I am officially 39 weeks. It's 3:22 in the morning and I'm 39 weeks. On the 29th of December. If Aria decided to be born today she would have the same day of the month as Ben's birthday in November and our wedding anniversary in March. I think she's going to be one to make her own way though. :)
I had to get up and eat something. I think I could have gone back to sleep were it not for the gnawing my stomach. I will be very excited when I can JUST sleep. A lot of moms out there are laughing right now.
I feel like I have remained pretty physically fit. I've been forced to be more on top of things here at the end, making sure I am getting exercise, resting, doing yoga, trying not to eat too many sweets (very very difficult during the holiday season, not cool.) I think that has helped contribute to the fact that I'm okay with where I am. I was walking the other day and yeah, my pelvis was kind of hurting, it wasn't the easiest thing to breathe, but I was just thinking about how "used" to being pregnant I am. I feel like I have been pregnant forever. This lends itself to the feeling that you WILL be pregnant forever. I kind of feel like this is an okay mindset for now. I think if I look so forward to getting her out of me that the days will drag by, I just need to keep chugging along, praying, enjoying life, enjoying my family, enjoying my husband (while I still can) because a new baby is coming and she is about to be completely dependent on me in every way.
I remember being surprised at how much I was just needed by Levi. Even when he didn't technically need me I still felt the responsibility for him. I was still recovering from the surgery and that was difficult and took a toll on my body. I wonder what it will be like to recover from a vaginal birth. I have heard horror stories and I have also heard awesome stories. I'm assuming each woman is different. I am also going to assume that it depends on how fit you were during your pregnancy... maybe how much you exercised and ate right, how well your baby was positioned and how smoothly your labor went.
I'm praying that all this yoga, chiropractic work, pelvic rocks, squats, passing up sweets, drinking lots of water, eating lots of fiber, relaxation exercises will pay off.
We shall see :)
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 26
Aria, will you come in 2011 or 2012? Only Jesus knows :)
Been feeling light contractions, not sure if they are doing much. My appointments have been pretty much like, "Yeah, you're probably not gonna have this baby today." Meaning no dilation. I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm not getting my hopes up. There's something totally mental about birthing and opening up and I don't want to defeat myself, you know? I want to keep imagining that she will be late (this might be a mark for the rest of her life :)) just taking her time and then everything will be beautiful. Who knows?
I'll be thirty nine weeks on Thursday. Aria, I love you already, I am excited that you are almost here. I can't wait to hold you and feed you and just cuddle with you on my chest. I am excited about having a tiny little precious baby to just have. I know you will cry... A LOT... but I'm okay with that. I know it's difficult to be born into a cold, harsh world. I know you have been warm and safe inside my womb and have had the perfect amount of nourishment without having to feel hungry. But believe me, we will both be glad you came out.
There's something I want to tell you. You are being born into a fallen world. That's why this whole process of you coming into the world will be painful for me. You won't remember the pain, but I'm sure I will. We are all sinners, we are all fallen. I am fallen, so is your daddy and even though we love you desperately we will still mess things up. Here's something else you should know, you are already fallen. You will never get it right. There will always be a hunger in your soul, there will always be a struggle with your selfishness and pride. I'm really sorry, I wish it wasn't that way. So many days I wish it wasn't that way...
The most incredible thing is that God provided a way. He is all powerful and yet He decided to come down in the form of a helpless little baby, just like you. Except He wasn't born in a nice hospital, He was born in a stable and dirty, smelly shepherds came to meet Him. He loves the lowly, the ones this world likes to reject... remember that. But there were angels who were rejoicing when He came. This God, He will amaze you. Then He lived among us humans. He was hurt by us and saddened by our fallen, selfish hearts. He loved us desperately. He loves you desperately. So much so that He endured the most brutal punishment for our sake, a death on a cross. I will tell you about it someday when you can understand. He did this so that you would not be fallen any more. If you choose to come into His Kingdom then you get to be His daughter. Wow. This is far greater than being our daughter, let me just tell you. :) He will always know just what you need. He will always provide for you. He will allow you to go through struggles, but He is going to be right there with you. Let me just tell you, this is the best thing ever. I want to weep as I write this because I am thinking of all the difficulty and the joy and peace He has led me through. I pray that for you. I pray that you will see your need for Him. I pray that you will give yourself wholly and completely to Him. He is worth every bit of it.
In His presence is FULLNESS of joy
At His right hand are pleasure forevermore.
But God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
God so loved this fallen, broken world that He gave His one and only Son, that WHOEVER believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.
Whom have I in heaven but You? The earth has NOTHING I desire besides You.
My heart and my flesh may FAIL, but God is the strength of my life and my portion forever.
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me."
I love you Aria, I am praying for you.
Been feeling light contractions, not sure if they are doing much. My appointments have been pretty much like, "Yeah, you're probably not gonna have this baby today." Meaning no dilation. I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm not getting my hopes up. There's something totally mental about birthing and opening up and I don't want to defeat myself, you know? I want to keep imagining that she will be late (this might be a mark for the rest of her life :)) just taking her time and then everything will be beautiful. Who knows?
I'll be thirty nine weeks on Thursday. Aria, I love you already, I am excited that you are almost here. I can't wait to hold you and feed you and just cuddle with you on my chest. I am excited about having a tiny little precious baby to just have. I know you will cry... A LOT... but I'm okay with that. I know it's difficult to be born into a cold, harsh world. I know you have been warm and safe inside my womb and have had the perfect amount of nourishment without having to feel hungry. But believe me, we will both be glad you came out.
There's something I want to tell you. You are being born into a fallen world. That's why this whole process of you coming into the world will be painful for me. You won't remember the pain, but I'm sure I will. We are all sinners, we are all fallen. I am fallen, so is your daddy and even though we love you desperately we will still mess things up. Here's something else you should know, you are already fallen. You will never get it right. There will always be a hunger in your soul, there will always be a struggle with your selfishness and pride. I'm really sorry, I wish it wasn't that way. So many days I wish it wasn't that way...
The most incredible thing is that God provided a way. He is all powerful and yet He decided to come down in the form of a helpless little baby, just like you. Except He wasn't born in a nice hospital, He was born in a stable and dirty, smelly shepherds came to meet Him. He loves the lowly, the ones this world likes to reject... remember that. But there were angels who were rejoicing when He came. This God, He will amaze you. Then He lived among us humans. He was hurt by us and saddened by our fallen, selfish hearts. He loved us desperately. He loves you desperately. So much so that He endured the most brutal punishment for our sake, a death on a cross. I will tell you about it someday when you can understand. He did this so that you would not be fallen any more. If you choose to come into His Kingdom then you get to be His daughter. Wow. This is far greater than being our daughter, let me just tell you. :) He will always know just what you need. He will always provide for you. He will allow you to go through struggles, but He is going to be right there with you. Let me just tell you, this is the best thing ever. I want to weep as I write this because I am thinking of all the difficulty and the joy and peace He has led me through. I pray that for you. I pray that you will see your need for Him. I pray that you will give yourself wholly and completely to Him. He is worth every bit of it.
In His presence is FULLNESS of joy
At His right hand are pleasure forevermore.
But God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
God so loved this fallen, broken world that He gave His one and only Son, that WHOEVER believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.
Whom have I in heaven but You? The earth has NOTHING I desire besides You.
My heart and my flesh may FAIL, but God is the strength of my life and my portion forever.
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me."
I love you Aria, I am praying for you.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 25
Well, my neck is aching. I think it's from sleeping on my side.
Christmas is in just a few days and tomorrow I will be thirty eight weeks. I'm officially more pregnant than I've ever been. The strange part is that I'm totally okay with that. Yes, I want her out of my body soon, I want to hold my little girl, but I really feel like I want this to be a good labor. I want to experience what it will be like to go into labor naturally and what my body will do as she comes out.
Which brings me to a very important subject: natural childbirth. It's interesting when you say that you want to have your baby naturally and the reactions that you get. I haven't heard it as much with this pregnancy but with my first one people were always telling me "Just wait until you actually experience labor..." It's just a little bit discouraging. Epidurals are all the rage I guess. It just kind of stinks to be told you're too weak for this. That's all I'm saying. So really, if you are one of those people who says stuff like that, you have no idea what you are saying to a vulnerable mom. If you are a woman who has had an epidural and have "been there" ... I'm just going to say this and I'm going to try to say it as diplomatically as I can: just because you got an epidural or pain medication, I don't know what your circumstances were, doesn't mean that you need to project that on other women. I'm not saying it to tell people to shut up, but I just feel like we need to encourage one another and not drag each other down. If this is a woman's heart cry that they want to TRY for this, don't tell them they will need pain medication. Just tell them you think that's awesome. ... I don't know if that makes sense. I don't want to be offensive and that's not my intent, but I just feel like we are too quick to give advice and forget that listening ears are in a vulnerable place.
Yes, I doubt my ability to withstand massive amounts of pain, but that doesn't meant that I need to be told that I will "need" an epidural. I think I just want to be encouraged to go for it. Women have been giving birth for thousands and thousands of years without medication and they have all lived. I also understand that if I want this to be a successful VBAC then I need to try to do this as naturally as possible (more motivation for me). I'm sure there will be things that I don't expect and surprises down the road, but I want to try to just accept it and deal with the pain as best I can.
Okay, I just had to say that.
I've been practicing relaxation techniques and doing yoga and using essential oils to help get my mind focused on relaxing as much as possible during labor. The best thing to do during contractions is not to push up against them but to just relax through them. I know this a little bit because I did experience labor with Levi. Maybe the part that I'm most concerned about right now is when I get further along. I only made it to a 3 with Levi but he was breech so I didn't kick into hard, steady contractions because his head wasn't engaged. Right now I know that Aria is head down and I'm praying she stays that way. I'm praying she will be anterior facing and we won't have trouble with that positioning either. So many things to worry about... but I don't want to worry.
I want to just be. I want to dwell in the moment and just enjoy this pregnancy for what it is, a beautiful time of creating a child. I'm praying that I will have the willingness and flexibility to just continue.
Right now my main goals of the day are to exercise and then to rest. :) I'm trying not to eat too much sugar, I did just have a big bowl of ice cream though, so that might not be the best :P I always eat worse when Ben isn't here. He's at worship team practice running sound.
Thirty eight weeks tomorrow...
Christmas is in just a few days and tomorrow I will be thirty eight weeks. I'm officially more pregnant than I've ever been. The strange part is that I'm totally okay with that. Yes, I want her out of my body soon, I want to hold my little girl, but I really feel like I want this to be a good labor. I want to experience what it will be like to go into labor naturally and what my body will do as she comes out.
Which brings me to a very important subject: natural childbirth. It's interesting when you say that you want to have your baby naturally and the reactions that you get. I haven't heard it as much with this pregnancy but with my first one people were always telling me "Just wait until you actually experience labor..." It's just a little bit discouraging. Epidurals are all the rage I guess. It just kind of stinks to be told you're too weak for this. That's all I'm saying. So really, if you are one of those people who says stuff like that, you have no idea what you are saying to a vulnerable mom. If you are a woman who has had an epidural and have "been there" ... I'm just going to say this and I'm going to try to say it as diplomatically as I can: just because you got an epidural or pain medication, I don't know what your circumstances were, doesn't mean that you need to project that on other women. I'm not saying it to tell people to shut up, but I just feel like we need to encourage one another and not drag each other down. If this is a woman's heart cry that they want to TRY for this, don't tell them they will need pain medication. Just tell them you think that's awesome. ... I don't know if that makes sense. I don't want to be offensive and that's not my intent, but I just feel like we are too quick to give advice and forget that listening ears are in a vulnerable place.
Yes, I doubt my ability to withstand massive amounts of pain, but that doesn't meant that I need to be told that I will "need" an epidural. I think I just want to be encouraged to go for it. Women have been giving birth for thousands and thousands of years without medication and they have all lived. I also understand that if I want this to be a successful VBAC then I need to try to do this as naturally as possible (more motivation for me). I'm sure there will be things that I don't expect and surprises down the road, but I want to try to just accept it and deal with the pain as best I can.
Okay, I just had to say that.
I've been practicing relaxation techniques and doing yoga and using essential oils to help get my mind focused on relaxing as much as possible during labor. The best thing to do during contractions is not to push up against them but to just relax through them. I know this a little bit because I did experience labor with Levi. Maybe the part that I'm most concerned about right now is when I get further along. I only made it to a 3 with Levi but he was breech so I didn't kick into hard, steady contractions because his head wasn't engaged. Right now I know that Aria is head down and I'm praying she stays that way. I'm praying she will be anterior facing and we won't have trouble with that positioning either. So many things to worry about... but I don't want to worry.
