Friday, March 22, 2013

A Struggle with Pride

I have been complaining a lot lately. A lot. Mainly to God. Mainly I've been shaking my fist at Him, wondering what in the world I am doing.

Shaking my fist at Heaven, 
Complaining about this bread unleavened. 

I don't like my portion right now... maybe it's not so much that I don't like it, I think it's just that I don't feel like it's enough. Does that make sense even? I keep looking at other people and the amazing things that they are doing and I look down at my own life and well, honestly, it seems kind of dumb. I feel like my life is dumb sometimes.

I do a lot of the same things. I clean my house A LOT. It doesn't look like I clean it which frightens me to think how it would look if I never really DID clean it. I was leaving the house this morning and tripped over a clear plastic pitcher Aria left on the floor. I looked over and all the towels had been pulled out of the drawer and thrown across the kitchen. This was just part of the mess. I made some of the mess too, the pans in the sink, the drops of juice on the counter... oh yeah, and there were the bananas Aria had thrown on the floor when she was finished with breakfast. I hate how that's the signal kids make when they are finished with food. "Welp, I'm done with this mom, I'll just be throwing it on the floor now." (Mom immediately freaks out and takes them out of their highchair, so effective).

Kids are just a lot of work.

They create a lot of meaningless, unnecessary work.

Okay, but my struggle is that I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing anything truly meaningful. Wiping noses and bottoms and fixing snack after snack, putting on shoes and socks, taking them off ten minutes later when the child wants to come in again, sweeping the dirt off the floor that they tracked in...

I wonder sometimes if I missed it.

Here's a confession. I used to lead worship with Kris Allen. He won American Idol back in 2008. Honestly, I have never considered myself good enough to take on something like AI, but I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to write songs and make music. I would do it small time, I wouldn't mind starving and working at Starbucks or whatever and if I happened to "make it big" that would be fine and it would be because the Lord opened a door. ... maybe I have never shared this dream with anyone but Ben... It sounds so stupid to me now. Ya know, like the kid who stands in front of the mirror with a hairbrush singing with (in my case Steven Curtis Chapman and Point of Grace) .... please do not judge me... I'm totally looking away right now.

Anyways, that whole thing with Kris Allen happened when I was first pregnant. I knew at that point any last hope of having that life was probably gone. I wasn't going to do that to a kid. The Lord had led us to that place, we had laid aside birth control, I knew I was supposed to be married to Ben, it was all clear.

Since then I think I have struggled with feeling like I'm not doing anything big.

No one sees what I'm doing, I'm not doing what I do best (I'm a terrible house cleaner, I struggle a lot with inefficiency) I haven't done much art since becoming a mom.

Lord, You see all of this. You see my lack of contentment. I feel like I'm complaining and just asking why in the world am I doing all of this?! But Lord, if no one saw what I ever did, only You saw it, all of my serving will be worth it. If I never created another thing, but only did menial tasks from now until I died, but did it for Your glory and for You, it would be worth it. It would be far better than doing beautiful artwork before thousands of people. Your delight in me, is of such greater value.

Help me not to seek my own glory. That's what I want, I want my own glory and praise, not Yours. Help me to seek Your glory. Make me humble. I am so sorry that I have not been depending on You and looking to glorify You. Help me, I am weak.

Thank You that You are strong.

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