I know, who the heck blogs on a Saturday night? If I were actually cool I would be doing something... well, cool.
I guess I just wanted to write down some thoughts.
I just finished picking out and trying on what I am going to wear for church tomorrow. It's going to be an early morning and I'd rather not be trying to decide with the clock ticking behind me and me panicking because I'm late and nothing fits right.
I think I'm plateauing... I'm not sure how much I weigh, but I don't really think that matters. What matters is whether or not things fit. I guess I'm frustrated that it's starting to become fall weather and I still can't fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans. These are the jeans Ben bought me for my birthday two years ago. Levi was one year old then and I had been nursing at the time. I think I weighed around 150 pounds, and they were a nice fitting size ten. There. I put that out there. But I figured I might as well talk in specifics. Last I weighed myself I was 152 (this surprised me because I thought I was more). The only problem is that my size ten pants are not quite fitting. I mean, I could wear them if I wanted to, but it wouldn't be comfortable and I'm seriously just over wearing stuff that won't allow me to breathe. I'm over it.
It's in these moments when I'm like, why haven't I done more sit ups? Why did I have that piece of birthday cake and the three slices of pizza as well as those chips and some other odds and ends today? Why haven't I drank more water, why have I decided to eat a couple (yes, a couple) of spoonfuls of peanut butter in the afternoons? Just all kinds of little whys add up to one big... you can't fit into your jeans yet!
Now I'm not going to be too hard on myself because Aria will only be 9 months next month and I didn't get those jeans until Levi was a full year. So, I'm not going to beat myself up too badly.
BUT I have been hovering at this weight for a while and I think it's just plain frustrating.
It's good that I'm blogging about this because as I am writing I am coming to the realization that it's okay. It's gonna be okay. Plateaus are fine, they are probably good... good for your body to be adjusting gradually and sometimes it just needs to catch up to itself. I don't need to be constantly losing weight, it's going to be okay. Whew....
I think this is more motivation for me to be more careful next time as I am putting on the weight. That I don't need to use the excuse, "oh I'll just lose it all later!" and use that as my get out of jail free card. I need to just walk by faith and be obedient to the body that God has given me and eat what I need to eat.
I don't need to be looking around me at what a friend can eat and get away with, I don't need to be digging into the ice cream because my husband can (which he often does) I need to be faithful with what God has called me to be faithful with: my own body.
Lord, help me as I try to figure out this muddled, messed-up process. Help me to lay aside the ways and thoughts of the world. Help me not to get caught up in looks and clothes. Help me to be pre-occupied with what You want me to do and not with food. Help me to run to You with my cares, worries and fears. You are my portion, I have put my hope in You.