing a huge new system and he plays an important role in it. He will be working strange, round the clock hours for the next few weeks. All that to say that he is working today. And it's a Saturday.
This morning started when Simeon woke up at 4;15. I nursed him in bed until Levi came in at 5 crying for a cough drop and someone to blow his nose. Ben went ahead and got up to read the Word. I decided to get up and shower at 5:30. Levi came back into our room at 5:45. I told him to go back to bed to which he whined "Nooooooooo!" There was no reasoning with him and I knew if he went and laid down he would just continue coughing. I hate coughs. They are from Satan.
Aria might have started crying at 6, I'm not sure. It doesn't matter.
I don't like mornings like this.
I want to start my morning ALONE. With my husband and the Lord and maybe Simeon, he's quiet so he can stay. I don't enjoy trying to read my Bible with my kids climbing all over me asking when they can eat breakfast. I go and fix them breakfast and then they start fighting, which in the world of a 2 and 4 year old that consists of yelling "Yes!" and "No!" for no particular reason. Jesus, help me, I might yell over all of them.
I sat on the couch wondering if this is what the rest of my day would look like. And I started to cry.
The only thing I could pray was "Jesus, I need You."
I wrote in my journal: Lord, I am struggling! I need You. I am bitter and angry at my kids. I don't want to be around them. They are annoying me. Everything they do is getting on my nerves.
Please help me Jesus! I don't want to feel this way! I want to love my kids. I want to not be annoyed by them. Please! I need You.
Verbatim. Seriously, I just copied that out of my journal. Ah, the rawness of motherhood.
Every morning before Ben leaves we pray. Sitting on the couch Ben and I told our kids to go to their rooms so mommy and daddy could pray. And don't come out or else. Parenting is never perfect right? We are a mess. Without Jesus we are a mess.
So we prayed. I don't remember what Ben prayed. He was in a much better state of mind than I was. I remember confessing my bad attitude and asking that the Lord would give me a new heart. I knew that the day could go either one of two ways: I could continue in my miserable attitude and have a miserable pity party day OR I could cry out to God and He would change everything. I didn't know what that would look like, but I have experienced His new mercies enough times to know that they really are new.
Ben left and I didn't feel any better. I was still angry and still bitter. Still dreading this awful day.
I felt like I needed to ask a friend to pray for me. So often I am willing to pray for others when they are in need, but I neglect to ask for prayer when I'm in need. I have this weird pride thing that says I have to struggle through it alone. It's ridiculous.
So I just sent an emergency text message to a friend who I had been able to lift up a few weeks before because she had sent me a text asking for help.
Then I put my phone away. I knew that Facebook and instagram could not fix any of my problems, as much as I wanted to post on them or run and hide into them, my only need in that moment was Jesus.
I started to pray.
Lord, what should I do?
It was probably 6:45 in the morning. Aria went to my computer and said "Fireworks" This is code for a song Praise Like Fireworks from Rent Collective's Campfire album. The kids LOVE it. I'm starting to get tired of it. But for some reason (maybe it was the Lord) I said, sure. Let's do this.
So we turned it on.
These are the lyrics
You've given us a heart, given us a home
You've given us a heart, given us a home
You've given us a heart, given us a home with You
I lift my voice to praise You
I lift my voice to praise You
My concrete heart won't stop me
My concrete heart won't stop me
I'll sing like it's the first time
I'll sing like it's the first time
And leave behind the cynic
I leave behind the cynic in my soul
We're letting praise like fireworks
Loose from our thankful hearts
We're bringing You our praise, bringing You our lives
We're bringing You our praise, bringing You our lives
We're bringing You our praise, bringing all our lives to You
Through joy and pain we worship
Through joy and pain we worship
With heart and soul wide open
With heart and soul wide open
Your strength will never fail us
Your strength will never fail us
We're not lost in the darkness
We're not lost in the darkness
You are here
Can I just say, that in a moment the Lord spoke into my heart.
He's given me a heart and a home. I will sing and praise Him and I'm not going to let my concrete, angry, hard heart stop me. I will sing like it's the first time…
Every lyric in that song was what I needed in that moment. The Lord showed me that there is power in praising Him. Even when I don't feel like praising Him. He gives us new hearts. That was what I needed in that moment. I started dancing around our living room like a crazy person. I did not even care. Worshipping at home where no one can see you but your kids is the BEST way to worship. The looks on Aria and Levi's faces were shock and delight. I was jumping up and down and declaring His praises. I don't know what came over me except that the Holy Spirit was so rich in our home, it finally felt like I could breathe. All of my anger was GONE. Levi even started to act up and try to scare Aria in the middle of the song and the Lord allowed me to deal with him in my softest, kindest voice. I felt like a new person.