I want to just be. I want to dwell in the moment and just enjoy this pregnancy for what it is, a beautiful time of creating a child. I'm praying that I will have the willingness and flexibility to just continue.
Right now my main goals of the day are to exercise and then to rest. :) I'm trying not to eat too much sugar, I did just have a big bowl of ice cream though, so that might not be the best :P I always eat worse when Ben isn't here. He's at worship team practice running sound.
Thirty eight weeks tomorrow...
Monday, December 19, 2011
Stuff I am learning part 2
I hate trying to name my blogs. I always look up at that "Title" line with resentment. I have never really liked naming songs I wrote or poems... usually the more important the thing is the more difficult it is to name... I'm not even going to try to talk about naming children. Maybe I just have some sort of paranoia of the permanency of a name.
Oh well.
I'm trying to really find a place in the Word to rest and study. It's been difficult because I don't always have time to sit and read. I learn stuff when I read, it's good, but it doesn't feel like huge, deep lessons, maybe as it has in the past, you know?
I want to be wise.
I want to be ready for when Christ comes.
I don't want to waste my life.
I want my heart to be right and true.
I want to love God with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength. I want Him to be the reason why I wake up every morning and the reason I keep persevering through the day. I don't want to miss what He is saying. I want to be aware of the fact that He is right there with me, listening to what I am listening to, seeing what I am seeing... The thing is, He knows my heart as well. There are no acts I can put on for Him that deceive Him into thinking I'm this really great person. He sees right through me. Scary to think about.
This morning I happened to read this. Probably because my Bible just flipped open to it.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own son in the likeness of sinful man to be a SIN OFFERING. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do nt life according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1-4
What?! Jesus gave Himself up so that I (me, with my wrong motives and sinful heart) would be covered and the law would be fulfilled in me? He made me look like I had done everything right while he became a sin offering?
Lord, help me to live my life on my knees in light of this today. I am in awe.
Oh well.
I'm trying to really find a place in the Word to rest and study. It's been difficult because I don't always have time to sit and read. I learn stuff when I read, it's good, but it doesn't feel like huge, deep lessons, maybe as it has in the past, you know?
I want to be wise.
I want to be ready for when Christ comes.
I don't want to waste my life.
I want my heart to be right and true.
I want to love God with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength. I want Him to be the reason why I wake up every morning and the reason I keep persevering through the day. I don't want to miss what He is saying. I want to be aware of the fact that He is right there with me, listening to what I am listening to, seeing what I am seeing... The thing is, He knows my heart as well. There are no acts I can put on for Him that deceive Him into thinking I'm this really great person. He sees right through me. Scary to think about.
This morning I happened to read this. Probably because my Bible just flipped open to it.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own son in the likeness of sinful man to be a SIN OFFERING. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do nt life according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1-4
What?! Jesus gave Himself up so that I (me, with my wrong motives and sinful heart) would be covered and the law would be fulfilled in me? He made me look like I had done everything right while he became a sin offering?
Lord, help me to live my life on my knees in light of this today. I am in awe.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 24
Preparation...
Yes, trying to be prepared for this new little life to come out of me. Preparing our house, preparing my body, preparing our time and schedule... I tried to nap today and I did for a little bit, but it wasn't as long as I would have liked it to be. I was up again last night from about 3-5:30 then woke up at 6 to tell Ben to get up. :) I was able to go back to bed until about 7:30 when I was forced out of bed by Levi's cries to get out of his crib. If only I had a child who slept until 8 every day. He's usually up by 7 but sometimes it's earlier, sometimes later.
It's definitely more challenging to be pregnant and have children, that's for sure. I'm trying to count my blessings in that I'm probably getting a good amount of exercise by chasing him around, picking him up, things like that. I was reading the other day about how a little bit of stress during pregnancy is good. I'm wishing I could go on more walks but time and energy keep alluding me. I think the best time I could go on a walk would be in the afternoon when Levi is napping. But I'm not going to leave the house with him alone and sleeping in it, as tempting as that is.
I'm still doing yoga at three in the morning when I wake up in the middle of the night.
I'm knee deep in laundry, washing adorable little clothes for Aria some friends have given me. I feel so blessed. Girl clothes are so different than boy clothes... everything is pretty or cute... I love it. It's like she's surrounded by beauty from her first moments in life. In a way I guess we are training them to love pink and hearts and flowers. I'm thinking about how different she will be from Levi and how she might want to wear dresses and tutus and have dolls and just all the little feminine things. I'm really looking forward to that.
My neck is still hurting and my lower back often hurts after a long day. I think she's definitely dropping. She's head down and loves to kick and press her little legs against my abdominal muscles. I'm very excited about the fact that she's head down and always paying attention to when she wiggles around. It's crazy to have a separate being inside of you. Not that I have huge amounts of control of what goes inside of me anyways, but it's like she just decides that it's time to exercise when I would like nothing more than to sleep. This is why I didn't get much of a nap today.
Everything else is looking good. My doctor approved my birth plan, with the exception that if Aria is not handling contractions that I would stay monitored just to make sure she's okay. I can totally understand that and I am okay with it.
I have been practicing/listening to guided relaxation CD's, I'm not sure I did this much with Levi, but I really enjoy them. I hope they help my labor... I think they will.
I have a few more things to do this afternoon, so I will get going. I can't wait to share Aria's birth story on here... maybe some pictures too. :)
Yes, trying to be prepared for this new little life to come out of me. Preparing our house, preparing my body, preparing our time and schedule... I tried to nap today and I did for a little bit, but it wasn't as long as I would have liked it to be. I was up again last night from about 3-5:30 then woke up at 6 to tell Ben to get up. :) I was able to go back to bed until about 7:30 when I was forced out of bed by Levi's cries to get out of his crib. If only I had a child who slept until 8 every day. He's usually up by 7 but sometimes it's earlier, sometimes later.
It's definitely more challenging to be pregnant and have children, that's for sure. I'm trying to count my blessings in that I'm probably getting a good amount of exercise by chasing him around, picking him up, things like that. I was reading the other day about how a little bit of stress during pregnancy is good. I'm wishing I could go on more walks but time and energy keep alluding me. I think the best time I could go on a walk would be in the afternoon when Levi is napping. But I'm not going to leave the house with him alone and sleeping in it, as tempting as that is.
I'm still doing yoga at three in the morning when I wake up in the middle of the night.
I'm knee deep in laundry, washing adorable little clothes for Aria some friends have given me. I feel so blessed. Girl clothes are so different than boy clothes... everything is pretty or cute... I love it. It's like she's surrounded by beauty from her first moments in life. In a way I guess we are training them to love pink and hearts and flowers. I'm thinking about how different she will be from Levi and how she might want to wear dresses and tutus and have dolls and just all the little feminine things. I'm really looking forward to that.
My neck is still hurting and my lower back often hurts after a long day. I think she's definitely dropping. She's head down and loves to kick and press her little legs against my abdominal muscles. I'm very excited about the fact that she's head down and always paying attention to when she wiggles around. It's crazy to have a separate being inside of you. Not that I have huge amounts of control of what goes inside of me anyways, but it's like she just decides that it's time to exercise when I would like nothing more than to sleep. This is why I didn't get much of a nap today.
Everything else is looking good. My doctor approved my birth plan, with the exception that if Aria is not handling contractions that I would stay monitored just to make sure she's okay. I can totally understand that and I am okay with it.
I have been practicing/listening to guided relaxation CD's, I'm not sure I did this much with Levi, but I really enjoy them. I hope they help my labor... I think they will.
I have a few more things to do this afternoon, so I will get going. I can't wait to share Aria's birth story on here... maybe some pictures too. :)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 23
It's 3:49 in the morning and I just finished a 20 min yoga session. Do I do this on purpose?
Absolutely not.
This might be helpful though for getting me ready for 2 am feedings... there's always a bright side.
Right now I am really wishing my neck would stop hurting. I think tomorrow I'm going to ask Ben to rub it as hard as he can. Usually when he does that it is extremely painful but the results are amazing. My stiff muscles go to putty, I keep thinking while he is rubbing, "This is a good thing, I am going to be so glad after this is over." Maybe this is more preparation for childbirth. I'm sure I will be thinking that throughout the birthing process. :)
I also realized during this yoga session that I was hungry. Only in pregnancy does your body wake up in the middle of the night and decide that it is hungry. Only in pregnancy are you forced to satisfy that hunger or else you will be just lying in your bed, awake, trying to talk yourself out of the fact that you are physically hungry... "I can't be hungry, that's ridiculous, all I have done is sleep for the past 4 hours, I wasn't hungry when I went to bed, I don't need to eat anything, I've already gained plenty of weight..." the list goes on and on. When really, all you have to do is get up and have some cereal, let it go down and sit for a minute and then your body graciously allows you to climb back into bed and go to sleep and you wake up hungry again in the morning. It's kind of amazing I guess if you think about it. It's like your body is building this little body inside of you and realizes that it needs some more fuel and wakes you up to let you know.
So, that's when I blog. It's now about 4 so I should be heading to bed about now. Maybe a little more stretching and maybe a bit of reading. That's enough of the blogging :)
Absolutely not.
This might be helpful though for getting me ready for 2 am feedings... there's always a bright side.
Right now I am really wishing my neck would stop hurting. I think tomorrow I'm going to ask Ben to rub it as hard as he can. Usually when he does that it is extremely painful but the results are amazing. My stiff muscles go to putty, I keep thinking while he is rubbing, "This is a good thing, I am going to be so glad after this is over." Maybe this is more preparation for childbirth. I'm sure I will be thinking that throughout the birthing process. :)
I also realized during this yoga session that I was hungry. Only in pregnancy does your body wake up in the middle of the night and decide that it is hungry. Only in pregnancy are you forced to satisfy that hunger or else you will be just lying in your bed, awake, trying to talk yourself out of the fact that you are physically hungry... "I can't be hungry, that's ridiculous, all I have done is sleep for the past 4 hours, I wasn't hungry when I went to bed, I don't need to eat anything, I've already gained plenty of weight..." the list goes on and on. When really, all you have to do is get up and have some cereal, let it go down and sit for a minute and then your body graciously allows you to climb back into bed and go to sleep and you wake up hungry again in the morning. It's kind of amazing I guess if you think about it. It's like your body is building this little body inside of you and realizes that it needs some more fuel and wakes you up to let you know.
So, that's when I blog. It's now about 4 so I should be heading to bed about now. Maybe a little more stretching and maybe a bit of reading. That's enough of the blogging :)
Monday, December 12, 2011
Poured out
I woke up this morning thinking about being "poured out" I think it's in Colossians where Paul talks about being poured out like a drink offering, maybe I am wrong about the place, but I definitely remember the thought.
I've been reading in Matthew and came across this verse: Then Jesus said to his disciples: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." 16:24-25
He goes on about gaining the whole world and yet losing your soul. I look around at the culture I live in and that is what I see. We have gained the whole stinking world, but we have for sure lost our souls.
I often want thanks and recognition for what I have done, but really, that's a bunch of junk. Lord, help me to be okay with being poured out, emptied, persecuted...
Right now it's "Help me to be okay with laying my body aside." I am at those final stages of childbearing where it becomes really tough physically. Breathing, moving, sleeping... I have a tendency to complain about these things. But Lord, this is my sacrifice right now, help me to lay down on the altar and give up myself for You. Help me to give up my life for this little child inside of me as she develops and grows. Help me to lay myself down as I go through the pain of labor, the hardships, I want to be a living and holy sacrifice. Greater love has no man than he who lays down his life for another. Maybe that's what this whole birthing/childbearing process is about... it's the beginning of living a life of sacrificial love.
And someday this little one inside of me might break my heart... in fact, the likelihood of that happening is very great. Lord, this is getting very personal. Help me to love as You have loved. Maybe I will know an inkling of what You have experienced for my sake.
I've been reading in Matthew and came across this verse: Then Jesus said to his disciples: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." 16:24-25
He goes on about gaining the whole world and yet losing your soul. I look around at the culture I live in and that is what I see. We have gained the whole stinking world, but we have for sure lost our souls.
I often want thanks and recognition for what I have done, but really, that's a bunch of junk. Lord, help me to be okay with being poured out, emptied, persecuted...
