Monday, January 6, 2014

39 Weeks, Oh My

I'm now 39 weeks and a few days pregnant. 

Time to blog. 

What is life like right now? It's hard. Uncomfortable. Anxious. Annoying. 

It's so strange to think that my due date is Thursday. All this time I've been telling everyone January 9th and now, it's just Thursday. I'm due Thursday. 

However, Ben and I have no high hopes that this baby will be here by then. We know that Aria's labor and delivery was past schedule, so that's what we are expecting for this one. I keep making plans and try to hold nothing tightly.

It's been an emotional week. I"m chalking it up to being pregnant and all the hormones that are surging through my body. Maybe also the lack of sleep. I seem to consistently wake up throughout the night and It's been difficult to go back to sleep starting around 3 or 4 am. So, I've basically been up since about 3 this morning with maybe a few naps in the later hours. 

Yesterday morning I got really angry at Ben. We had a miss communication and then I blew up in front of the kids. It was not a pretty moment. I felt terrible. Then I just cried, and got mascara all over Ben's shirt. 

I've pretty much cried every day for the past week. Mostly, I think it's exhaustion. 

This morning as Ben was getting ready to go to work I broke down again. (why am I talking about all of this? Who the heck wants to read all of this?!) Anyways, I think it was just from being awake for most of the morning and already feeling defeated and it was only 8 am. I get worried that I won't be rested if I suddenly go into labor, then I will have another exhaustingly long labor like I did with Aria. 

I think I finally realized that I've been trying to just do it all myself. 

I think I can pull myself up by my own bootstraps. It's up to me to get enough sleep, up to me to get my kids going, keep my house clean, fix meals, do the laundry... 

But really, it needs to be up to Christ. 

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Lord, I am struggling with fleshing this out. My emotions take over, my fears take over, my exhaustion and humanity take over. I need You. Oh how I need You. Every hour I need You. You are teaching me to depend on You in this frail time and I've been ignoring You. Incline my ear to You. I am weak, but You are so strong. I give these next weeks to You and ask that You would teach me to walk in utter dependence on You. 

Thank You for Your faithfulness. 

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