Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Pregnancy again. :) part 29

I used to be annoyed by those women who would complain in their last days of pregnancy. In my mind I was like, "come on, it can't be that bad... what a wimp."

I'm a wimp.

It's easy just to complain though. I don't need to complain, I don't need to complain... I just need to keep living my life, loving my husband, loving my son, eating, exercising, cleaning my house... but it's really hard to do when you have this watermelon in your belly.

Why do these last days have to feel so long?

Ben and I were talking about how we are in an interesting place because with Christmas our schedule was thrown off, there wasn't much regularity or routine... and now we are just getting into a routine again with him and work and me and Levi... but that's all about to be interrupted. The thing is, we have some idea of what this interruption will be like :) I remember with Levi I had no idea how your life comes to this screeching halt and how difficult those first days were. I now have a vague memory of everything and I am just expecting for life to go into survival mode. I feel like I'm bracing myself for the roller coaster ride, wondering how Aria will be as a newborn. I'm wondering how Levi will take having a new little baby around to share his mommy. Am I going to feel like I have no time with my husband again? How will nursing go this time around? How big will she be? Will she want to cuddle or will she cry tons like Levi did?

That's the problem with these last days. You just want to get in there and figure it out. You know the storm is coming, you know it's going to happen soon and you just want to get in there and DO it. But you have to wait. In the meantime, get exercise and rest. You don't want to wear yourself out too much just in case you go into labor, but you do want to keep walking and active because that will more likely cause you to go into labor... Sometimes it feels impossible to get comfortable, so resting can be limited as well. I keep asking God why He made it like this.  I know partially because it is all childbearing and we live in a fallen world, but still, this is HARD. It's a difficult, long thing to bring a child into the world.

Babies are born all the time, I know, but it is still a huge, sacred process. Pregnancy can be some of the longest months of your life. I keep telling myself it's only been forty weeks and I wasn't even aware of the first five of them, so really, thirty five weeks... but still, it's waiting and waiting and growing and keeping up with your health and gaining weight and eating for not only yourself but for a growing little baby inside of you... stopping medications that you may have been on, being sick with morning sickness, the prenatals not helping any of that, then there's the heartburn or the constipation... all of it is great pain to bring a life into the world.

But really, it makes total sense. Why would it not be the hardest thing you could ever do? Why would it not feel like it's taking forever? I remember holding Levi for the first time and realizing that he is an eternal soul that Ben and I helped create together. He has some of Ben, some of me and a lot of himself. He would someday become a man. I remember holding him and the awe of that fact was just overwhelming. He would be a man who would make an impact in the world. He might get married someday, he might have children, I pray that he comes to know the Lord and does incredible things for Him. Really, mothers are the gatekeepers, our bodies are vessels for bringing human life into this world. How sacred and amazing is that?

Lord, help me in this process. I want to keep this kind of perspective. I want to be set on You and how You are the one who ordained this birth. Please, please give me strength.

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