Right now it's "Help me to be okay with laying my body aside." I am at those final stages of childbearing where it becomes really tough physically. Breathing, moving, sleeping... I have a tendency to complain about these things. But Lord, this is my sacrifice right now, help me to lay down on the altar and give up myself for You. Help me to give up my life for this little child inside of me as she develops and grows. Help me to lay myself down as I go through the pain of labor, the hardships, I want to be a living and holy sacrifice. Greater love has no man than he who lays down his life for another. Maybe that's what this whole birthing/childbearing process is about... it's the beginning of living a life of sacrificial love.
And someday this little one inside of me might break my heart... in fact, the likelihood of that happening is very great. Lord, this is getting very personal. Help me to love as You have loved. Maybe I will know an inkling of what You have experienced for my sake.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 22
Blog? What? I have a blog? It feels like I have forgotten about blogging, about life, about everything. I'm going to blame it on pregnancy brain. I think I probably blogged a few weeks ago... but even then, I can't really remember. It feels like it was a few weeks ago.
Time goes by. There's nothing you can do to slow it down, nothing you can do to speed it up. Each day has the same amount of hours, same amount of minutes and seconds. ... though it doesn't always feel that way. These last few weeks seem to have flown by. Or maybe they have jumbled by, I don't know.
I have decided to start walking :). I want Aria out of my body... soon. Really, I think I will just be walking the .7 miles around my neighborhood every day, so it's not a big deal. It's just really cold. I also need to be making sure and doing my yoga as well as my "guided relaxation" with Belleruth Naperstack (I love her name, sometimes I just say Naperstack to myself just because I like how it sounds). I just got my first ever prenatal massage today and it was AMAZING. My doula, Cora, does an incredible job. If you want her number for a massage, just message me and I will hook you up. She is incredible.
I need to start working on my Belly Mapping workbook. I have read all of it and know the techniques for finding out how she is positioned, but I really need to start drawing pictures of her and really mapping out and tracking where she is in the womb. For the most part I can feel little tiny feet pushing up at the top of my belly and I can feel a solid back at the right side, but it will be good to just spend some time every day interacting with her and just feeling for where she is at.
I'm starting to pare down my life. My piano and voice lessons have stopped, I'm going to put Crisis Pregnancy Center on hold for a few months until I'm back on my feet and I think (as much as I hate to say this) I'm going to peter down on the worship team. Though I will still be in much prayer for the team and try to be an encouragement to them. I'm praying about how involved I can be with everything, but I'm just getting so physically tired these days that I don't think I can DO much.
One thing I am absolutely NOT ready for is: Christmas. Gifts? I need to buy gifts? Tree? We need to put up a tree? I do have a nativity scene out (thanks to mom and dad) and a garland with lights on our mantle. We have converted the dining room (since we never use it) into a play room for Levi and have put up multi colored icicle lights. So really, that's about all I've done for Christmas so far. I'm pretty sure Christmas will come and I will not have gifts until Christmas Eve and even then I will have to send Ben to the store to get them. ... poor Ben. Gift cards work great. :)
That's all I can think to write about for now. Pregnancy brain is really getting to me these days. I feel like I am forgetting something...
Time goes by. There's nothing you can do to slow it down, nothing you can do to speed it up. Each day has the same amount of hours, same amount of minutes and seconds. ... though it doesn't always feel that way. These last few weeks seem to have flown by. Or maybe they have jumbled by, I don't know.
I have decided to start walking :). I want Aria out of my body... soon. Really, I think I will just be walking the .7 miles around my neighborhood every day, so it's not a big deal. It's just really cold. I also need to be making sure and doing my yoga as well as my "guided relaxation" with Belleruth Naperstack (I love her name, sometimes I just say Naperstack to myself just because I like how it sounds). I just got my first ever prenatal massage today and it was AMAZING. My doula, Cora, does an incredible job. If you want her number for a massage, just message me and I will hook you up. She is incredible.
I need to start working on my Belly Mapping workbook. I have read all of it and know the techniques for finding out how she is positioned, but I really need to start drawing pictures of her and really mapping out and tracking where she is in the womb. For the most part I can feel little tiny feet pushing up at the top of my belly and I can feel a solid back at the right side, but it will be good to just spend some time every day interacting with her and just feeling for where she is at.
I'm starting to pare down my life. My piano and voice lessons have stopped, I'm going to put Crisis Pregnancy Center on hold for a few months until I'm back on my feet and I think (as much as I hate to say this) I'm going to peter down on the worship team. Though I will still be in much prayer for the team and try to be an encouragement to them. I'm praying about how involved I can be with everything, but I'm just getting so physically tired these days that I don't think I can DO much.
One thing I am absolutely NOT ready for is: Christmas. Gifts? I need to buy gifts? Tree? We need to put up a tree? I do have a nativity scene out (thanks to mom and dad) and a garland with lights on our mantle. We have converted the dining room (since we never use it) into a play room for Levi and have put up multi colored icicle lights. So really, that's about all I've done for Christmas so far. I'm pretty sure Christmas will come and I will not have gifts until Christmas Eve and even then I will have to send Ben to the store to get them. ... poor Ben. Gift cards work great. :)
That's all I can think to write about for now. Pregnancy brain is really getting to me these days. I feel like I am forgetting something...
Sunday, December 4, 2011
and the Word became flesh
This lyric is hitting me hard this morning:
Fragile fingers sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born
Unto us is born
Let me not forget this season that sweet baby Jesus, infant, child, precious little Jesus was born with the brutality of the cross in mind.
Let this be a sobering season as I realize it is my sins he came to wash away. It is my debt that he came into the world to ransom. I am in need of this tiny babe born in a manger, I am in need of of the precious blood of this sinless child, fully God and yet fully man.
I cannot comprehend You Lord, but I do know that You are good.
Fragile fingers sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born
Unto us is born
Let me not forget this season that sweet baby Jesus, infant, child, precious little Jesus was born with the brutality of the cross in mind.
Let this be a sobering season as I realize it is my sins he came to wash away. It is my debt that he came into the world to ransom. I am in need of this tiny babe born in a manger, I am in need of of the precious blood of this sinless child, fully God and yet fully man.
I cannot comprehend You Lord, but I do know that You are good.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 21
Sickness. I hate being sick. I hate colds, just the runny nose, the way they drag on and on, the sore throat, the achy feeling...
Over Thanksgiving we encountered a lot of sickness. Levi got croup, my sister in laws kids had pneumonia and an ear infection. There was just green snot all over the place. I did pretty well not to get any of it, try to wash my hands a lot and so forth. When we got back I was less careful with Levi. I figured I hadn't contracted what he had yet and I had shared a few drinks with him and so it didn't matter. Well, around Wednesday I started to feel my throat get scratchy... not cool. I've been pumping the vitamin C, trying to stay away from sugar, get rest, using lavender to help open up my sinuses (I so need to post about what I am learning about essential oils, they are AMAZING), yesterday I put on some medicated chest rub around my throat... it's weird though because my neck started aching. It's mainly the back of my neck. I can barely hold up my head without some pain. I keep stretching it and Ben rubbed it last night, I just don't know what is wrong. I think it is muscular, but I might call my chiropractor again just to see if he can fix it. (You can read about how he fixed my rib here).
I'm wondering if I have some swollen glands and that is what is causing it. Maybe it's because I am constantly leaning forward. I have to lean over to wash the dishes, do the laundry, even just walking around I feel like I have this huge weight out in front of me. This is true though, I DO have a weight in front of me.
All the aches and pains of pregnancy are starting to get to me. I feel like they are God's way of motivating the mother to PUSH her baby out. Ha ha! Seriously though, I am really starting to get ready for this whole birthing thing. Nothing can truly prepare you for it because you have no idea what kind of pain it will be for sure. I know what early labor feels like, but I have not yet been through several hours of labor and transition and actually birthing naturally. I feel like with the C section I took some kind of weird short cut and skipped all of that. It wasn't personal, it wasn't victorious, it was just surgery and he was out. I am so thankful for the medical technology available, don't get me wrong, but I am also praying that we won't have to use it this time around. I remember my sister in law telling me how cool it was to actually FEEL her baby come out of her body and what an experience that was. She had a VBAC too with her second child. I'm hoping our stories will be similar. :)
Lord, please heal me. Help me to know what to do with all of this neck stuff. Help it not to effect my attitude, help me to be a good mom to my little boy today.
Over Thanksgiving we encountered a lot of sickness. Levi got croup, my sister in laws kids had pneumonia and an ear infection. There was just green snot all over the place. I did pretty well not to get any of it, try to wash my hands a lot and so forth. When we got back I was less careful with Levi. I figured I hadn't contracted what he had yet and I had shared a few drinks with him and so it didn't matter. Well, around Wednesday I started to feel my throat get scratchy... not cool. I've been pumping the vitamin C, trying to stay away from sugar, get rest, using lavender to help open up my sinuses (I so need to post about what I am learning about essential oils, they are AMAZING), yesterday I put on some medicated chest rub around my throat... it's weird though because my neck started aching. It's mainly the back of my neck. I can barely hold up my head without some pain. I keep stretching it and Ben rubbed it last night, I just don't know what is wrong. I think it is muscular, but I might call my chiropractor again just to see if he can fix it. (You can read about how he fixed my rib here).
I'm wondering if I have some swollen glands and that is what is causing it. Maybe it's because I am constantly leaning forward. I have to lean over to wash the dishes, do the laundry, even just walking around I feel like I have this huge weight out in front of me. This is true though, I DO have a weight in front of me.
All the aches and pains of pregnancy are starting to get to me. I feel like they are God's way of motivating the mother to PUSH her baby out. Ha ha! Seriously though, I am really starting to get ready for this whole birthing thing. Nothing can truly prepare you for it because you have no idea what kind of pain it will be for sure. I know what early labor feels like, but I have not yet been through several hours of labor and transition and actually birthing naturally. I feel like with the C section I took some kind of weird short cut and skipped all of that. It wasn't personal, it wasn't victorious, it was just surgery and he was out. I am so thankful for the medical technology available, don't get me wrong, but I am also praying that we won't have to use it this time around. I remember my sister in law telling me how cool it was to actually FEEL her baby come out of her body and what an experience that was. She had a VBAC too with her second child. I'm hoping our stories will be similar. :)
Lord, please heal me. Help me to know what to do with all of this neck stuff. Help it not to effect my attitude, help me to be a good mom to my little boy today.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 20
I don't know what it was about today. Maybe it's that we just got back from a trip, maybe it was that I didn't sleep much last night. Maybe it was the weather...
How do I explain this? It was just a day to cry. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good. Definitely this morning as I was reading in Revelation 5 I was just weeping with the knowledge that Jesus is the one who has redeemed us from our sins. Just read that chapter and be blown away. He is the lamb who was slain, he is the only one who is worthy. I want to live my life in awe of this fact. Nothing else really matters. I am longing for the day when we will stand before Him and worship Him in person. Lord, let me live my life in light of that day. Let me not get caught up in the temporary trappings of this world. I don't want to be bogged down with "things" and money and trying to get ahead. I don't want to be bogged down with how I look or how nice my house looks. I want to live my life for the eternal kingdom. Please help me Lord.
I don't know what it was for the rest of the day. ... Honestly, I didn't sleep much last night. I had an anxious dream, not necessarily disturbing, but just anxious. I didn't sleep much from the time we went to bed at 10 until about 2. That time whenever I don't take an ambien is like I'm just dozing and waking up. I took 4 melatonin, I put lavender essential oil on, I put on a blend called Peace and Calming... I listened to a guided relaxation... it's just stupid. So my brain just refuses to go into my REM cycle until probably about 2. I often wonder why I get in bed before then. Maybe then I wouldn't get into my cycle until 6, ha ha! There's also the fact that I have a baby the size of a bowling ball in my belly and have to sleep on my side (I'm totally a back sleeper, not the stomach, not the side, back all the way.) I also didn't want to make Ben sleep in the other bed last night since he didn't get to sleep in it all week. He stole the covers and twitched a lot. It kind of ticks me off. I asked him how he slept last night and his response was "Like a rock" ... at least one of us did. It's good because he has a lot to do at work in the next few weeks. It's just hard when it's 1:30 in the morning and you get woken up because your husband turned over. Why can't I sleep through that stuff?! And then I am mad because he interrupted my sleep.
All that to say, I just had this cloud around me today. I didn't know if it was hormones or what. I kept asking the Lord to help me. You know when all you can say is "Jesus, please help me" as you fold the laundry that you are just in need. So many times I told Him I couldn't do this by myself. I'm 34 weeks and with a two year old and I'm just exhausted. He's become a very willful two year old too. All two year olds are willful, I know Levi can be pretty obedient sometimes, but many times it feels like if I'm not right on top of things a situation can spin out of control.
