I wanted to start out by apologizing for any incoherent thoughts that may appear in this post. I haven't been sleeping a lot.
Happy two weeks Simeon!
The final weeks of pregnancy drag on forever. These weeks are about to fly by.
Lord, help me, I don't know how to write about this stuff or even if it's worth writing about. I feel like I've had all these thoughts pass through my brain and I just wonder if I can make them all sound okay.
Adjusting to three.
This week has been my first week on my own. Monday I kind of walked around as though on eggshells, waiting for something to explode, waiting to be overwhelmed or break down into tears or something like that. It went amazingly well. My mother in law helped me survive the library (the kids were getting bored of our books) and then came over later that afternoon and helped distract the kids while I cleaned and then picked up the rest of the house with us.
Tuesday I went to my Bible study with the three kids. The real challenge was getting them through the 23 degree weather into the church and then back out again.
People brought us dinner or had us over every night except Wednesday. Wednesday I actually cooked. We had taco salad.
Wednesday was also the day when I almost had a breakdown.
Let me explain. Levi hasn't napped all week. Yikes. I've been implementing "quiet time" in the afternoons. For one hour he has to stay in his room and do quiet things like play with his cars or read books. The only thing is that I think he has been needing a nap. But he is resisting sleep in the afternoons big time. Then, he comes out from his quiet time and he's a bit of a beast. He gets crazy and irrational and all I want to do is spank him until he stops this ridiculous behavior. That's when I see the sin in my own heart. My anger is boiling to the surface because he's not doing what I want him to do.
That afternoon was a really bad case.
At one point I remember texting Ben and asking him to pray.
Another time I sent Levi to his room and I went to the window and just cried out to the Lord, "What in the world am I supposed to do?"
Can I just say that the Lord's mercies are new every second? It's not just every morning or every day. It's every second.
At some point that afternoon Levi had my phone. It was locked, but he has figured out how to access my iTunes. He started to play the Rend Collective Campfire album and honestly, I usually don't like my kids to even touch my phone, but that afternoon I let him carry it around the house. He was just listening to the music and enjoying it. It's my favorite album right now (probably why it was cued up) and it just lifted our spirits. It got us through.
Now, am I going to hand my kid my phone every time he is upset? No way. But, I do feel like it was something that the Lord allowed in that moment to just minister to him and to me. We were singing and dancing to the music and it was just good.
Lord, Your mercies are new every second. Help me to remember that at 3 in the morning when I'm struggling to go back to sleep after nursing. Help me to remember even when my kids wake up from naps early or we are struggling to get out of the house on time. Your mercies are new and You help us when we cry out to You. I am poor and frail as a mom. Lord, so many times I have no idea what I'm doing with a newborn, with a two year old and with a four year old. Please lead me Father. I need You every second.