Oh man, I have said this many times before, but sometimes I just don't want to blog. That's ridiculous. Jody, why do you have a blog then? Why are you typing right now?
I guess I blog to just put myself out there, to say what no one wants to say out loud. Many times before I do something I don't want to do, I have to just say so out loud. For some reason, it helps.
I don't want to blog.
Fear. That's what I was thinking about today during our sermon at church. I love our pastor, can I just say that? At one point he was talking about how God leads us through suffering because He is preparing us to lead others. Whenever I hear people talk about suffering... I don't know, I just feel like we haven't had a lot of it. I mean, this past season of Ben rupturing his achilles and me being pregnant and sick and dealing with two little kids, that was hard, but I don't know if it was tragic, painful... I don't know, I just don't know that it was suffering.
I remember when I was first pregnant and hearing this couple on the radio talk about having a still-birth. I have never miscarried, but I'm not sure it would be as hard on me as waiting a whole 8-9 months and then giving birth and the child die. I just don't know. (I need to be knocking on wood right now). Honestly, I have been thinking, "why have I been able to get pregnant so easily and others around me struggle for so long?" Why have I had two and a half completely healthy pregnancies and others around me struggle?
Part of me worries. I struggle with a bit of fear that we have not been through major suffering yet. Something could happen to us or our children... thankfully, I don't walk around thinking about that all the time.
Two things: I don't want to be exempt from suffering and I want to go through suffering because I know it will bring me closer to God. I want my relationship with Him to be strengthened.
I think it just grips my heart to think that something could happen to my children or my husband that God would use as suffering. I'm not at all saying that is always the case and this is bound to happen and my children WILL be instruments in the process of strengthening my faith.
Lord, I don't know what You will do. I know I want to be close to You and I want not to fear. Help me to focus on my family now. Help me to keep my mind on what is important. Help me to teach my children about You and Your goodness no matter what. I want to follow You whatever the cost, teach me to trust and to move forward. Help me not to be afraid of the unknown. Thank You for the good and precious gifts that You have given us. Help us not to take them for granted for one little moment. I give it to You. I ask that You would strengthen Ben and me as parents, as husband and wife, strengthen us and grow us together in You.