I took a short nap and that helped a lot. I think my body wanted it to be a lot longer, but I don't need to take a huge nap right now. I fixed myself a cup of decaf coffee (sometimes that tiny amount of caffeine helps).
Lord, help me. I want to have a joyful spirit. Protect me from the lies of the enemy that say that I am hopeless and a failure. Please give me strength that only You can give.
How do I explain this? It was just a day to cry. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good. Definitely this morning as I was reading in Revelation 5 I was just weeping with the knowledge that Jesus is the one who has redeemed us from our sins. Just read that chapter and be blown away. He is the lamb who was slain, he is the only one who is worthy. I want to live my life in awe of this fact. Nothing else really matters. I am longing for the day when we will stand before Him and worship Him in person. Lord, let me live my life in light of that day. Let me not get caught up in the temporary trappings of this world. I don't want to be bogged down with "things" and money and trying to get ahead. I don't want to be bogged down with how I look or how nice my house looks. I want to live my life for the eternal kingdom. Please help me Lord.
I don't know what it was for the rest of the day. ... Honestly, I didn't sleep much last night. I had an anxious dream, not necessarily disturbing, but just anxious. I didn't sleep much from the time we went to bed at 10 until about 2. That time whenever I don't take an ambien is like I'm just dozing and waking up. I took 4 melatonin, I put lavender essential oil on, I put on a blend called Peace and Calming... I listened to a guided relaxation... it's just stupid. So my brain just refuses to go into my REM cycle until probably about 2. I often wonder why I get in bed before then. Maybe then I wouldn't get into my cycle until 6, ha ha! There's also the fact that I have a baby the size of a bowling ball in my belly and have to sleep on my side (I'm totally a back sleeper, not the stomach, not the side, back all the way.) I also didn't want to make Ben sleep in the other bed last night since he didn't get to sleep in it all week. He stole the covers and twitched a lot. It kind of ticks me off. I asked him how he slept last night and his response was "Like a rock" ... at least one of us did. It's good because he has a lot to do at work in the next few weeks. It's just hard when it's 1:30 in the morning and you get woken up because your husband turned over. Why can't I sleep through that stuff?! And then I am mad because he interrupted my sleep.
All that to say, I just had this cloud around me today. I didn't know if it was hormones or what. I kept asking the Lord to help me. You know when all you can say is "Jesus, please help me" as you fold the laundry that you are just in need. So many times I told Him I couldn't do this by myself. I'm 34 weeks and with a two year old and I'm just exhausted. He's become a very willful two year old too. All two year olds are willful, I know Levi can be pretty obedient sometimes, but many times it feels like if I'm not right on top of things a situation can spin out of control.
I took a short nap and that helped a lot. I think my body wanted it to be a lot longer, but I don't need to take a huge nap right now. I fixed myself a cup of decaf coffee (sometimes that tiny amount of caffeine helps).
Lord, help me. I want to have a joyful spirit. Protect me from the lies of the enemy that say that I am hopeless and a failure. Please give me strength that only You can give.
Monday, November 21, 2011
A rough day...
Okay, so it was a rough day. I think I just had a lot I had to do and some more things that I wanted to do... I went shopping for some essential oils at Whole Foods, then came home and taught a voice/piano lesson, after that it was off to my mother in law's to drop Levi off so that I could go to NLR and do some recording, on my way home I called and found out that Levi was still asleep so I took another forty five minutes at the grocery store. On the way home from picking up Levi I stopped to get a prescription and of course Levi had pooped in his cloth diaper. This was the second cloth diaper poop of the day, third poop altogether, the first one was on the floor in the living room this morning. Let's just say that I'm probably the worst potty trainer in the world. :)
So really, after all of that I got home to a messy house with laundry halfway done and dishes needing to be loaded into the dishwasher and dinner needing to be started and two poopy diapers that needed to be rinsed out in the toilet. It was 3:45 and I had no nap time.
If you are a mom, you will know what I'm talking about, maybe you're not a mom and just easily distracted... but really, kids make you ADD. What's crazy is that I only have ONE kid I'm chasing around. I think what I'm learning is that I need to nip bad behavior in the bud. I also need to not allow myself to get so busy.
Levi has become quite verbal in his requests. He also thinks that the louder he requests things the more inclined we will be to meet them. Yeah right. He is like a barrage of one word questions: "Juice! Juice! Juice!" "Hands! Hands! Hands!" (meaning he wants to wash his hands aka play in the sink and get water everywhere) "Nunk! Nunk! Nunk!" (means milk, I have no idea how these words are similar, but that's what he calls it). Whenever you are eating something and he would like some of it he says "Some! Some! Some!" His pleas often go up in pitch and volume until I find myself wanting to yell at him "No!" ... Jesus, help me. This is my sin nature coming out, wanting to yell at my child.
At one point I thought, maybe I should just lay down for a few minutes and get my strength back. Of course Levi thought that this was the prime opportunity to climb on me and body slam mommy. Have you ever just wanted to run away from your child? I can now say that I have. I pictured me locking myself in the closet but then I thought, he would just stand outside and cry for me... that totally won't work.
I posted on FB that I had a taste of the "terrible twos" ... I should explain that in general Levi is a sweet little boy. He is a lot better than many kids I have seen and I think he has a disposition to please and is pretty laid back. But today I for sure had some serious glimpses of his will coming out. Him crying to get his way, falling on the floor, whining, almost arguing with me it felt like... in a way that only a one-worded two year old can argue. He kept asking to wash his hands and pushing the chair over to the sink and I would tell him no. Then he was asking "Pease, pease, pease" (please), I'm starting to think that we have taught him to ask please so much that he thinks if he asks please then he automatically gets whatever it is. But I didn't want to deal with a watery mess in the kitchen so I told him no again. Then he really started crying. You have to know that there is a big difference between an "I'm hurt" cry and an "I didn't get what I wanted" cry. The latter begs no sympathy. I told him that if he was upset about it I didn't want to hear it and he could go cry in his room. Usually this does an okay job of stopping him from crying. It's a fine line, do you spank for crying? We have decided that if we tell him to stop crying and he persists, then we will spank because he is in disobedience. This is a lot to remember though and sometimes all that noise they are producing makes situations seem foggy.
I think more than anything I just realized that I need to make sure and slow down. These coming weeks with being super prego and tired are going to be challenging. Levi is needing one on one time and I am going to need physical rest to keep up with everything.
More than anything I need to be praying and walking with the Lord. It wasn't until I was having thoughts of locking myself in the closet that I thought about crying out to the Lord. I want it to be sooner than that. Whatever happened to that verse: I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength? I need to press into what the Lord is speaking and ask Him for guidance and wisdom.
Jesus, as I asked earlier, please help me.
So really, after all of that I got home to a messy house with laundry halfway done and dishes needing to be loaded into the dishwasher and dinner needing to be started and two poopy diapers that needed to be rinsed out in the toilet. It was 3:45 and I had no nap time.
If you are a mom, you will know what I'm talking about, maybe you're not a mom and just easily distracted... but really, kids make you ADD. What's crazy is that I only have ONE kid I'm chasing around. I think what I'm learning is that I need to nip bad behavior in the bud. I also need to not allow myself to get so busy.
Levi has become quite verbal in his requests. He also thinks that the louder he requests things the more inclined we will be to meet them. Yeah right. He is like a barrage of one word questions: "Juice! Juice! Juice!" "Hands! Hands! Hands!" (meaning he wants to wash his hands aka play in the sink and get water everywhere) "Nunk! Nunk! Nunk!" (means milk, I have no idea how these words are similar, but that's what he calls it). Whenever you are eating something and he would like some of it he says "Some! Some! Some!" His pleas often go up in pitch and volume until I find myself wanting to yell at him "No!" ... Jesus, help me. This is my sin nature coming out, wanting to yell at my child.
At one point I thought, maybe I should just lay down for a few minutes and get my strength back. Of course Levi thought that this was the prime opportunity to climb on me and body slam mommy. Have you ever just wanted to run away from your child? I can now say that I have. I pictured me locking myself in the closet but then I thought, he would just stand outside and cry for me... that totally won't work.
I posted on FB that I had a taste of the "terrible twos" ... I should explain that in general Levi is a sweet little boy. He is a lot better than many kids I have seen and I think he has a disposition to please and is pretty laid back. But today I for sure had some serious glimpses of his will coming out. Him crying to get his way, falling on the floor, whining, almost arguing with me it felt like... in a way that only a one-worded two year old can argue. He kept asking to wash his hands and pushing the chair over to the sink and I would tell him no. Then he was asking "Pease, pease, pease" (please), I'm starting to think that we have taught him to ask please so much that he thinks if he asks please then he automatically gets whatever it is. But I didn't want to deal with a watery mess in the kitchen so I told him no again. Then he really started crying. You have to know that there is a big difference between an "I'm hurt" cry and an "I didn't get what I wanted" cry. The latter begs no sympathy. I told him that if he was upset about it I didn't want to hear it and he could go cry in his room. Usually this does an okay job of stopping him from crying. It's a fine line, do you spank for crying? We have decided that if we tell him to stop crying and he persists, then we will spank because he is in disobedience. This is a lot to remember though and sometimes all that noise they are producing makes situations seem foggy.
I think more than anything I just realized that I need to make sure and slow down. These coming weeks with being super prego and tired are going to be challenging. Levi is needing one on one time and I am going to need physical rest to keep up with everything.
More than anything I need to be praying and walking with the Lord. It wasn't until I was having thoughts of locking myself in the closet that I thought about crying out to the Lord. I want it to be sooner than that. Whatever happened to that verse: I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength? I need to press into what the Lord is speaking and ask Him for guidance and wisdom.
Jesus, as I asked earlier, please help me.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Stuff I am learning part 1
The internet is so distracting. It's like a minefield of ADD stuff. All my usual tabs that I check, the home feeds, the messages, the sites I need to check up on... I usually put off or just don't blog because I wasted all my time just being on the internet without a purpose. I'm not going to do that tonight. Another problem I was thinking about is the fact that I'm writing this at 10:30 pm on a Sunday night. Who gets on the internet and reads blogs on Sunday nights? I will probably have like 3 hits by tomorrow (I hate it that I can see how many people have looked at my blog, but it's like I can't keep from clicking on that "stats" button. I keep telling myself it won't effect me... there you go, there's another one of my weaknesses.)
What am I even blogging about? I don't know. Things running through my mind are how I don't really sleep at night, therefore I don't want to go to bed. Or about this morning's worship service and how I got to read scripture as we sang, it was out of Revelation 4 and by the end of it I was yelling (my voice was starting to go hoarse) the part about "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty who was and is and is to come" Afterwards my dad and I were talking about it and he said, "Yeah, that scripture needs to be powerful, if you really think about what was happening and how those powerful angels were falling on their faces... I can't imagine what it will be like for us when we see God."
I am thinking about how reserved we are in the way we pray or the way we worship. Maybe it's because we are white, maybe it's because it's always been done. I read a blog from our pastor today about prayer and how we need to be living and walking in prayer, how we don't do it enough. For sure this is true, we are never praying enough.
I went to a prayer meeting a few weeks back and it was difficult. I'm just going to be honest. It was hard to sit there and listen to people pray. I kept sitting there thinking, why am I struggling like this? Don't I love God? What is my problem? I'm going to say something totally controversial on here, but that's okay because only like 3 people will read it... I feel like we settle for boring prayer. As though we have to pray starting with "Father God" throw in a few "dear Lord"s, and end with "in Jesus name" we need to ask for stuff, but not too much, we need to mention the sick people, but don't pray too boldly because if God doesn't heal them, then both we and God will look foolish... we need to pray in pensive voices with our eyes closed, we need to be articulate because others can hear us... all of that is crap. I shouldn't say stuff like that really, but I am so frustrated to hear prayers that sound like God is some sort of thing you say enough "Heavenly Father"s to and then you will get what you want. He is not a weakling and He definitely knows what is going on in our minds. He hears how we talk to our friends and family and it's not with a pensive voice or furrowed brow unless we are really being pensive about something.
Shouldn't prayer be just talking to God? Isn't He our Daddy? I read the Psalms and I wonder if David ever yelled or wept any of the Psalms. We get very passionate at football games, athletic events, concerts, but we act as though when we gather together as believers we need to be dignified.
Wow, I'm suddenly getting so tired. Maybe I can continue this another day.
