Today has been a "funk day" ... You know those days when nothing seems to be going right? Or maybe it's just that I have had this overarching feeling of, well, sourness. Note the word: feeling. Yeah, so I don't want to be directed by my feelings, I know that this is wrong, but today was not such a good day.
I kept thinking, I need to get away so I can figure out what I am so angry about. I kind of held onto that angry feeling. I knew I needed to be cheerful on the outside and deal with Levi in love. I knew I needed to be grateful to Ben because he is freaking taking his whole Saturday morning to do our taxes, what a diligent man I have for a husband. I kept telling him I was proud of him. But at the same time I had this anger knawing at the back of my mind. Is that weird or what? It must be hormones. They are probably playing some kind of a role. Maybe it's also fatigue. I realized yesterday that I got no breaks. No breaks. Either Levi was up or Aria was up. Chores all morning and screaming children all afternoon. Then Ben and I were to go on a date, so we dropped off Levi and took Aria with us to the restaurant. Our plans of walking across the little bridge and watching the sunset were foiled because we didn't leave the house soon enough, so we just ate in the car. Then Aria woke up and started crying. We decided to drive back to Ben's parents house, we should have taken her out and nursed her in the car (while parked of course) because she didn't stop crying until we got there. I am crying even now as I think about this and how frustrating it is to have your first free conversation/date with your husband in a while and how it just kind of falls apart.
I was so tired when we finally got home.
Sometimes you are just so exhausted that you are just numb. Trying to think is impossible. Trying to discipline is even worse.
This morning in my quiet time I was reading the scripture and just suddenly assaulted. Shame and guilt from things I have been forgiven of, freed from, came hurtling back my way. I kept thinking "Stop! Stop! Stop thinking about this stuff, it's over, it's done." And yet those stupid feelings just rise up all over again. The problem is that I didn't fight back. Ephesians says that Satan has flaming arrows that he shoots. It also says that we have a shield of faith that extinguishes them. Faith in the cross, faith in God that He has forgiven and He no longer looks at our guilt and shame.
I wasn't putting up my shield of faith. I wasn't putting on my belt of truth. I was just putting up my measly little hands and crying, stop! Closing my eyes and hoping to stop hearing.
Well, the kids are in bed, Ben went out for a bike ride and I just had to start praying. Lord, what is this heaviness in my soul? Why are you so downcast O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
That's when I realized... all those lies that had been poured out on me this morning. My fatigue. My holding onto these feelings...
Lord, take these things. You are far greater. You say, "Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laiden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you shall find rest for your souls." Matt 11:28
So here I am, coming. I lay these burdens of children and marriage and all the past guilts and shames at Your feet.