I was just trying to read my Bible and have a quiet time but I felt this overwhelming need to post a blog. Holy Spirit, I hope this is You because if it's not this thing will be worthless.
I was advised last week to go through some of my old journals to see how God has answered prayer. I have always dated my journals and I'm very glad I did. I picked up one from May of 2004. I was nineteen. Hello nineteen-year-old self. Some thoughts are profound and I can't believe I thought that at such young an age. "I have no idea how to trust You. I cannot fathom You. I cannot imagine Your holiness, Your perfection, Your plan." And then some things that I said/prayed are absolutely ridiculous.
"God, help me lose ten pounds a week."
It's kind of embarrassing to read old journals from this time in my life. My high school and college days are a blur of wanting and trying and obsessing about losing weight. I tried my hardest to get out of the junk I was in, but in all honesty, I was just insane.
So what has brought me to sanity? I still have insane thoughts from time to time, Lord, please give me discernment in this. More than anything, it's been prayer. Realizing I cannot do this on my own and just taking it to the Lord. Laying down idols of television and overeating. Both of those were huge idols in my life.
The word "idol" is weird because it is so old-fashioned and sounds a bit ridiculous, but I think it's completely appropriate. I worshiped the idol of becoming thin. I worshiped the television and all the thin, perfectly happy people, and then my comfort to go along with these starving people as my friends was ice cream. And chips. And cereal. And whatever else that sounded good that I could put into my mouth.
I remember reading in 1-2 Kings in the Bible with each King of Israel they would not destroy the high places where people would sacrifice to false gods. I think the Kings were afraid of what others would think of them, they were afraid to close the back door just in case God would leave them hanging.
Really, the idols and the high places need to be destroyed. Personally, my destruction was just flat out getting rid of the television. For a time I had to lay exercise down completely and just stop any and all diets and attempts at diet. There was also a season where I felt like I needed to completely cut out sugar and sweets because they were my comfort.
I am discovering every day that losing weight is not an outside-in fix. It's an inside-out solution. It's my heart and my attitude about food that needs to change.
Lord, only in You there is freedom.