What am I even blogging about? I don't know. Things running through my mind are how I don't really sleep at night, therefore I don't want to go to bed. Or about this morning's worship service and how I got to read scripture as we sang, it was out of Revelation 4 and by the end of it I was yelling (my voice was starting to go hoarse) the part about "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty who was and is and is to come" Afterwards my dad and I were talking about it and he said, "Yeah, that scripture needs to be powerful, if you really think about what was happening and how those powerful angels were falling on their faces... I can't imagine what it will be like for us when we see God."
I am thinking about how reserved we are in the way we pray or the way we worship. Maybe it's because we are white, maybe it's because it's always been done. I read a blog from our pastor today about prayer and how we need to be living and walking in prayer, how we don't do it enough. For sure this is true, we are never praying enough.
I went to a prayer meeting a few weeks back and it was difficult. I'm just going to be honest. It was hard to sit there and listen to people pray. I kept sitting there thinking, why am I struggling like this? Don't I love God? What is my problem? I'm going to say something totally controversial on here, but that's okay because only like 3 people will read it... I feel like we settle for boring prayer. As though we have to pray starting with "Father God" throw in a few "dear Lord"s, and end with "in Jesus name" we need to ask for stuff, but not too much, we need to mention the sick people, but don't pray too boldly because if God doesn't heal them, then both we and God will look foolish... we need to pray in pensive voices with our eyes closed, we need to be articulate because others can hear us... all of that is crap. I shouldn't say stuff like that really, but I am so frustrated to hear prayers that sound like God is some sort of thing you say enough "Heavenly Father"s to and then you will get what you want. He is not a weakling and He definitely knows what is going on in our minds. He hears how we talk to our friends and family and it's not with a pensive voice or furrowed brow unless we are really being pensive about something.
Shouldn't prayer be just talking to God? Isn't He our Daddy? I read the Psalms and I wonder if David ever yelled or wept any of the Psalms. We get very passionate at football games, athletic events, concerts, but we act as though when we gather together as believers we need to be dignified.
Wow, I'm suddenly getting so tired. Maybe I can continue this another day.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 19
Why am I blogging at three in the morning? Two words: pregnancy insomnia. The weird part is that I'm wide awake right now. I'm not sleepy at all. I will be sleepy in the morning. Usually with stuff like this it will suddenly hit me around 5 or 6 am and then it will be rough probably for the rest of the morning unless I can lay down for a few 15 minute spurts here and there. The good thing is that I don't have anything planned for tomorrow except a meeting with my doula at one, so I think it will be okay.
While I'm up I thought I would blog about my most recent pregnancy struggle. Maybe this will wear me out and I will want to go to bed afterwards. :)
My back.
I started going to a chiropractor about a month ago. I had never been to a chiropractor before, but he was recommended by my doula and the birthing center she works with has started recommending chiropractic work in general to pregnant women. Anyways, it sounded logical to me, the strain of all that weight out front, the back pain that is pretty standard during pregnancy, so I started going. I am totally okay with popping. In fact, I love twisting my spine and feeling my back pop and the release that gives. So I had been going for a while, it had been good, my headaches were starting to go away, back pain, yes, I still had it, but it was getting better.
So here's the week: Saturday I woke up and just felt sore. My lower ribs and sides, it was more difficult to breathe (this is normal with how big my uterus is getting). Sunday I was sick with some kind of virus that made me extremely weak, Monday I tried to just rest as best I could... Tuesday I woke up and my left side of my body was in pain. Severe pain. I mean, I would say probably on a scale of 1-10 it was about an 8 or 9. I felt like I had been kicked in the ribs, it hurt to breathe and to just move. The pain felt like it went from just below my ear, down through my shoulder, through my ribs and down through the left side of my back. I kept thinking, if I just keep moving, this soreness will just work itself out. It wasn't until about noon that I realized it was NOT going away. I had an appointment with the chiropractor the next day but I thought, you know what? I'm just going to call them. So I was able to get in an hour later (praise the Lord!!). He asked me some questions and felt around and said, yeah, it looks like your ribs got out of place. So he popped it back into place (along with popping other parts of my back and neck). Now, it wasn't immediate complete relief, but it was better. He gave me an exercise to do to help my mobility and said I should feel better in about 48 hours. It's now Wednesday morning and there is only a slight inkling of pain as I breathe.
Lesson learned: watch my posture in how I sit/sleep/stand. I had been sitting on the computer just doing stuff like Facebook or watching a show with the computer to the side of me. I was unconsciously twisting my back and my ribs. He told me I need to try to do stuff out in front of me. I had been sleeping on my right side, but decided to sleep on my left that night. I feel like this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Aria also has her back to my left side, so I feel like the bulk of her weight was probably resting on my ribs and that's what pushed them out. That's why I woke up that morning in so much pain.
So yeah, that's my latest deal. Just wanted to post about it. I'm feeling much better... now if only I could go to sleep. :)
While I'm up I thought I would blog about my most recent pregnancy struggle. Maybe this will wear me out and I will want to go to bed afterwards. :)
My back.
I started going to a chiropractor about a month ago. I had never been to a chiropractor before, but he was recommended by my doula and the birthing center she works with has started recommending chiropractic work in general to pregnant women. Anyways, it sounded logical to me, the strain of all that weight out front, the back pain that is pretty standard during pregnancy, so I started going. I am totally okay with popping. In fact, I love twisting my spine and feeling my back pop and the release that gives. So I had been going for a while, it had been good, my headaches were starting to go away, back pain, yes, I still had it, but it was getting better.
So here's the week: Saturday I woke up and just felt sore. My lower ribs and sides, it was more difficult to breathe (this is normal with how big my uterus is getting). Sunday I was sick with some kind of virus that made me extremely weak, Monday I tried to just rest as best I could... Tuesday I woke up and my left side of my body was in pain. Severe pain. I mean, I would say probably on a scale of 1-10 it was about an 8 or 9. I felt like I had been kicked in the ribs, it hurt to breathe and to just move. The pain felt like it went from just below my ear, down through my shoulder, through my ribs and down through the left side of my back. I kept thinking, if I just keep moving, this soreness will just work itself out. It wasn't until about noon that I realized it was NOT going away. I had an appointment with the chiropractor the next day but I thought, you know what? I'm just going to call them. So I was able to get in an hour later (praise the Lord!!). He asked me some questions and felt around and said, yeah, it looks like your ribs got out of place. So he popped it back into place (along with popping other parts of my back and neck). Now, it wasn't immediate complete relief, but it was better. He gave me an exercise to do to help my mobility and said I should feel better in about 48 hours. It's now Wednesday morning and there is only a slight inkling of pain as I breathe.
Lesson learned: watch my posture in how I sit/sleep/stand. I had been sitting on the computer just doing stuff like Facebook or watching a show with the computer to the side of me. I was unconsciously twisting my back and my ribs. He told me I need to try to do stuff out in front of me. I had been sleeping on my right side, but decided to sleep on my left that night. I feel like this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Aria also has her back to my left side, so I feel like the bulk of her weight was probably resting on my ribs and that's what pushed them out. That's why I woke up that morning in so much pain.
So yeah, that's my latest deal. Just wanted to post about it. I'm feeling much better... now if only I could go to sleep. :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 18
Well, I am tired. I am sore. There's a certain point in pregnancy where sleeping on your side is just OLD. It has been old for me since I have started having to do it. My shoulders get too scrunched, even with a pillow between my knees my hips are often still sore. I think I need a sturdier pillow under my neck... but I don't really feel like buying one more thing. Sleeping is just a challenge all together. Sometimes I wish we didn't need sleep. If only I could just keep going and going.
Sometimes reading the Word and getting stuff out of it is so easy, so natural, it just comes out and fills me with excitement and I am learning new things... other times it is difficult. What I am reading feels dry and it's not relating to my life right now, it feels far removed. In these times it feels like God is far removed. You know what I mean? I think I'm going through one of those far removed times right now. Wanting more, thirsty for more, still getting up and hoping to be spoken to, but not really getting anything.
I go to pray and it feels fruitless. It feels empty. I don't know what to pray sometimes. I just sit there in my scripture room thinking, "I need to be praying for this person" but nothing is coming out. Is there a blockage in my heart? In my mind? In my spirit?
As the deer pants for streams of waters, so my soul pants after You O God. Please be near to me Lord, please do not abandon me.
At the same time I think there are changes that need to be made in my own life to truly seek God. I usually seek God for the first hour of my day and that is good, but I don't think that I actually seek him throughout the entire day. Do I talk to him as I go about my day or do I turn on the radio, or look at Facebook and see what they are doing there. How am I so easily distracted? Well, I'm very easily distracted by my little boy who is constantly asking me for something. :) I will say that much. Yesterday I think I was interrupted in the middle of everything I was doing. Everything. I thought, this must be what ADD is like. Okay, I'm distract-able, but this was serious, hard-core, every task that I got completed was a monumental thing. I had to keep coming back to it and coming back to it.
Lord, please help me. I am physically weary, spiritually weary, I want newness that can only come from You. You know how to mother my child, You know how to care for my body, You know all of these things.
Cast your cares upon the Lord, because He cares for you.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
I am in full need of You Father. It's me, it's me, it's me, O Lord, standing in the need of prayer.
Sometimes reading the Word and getting stuff out of it is so easy, so natural, it just comes out and fills me with excitement and I am learning new things... other times it is difficult. What I am reading feels dry and it's not relating to my life right now, it feels far removed. In these times it feels like God is far removed. You know what I mean? I think I'm going through one of those far removed times right now. Wanting more, thirsty for more, still getting up and hoping to be spoken to, but not really getting anything.
I go to pray and it feels fruitless. It feels empty. I don't know what to pray sometimes. I just sit there in my scripture room thinking, "I need to be praying for this person" but nothing is coming out. Is there a blockage in my heart? In my mind? In my spirit?
As the deer pants for streams of waters, so my soul pants after You O God. Please be near to me Lord, please do not abandon me.
At the same time I think there are changes that need to be made in my own life to truly seek God. I usually seek God for the first hour of my day and that is good, but I don't think that I actually seek him throughout the entire day. Do I talk to him as I go about my day or do I turn on the radio, or look at Facebook and see what they are doing there. How am I so easily distracted? Well, I'm very easily distracted by my little boy who is constantly asking me for something. :) I will say that much. Yesterday I think I was interrupted in the middle of everything I was doing. Everything. I thought, this must be what ADD is like. Okay, I'm distract-able, but this was serious, hard-core, every task that I got completed was a monumental thing. I had to keep coming back to it and coming back to it.
Lord, please help me. I am physically weary, spiritually weary, I want newness that can only come from You. You know how to mother my child, You know how to care for my body, You know all of these things.
Cast your cares upon the Lord, because He cares for you.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
I am in full need of You Father. It's me, it's me, it's me, O Lord, standing in the need of prayer.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
A choice for life
I just have to post about this. I wrote a little FB status, but it didn't really do it justice.
I'm going to leave out names, I just ask that you would be in prayer for this young woman.
I don't post this because I'm holy or better than anyone else. Really, I'm pretty lame. I have the opportunity to serve (they call it volunteer, but I think as disciples we need to look at it as service) at the Crisis Pregnancy Center (CPC) in North Little Rock from 10-1 on Thursdays. Three hours, that's all. If you want to know more about what we do, you can see a video testimony at this site. I just want to post this to prove that God can use anyone, and that it is good to faithfully serve.
So a woman (she's 24) came into the CPC today. She wanted to know what we could do for her. She knew she was pregnant. It wasn't until I brought her into the counseling room that I found she wanted to have an abortion. We talked about why she wanted to have the abortion, career, this was not her plan... The father of the baby wanted her to keep it, she didn't want to get pregnant with him, she didn't expect to get pregnant with him... even though she wasn't using birth control of any sort. It's funny because you sit and listen to some people say that and it's so hard not to say, "Did you know that having sex makes babies? That's what it was designed to do." I think in our culture though sex is not about making babies, it has become more about pleasure, not about commitment. Babies are a commitment. Just in case you didn't know.
Our culture is really good at disposing of babies too. I'm just gonna throw that out there.
She had had an abortion before and it wasn't a big deal, I didn't push it any further, just kept praying in my head about what to say to her.
When she went in for her pregnancy test I talked to our ultrasound technician and told her this girl wanted an abortion. She said, "ask her if she wants a free ultrasound" so I did. The girl thought that would be great. It was an interesting situation because the girl had scheduled an abortion the day before but her boyfriend didn't take her to the appointment. She said he was going to make her have this baby. I just kept praying. She called the boyfriend but he didn't want to come to the ultrasound. That was hard. Her disappointment in that moment... It felt like a real non-committal relationship, why God? Why do babies have to be brought into the world during "casual" sex?? Why are we allowed to play with fire like this? Why are babies killed over "casual" sex? I am convinced that there is no such thing as "casual" sex. There is too much weight there. Why does our culture spew lies in this way?
