I started to think: I don't really want to post this stuff. Not online... Is this even okay? But I think I have been wanting to share it for a while, so it needs to come out. Do you ever feel that way about blogging? You go about your whole day thinking, I really need to talk about this or write about it, but then when you get in front of your computer it's like something gets drained out of you? Yeah, that's how I'm feeling right now.
Well, I guess I can continue the story. Again, note that this is a web, I will try to make it clear chronologically where I am, but I make no guarantees.
As I finished my senior year and went on to college I still hadn't lost weight. I had gradually continued to gain it actually. Probably by the time I got to college I was about 10 pounds heavier, I don't really remember. Let me just make a note here and say that I'm not going to disclose as much numbers that I weighed a certain amount or anything because I feel like it would allow in a spirit of comparison. Like if you are reading this you will think "oh, she only weighed that much" or "wow, she weighed a lot!" ... it's to sort of leave it up to you personally, I don't feel like the Lord puts a number on us and says, you should weigh this amount. We are the humans who invented pounds and measurements, but I think God weighs our HEARTS. This journey is about my heart and where it was. My body was the outward manifestation of my sin, it showed the consequences like a neon sign.
So I came into college with a hope for newness. Contrary to the norm, I found that I often ate healthier in the cafeteria than normal. Salads were always available and the fact that other people were around made me conscious of overeating. I wanted to lose weight and I think I lost a little, I was getting more regular exercise, but would find myself overeating in front of movies in my dorm room on the weekend. It was like I had this gravitational pull towards food. When I couldn't think of anything else to do I would eat. It was what made me feel good. So I began to pray about it more and more. I would have times of walking in freedom and victory, and then I would easily fall back into it. I also used exercise to deal with the overeating. I would literally almost hurt my body with the amount of exercise. Then I would eat as little as possible. I wanted the quickest way out of the weight. This of course would last for about 4 days and then I couldn't take the starvation anymore and I would binge. I cannot tell you how many times I did this throughout college. It was like the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.
Throughout this time I thought it was impossible for a guy to like me. I had never really dated anyone in high school, and now in college it was like I couldn't imagine a guy liking me. Maybe there were, but they were ... I don't know... losers? I really always thought that I attracted guys like this. Never a decent, nice, good-looking guy. A guy who loved the Lord, who I was attracted to... I don't know. Now that I think back, there were a few guys, but it didn't work out.
Anyways, the main thing is that I saw myself as worthless because of my weight.
The summer after my freshman year I went on a music summer project. The two most instrumental things I got out of it were having a personal quiet time with the Lord every morning. I have been consistent ever since. The second was meeting my friend Sara. She was in my band and sings amazingly. We are still friends to this day and I love her dearly. What was interesting about that summer is that I was over here struggling with this overeating and closet eating. She struggled with her weight and body image as well, but I saw her really live out the principles of the Weigh Down Workshop (which I mentioned in my last post) of eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full. I watched her lose weight that summer and saw a freedom from food. Maybe she would have a different story, but I remember thinking back to that time and her closeness with the Lord and watching her have a right relationship with food ... and maybe even being envious of her... But more than anything, wanting that freedom.
All along it was as though God was calling me to trust Him.
"No God, it's okay, I've got this one. You can take care of more important things like future careers and guys and all that stuff, just keep the world spinning, but I don't really feel like giving up control over this little thing right here, it's okay, I've got it."
God is good, in that He doesn't just strike you down with lightning.
It's by His mercy that we are walking around today, messing up, falling on our face, turning back to Him and starting anew. His mercies are new every morning.
That's all I can post for the moment. I'll write more later.