I've had lots of fake conversations in my head lately. The kind of conversation you wish you would have had or one that you know you are going to have later or something. I hate those. I mean, it's okay because I'm kind of sorting out my thoughts. But they kind of come on at 5 o clock in the morning when I don't want to think about anything.
Lots of things are rolling around in my head right now. I need to straighten things out... or I just need to let the Lord straighten them out for me. Yes, that's a much better idea.
I know that the Lord is speaking to me. Yesterday I was on a city bus here in San Francisco for about two hours and just seeing people and hearing from the Lord.... I was crying because I had tried to seek him earlier (kind of tried, not really) by opening up my Bible and trying to read. (The Bible has been kind of difficult for me lately, for reasons I can't explain here) and later that day I got on a bus and rode it the whole way. I saw all kinds of people, mainly lower class though. It was beautiful and intriguing and heart breaking. I think to see people who are just real, just struggling and not trying to put up any kind of front. Seeing little babies made me miss my own, seeing the driver wave at everyone we passed by, watching an elderly man in a wheel chair be loaded onto the bus, the teenager with the book get on and just solemnly stare straight ahead. I knew the Lord wanted me to come on this business trip with Ben, I knew God would speak to me intimately, but I had no idea how.
I've been pretty torn up lately and I still need to have conversations and prayers and stuff, but right now my conversation is with the Lord.
It is good to feel small.
It is good to feel helpless.