Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Craving Dessert ... maybe in a bit of an unhealthy way...

I've decided to get back on the blog bandwagon. Maybe it's that renewed sense of purpose or something...

Mostly I just want to share what I'm learning/struggling with.

I have a tendency to post a lot about weight loss. I don't mean to be obsessive (I've struggled a lot with this in the past, I think I have kind of an obsessive personality) I just want to share the new baby steps to freedom and looking at food and dieting in a healthy view.

If this were a twelve-step meeting I could introduce myself: "I am Jody and I'm a perpetual dieter." Thank you. I have learned the best way to fight this problem in my life is to just stay away from dieting all together. Today I was remembering this stuff called Super Dieter's Tea. I saw it in the store the other day and thought, do people still buy that stuff? If you haven't tried it I'm just going to warn you about what it does. The first time I had no idea what it would do to me, so let's just say I was naive. The second and third times I knew exactly what it would do to me, so we will call that stupid. Or desperate.

You basically fix yourself a nice cup of it (with Splenda of course) and wait about three hours. Then your bowels will seize (at least that's what happened to me) and you won't be able to get off the toilet for about an hour. Every time you do get up you will immediately have to go back. It's not fun but I can see how it works. Yeah.

Okay, that's not what this post is about, just thought I would share that lovely experience with you... as a warning.

So I swore off dieting. You can read about it in my series The Redemption Of My Physical Body and how God redeemed years of crash dieting in a way I didn't think imaginable. I'm just standing in awe of what God has done and how He has changed my view of food, exercise and just my body in general.

I am now trying to work off the 50 pounds I gained with my second pregnancy. Aria is now seven months and I still have about 10-15 pounds that seem to be hanging on. Honestly, when I used to hear women complain about needing to lose this small amount of weight I would be like, "Come on! You have no idea what it's like to try to lose 60-70 pounds!" So, if you are in that boat, I can understand why you would be thinking, "Yeah, yeah, stop complaining about those few pounds." So here's where I'm at: I'm totally grateful that I've lost a whole bunch of weight. Life is easier and I have a tendency to like my body more now that I'm significantly skinnier. I could totally stay at this weight and be perfectly content for the rest of my life. I'm not going to complain about weighing this much. So, I'm not complaining about my size. How do I say this? I would just be able to fit better into some of my clothes, I might have a bit more energy, I would probably be healthier in general if I could lose this last little bit.

OKAY, way too much time spent on that one.

So I've decided to cut out sugar for a bit. Not every bit of sugar in my life (I don't know if I could survive without it in my morning coffee) but maybe it's more like, no more desserts... (for now). No more handfuls of chocolate chips in the afternoon, no I don't need that cookie or pastry or bowl of ice cream. Crap, now I'm going to be so tempted...

I have realized that this is something that takes all of my self-control. Last night there was nothing more I wanted than to sit with Ben, watch a TV show and eat a bowl of ice cream. Nothing more. It's like every cell of my body was screaming for it. (I'm not lying).  I asked Ben if he felt the same way. I had been planning it all afternoon, hoping for it as I was dealing with kids... this, this is when you know you are addicted. Doesn't it sound like an addiction? Now that I write it out, it sure does.

So I think I just need to take a step back. I'm not swearing off of carbs or anything like that. I just need to take a step back and ask myself what I am hoping in. What am I looking forward to in the evening? If I don't have a dessert is it still a good night? Often what happens is that I go ahead and eat the dessert (still wanting more, why am I being so transparent?!) but then when it comes time to lay my head on the pillow I wish I hadn't eaten it. I don't want to live with regrets right now.

Lord, in You is life and life to the full. You are the fullness of joy. Help me to depend on You and not on what I can eat that will be yummy. You have given us good things to enjoy, but I don't want to make those things an idol. Thank You for this struggle with my weight. Thank You that I have to do heart check ups like this. I can't do this without You Holy Spirit. Please help me to live by the Spirit so that I will not gratify the cravings of the sinful nature.

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