Lord, please help me as I write this. I have so much I want to share but I don't know what I need to hold back and what I need to bring forward. Please help me.
God has been teaching me many things lately.
But I am a slow, reluctant learner.
In the mornings when I read my Bible and pray and journal everything sounds really awesome and I think, "yes! I want to do that!" but then two O clock hits and I am not wanting to submit and obey anymore. That's around the time when I want to do things my own way.
I hate that.
I think it's laziness and lack of conviction.
The thing is, if I try to fight my own laziness I just end up making excuse after excuse. "I'm a mom" "I had a rough day" "I deserve this" ... and so on. I don't follow through because I depend on myself and honestly, I'm like a reed blowing in the wind.
Lord, I have been lazy with my house. I have been lazy in my prayers and scripture memory. Yes, I have two little kids and they are demanding and difficult and definitely not convenient, BUT I don't think that's an excuse not to call on You at all times. I don't think that's an excuse to waste their nap time on facebook and reading blogs or eating cookies or whatever I can find in the pantry. Father, I have been wasteful in my time and that is wrong.
God has also been teaching me about pride.
Some friends of mine were talking about their small group leader once who would say "Honesty Room" and then he would just blurt out whatever was on his mind. He would say maybe what everyone in the room was thinking but afraid to actually talk about. He would confess sins and for some reason it was okay because he said "Honesty Room" beforehand. ... I think I could live my life in Honesty Room. I'm going to steal his phrase though.
Honesty Room. I love compliments. I love the praise of man. I love to look in the mirror and think about how beautiful I am. (Oh my goodness, I sound so vain)... but vanity, that's what it is. Losing weight has not helped in this area. I pass by a mirror (still) and think, wow, I am so skinny! ... (Oh my gosh, I can't even believe I'm saying this right now, I'm saying it because it's true). It's not true all the time, mind you. I have days when I look in the mirror and I hate what I see, but that's not as often the case.
The truth is that my heart is wrecked with sin.
I want to be humble. I want to have a humble heart that doesn't even THINK about that stuff. I want to have an others-focused heart that loves and gives of itself. Lord, I can't do that without You.
Are we still in Honesty Room? Cause I am. I am not a generous person. I mean, I can be and I want to be but I am also paranoid about money sometimes. I realized the other day and told Ben that Christmas stressed me out because all these stupid gifts had to be given and we would have to spend all this money and buy people things and it was all mandatory because of this holiday. I have to make out a list of what I want for Christmas so my family can know what to give me but the truth is that I don't need anything. There are things that I want but they cost hundreds of dollars and it's really awkward asking for cash for Christmas. I just don't know that I'm much of a gift person. It's terrible.
But it's not just the gifts, it's that I'm not generous to the poor. I'm not generous with my time or my money. There's this thing that keeps itching in the back of my mind that I keep thinking about how stinking wealthy and comfortable we are. We have heat and air conditioning. We have comfortable couches, washing machines, dryers, we have hot water heaters, soft beds, the list could go on and on. There are people walking around on this earth who have nothing. I have brothers and sisters in Christ who don't even have a tenth of what I have. We spend at least a hundred dollars a week on just food, if not more. I know that this is the culture we live in and the cost of living and all that... but still. It doesn't sit right.
I want to go volunteer at a soup kitchen or go give Christmas presents to a family or something like that. But I have two little kids and I don't have time... It would be difficult.
Lord, help me with this. I want to be generous.