Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Thoughts on Motherhood

Yesterday was a bad day.

How do I even start this blog post? I want to give enough detail but not get bogged down. I struggle with that in storytelling.

At the end of the day (which was like 5:30) Levi hadn't napped, Aria napped longer than usual, I was angry at myself for allowing Levi to do this, frustrated with him having every excuse for getting up, angry that I had not been fully present as a parent and aware what was going on instead of randomly checking Instagram or Facebook or whatever was convenient. Angry that I could not just cook in my usual contemplative silence, frustrated with Levi at every turn... All I wanted to do was post on Facebook how my day was going, I wanted to call Ben and tell him how lucky he was that he got to work with reasonable people all day. I wanted to have a big, fat pity party. But I couldn't because a three year old kept asking me to play cars with him.

And so I played cars with him. I played so well that he didn't want me to stop (I do really good voices). But what I really wanted to do was cook dinner. I wanted to cook all by myself. I wanted to listen to a podcast or a sermon while I cooked. I wanted to enjoy myself.

This did not happen.

A few months ago I posted about baby superstition. I have also come to believe (and this is completely ridiculous I know, if you have children you might be able to sympathize) that if you have a plan, or if you expect something they will not do it. Yesterday Aria didn't wake up at 2:30 or 3:30 like she normally does, she woke up at 4:30! And she was so happy I could have left her in her bed until 5 I'm sure.

I remember thinking to myself as I'm trying to unload the dishwasher and get ready for dinner: my life is psychotic. I am going to go insane because every plan becomes thwarted and I have to adjust. I constantly have to expect the unexpected, I have to be extremely flexible.

This thought led me to an example our pastor used on Sunday. He said a study was trying to figure out why graduates from Westpoint made up the majority of CEO's and what was it about the school that made them trend to that. The first year the students learn to obey. They obey everything their authority tells them, if they tell you to duck, you duck. If they tell you to run, you run and so on. But the second year they teach them to be flexible. He said they live in such a chaotic environment where plans change and they have to be so adaptable to change that they could do anything.

So maybe someday I will be a CEO. :)


But what I do think is that this is a time of training. I am learning obedience to God. Every turn, every path must be in obedience to Him. I am also learning flexibility. Oh how I hate learning flexibility. But I really do think that I am developing nerves of steel. I can feel it as I swallow the yell that was about to come out of my mouth or the frustrating sigh I was going to heave in front of my three-year-old (I do not always swallow these things, so don't you dare think I'm perfect in this). I realize how much I have in common with a three-year-old and how when things don't go my way I want to scream and fall on the floor.

Help me Lord. I can literally feel you refining me sometimes. Holy Spirit, please continue to speak to me. Teach me when to hold my tongue. Teach me when to speak. Please give me the calmness You use with us. Thank You that Your mercies are new each morning. Thank You that my faith is being refined in You. Less of me, more of Thee.

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