We made it into the ultrasound room. I just kept praying and praying in my head. Right before Debbie (our ultrasound tech) put the wand on her belly the girl said, "hold up! I'm really scared, I don't know if I want to see this!" I wondered if in that moment she was afraid of what she would see. She had been six weeks along with her abortion, it might be the first time she would ever realize that the first baby was actually a baby. I could just feel the weight of it. I asked her if I could pray for her and she said that was a good idea. I didn't feel like she needed any condemnation in the moment, she just needed hope. Hope that the Lord had plans for her, hope that God loves her, hope that He is her Daddy, her Abba Father and He would just wrap His arms around her. When I was done praying she said "okay."
The first thing we saw on that ultrasound screen was of course the bladder but then, right off we saw the uterus and inside was a tiny little pea shape. We weren't sure if we would be able to see anything since it was still so early. But no, we saw this little bitty baby. And then we could see it's heartbeat. Rhythmically beating. She was so excited, she was like, "is that the heartbeat?" It was overwhelming. I think in that moment she realized the weight of it all.
After the ultrasound she was still kind of stunned. Debbie said, "You're a mom, and this baby will always love you. This man, the father of the child may not always be there, but this child will be there to wrap his arms around your neck and to love you in a way that no one else can." She was so overwhelmed.
She signed up for our HUGS Bible study and just had a completely different spirit about her. If you could, please pray for her in this time. It might be easy to make that decision inside of our doors, but once on the outside... I'm praying that God would continue to speak to her heart. She's going to come back for another ultrasound in a few weeks, praying she will get a good mentor for the Bible study, praying we can continue to minister and love her and this little baby.
I'm going to leave out names, I just ask that you would be in prayer for this young woman.
I don't post this because I'm holy or better than anyone else. Really, I'm pretty lame. I have the opportunity to serve (they call it volunteer, but I think as disciples we need to look at it as service) at the Crisis Pregnancy Center (CPC) in North Little Rock from 10-1 on Thursdays. Three hours, that's all. If you want to know more about what we do, you can see a video testimony at this site. I just want to post this to prove that God can use anyone, and that it is good to faithfully serve.
So a woman (she's 24) came into the CPC today. She wanted to know what we could do for her. She knew she was pregnant. It wasn't until I brought her into the counseling room that I found she wanted to have an abortion. We talked about why she wanted to have the abortion, career, this was not her plan... The father of the baby wanted her to keep it, she didn't want to get pregnant with him, she didn't expect to get pregnant with him... even though she wasn't using birth control of any sort. It's funny because you sit and listen to some people say that and it's so hard not to say, "Did you know that having sex makes babies? That's what it was designed to do." I think in our culture though sex is not about making babies, it has become more about pleasure, not about commitment. Babies are a commitment. Just in case you didn't know.
Our culture is really good at disposing of babies too. I'm just gonna throw that out there.
She had had an abortion before and it wasn't a big deal, I didn't push it any further, just kept praying in my head about what to say to her.
When she went in for her pregnancy test I talked to our ultrasound technician and told her this girl wanted an abortion. She said, "ask her if she wants a free ultrasound" so I did. The girl thought that would be great. It was an interesting situation because the girl had scheduled an abortion the day before but her boyfriend didn't take her to the appointment. She said he was going to make her have this baby. I just kept praying. She called the boyfriend but he didn't want to come to the ultrasound. That was hard. Her disappointment in that moment... It felt like a real non-committal relationship, why God? Why do babies have to be brought into the world during "casual" sex?? Why are we allowed to play with fire like this? Why are babies killed over "casual" sex? I am convinced that there is no such thing as "casual" sex. There is too much weight there. Why does our culture spew lies in this way?
We made it into the ultrasound room. I just kept praying and praying in my head. Right before Debbie (our ultrasound tech) put the wand on her belly the girl said, "hold up! I'm really scared, I don't know if I want to see this!" I wondered if in that moment she was afraid of what she would see. She had been six weeks along with her abortion, it might be the first time she would ever realize that the first baby was actually a baby. I could just feel the weight of it. I asked her if I could pray for her and she said that was a good idea. I didn't feel like she needed any condemnation in the moment, she just needed hope. Hope that the Lord had plans for her, hope that God loves her, hope that He is her Daddy, her Abba Father and He would just wrap His arms around her. When I was done praying she said "okay."
The first thing we saw on that ultrasound screen was of course the bladder but then, right off we saw the uterus and inside was a tiny little pea shape. We weren't sure if we would be able to see anything since it was still so early. But no, we saw this little bitty baby. And then we could see it's heartbeat. Rhythmically beating. She was so excited, she was like, "is that the heartbeat?" It was overwhelming. I think in that moment she realized the weight of it all.
After the ultrasound she was still kind of stunned. Debbie said, "You're a mom, and this baby will always love you. This man, the father of the child may not always be there, but this child will be there to wrap his arms around your neck and to love you in a way that no one else can." She was so overwhelmed.
She signed up for our HUGS Bible study and just had a completely different spirit about her. If you could, please pray for her in this time. It might be easy to make that decision inside of our doors, but once on the outside... I'm praying that God would continue to speak to her heart. She's going to come back for another ultrasound in a few weeks, praying she will get a good mentor for the Bible study, praying we can continue to minister and love her and this little baby.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Stuff I am learning
Lord, I just want to ask for Your guidance as I write this. I do not want to let your words fall to the ground, I know You have been speaking to me in this and so I just ask that You would help me. Holy Spirit, please lead me.
I'm just going to start out that way because I don't want to write from myself. I have found prayer is an excellent way to get my words out of my head and put God's words there.
I have been thinking about honesty a lot lately. I want to live my life in a way that is as honest as possible. Many times this costs me. It costs me friendships, dignity, pride... but I have found that I would much rather live in this humble state than one of hiding. It's much more difficult to hide. I have hidden before, you have to build up walls and be careful about what you say, you have to look good and together all the time, you have to smile a lot and have all kinds of meaningless spiritual words... it's way worse than just being honest and humble.
Lord, help me.
James 4:4 -10 says:
You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit He caused to live in us envies intensely? But He give us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."
Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Wash your hands you sinners and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.
If you ever just want a good spiritual slap in the face just read James. He will totally do it for you. It's good. Man, I really just need to memorize the whole book. I feel like as a believer I settle so much for less than what Christ calls us to. It's easy to compare myself to this person or that person and think, yeah, I'm doing okay, I'm not as bad as her or him or whatever. Really, I want Christ to be my standard.
That part about being friends with the world... I have to go back to that. I am totally a friend of the world. I have loved the things of the world. Television, Facebook, People Magazine... I mean, just stuff to buy, stuff to have, I have loved the praise of man for my singing and talents... what does it look like to forsake friendship with the world? Would that require something drastic in my life?
I am wanting to purpose to live my life with an arms length between me and the world. I have two friends who just got rid of their iPhones. It's interesting because they don't know each other and I just had conversations with both of them in the past maybe week and a half and they were like, "I spend too much time on this thing, on Facebook and I'm neglecting my husband and my kids." Seriously, it was like the Holy Spirit convicted them of the exact same thing. For me, personally it is television. I'm such a sucker for TV we can't have one in our house or it will be on all the time and it will be a very real struggle. I also have to purpose not to be on Facebook for more than a few minutes, not to check every notification, not to check every text message, I don't even answer every phone call. It's difficult when you are reading a book to your little boy and your phone is ringing... do you answer it to be polite to the persona on the other line or do you stay with your little one and in doing so communicate to him that he is more important than your phone? Is there a balance to that?
I've been listening to Francis Chan a lot the past few days. I like to turn on his podcast sermons while I get ready as sort of an extended quiet time. He's been preaching to me about this all out Christianity thing. I mean, if I'm going to say that I love the Lord and I'm a Christian I need to actually follow Christ, know the Word, pray. Pray. Man, I want to be in prayer at all times. I don't want to settle for mediocre Christianity. I want to live my life all out for His Kingdom and for His glory.
Jesus, help me in this.
I'm just going to start out that way because I don't want to write from myself. I have found prayer is an excellent way to get my words out of my head and put God's words there.
I have been thinking about honesty a lot lately. I want to live my life in a way that is as honest as possible. Many times this costs me. It costs me friendships, dignity, pride... but I have found that I would much rather live in this humble state than one of hiding. It's much more difficult to hide. I have hidden before, you have to build up walls and be careful about what you say, you have to look good and together all the time, you have to smile a lot and have all kinds of meaningless spiritual words... it's way worse than just being honest and humble.
Lord, help me.
James 4:4 -10 says:
You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit He caused to live in us envies intensely? But He give us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."
Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Wash your hands you sinners and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.
If you ever just want a good spiritual slap in the face just read James. He will totally do it for you. It's good. Man, I really just need to memorize the whole book. I feel like as a believer I settle so much for less than what Christ calls us to. It's easy to compare myself to this person or that person and think, yeah, I'm doing okay, I'm not as bad as her or him or whatever. Really, I want Christ to be my standard.
That part about being friends with the world... I have to go back to that. I am totally a friend of the world. I have loved the things of the world. Television, Facebook, People Magazine... I mean, just stuff to buy, stuff to have, I have loved the praise of man for my singing and talents... what does it look like to forsake friendship with the world? Would that require something drastic in my life?
I am wanting to purpose to live my life with an arms length between me and the world. I have two friends who just got rid of their iPhones. It's interesting because they don't know each other and I just had conversations with both of them in the past maybe week and a half and they were like, "I spend too much time on this thing, on Facebook and I'm neglecting my husband and my kids." Seriously, it was like the Holy Spirit convicted them of the exact same thing. For me, personally it is television. I'm such a sucker for TV we can't have one in our house or it will be on all the time and it will be a very real struggle. I also have to purpose not to be on Facebook for more than a few minutes, not to check every notification, not to check every text message, I don't even answer every phone call. It's difficult when you are reading a book to your little boy and your phone is ringing... do you answer it to be polite to the persona on the other line or do you stay with your little one and in doing so communicate to him that he is more important than your phone? Is there a balance to that?
I've been listening to Francis Chan a lot the past few days. I like to turn on his podcast sermons while I get ready as sort of an extended quiet time. He's been preaching to me about this all out Christianity thing. I mean, if I'm going to say that I love the Lord and I'm a Christian I need to actually follow Christ, know the Word, pray. Pray. Man, I want to be in prayer at all times. I don't want to settle for mediocre Christianity. I want to live my life all out for His Kingdom and for His glory.
Jesus, help me in this.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 17
I don't mean to complain... I don't want to complain...
Can I just say that sometimes I hate maternity clothes? :) Maybe I just hate how your body is constantly changing. That shirt fit last week, it doesn't fit this week. It's the slow transformation of pregnancy. There's the first trimester where your belly starts to get sensitive and you don't want to wear jeans, or at least not buttoned jeans, then there's the second trimester where you are getting a bit bigger, but not big enough to actually hold up maternity jeans, your shirts are either getting stretched out or being just tossed to the side because they won't fit any more. Then there's the third trimester. I shouldn't complain because at least I'm not having to live through this time during the summer. I have much respect for women who have babies born in June-September. Wow. I guess the hardest part about clothing in the third trimester is that you are just tired of the same four shirts. You're tired of the maternity pants constantly riding down. You're just tired. I'm tired.
That was my complaining rant. I am sorry you had to hear that, but it is the truth. I'm wondering if I just bought my jeans too big, or are all maternity jeans supposed to ride down? Maybe I need to just wear dresses... but then won't my legs get cold? What about the shoes you are supposed to wear with dresses? I never know what kind of shoes I can wear with them. I need to get new shoes... not to wear with dresses, but just to wear. Mine are getting pretty worn out and are starting to get on my nerves (like when the lining is rubbing on a part of your foot and it drives you crazy). All I want are some shoes that are comfortable and that look good with anything I wear. Are those kind of shoes out there? I don't even know. I have super high arches, so that always poses a problem. Most of the time I just get in-soles.
I've been seeing a chiropractor and I love it. My headaches are starting to go away, and I think my back pain has lessened. I think I would do this all the time if it weren't so expensive. We are doing it now because if I have everything in line it should help me with my VBAC.
