Thursday, April 11, 2013

The Struggle

Sometimes I just don't want to blog. This is one of those times.

How do I process all these thoughts and why in the world am I posting them? I think it's just to get it out. You know when something is just eating you up inside and if you would just confess it, it won't bother you any more? This is one of those times.

Lately I've just been wanting to eat as much sugar as possible. I was doing so good for a while there, eating lots of whole foods, raw fruits and vegetables, cutting back on sugar and meat, just doing good. I was feeling good too, which [should be] the reason why I would eat healthfully. It's not to be skinny... it's not to be skinny... I don't want to be skinny (I keep saying that to myself, hoping it will sink down into my spirit, how I've been lied to all my life). Why is it that our culture glorifies the skinniest? Why is it that when I look at my perfectly healthy self that I am upset over my belly or my arms or something else that might not be perfectly toned or tiny? I'm saying this, because I am currently struggling with it. Maybe it's the warmer temperatures and not being able to cover up as much, suddenly I'm seeing everything I could be less than pleased with.

I was stupid the other day and stepped on a scale. Maybe I would be feeling this way even if I hadn't stepped on it. The thing about the scale though is even if you are "winning" you will see the lower number and think, hey, I've been doing pretty good, I could kind of loosen up a bit. Then it becomes this whole mental battle of, well, maybe I could eat this now or what about this, when really, I don't even need to be wasting my mental energy thinking about that right now. It doesn't matter how many pounds I weigh. It doesn't matter. What matters is if I'm a good mom or a good wife. It matters if I'm a good friend. It matters if I am spending time in prayer for others or thinking about how I can improve my home or reading the Word of God... those are the things that matter. Not a number on a scale. That makes no difference.

Lately I haven't cared about eating for energy, it's just been on the basis of, do I deserve this emotionally?

Lord, bring me back. I have been going to food for comfort. When I get tired I haven't been asking You for strength, I've been daydreaming about chocolate kisses. I've been indulging in lesser things. I am sorry, I was wrong. Help me, I can't do this on my own. I'm too obsessed with how I look and what others think of me. I want to honor You in my eating. I want to honor You in my life. Help me to honor You even when I don't feel like it. Right now I just don't feel like it, but help me not to be led by my feelings.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

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