For as long as I can remember I've had a bad sweet tooth. I look at all the sugar I've eaten in my life and it is only by the grace of God that I am not diabetic or at least hypoglycemic. Salty things, yeah, I could eat them and enjoy them, but rich sweets, oh man, I can literally feel my blood sugar spiking as I think about them. And they pretty much taste amazing.
So, this has been my stumbling block. Offer me chips, yeah, I could turn those down. Bread? I'll pass... but a bowl of ice cream? Or cookies? That will be my downfall. The miracle of it now is that I have experienced more freedom in these past few years than in a long time. I believe that is only because of diligent prayers and the leading of the Holy Spirit.
When I couldn't think of anything else to do, I would eat. In general, this isn't a healthy way to just "pass the time" ... when I was stressed or depressed, I would eat. I thought that my taste buds could comfort me. I unreasonably thought that this delicious food, and large amounts of it would bring me peace. In fact, they brought me just the opposite. They brought me pain and regret. Okay, just last night, JUST LAST NIGHT I was not feeling very good, I knew I needed to clean the kitchen, we had some chocolate chips in the pantry, so I thought they could help me as I cleaned. I dumped some out on the counter and ate them as I went along. Now, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with chocolate chips, they are fine, they taste great, God made them to taste great... but afterward I remember thinking that they didn't help anything. I felt sort of sick after putting them in my body (not REALLY sick, but just not good). I started to think about how this effected my attitude. Old feelings of failure came back without me even really knowing it. Somewhere below the surface a little voice was nagging at me.
Again, I want to reiterate the fact that eating sugar is not a sin. Eating it to fill a void is. Does that make sense? I want my priorities to be right, I want to depend on God, not on food.
The difference between last night and several years ago is that several years ago I would have proceeded to eat all the junk food in our pantry and would not have stopped until much later. Steps to freedom are small, it's two steps forward, one step back. In the Psalms it says "though he stumble, he will not fall." Talking about us walking with God. It's like we are holding His hand and we are these little toddlers walking along. There are some cracks in the sidewalk and we may stumble, we may even scratch our knee, but God never lets go of our hand. We will not fall because He is holding us. His grace saves.
There is still more to my story, I'm just praying about how and what to share. If you have questions about struggles or anything like that, feel free to email me or comment or something like that.