Do I want to be overdue? No way.
Do I want to endure another natural childbirth? Heck no!
It looks like I've gotten myself into quite a predicament. I don't really want to do any of these things, but here I am, doing them.
Just had to write out a few things that have happened this week:
- My brother and sister in law left with their sweet kids to go to Thailand
- Aria turned 2
- A tree fell in our front yard due to an ice storm on Simeon's due date.
- I got pinkeye, then Levi got pinkeye and an ear infection
- We all had colds
… so maybe it's a good thing that we haven't had him yet.
Maybe I have a bad attitude because I haven't dilated at all. Every time I go to the Dr. he says that Baby Simeon is still really high and that I've had no progress. "You mean, none of this tightening, none of this pressure means anything?" Maybe that's the discouraging part. If I wasn't feeling anything, then I would just think, okay, that's fine, I understand. But, I have felt some things and I do feel a lot of pressure, and then to know that there's nothing really going on is kind of like a punch in the gut. I understand, it's not his fault that I haven't progressed, but really, can we please just get this show on the road?
I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb. That will go off very slowly. Very, very slowly.
The good thing about surviving one natural birth is that you can actually anticipate the depth of the pain you will experience. I feel like I'm mentally building up this expectation of unimaginable pain. Anything I feel right now as a contraction is basically a piece of cake.
Looking back on Aria's birth I want to just rest. I think that's the main thing that was lacking in that scenario. It was such a build up of anticipation. Can I VBAC? Will my body be able to do this? I wanted everyone to be there, it was full of drama and the unknown. I wanted things to happen and for some reason I feel like I forced things to happen. I don't know if that's possible, we will see.
I want this birth to be quiet. I want to just let things happen. I want to rest a lot. Walk when I need to and not push myself so hard. I want to not be afraid of pauses in my labor, but just to take things as they come. I want to just try and relax as much as I can into the pain, and just let things happen.
Lord, I pray that this labor would be shorter. I pray that it would be soon. I don't want to go to the Dr. again on Thursday. I pray that You would give me strength. Help me not to be afraid. Help me to remember that in the end, I get to hold a sweet baby boy. Thank You for the beauty of childbirth. Help me to remember Your Son on the cross and the pain that He endured to bring life into the world.
Something I've been trying to wrap my head around is this: It was because of sin that women bear a curse as we bring life into the world. Jesus took on that curse, took on our sin and died so that abundant life could come to us. He had the ultimate labor and delivery, my pain is but a shadow of this curse that He took.
You are faithful Lord.