Monday, October 22, 2012

Skin Deep

It's 9:54 on a Monday night. Why do I suddenly feel so inspired to blog?

Maybe it's because I'm home by myself tonight.
Maybe it's because I just ate a big bowl of ice cream.

Too many of my posts include ice cream. Geez.

Ben went out to play games with the guys. I think it's really great because his opportunities to fellowship with other men seem to be fewer than mine. I am glad he can do that. The only problem is the when he is going to be gone I'm like, "Yes! I'll have some ice cream! And a big bowl of it. And no one will be there to raise any eyebrows!" ... Actually, Ben would probably be fine with me having a big ole bowl of ice cream. We might watch a television show together and eat it.

But these thoughts bring me back to my old days.

[I used to look forward to being alone so that I could just eat whatever and however much I wanted to eat. The sad part is that I didn't need to eat those things. I thought they would make me happy, but they didn't.]

It makes me wonder if I'm healed and free and whole in that area.

Will I ever be healed and free on this earth? Maybe not.

I had to go in and comfort Aria a few minutes ago and as I did I was thinking about my body. Thinking about how I might never be satisfied with it. I was thinking about how once I feel like I've lost enough weight I'll probably get pregnant again and then as you get older your metabolism gets worse and ... before I reach panic mode I just want to remind myself that it's not important. What I look like is not important.

Whether or not people see me and say, "You look so great!" doesn't matter. Lord, help me with that, I get so caught up in what I look like and how I appear to others, I forget that You are more concerned with my heart.

As I was sitting there with Aria I thought about how in different moments throughout the day (depending on how I feel and what mood I'm in) I will resolve to starve myself skinny, no matter what. At other parts of the day I will think, who the heck cares?? I will just eat and be happy. I was thinking about how my heart is so fickle. I can be so easily swayed.

The foolish man built his house upon the sand. The wise man built his house on the rock.

Lord, help me to flee from the sands of this world. You are my rock and my fortress. Help me to see the things that matter. Help me not to pursue the things that don't.

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