Friday, April 19, 2013

My weakness, His strength

Okay, so I have never wanted a tattoo before. Never. I hate needles. I never really wanted anything permanent like that, my grandpa would show me his tattoo and tell me never to get one because it's there for the rest of your life. My parents discouraged them... whatever.

I want to get a tattoo.

There you go, I said it.

I'm going to admit to a little bit of peer pressure on this, just to be fair. Several of my friends including Debbie and Katie (shout out) have talked about the awesomeness of tattoos. Thank you friends, you are who you hang out with and I'm grateful for these ladies and many more who have had influence over me. I'm also thankful that they love Jesus as much as I do. :)

Lately I've been struggling. Mainly with depression and out of that has stemmed struggles with food and the desire to eat my feelings. Last week... I think it was Wednesday... was a bad week. It started out with a draining weekend that led to an exhausted Monday. Have you ever had those weeks where it had only just begun and you were ready to quit? I HATE those weeks. I called Ben and told him about everything that the kids had done and how hard my life was and how difficult it is to stay at home in this craziness. He was exhausted too, so he had nothing to give me.

I was struggling with anger. Anger that I was in this situation and anger that I could hardly communicate with the outside world because every time I would pick up my phone my kids would grab at me or suddenly need my full attention or just want to hold this precious electronic device. I just wanted to send my friend a text or make a phone call.

It felt like I was moving through molasses.

On Wednesday afternoon my kids woke up early. I hadn't gotten any housework done, dinner was far from prepared, I had squandered my time on Facebook, it was cloudy and threatening to rain all day... sometimes I just want to yell at the sky to just get it over with, please just rain and get it over with.

That afternoon as my children were whining and needing me at every turn I had thoughts of, "I just want to die." Thoughts of "I hate my life." At one point Levi needed a bandaid because he found my haircutting scissors and cut his fingernail so short that it was almost bleeding. I remember sitting in the hallway putting on his bandaid with Aria looking on. I looked into their little faces and thought, "I have the most precious, beautiful gifts and here, I'm struggling with hating my life? This is ridiculous."

When Ben came home I told him about all my thoughts swirling around. Through tears I told him I was sorry I didn't get the laundry done and the house was a mess and that we were heating up leftovers for dinner. He just looked at me and said, "Jody, it's okay. It's okay that those things didn't get done. The kids are still alive and taken care of and that's all that matters."

That night I went to worship team practice. I was so thankful to have that outlet to go be with adults and play music for a few hours. I confessed my struggle to them and asked for prayer. My friend Barb prayed and it was just a sweet time of crying out to God, we were all crying by the end of it.

That evening something broke inside of me. I realized that life is not about me and my wants and my needs, it's about looking to the Lord and taking joy in Him.

I've started to realize that "the joy of the Lord is my strength." When I am drained and tired and things are not going how I want them to go, it's not about how I'm feeling, it's about taking joy in the Lord. It's about looking to Him and declaring that God is good and loving my kids in that place. I don't have the strength to love them, but He has strength to give me.

I want to tattoo "the joy of the Lord is my strength" Nehemiah 8:10 on my arm. I keep writing it on there and thinking, I need some kind of indelible ink or something. Will I get this tattoo? I don't know honestly, Ben and I are still talking about it. But I think more than anything I want a reminder of how good God is, even in my weakest times.

If you have any advice or comments about me getting this tattoo, do they hurt? are they expensive? would I regret it? Feel free to give me any kind of advice. I reserve the right to reject it :)

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