I so don't want to blog right now.
But I always want to blog at the most inopportune times and this happens to be an opportune time. Really, I just want to have a bowl of ice cream. If you read this blog much you will see that this is a re-occuring struggle.
Sometimes when I want to overeat (usually when I'm alone, maybe this is why we need community so badly??) I come up with all kinds of excuses. It's interesting because this has been kind of a "gross" day. You know those days when you look at yourself in the mirror and you're like, I am so fat and gross and look at my belly, every time you look down you just feel like maybe someone will think you are pregnant or you yell at yourself for not doing more sit ups and crunches? Okay, maybe I'm the only one who does that, welcome to my head.
So all day I was thinking about that and then tonight after I got the kids in bed I started to think about how I wanted a bowl of ice cream and I started to rationalize. It doesn't really matter... I'm a lot skinnier than I used to be... I'll lose weight eventually... I'm really tired... I deserve this...
I'm so glad I'm blogging right now, it's kind of in the heat of my struggle. It's always when I'm alone.
Now that I sit here and think about those thoughts I realize that they are just lies. Maybe they come from within me, maybe they come from the pit of hell, it doesn't matter. They just need to be seen for what they are and they need to die. Usually when they come into the light it kills them... like a zombie... I think.
I find myself in this cycle of not being quite as healthy as I want to be. I do okay because I'm active and I do eat vegetables and fruit, but still, I eat a lot of sugar and things that are not good for me. More than anything, I think I just spend too much time thinking about it. I also spend too much time hating on the body God has given me. I also spend too much time comparing and contrasting myself to others.
Lord, I want my eyes to be off myself. Help me not to go to food with my feelings. Help me to discern the lies that keep me weighed down with guilt and fear and all kinds of just... well, junk. Help me to love others and see them as more important than myself. This is really what Christ did. He walked in humility and valued those around him far more than himself or the food in front of Him. Help me to be like him. "Who being in the very nature of God did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of sinful men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Phil 2:6-8 I'm in awe of Christ's example. Thank You for it.
Teach me to live in You.