Friday, October 5, 2012

Am I Being Too Critical?

Okay so I'm struggling.

This is not a post about mothering or weight loss or anything like that. This is about something I probably don't talk about much on here but is very much a part of my life. So, humor me if you will.

This is a post about my faith. More specifically about worship, worship styles, worship leadership and my struggles for a desire to see others genuinely worship God.

As a preface I recently learned this about myself: I have a hard time with people not doing things just as I would do them. I have this filter, this grid for how things should be done rightly and if it's not just so, if it's not absolutely right then it must be wrong. This is good when it comes to things that need to have hard lines on them such as believing in Jesus, theology, things like that.

Lord help me to explain myself in a way that honors You... and not me.

Someone emailed me and asked if I knew a certain song so I looked it up on You Tube. I watched a video that I will not name and was... well... saddened I guess. Don't ever look at video comments, they are stupid.

I guess I struggle, not necessarily with the lights and the concert feel of modern day ... I can't think of a word, worship venues? I don't know. I maybe struggle more with the person that I am watching behind the microphone. Or I am struggling with the musician. Maybe I am just being judgmental. I'm just going to come out and say it, I am judgmental. I'm really sorry about that.

I am a worship leader. ... Can I run and hide now? Am I the pot calling the kettle black? Maybe I am too afraid (I keep typing and deleting here) of offending someone (honestly, I'm not afraid of offending someone, I just don't want to feel like I'm offending someone, geez I hate my life).

Okay, maybe what I'm trying to say here is that it has a disengenuious feel to it. This whole "worship music" thing. It feels like a performance. It feels like man is singing more for himself than for God. It feels like we are all trying to look and sound cool and sound and act just like the world.

Why does something in my spirit just get a twinge of uneasiness when I hear lyrics like, "I know you love me" or "come into my heart" or "you've got a plan for me" ... is God someone who can be told what to do? I don't know, it feels like this big, touchy-feely kind of love song thing. Now, there's nothing wrong with us telling God we love him and those lyrics are true, but it feels strange when those are the only lyrics sung over and over and over again.

Lord, am I wrongly frustrated? Am I overly critical? I genuinely want to know. Are we dumbing down lyrics because we don't know the whole truth? Are we shallow in our Christianity?

All these things are my struggles. I need help Lord.

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