I don't know what it was about today. Maybe it's that we just got back from a trip, maybe it was that I didn't sleep much last night. Maybe it was the weather...
How do I explain this? It was just a day to cry. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good. Definitely this morning as I was reading in Revelation 5 I was just weeping with the knowledge that Jesus is the one who has redeemed us from our sins. Just read that chapter and be blown away. He is the lamb who was slain, he is the only one who is worthy. I want to live my life in awe of this fact. Nothing else really matters. I am longing for the day when we will stand before Him and worship Him in person. Lord, let me live my life in light of that day. Let me not get caught up in the temporary trappings of this world. I don't want to be bogged down with "things" and money and trying to get ahead. I don't want to be bogged down with how I look or how nice my house looks. I want to live my life for the eternal kingdom. Please help me Lord.
I don't know what it was for the rest of the day. ... Honestly, I didn't sleep much last night. I had an anxious dream, not necessarily disturbing, but just anxious. I didn't sleep much from the time we went to bed at 10 until about 2. That time whenever I don't take an ambien is like I'm just dozing and waking up. I took 4 melatonin, I put lavender essential oil on, I put on a blend called Peace and Calming... I listened to a guided relaxation... it's just stupid. So my brain just refuses to go into my REM cycle until probably about 2. I often wonder why I get in bed before then. Maybe then I wouldn't get into my cycle until 6, ha ha! There's also the fact that I have a baby the size of a bowling ball in my belly and have to sleep on my side (I'm totally a back sleeper, not the stomach, not the side, back all the way.) I also didn't want to make Ben sleep in the other bed last night since he didn't get to sleep in it all week. He stole the covers and twitched a lot. It kind of ticks me off. I asked him how he slept last night and his response was "Like a rock" ... at least one of us did. It's good because he has a lot to do at work in the next few weeks. It's just hard when it's 1:30 in the morning and you get woken up because your husband turned over. Why can't I sleep through that stuff?! And then I am mad because he interrupted my sleep.
All that to say, I just had this cloud around me today. I didn't know if it was hormones or what. I kept asking the Lord to help me. You know when all you can say is "Jesus, please help me" as you fold the laundry that you are just in need. So many times I told Him I couldn't do this by myself. I'm 34 weeks and with a two year old and I'm just exhausted. He's become a very willful two year old too. All two year olds are willful, I know Levi can be pretty obedient sometimes, but many times it feels like if I'm not right on top of things a situation can spin out of control.
I took a short nap and that helped a lot. I think my body wanted it to be a lot longer, but I don't need to take a huge nap right now. I fixed myself a cup of decaf coffee (sometimes that tiny amount of caffeine helps).
Lord, help me. I want to have a joyful spirit. Protect me from the lies of the enemy that say that I am hopeless and a failure. Please give me strength that only You can give.