I want to thank everyone who has been so encouraging to me in this. You're the reasons why I have been able to be so faithful in my writing (pretty much daily). Thank you for your words, they mean so much to me.
I don't know why I went through the things that I went through or struggled with sin as much as I did. The human side of me wants to tell you "wait, I'm really not that bad, I still read my Bible and pray and I was a leader in our campus ministry and church..." But our righteousness is as filthy rags. This is why I'm a Christian as opposed to a Muslim or Buddist or Hindu, it's because of the salvation of Christ. I could never blot out my own sins, only the blood of Christ could do that. He washes me white as snow and I am now holy and pure before Him. So when I write about these things that I did in my flesh they are true, but God, who is holy, does not see them. When He looks at me all He sees is the purity of Christ. This blows my mind. That is why I have the ABILITY to be so honest here. That is why I don't care what you think. Not in a way that says "Nah Nah, I don't care." and sticks it's tongue out. But in a way that is honest in saying, your opinion of me does not matter. You are dead in your transgressions and so am I. But, if you trust Christ for your salvation you will be made clean and the only Righteous Judge will see us and allow us into His throne room.
I just had to say that.
I want to be really honest on here. If you don't want to hear my honesty, you can stop reading now. I would say that I had an eating disorder. If I could have thrown up I would have. Praise the Lord that I was never physically able to do so. I do remember trying some kind of tea from Wal-Mart (high quality, I know) called "Super Dieter's Tea, if you haven't tried this, then don't. It claimed to help dieters with extra energy. What it did, well, the only thing that I remember it doing was giving me intense diarrhea. I remember drinking it and then an hour or two later feeling my intestines seize and I had literally maybe 10 seconds. It was so painful, it was like my body was saying, I really really don't need this. Amazingly enough I tried it several times. Each time thinking that I could control it, maybe it would help me "cleanse" my system, but each time it was painful and felt... wrong. The world of eating disorders is a sad place. It is a hopeless place that is full of fear. Fear of being found out, fear of gaining weight, fear of not being beautiful. I look at the way I treated my body and I'm amazed that today it actually works properly. Well, semi-properly. :) I can't eat grapes, grapefruit, raisins, craisins and a few other foods without getting really bad gas. I think that came from eating too many of those things on an extreme diet I tried.
The more I think about it the more I see the truth in what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 10:23 "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is constructive. God declared all foods clean and good for food. But not everything that I put into my body is beneficial for it. I'm learning to eat what my body is craving, not my mind. I'm learning that certain foods make my body work better, but to eat a piece of cake is not a sin. To eat a whole cake because I am looking for it to fill the emptiness in my heart is a sin. This is mind-blowing to the regular dieter. I cannot tell you how many times I would go "off" my diet and then go back "on" on Monday. "I'll start over after this party, after I eat this bag of chips, this box of Lucky Charms, this carton of ice cream." ... the list could go on and on. The problem with that is my HEART.
Colossians 2 and 3 hit me so hard: Why do we submit to these worldly rules of do not handle, do not taste, do not touch? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts (our desires) on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds (our motives) on things above (on pleasing Him, worshiping Him), not on earthly things (body image, food, clothes). For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
Okay, so I added the parenthesis :) I would encourage you to go to these passages and memorize them, ask what God is speaking to you specifically through them. God gives us freedom, but we need to turn our hearts and our minds towards him and away from the world.
I feel like maybe I just preached a sermon. I'm sorry if you feel "preached at" these are just things that my stubborn heart has had to learn the hard and long way.
Thank you for taking part.