So we listened and danced to the song a few more times.
Then we just let the album play throughout the whole morning. I heard from the Lord about several other things I had been struggling with and He gave me a peace about them, a direction to go.
I picked up my phone a little later and saw that my friend had texted me back. Her text was that she was praying for me and that I needed to PRAISE Jesus and have fellowship with Him. I texted her back and got to tell her that her prayers had been answered.
I texted Ben and told him that he didn't need to worry about us, we were doing fine and that God is truly good.
I finally felt free. Free from anger. Free from bitterness. I felt like I could truly love my kids and enjoy them.
The scripture from Psalm 73 "The Lord is the strength of my life and my portion forever." kept ringing through my head. He is my strength and my song. I needed Him and He came through.
Thank you Rend Collective for writing that song, the Lord used you in my life.
Thank You Jesus for being so faithful, even when I have such a bad attitude and an angry heart. Thank You for a new heart.
"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."
Ezekiel 36:26 NLT
Friday, February 21, 2014
Struggles
Something that I dislike about having a blog that is so open and so readable is the fact that I can't just hide behind my keyboard and post things anonymously. I share my struggles and then go out into the world and people know about them. Hello.
Lord, help me to be transparent. I know that's why You called me to start this blog. You're working in my heart now and it's painful sometimes. Open heart surgery is painful right??
I also want to apologize for any disjointed thoughts. Sleep has been elusive and erratic right now, this makes thinking difficult. Again, Lord, help me.
I've been struggling a lot with pride and selfishness. Self-centeredness. Me-ness. Oh how I want the world to revolve around me. I don't even like to type that because it looks so ugly.
I have been wanting to blog just so I can get more hits or comments about how amazing I am at blogging. It's a doubled edged sword I think. I want to be vulnerable and yet I want to be awesome at the same time. Lord, help me to see that this is about You. I am small. Let me be content to just be small and inadequate. It's better when I'm weak and I get to be carried by You Jesus. That way Jody is not exalted so high. I don't belong up there. I just want to be found in You.
I found myself wanting others to know that I'm a musician. Honestly, I'm not that talented. I used to write a lot, mostly out of my struggle with depression and feelings of inadequacy, but I just haven't been able to write these past four years. I want to write a song so badly, but it just won't come. Lord, thank You for humbling me in this area. I would totally think I'm amazing had You not humbled me and broken me. Thank You.
I have been wanting to be skinnier. Mainly so that my clothes wouldn't be so snug and uncomfortable. I've found myself comparing myself to other women thinking, "why can't I look like her?" or looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, "I hate my arms … or my stomach or my legs … " or any other body part that Satan wants to pick in that moment to highlight and hate. Jesus, You created me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You created even my fat stores to be where they are and You called me beautiful. I am beautiful because You created me. Lord, help me remember that this body You have given me is good. Help me not to abuse it with a third helping of brownies. Help me to know how to nurture it and take care of it. I pray that I would not even allow thoughts of hatred toward it to be entertained for one millisecond. I am Yours.
All of this has been so me-focused. I feel like it's led down a path of depression lately. Even as I was taking care of the kids, talking to Ben, laying them down for naps I just had a spirit of anger. It wasn't just like a sad depressed, but it was more of an angry depressed. I couldn't put my finger on why I felt this way. But then the Lord showed me, that it's because I'm only looking at me.
Lord, You are so faithful to show me my sin. Yet, You are so faithful not to leave me there. This heart slips into these patterns so easily. Thank You for showing me where I need release. Thank You for humility. Thank You that I get to live a transparent life and I don't have to be concerned with what others think of me, because only Your opinion matters. You see all of my heart. Let me live in that place. Let me be only concerned with You. Give me strength to love my children and my husband and serve them sacrificially no matter how little time I get to myself. They are truly a joy and I really do have the best job in the world.
Thank You Lord.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Letters to Littles
Just a few notes to my three precious children.
Dear Levi,
You are the biggest helper a mother could ask for. I'm really sorry I tend to abuse that privilege, I will try not to in the future. You make me laugh hard and I wish I was half as cool as you are some days. You are going to grow up to be the most handsome boy on the block, but I pray that you never know it. I pray that you take risks, serve the Lord with all your heart and make Jesus the Lord of your life.
Dear Aria,
You are a pistol. I quiet one, but a pistol nonetheless. I love how you quietly climb to the top of the couch then say, "watch dis" and proceed to launch yourself onto the floor. My feet hurt just from watching you. You have an awesome dimple in your chin, I pray you always love it because it makes you totally unique. You are hilarious and you are starting to realize it. You want to do everything by yourself until you realize you can't do it. then you are unashamed to yell out, "hep pees!" (help please).
