Ben left today on a surprise business trip to Seattle. When he told me a few days ago that he might have to go I was actually pretty optimistic about it. It won't be too bad, the kids will be difficult but I can do anything for a short period of time.
And then he up and got called and the next day he had to leave. You'd think we were in the military or something... But we're not.
This morning was so dreary and wet, it probably just made things worse. The weather tends to have huge effects on my emotions... I hate that. Can I please live where it's always sunny? That way I won't struggle with depression? Oh well.
I was just having a pity part for myself. Struggling with the fact that I wouldn't get to see him at the end of the day. Struggling with the fact that he wouldn't be near or home for lunch and I would have to take care of the kids and somehow get them into bed. It was really just one big, fat pity party. I called him to tell him about it on the way to our mom's group at church.
I realized in that moment that I was wrong. Who was I to be feeling sorry for myself? I have it so good. My husband is actually around most of the time. I wasn't being grateful. I could see so clearly the sin in my own heart. How it comes from deep down inside of me and says, "I have a right to be here!" but really, it's just my own pride. If only I could kill my pride and walk in humility. Lord, teach me to be humble. Teach me to be humble as Jesus was humble and took the form of a servant and was nailed to a cross, not for his own sin, but the sin of the world. For my sin. Jesus, I need You to reveal this in my heart.
Nap times didn't turn out the way I wanted them. As soon as Levi fell asleep, Aria woke up. Needless to say, it was not the most relaxing afternoon. I struggled with a lot of anger.
Finally, I was laying in bed with Levi trying to just get him to go to sleep. If only he would just relax and go to sleep. I realized I just need to make a list of what I am thankful for.
So, here is my list. These are the things that God has given me, I deserve none of them but all were freely given in love.
- Good health. No one is sick right now (aside from some occasional snotty noses).
- A warm, comfortable, beautiful house. I too often see the inadequacies of my house, or I despise it for being "too nice" when really, I just need to get over myself and be thankful for it.
- A loving husband (these are in no particular order of course) who doesn't look forward to leaving us for another city. He misses us, he empathizes with my struggles when I call him. He is a good, strong, loving man. Oh how I miss him!
- My vacuum cleaner, dishwasher, washing machine, dryer ... all of these things helped me today. How often I forget what kind of work I would be doing without them.
- Good friends. Especially tonight with our small group over, I have got to say that I love them. I love the community of people God has given us. Given US! They love the Lord, they have a desire to serve, they are honest with their sin, it's just good.
- My children. Why in the world am I putting them so far down on the list?! They are some huge gifts. Aria is almost walking. The only problem is that right now she just wants to get up and run! We watched her so much this evening get up and fall down again. I hope my faith is as persistent as her desire to walk. Levi, sometimes I don't know if I want to kill him or if I just want to laugh my head off. Mostly I just want to laugh. He poured a pitcher of water onto the table and created lake eerie. He's ridiculous. What would I do without him? Lord, help me to mother him as You have called me to mother him.
Help me not to worry about what other people think of my parenting and whether or not they think I'm a "good parent" because that doesn't matter. What matters is what You have called me to do for my child, You see my actions done in secret, You know every thought and motivation of my heart. Let me remember that.
The list should be so much longer. But really, I just need to go to bed. I'm praying the kids sleep in so that I can have some time in the Word.