Wednesday, April 9, 2014
I was journalling, like in my journal that's made of paper, that kind of journalling. And then felt the overwhelming sense that I need to just blog.
On the internet.
Deep personal thoughts and all that… for everyone to see. Okay. Cool.
If you're uncomfortable with that idea, you totally don't have to read this. It's fine. I won't be offended in any way.
Here's what I wrote.
Umm, I'm talking to God here, that's just what it is.
"Why is it that I finally get around to having time alone with You and for some strange, stupid reason I don't want to be alone with you? Why am I stupid like that?
Why does Satan lie to me? Get away Satan. I hate you and your constant ability to bring up old sin in my life. "
That's it. That's what I wrote. Okay, time to continue on with the blog and stream of consciousness from here.
I've been struggling. On many fronts. I've been procrastinating in some areas. I've been getting angry at my kids more often. I've been thinking thoughts like, "I hate my life." or just "why me?"
Most of the time I have one way of dealing with these things: Food. Just eat.
Which leads me to another struggle: weight loss.
Honestly, I just wanted to sit in my kitchen and eat this afternoon. Just eat anything that would help me to calm down and make me feel better. That sounds so lame now that I write it down, but it's the truth. I used to be a major closet eater, and it's still a struggle in my life. Lord, really, I just need You.
I'm tired and I can't do this on my own. I'm tired of my body and it being tired. I wish all the weight would just come off overnight. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow morning and it just to be gone, and I could just fit into my old clothes again. But I don't think that would solve all my problems. And I don't think the body is supposed to work that way. It's supposed to be slow, change needs to be gradual.
Lord, please give me patience.
Help me to run to You in my stresses. Help me to run to You even when I don't want to. Thank You for Your Word that reminds me that I haven't resisted sin to the point of bloodshed yet. I pray that the pull of my sin would lose it's grip on me. Lead me Holy Spirit. Show me exactly what I need to do in each moment so I can follow you completely.
I need You.