I honestly can't understand 2/3 of what you say, but it sure is cute how you say it. We definitely need to work on your articulation. I pray that you grow to become a woman of purity and strength. More than anything, I want you to know Jesus and fall deeply in love with him. He's the only one who can fill you.
Dear Simeon,
You are an awesome baby. Thank you for being so chill. You look so much like Levi did at your age, I think you will be just as handsome as he is. I pray that you will be a man of honor and prayer. Know that your name means "God hears" may you be a man who cries out to God and believes that He hears you.
I love you all. I can't imagine my heart being any fuller.
Your Mama
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Today
I don't have time to blog… I'm too tired to blog.
I just have to say that today I had an epiphany: Things never go the way you expect them to go. I just need to learn to expect the unexpected. Today Levi napped perfectly. This is the first time he has done so in WEEKS. However, Aria, I'm not sure if she even got a nap. I know that I fell asleep with her yelling in her crib and woke up an hour later to her yelling some more. I didn't go get her though, in hopes that maybe she would eventually fall asleep. Do you ever have days where your child has reached lunacy?
I tried to work everything out perfectly, but it just blew up in my face. Honestly, some afternoons I just want to curl up on the couch with a hot cup of coffee and a good book with the house beautifully quiet with the sound of three sleeping children. Go ahead my fellow moms, laugh. I'm laughing too, except it's more of a deranged laugh.
To be fair, the kids have been so good. (Naps are usually our hardest part of the day. Someone is usually telling me that they are not tired and don't need to nap when clearly, they are and they do.) Levi and Aria are playing together beautifully and this allows me to get things like laundry and dishes done.
I think we are going to take our first trip to the grocery store with the four of us tomorrow. We will see how that goes.
I digress. If you are still reading this post at this point, I am impressed. Thank you.
Lord, what do you want me to blog about?
I love the praise of man too much and I feel sometimes when I post that I am wanting to get more of that praise. "Wow Jody, you are so honest!" or "That's just what I was thinking." or when people tell me they are interested in "hearing my thoughts" it's like something goes off in me (in my flesh) that says, "Oo, am I interesting? Are my thoughts valuable? Do people like me?" I start to think about what I can do to get more people to read my blog or be cooler and then all my blogging dries up like a desert. Poof.
Lord, I want to honor You and glorify You with this. I keep picking it up again and again, seeking my own crowns and man's empty praise.
I give it to You.
I just have to say that today I had an epiphany: Things never go the way you expect them to go. I just need to learn to expect the unexpected. Today Levi napped perfectly. This is the first time he has done so in WEEKS. However, Aria, I'm not sure if she even got a nap. I know that I fell asleep with her yelling in her crib and woke up an hour later to her yelling some more. I didn't go get her though, in hopes that maybe she would eventually fall asleep. Do you ever have days where your child has reached lunacy?
I tried to work everything out perfectly, but it just blew up in my face. Honestly, some afternoons I just want to curl up on the couch with a hot cup of coffee and a good book with the house beautifully quiet with the sound of three sleeping children. Go ahead my fellow moms, laugh. I'm laughing too, except it's more of a deranged laugh.
To be fair, the kids have been so good. (Naps are usually our hardest part of the day. Someone is usually telling me that they are not tired and don't need to nap when clearly, they are and they do.) Levi and Aria are playing together beautifully and this allows me to get things like laundry and dishes done.
I think we are going to take our first trip to the grocery store with the four of us tomorrow. We will see how that goes.
I digress. If you are still reading this post at this point, I am impressed. Thank you.
Lord, what do you want me to blog about?
I love the praise of man too much and I feel sometimes when I post that I am wanting to get more of that praise. "Wow Jody, you are so honest!" or "That's just what I was thinking." or when people tell me they are interested in "hearing my thoughts" it's like something goes off in me (in my flesh) that says, "Oo, am I interesting? Are my thoughts valuable? Do people like me?" I start to think about what I can do to get more people to read my blog or be cooler and then all my blogging dries up like a desert. Poof.
Lord, I want to honor You and glorify You with this. I keep picking it up again and again, seeking my own crowns and man's empty praise.
I give it to You.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Post Pregnancy Body Image
Week two with three kids begins.
I feel like maybe I shouldn't be blogging because things are going so well. I usually only want to blog when things are falling apart and I want to process the whole situation.
Honestly, it's been far easier than I expected.
The nights are long, Simeon is only going to be three weeks on Thursday, so I gotta cut him some slack here.
A big cup of coffee and a nice hot shower help in the morning.
Afternoon naps help too. Although, it's been more challenging with a four year old who is refusing to nap. He needs to nap, but he doesn't want to nap. It's frustrating. For both of us. We're working on it.