I will be 31 weeks tomorrow. I can't believe it. About 9 weeks left. :)
Can I just say that sometimes I hate maternity clothes? :) Maybe I just hate how your body is constantly changing. That shirt fit last week, it doesn't fit this week. It's the slow transformation of pregnancy. There's the first trimester where your belly starts to get sensitive and you don't want to wear jeans, or at least not buttoned jeans, then there's the second trimester where you are getting a bit bigger, but not big enough to actually hold up maternity jeans, your shirts are either getting stretched out or being just tossed to the side because they won't fit any more. Then there's the third trimester. I shouldn't complain because at least I'm not having to live through this time during the summer. I have much respect for women who have babies born in June-September. Wow. I guess the hardest part about clothing in the third trimester is that you are just tired of the same four shirts. You're tired of the maternity pants constantly riding down. You're just tired. I'm tired.
That was my complaining rant. I am sorry you had to hear that, but it is the truth. I'm wondering if I just bought my jeans too big, or are all maternity jeans supposed to ride down? Maybe I need to just wear dresses... but then won't my legs get cold? What about the shoes you are supposed to wear with dresses? I never know what kind of shoes I can wear with them. I need to get new shoes... not to wear with dresses, but just to wear. Mine are getting pretty worn out and are starting to get on my nerves (like when the lining is rubbing on a part of your foot and it drives you crazy). All I want are some shoes that are comfortable and that look good with anything I wear. Are those kind of shoes out there? I don't even know. I have super high arches, so that always poses a problem. Most of the time I just get in-soles.
I've been seeing a chiropractor and I love it. My headaches are starting to go away, and I think my back pain has lessened. I think I would do this all the time if it weren't so expensive. We are doing it now because if I have everything in line it should help me with my VBAC.
I will be 31 weeks tomorrow. I can't believe it. About 9 weeks left. :)
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 16
Today I am 30 weeks. Mmmmm, that's a nice, even number, I like it. :) Ten more weeks to go. If she comes as early as Levi did I only have eight more. Eight weeks? Ten? That doesn't sound like very many. That's about 70 days. Okay, maybe that sounds like more.
I'm trying to figure out her kicks and wiggles. I'm praying she won't try to be breach. I think I've been feeling kicks down low the past few days, and she was breech at the Dr's office on Monday, I think. She still has some room to move, he said not to really be worried about it until I'm 34-36 weeks along. He also reminded me that babies can turn even in labor. (I don't think he said that to scare me, but to just encourage me). He was also all about me having a VBAC, (vaginal birth after cesarean), he said it would be better for me and for my baby. This is SO encouraging to hear at the Dr's office. Thank you Dr Simmons, it was the first time I got to meet you and you pretty much rocked. I'm just going to say the name of my clinic and OB on here in case anyone wants to know because I am such a fan of what they do and who they are. I go to Cornerstone and my official OB is Dr Singleton. I really decided I wanted to go there because I want to make every effort to have a successful VBAC as I can.
And now for my soapbox: If you are a new mother, expecting your first child and you have ANY reservations about your Dr, maybe he or she said something or did something that made you uncomfortable, maybe they want to "monitor you" for the whole labor (ie, make you wear belts that attach you to machines for the entire time you are at the hospital) maybe they laugh at your Birth Plan (if you don't know what that is, google it immediately please) I don't know, whatever it is, you need to remember something. YOU are the CUSTOMER. You are paying them and you can switch Dr's. I switched with Levi at 30 weeks. Granted, I didn't get into the clinic I really wanted to be in, but I got into a better clinic that was more natural childbirth friendly. I got with a Dr who wasn't going to try to control my birth. I'm just going to say this about the process too: it was easy. I didn't have to explain to my first OB why I didn't want her to be my Dr any more. I never saw her or her nurse, I just picked up my papers and took them to the new Dr. It was not a big deal at all. I got my insurance switched over, it was all fine.
Now, I'm not saying we need to be all waffly and wavy from here to there and back again. But, if you are starting to feel reservations, I would get them checked out. Ask around about your Dr, ask people who had births like you want to have. Probably the best people to talk to are doulas. They are going to be the ones who have worked with every OB in your city, find the local natural childbirth classes and ask for a doula. I would just encourage you not to settle. Don't brush stuff under the rug if he or she makes a comment that makes you uncomfortable. If that's how it is for just a regular office visit, then what is it going to be like when you are in labor? A woman who is in labor needs as much support around her as possible. Not a Dr who is telling her she can't have this baby and will instill fear or make her feel vulnerable.
Whew, that's my soapbox. I've just had too many friends who didn't have good experiences and I want to warn others who might be going down that road. Be careful. Be watchful.
I'm trying to figure out her kicks and wiggles. I'm praying she won't try to be breach. I think I've been feeling kicks down low the past few days, and she was breech at the Dr's office on Monday, I think. She still has some room to move, he said not to really be worried about it until I'm 34-36 weeks along. He also reminded me that babies can turn even in labor. (I don't think he said that to scare me, but to just encourage me). He was also all about me having a VBAC, (vaginal birth after cesarean), he said it would be better for me and for my baby. This is SO encouraging to hear at the Dr's office. Thank you Dr Simmons, it was the first time I got to meet you and you pretty much rocked. I'm just going to say the name of my clinic and OB on here in case anyone wants to know because I am such a fan of what they do and who they are. I go to Cornerstone and my official OB is Dr Singleton. I really decided I wanted to go there because I want to make every effort to have a successful VBAC as I can.
And now for my soapbox: If you are a new mother, expecting your first child and you have ANY reservations about your Dr, maybe he or she said something or did something that made you uncomfortable, maybe they want to "monitor you" for the whole labor (ie, make you wear belts that attach you to machines for the entire time you are at the hospital) maybe they laugh at your Birth Plan (if you don't know what that is, google it immediately please) I don't know, whatever it is, you need to remember something. YOU are the CUSTOMER. You are paying them and you can switch Dr's. I switched with Levi at 30 weeks. Granted, I didn't get into the clinic I really wanted to be in, but I got into a better clinic that was more natural childbirth friendly. I got with a Dr who wasn't going to try to control my birth. I'm just going to say this about the process too: it was easy. I didn't have to explain to my first OB why I didn't want her to be my Dr any more. I never saw her or her nurse, I just picked up my papers and took them to the new Dr. It was not a big deal at all. I got my insurance switched over, it was all fine.
Now, I'm not saying we need to be all waffly and wavy from here to there and back again. But, if you are starting to feel reservations, I would get them checked out. Ask around about your Dr, ask people who had births like you want to have. Probably the best people to talk to are doulas. They are going to be the ones who have worked with every OB in your city, find the local natural childbirth classes and ask for a doula. I would just encourage you not to settle. Don't brush stuff under the rug if he or she makes a comment that makes you uncomfortable. If that's how it is for just a regular office visit, then what is it going to be like when you are in labor? A woman who is in labor needs as much support around her as possible. Not a Dr who is telling her she can't have this baby and will instill fear or make her feel vulnerable.
Whew, that's my soapbox. I've just had too many friends who didn't have good experiences and I want to warn others who might be going down that road. Be careful. Be watchful.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I cannot keep silent... part 2
I guess I could blog while it's burning in my bones. I think apathy too easily takes over, especially in the afternoons and when I'm tired. Especially when I feel too small or too weak. Especially when I'm in the comfort of my own home.
Today I went to a seminar about adoption. It was about abortion too. It was also about Eugenics and the effect it is still having on our society.
I am constantly amazed at the lies that have been woven into our culture. Lies that I have believed. Stuff that I take for granted, "this is just the way things are..." I don't even know where to start. I wish you all could have sat with me and heard this guy, Ryan Bomberger's message. If you are interested you can go to this website: www.toomanyaborted.com Sounds like a weird title right? Well, their stance is that even ONE aborted is too many, just in case you wanted to get legalistic about it and try to complain. Oh well, anything you do, someone is always going to have a problem with it.
I'm not going to try to explain everything. I don't think that I can. In fact, I think I'm getting overwhelmed right now as I write. Honestly, I'm just a middle class white girl. So who am I to be spreading a message about how abortion is a genocide of our babies, particularly black babies. It was intended to be that way. A woman named Margaret Sanger started Planned Parenthood. She believed that black people were inferior to white people and started the Negro Project where she tried to get the black population "under control" by passing out birth control. If you want the whole story click here. It's pretty sickening. And scary.
The truth is that we here in modern day America are allowing abortions to take place every day. 14,000 babies are killed in abortions on a daily basis, white, black, hispanic... it doesn't matter their heritage or their skin color. And you know what I do? Nothing. That might be the saddest part. These babies are never allowed breath in their lungs to even cry out. Helpless? Yes, that would the epitome of helplessness. Psalm 82:3 says,
"Defend the weak and the fatherless,
uphold the cause of the poor and oppressed."
Have I done this? Maybe I've blogged about it a few times. Yes, I go volunteer at the Crisis Pregnancy Center on Thursday mornings... but really, isn't there something more? Oh my goodness, I want to weep because here I am, sitting my in my nice, comfy chair in my nice warm house on my nice little computer. I know I will have enough food, I'm being distracted by looking at my new Pintrest account and finding things to repin, I am on FB looking at pictures of friends, scrolling down my home feed, I am searching youtube for more Duggar videos I can watch...
Am I really torn up about this? Like, knock down, drag out, torn up. Am I really angry? Do I really have a passion for this thing or am I just letting it stroll on by?
As I was driving home I thought about what Ryan said. Adoption is a scary thing for me. I'm just gonna be honest about that. I have talked to my husband about it like once. I am probably more willing than he is, but I was so okay with him not wanting to adopt that I just dropped it and moved on, probably felt relieved.
Ryan said one of the main problems with the Pro Life movement is that adoption is an afterthought. It's an afterthought. This is kind of silly isn't it? All these "unplanned" pregnancies that we are fighting for women to keep their babies, but what if they don't have the resources to keep the child? Man, I don't want to paint this in a negative light because I do have a friend who chose to single parent her children and I don't want to lessen what she is doing. At least she chose life for those two babies. But really, we have demonized adoption in our culture. We think that because a child is adopted they will always "feel" like an outsider. Or we think that it will have damaging effects on a mother, don't get me wrong, that has got to be THE hardest thing in the world to carry a child for nine months and then release them to another family, but it's a lot better than taking that child's life before they are born. Maybe some of you can't believe me right now, but it's true, we see it often where the woman would rather abort her baby than give it up for adoption. Let me put that another way, she would rather have her baby killed in her womb than make a choice to save the baby's life, give him or her a chance at a better life than she could afford to give. Yes, we see it quite often.
If I am so pro-life why have I not considered adopting or foster parenting? This is something I need to pray about.
I'm so sorry if this is offensive. I don't want to offend, but at the same time, I'm not going to gloss over. I'm not going to be silent. Children are a gift from God, I am convinced that there are no "accidents" and that each child as a purpose. Right now I'm thinking of the 14,000 purposes that were destroyed today.
I gotta go. Gotta pray.
Today I went to a seminar about adoption. It was about abortion too. It was also about Eugenics and the effect it is still having on our society.
I am constantly amazed at the lies that have been woven into our culture. Lies that I have believed. Stuff that I take for granted, "this is just the way things are..." I don't even know where to start. I wish you all could have sat with me and heard this guy, Ryan Bomberger's message. If you are interested you can go to this website: www.toomanyaborted.com Sounds like a weird title right? Well, their stance is that even ONE aborted is too many, just in case you wanted to get legalistic about it and try to complain. Oh well, anything you do, someone is always going to have a problem with it.
I'm not going to try to explain everything. I don't think that I can. In fact, I think I'm getting overwhelmed right now as I write. Honestly, I'm just a middle class white girl. So who am I to be spreading a message about how abortion is a genocide of our babies, particularly black babies. It was intended to be that way. A woman named Margaret Sanger started Planned Parenthood. She believed that black people were inferior to white people and started the Negro Project where she tried to get the black population "under control" by passing out birth control. If you want the whole story click here. It's pretty sickening. And scary.
The truth is that we here in modern day America are allowing abortions to take place every day. 14,000 babies are killed in abortions on a daily basis, white, black, hispanic... it doesn't matter their heritage or their skin color. And you know what I do? Nothing. That might be the saddest part. These babies are never allowed breath in their lungs to even cry out. Helpless? Yes, that would the epitome of helplessness. Psalm 82:3 says,
"Defend the weak and the fatherless,
uphold the cause of the poor and oppressed."
Have I done this? Maybe I've blogged about it a few times. Yes, I go volunteer at the Crisis Pregnancy Center on Thursday mornings... but really, isn't there something more? Oh my goodness, I want to weep because here I am, sitting my in my nice, comfy chair in my nice warm house on my nice little computer. I know I will have enough food, I'm being distracted by looking at my new Pintrest account and finding things to repin, I am on FB looking at pictures of friends, scrolling down my home feed, I am searching youtube for more Duggar videos I can watch...
