As a parent, things never really go according to plan.
Of course, if you don't have kids you could roll your eyes at me and say, "Yes, Jody, this is part of the human experience. We live in a fallen world, plans are made to be broken." Okay, I'll get off of my drama train. But, I just have to say that babies/children make this reality even... well, more real.
(please excuse my grammar today, I didn't sleep much last night.)
My last post was about getting up numerous times with babies. I want to just say that I don't think this whole no-sleeping thing is normal in our lives... in general. I'm praying this post doesn't get interrupted by a child waking up too early from their nap. The afternoon nap is the oasis of a mother's day. It's quiet, you can think, but as soon as you start to take it for granted a baby suddenly starts crying. If you have ever read a post that felt like it ended abruptly, that was why.
For some reason, the lack of sleep is affecting me much harder today than it did on Tuesday. I kind of zombied my way through my walk (in the rain) then home, then through breakfast and a shower. I made a to do list. I had grandiose ideas of vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, scrubbing toilets, putting away laundry, but every time I would go to do something I would just end up staring into space, forgetting what I was doing. (Seriously, even on menial stuff). So Levi and I fixed some eggs. He wanted milk but I told him since he was up coughing last night (I sat in his bed with him and a cough drop and a glass of water for about 30 mins) he needed to drink some apple cider vinegar and honey instead. He fell on the floor screaming and so we had to have some discipline. Can I make the excuse that I don't get anything done because by the time we are done disciplining for whatever it was I forget what I was doing too? I wander back into the kitchen.
What does all this have to do with weight loss? I realized today that I spend most of my time in my kitchen and I see food ALL THE TIME. It's right there. I open up my freezer to get some ice and I can see the ice cream staring at me. I open my pantry and are some yogurt covered raisins or some cheez its (keep in mind, we also have healthy things like fruits and vegetables and whole grains, but those things don't call to me like the other stuff does.) For some reason this stuff was YELLING at me today.
I think in my mental state I just wanted to eat. Maybe it would help with my fatigue, maybe it would just help me to feel better in general. Because let's be honest, food feels GOOD. It feels good for a few seconds and then it's all over and I need some more because it's not the short-term satisfaction that I need, so I just have to keep going and going.
Okay, I'm going to go to a really honest place right now. That's what I do, this is who I am.
I am really struggling with my body image right now.
Ouch, I don't like to say that.
The way I am starting to see my body is the way I used to see it a long time ago. I was just stuck at this undesirable weight and there was no way I was going to change it. I am much lighter now, but not quite at that place I was before I became pregnant with Aria. Maybe this is the struggle of women who think, "If only I could go back to the size I was before... I got married... I had a baby... I went off to college... I went on that crash diet... " just fill in the blank. I don't think this is a healthy mindset because we can never really go back. You cannot reverse time, you can only go forward and start anew.
I have been comparing myself with other women and falling up short.
I have been secretly satisfied to see other women who never struggled with their weight suddenly struggling (this is so wrong and I hate this about my sinful nature, it's one thing I hate about social media, in that you can almost ... I don't know, I feel like I'm spying on people to see if they are succeeding or failing sometimes. I don't know. I probably just lost like 20 readers...)
I had to stand in front of the mirror the other day and just out loud thank God for my body. Out loud just thank Him that I have the ability to walk, to exercise, to bear children (I have many friends who are struggling with fertility right now). I had to thank Him for the clothes that He has provided for me. I haven't bought clothes in more than a year because people have just given them to me, it's amazing.
Lord, I just want to lay all of this at Your feet.
I want to confess my desire to take my frustrations out on a bowl of ice cream and not take them to You. Please keep an eye on my heart in this area. You are the giver of true freedom. Thank You that all food is clean and I don't need to demonize it. Help me to choose the good things You have given.
Help me to love my kids. Even after a rough night of interrupted sleep and tired, cranky little ones, help me to just love on them. Help me to love my husband and not complain to him. I feel like I have a spirit about me that sometimes says "You have NO IDEA what I go through all day and it is HARD!" But it's not about how hard my work is or how hard his is, it's that I'm called to carry my load in You and he is called to carry his.
Thank You for my body. Thank You for forming my inward parts. Thank You for making me fearfully and wonderfully. Thank You for the privilege of bearing children, they are a gift. I remember looking at Aria yesterday and thinking, she came out of my body. Oh how I remember that day and the struggle and anguish that led up to it. Thank You for her. Thank you for Levi and how having him changed my life, changed my body in ways for the BETTER, that I was lighter and healthier after him than I had been in a long time. Thank You for the miracle of breastfeeding and the humility and difficulty that it is.
I could go on. But I won't.
I'm just going to leave it at that.