People bringing us meals helps too.
But I'm not going to blog about all of that tonight.
I'm going to blog about body image. Please don't look at me funny, I know I had a baby three weeks ago and you can totally roll your eyes at me. I'm going to place this under the fact that I struggled for so many years with my body image and weight and food. Those old thoughts are starting to rear their ugly heads.
So, none of my clothes really fit. My maternity pants ride down because I have the full panel ones and no longer have a ginormous belly to hold them in place. I have some old, out-of-style jeans that kind of fit, but I hate them. Then I have all my other pants that don't. Let's just say that the post pregnancy body is still in recovery.
The temptation is to look in the mirror every day and think angry thoughts.
I hate that feeling of needing to lose weight. I have felt that feeling with utter hopelessness so many times before. It's a place that reminds me of those chains I struggled with for so many years.
So I was sitting down one morning to meet with the Lord. (I have to wake up at 5:30 in order to shower and then have alone time sans children until 7, thankfully they haven't woken up before 7 in a while). I was asking Him just to speak to me about whatever I needed to hear about. In the middle of reading the Word I just had this thought, I wasn't even reading about this but I feel like He just spoke into my heart. "Are you thankful for your body? Did you know that I created your body perfectly?" I started to realize, yes, I am thankful for it. I have born three children, and even been able to nurse them all. I am strong and healthy. I can play on the floor with my kids. I can clean our bathrooms, wash the dishes, do the laundry. God has given me good work to do here on earth and He has blessed me with an able body. It doesn't matter if clothes don't fit quite right sometimes, what matters is that this body serves me and my family well.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was knit together by the God of the universe and His works are good. If I despise this body that He has given me, I am despising His artwork, His creation.
Thank You Lord. Thank You for the good work You have given me to do. Good work of picking up the laundry off the floor, making the bed, dressing little ones and changing diapers. Thank You that I can move and bend over and breathe again. Let me not be distracted from the tasks that You have for me. Let me focus on my kids and not on myself. Let me treat this body You have given me with respect and not hatred. Your works are wonderful, and my soul knows it full well.
I feel like maybe I shouldn't be blogging because things are going so well. I usually only want to blog when things are falling apart and I want to process the whole situation.
Honestly, it's been far easier than I expected.
The nights are long, Simeon is only going to be three weeks on Thursday, so I gotta cut him some slack here.
A big cup of coffee and a nice hot shower help in the morning.
Afternoon naps help too. Although, it's been more challenging with a four year old who is refusing to nap. He needs to nap, but he doesn't want to nap. It's frustrating. For both of us. We're working on it.
People bringing us meals helps too.
But I'm not going to blog about all of that tonight.
I'm going to blog about body image. Please don't look at me funny, I know I had a baby three weeks ago and you can totally roll your eyes at me. I'm going to place this under the fact that I struggled for so many years with my body image and weight and food. Those old thoughts are starting to rear their ugly heads.
So, none of my clothes really fit. My maternity pants ride down because I have the full panel ones and no longer have a ginormous belly to hold them in place. I have some old, out-of-style jeans that kind of fit, but I hate them. Then I have all my other pants that don't. Let's just say that the post pregnancy body is still in recovery.
The temptation is to look in the mirror every day and think angry thoughts.
I hate that feeling of needing to lose weight. I have felt that feeling with utter hopelessness so many times before. It's a place that reminds me of those chains I struggled with for so many years.
So I was sitting down one morning to meet with the Lord. (I have to wake up at 5:30 in order to shower and then have alone time sans children until 7, thankfully they haven't woken up before 7 in a while). I was asking Him just to speak to me about whatever I needed to hear about. In the middle of reading the Word I just had this thought, I wasn't even reading about this but I feel like He just spoke into my heart. "Are you thankful for your body? Did you know that I created your body perfectly?" I started to realize, yes, I am thankful for it. I have born three children, and even been able to nurse them all. I am strong and healthy. I can play on the floor with my kids. I can clean our bathrooms, wash the dishes, do the laundry. God has given me good work to do here on earth and He has blessed me with an able body. It doesn't matter if clothes don't fit quite right sometimes, what matters is that this body serves me and my family well.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was knit together by the God of the universe and His works are good. If I despise this body that He has given me, I am despising His artwork, His creation.
Thank You Lord. Thank You for the good work You have given me to do. Good work of picking up the laundry off the floor, making the bed, dressing little ones and changing diapers. Thank You that I can move and bend over and breathe again. Let me not be distracted from the tasks that You have for me. Let me focus on my kids and not on myself. Let me treat this body You have given me with respect and not hatred. Your works are wonderful, and my soul knows it full well.
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