When Ben and I were dating, well, it was kind of like word vomit all the time. I had decided a long time ago that whoever was brave enough to date me would know every nook and cranny of my life. I think that's why our dating and engagement was so short because we KNEW each other so well. I mean, it wasn't like the first date I lined out perfectly all my struggles past and present and every mistake I ever made, but literally two weeks into it we shared with each other late one night on my parents' front porch our deepest, darkest sins. We both had to sort out and forgive each other of these things, we got to process them up front, from the beginning and encourage one another in them. We were driving in the car one time and I was like, "Do you want to know how much I weigh?" I wanted to know if he would accept me at this weight I was at. He responded that it didn't make any difference to him what I weighed, that wasn't why he liked me. So I told him. I weighed 5 pounds MORE than he did. And he's 6 inches taller. I put it out there and it didn't change his love towards me ONE BIT. It was good to just have everything on the table. I hear about how couples learn so much about each other after they get married, or find out secret things or may not even know some basic things and they have known each other for YEARS, this is incomprehensible to me. I guess I could see how that would happen, but still there is a level at which I just simply don't understand.
I think this honesty with Ben has allowed me to be okay with sharing the ridiculous things I have done. If I can share them with my soul-mate, my life- partner, my husband and he will still love me, then I can share them with anyone.
I remember struggling with buying a wedding dress. I talked about struggles with clothes in this post. Since meeting Ben I had lost some weight, but was still fairly ... big. I mean, maybe had about 30-40 pounds in my opinion. I remember just dreading it. There was no way I was going to buy one of those big white dresses. I wanted to get married, yes, but I didn't want to have everyone looking at me. I didn't want people judging my choice of dresses, I didn't want that pressure. So, I told Ben. And he said, "Jody, don't wear a dress for anyone else, just wear it for me. Remember that you are my bride and I want you to wear white just as we wore white the day that Christ bought us as his bride, so you are symbolizing our relationship with him." There was no arguing with that.
I decided that it would be a no pressure thing. So I took my little sister and we waltzed into David's Bridal on a Tuesday morning. The store was empty and I told her what kind of dress I wanted. I didn't want a veil (probably mostly because I'm cheap) I just wanted a dress with straps (there was no way I was going in there with my football shoulders with a strapless dress) sleeves if possible because I hated my arms, no long train, or not too long, and this was my size, I don't care if it's bigger or whatever, I'm not defined by a number on a tag.
I loved the first dress I tried on. Kelsey and I had a blast just making fun of the bridesmaid dresses that were on display, the undergarments, dancing in front of the mirrors, etc. I'm so thankful for her as my sister, I don't know what I would have done without her. :)