Am I really torn up about this? Like, knock down, drag out, torn up. Am I really angry? Do I really have a passion for this thing or am I just letting it stroll on by?
As I was driving home I thought about what Ryan said. Adoption is a scary thing for me. I'm just gonna be honest about that. I have talked to my husband about it like once. I am probably more willing than he is, but I was so okay with him not wanting to adopt that I just dropped it and moved on, probably felt relieved.
Ryan said one of the main problems with the Pro Life movement is that adoption is an afterthought. It's an afterthought. This is kind of silly isn't it? All these "unplanned" pregnancies that we are fighting for women to keep their babies, but what if they don't have the resources to keep the child? Man, I don't want to paint this in a negative light because I do have a friend who chose to single parent her children and I don't want to lessen what she is doing. At least she chose life for those two babies. But really, we have demonized adoption in our culture. We think that because a child is adopted they will always "feel" like an outsider. Or we think that it will have damaging effects on a mother, don't get me wrong, that has got to be THE hardest thing in the world to carry a child for nine months and then release them to another family, but it's a lot better than taking that child's life before they are born. Maybe some of you can't believe me right now, but it's true, we see it often where the woman would rather abort her baby than give it up for adoption. Let me put that another way, she would rather have her baby killed in her womb than make a choice to save the baby's life, give him or her a chance at a better life than she could afford to give. Yes, we see it quite often.
If I am so pro-life why have I not considered adopting or foster parenting? This is something I need to pray about.
I'm so sorry if this is offensive. I don't want to offend, but at the same time, I'm not going to gloss over. I'm not going to be silent. Children are a gift from God, I am convinced that there are no "accidents" and that each child as a purpose. Right now I'm thinking of the 14,000 purposes that were destroyed today.
I gotta go. Gotta pray.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Life with Levi part 3
Man, I did not want to blog today. Okay, yes I did. Right now I feel like I "deserve" to just sit around and watch shows on my computer, vege (I don't know how to spell this one) out, and just wait for my husband to come home. Ben's working late tonight because he has an install for his job. It doesn't happen that often and this time makes me grateful that he doesn't have a job that normally goes this late. I definitely missed him when it was time to put Levi down, I think it's just the fact that I have to lift a 30 pound kid into his crib while 28 weeks prego, that's the hard part.
If you saw my FB post you know that Levi has croup. Not cool. At all. Ben had croup a couple of times as a kid and had pneumonia a lot. His mom said one year he had it six times. Turns out that Ben had really bad allergies. He was allergic to everything the allergist tested him for. So if you have a kid who is prone to these kinds of things I would recommend you get them checked out for allergies. I think we will take Levi in to get him tested for allergies as soon as we can.
Maybe the scariest part of croup is just the fact that the child is having trouble breathing. Their throat closes up and they tend to kind of panic trying to catch their breath. Yesterday that happened a few times, so we got in the shower and steamed him up good. Then everyone suggested taking him out into the cold. That helped at 4:30 this morning. Levi woke up crying and struggling to breathe so I wrapped his blanket around him and ran him to the front porch. Thankfully it was chilly and raining after being in his warm, humid room. (We only have a heat humidifier, we're looking at investing in a cooler one). Probably the biggest blessing/surprise/Godsend of the night was when a friend messaged me on FB asking if she could bring over some essential oils that are supposed to help with croup. I was thinking "I will take whatever I can get" I didn't know how they would help or if they would. I have been slathering him with Vicks Baby Rub almost every night both on his feet and chest. Levi has gotten so that he lifts up his shirt so I can put it on. My friend came in and Levi was crying and coughing. She showed me which ones to put on him and how to mix it with vegetable oil and within minutes he was just sitting there and looking at her. Poor little guy and his big brown eyes, he must have been so tired. He had only slept for about an hour that day when his naps are usually 2-3 hours.
That night he slept most of the night. He did have some coughing spells about every hour or so, but no hysterical crying, just coughing and then going back to sleep. He did have the one episode at 4:30 but then didn't wake up again until 7:30 when we woke him up to leave for the Dr's. I ran in for every cough so, needless to say, I didn't sleep much.
This afternoon I laid down when he did. Ben had come home for lunch and let me shower. Then I put Levi down around 12:30, he maybe fell asleep around one. Well, around 2 he started coughing really bad. I broke a cardinal rule for naptimes (you don't go in their room or else they will see you and want to get up) and ran in. I scooped him up and brought him outside once again. Praise the Lord he stopped coughing. They say it is the shock of the cold air that opens the passage ways. I thought, "Great, now it's going to be another long afternoon, now that I have really woken him up with this cold air." He had this glassy, far off look in his eyes. He wanted to push the button for the doorbell. Sigh. Okay. Then we went inside to his room. He was asking for "food, food" and we sat down with our oils once again. I put them on him, the lavender, the RC, the Peace and Calm and he slowly drifted off to sleep in my arms. I couldn't believe it. That's when you know you child is sick, when they fall asleep in your arms and you don't normally do that.
Levi is sleeping right now. Maybe it was the sterroid inhaler, maybe it is the oils, or the medicine we got from the Dr, but things are starting to look a LOT better.
I think I might actually get to sleep tonight.
Oh yes, and if you want to know where to get the oils you can go to
http://youngliving.com/essential-and-massage-oils
If you saw my FB post you know that Levi has croup. Not cool. At all. Ben had croup a couple of times as a kid and had pneumonia a lot. His mom said one year he had it six times. Turns out that Ben had really bad allergies. He was allergic to everything the allergist tested him for. So if you have a kid who is prone to these kinds of things I would recommend you get them checked out for allergies. I think we will take Levi in to get him tested for allergies as soon as we can.
Maybe the scariest part of croup is just the fact that the child is having trouble breathing. Their throat closes up and they tend to kind of panic trying to catch their breath. Yesterday that happened a few times, so we got in the shower and steamed him up good. Then everyone suggested taking him out into the cold. That helped at 4:30 this morning. Levi woke up crying and struggling to breathe so I wrapped his blanket around him and ran him to the front porch. Thankfully it was chilly and raining after being in his warm, humid room. (We only have a heat humidifier, we're looking at investing in a cooler one). Probably the biggest blessing/surprise/Godsend of the night was when a friend messaged me on FB asking if she could bring over some essential oils that are supposed to help with croup. I was thinking "I will take whatever I can get" I didn't know how they would help or if they would. I have been slathering him with Vicks Baby Rub almost every night both on his feet and chest. Levi has gotten so that he lifts up his shirt so I can put it on. My friend came in and Levi was crying and coughing. She showed me which ones to put on him and how to mix it with vegetable oil and within minutes he was just sitting there and looking at her. Poor little guy and his big brown eyes, he must have been so tired. He had only slept for about an hour that day when his naps are usually 2-3 hours.
That night he slept most of the night. He did have some coughing spells about every hour or so, but no hysterical crying, just coughing and then going back to sleep. He did have the one episode at 4:30 but then didn't wake up again until 7:30 when we woke him up to leave for the Dr's. I ran in for every cough so, needless to say, I didn't sleep much.
This afternoon I laid down when he did. Ben had come home for lunch and let me shower. Then I put Levi down around 12:30, he maybe fell asleep around one. Well, around 2 he started coughing really bad. I broke a cardinal rule for naptimes (you don't go in their room or else they will see you and want to get up) and ran in. I scooped him up and brought him outside once again. Praise the Lord he stopped coughing. They say it is the shock of the cold air that opens the passage ways. I thought, "Great, now it's going to be another long afternoon, now that I have really woken him up with this cold air." He had this glassy, far off look in his eyes. He wanted to push the button for the doorbell. Sigh. Okay. Then we went inside to his room. He was asking for "food, food" and we sat down with our oils once again. I put them on him, the lavender, the RC, the Peace and Calm and he slowly drifted off to sleep in my arms. I couldn't believe it. That's when you know you child is sick, when they fall asleep in your arms and you don't normally do that.
Levi is sleeping right now. Maybe it was the sterroid inhaler, maybe it is the oils, or the medicine we got from the Dr, but things are starting to look a LOT better.
I think I might actually get to sleep tonight.
Oh yes, and if you want to know where to get the oils you can go to
http://youngliving.com/essential-and-massage-oils
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 15
I have thought about blogging so many times this week that I thought I already had... The brain plays funny tricks on you sometimes doesn't it?
We are on week 28. It's official today. 12 more weeks and then baby Aria will be here. Only 12, that doesn't sound like a lot, but it really kinda is.
This morning I was able to take a short walk. I realized I hadn't walked since last Friday and I wasn't walking nearly as much as I did with Levi. I think that's because it just takes more to go for a walk when you have an almost two year old running around. I have to get clothes on him, he has to cooperate in getting shoes or pants or whatever it is since it's not 80 degrees at 7 am in anymore. Then there is the battle of getting him into the stroller, the extra energy it takes to push a stroller (I am sooooo lame, yes, feel free to laugh at me, but it really makes a difference, I promise). Then when we come home he wants to play in the yard for a little while and ask to play in the hose even though the answer is ALWAYS "no" and then I have to get him to come inside. I have many choices in that arena, it's usually always a struggle. I can spank him, drag him, carry him, threaten him with a spanking (not very effective) bribe him... so really, walks are not this peaceful, relaxing thing anymore. It's fine if I don't have anything to do that day. I just let him do whatever, but this morning I needed to get in the shower and get dressed ... it's exhausting.
I just got a workbook about belly mapping. I kind of sort of looked through it the other day. It's sitting on my counter right now. I need to do that. I've been feeling kicks everywhere so I don't think she's gotten in position yet. I need to put aside my paranoia and just focus on learning about where she's at.
This past weekend was a tiny bit of a scare. Almost all day Friday I was nauseated and having some really firm contractions (not painful, but could feel my uterus tightening). I called my Dr (yes, I am resourceful and got his cell phone number from my father-in-law) now I know I can just call the emergency line my clinic offers. It didn't feel like an emergency, but it was something to be concerned about... I ended up going up to the hospital just to get on the monitors and measure Aria's heart rate or whatever. They were totally full. So full that a woman was in labor in the waiting room. Yikes. She was definitely having a hard contraction when we went by. I knew I wasn't going to be seen for a WHILE and thought I would be more comfortable at home anyways, so we went home and I just drank tons of water. That seemed to make things better. Then I threw up around 2 in the morning. That sucked. Saturday was just tiring and I did my best to just take it easy. I'm really thankful Ben was home and could help with Levi, I don't know what I would have done without him.
I think what I learned overall was that I was distracted on Friday and just forgot to drink and fill my water quota. Having a little one running around can be very distracting. So I am being very very concious about getting enough water in my days. I'm feeling much better :).
We are on week 28. It's official today. 12 more weeks and then baby Aria will be here. Only 12, that doesn't sound like a lot, but it really kinda is.
This morning I was able to take a short walk. I realized I hadn't walked since last Friday and I wasn't walking nearly as much as I did with Levi. I think that's because it just takes more to go for a walk when you have an almost two year old running around. I have to get clothes on him, he has to cooperate in getting shoes or pants or whatever it is since it's not 80 degrees at 7 am in anymore. Then there is the battle of getting him into the stroller, the extra energy it takes to push a stroller (I am sooooo lame, yes, feel free to laugh at me, but it really makes a difference, I promise). Then when we come home he wants to play in the yard for a little while and ask to play in the hose even though the answer is ALWAYS "no" and then I have to get him to come inside. I have many choices in that arena, it's usually always a struggle. I can spank him, drag him, carry him, threaten him with a spanking (not very effective) bribe him... so really, walks are not this peaceful, relaxing thing anymore. It's fine if I don't have anything to do that day. I just let him do whatever, but this morning I needed to get in the shower and get dressed ... it's exhausting.
I just got a workbook about belly mapping. I kind of sort of looked through it the other day. It's sitting on my counter right now. I need to do that. I've been feeling kicks everywhere so I don't think she's gotten in position yet. I need to put aside my paranoia and just focus on learning about where she's at.
This past weekend was a tiny bit of a scare. Almost all day Friday I was nauseated and having some really firm contractions (not painful, but could feel my uterus tightening). I called my Dr (yes, I am resourceful and got his cell phone number from my father-in-law) now I know I can just call the emergency line my clinic offers. It didn't feel like an emergency, but it was something to be concerned about... I ended up going up to the hospital just to get on the monitors and measure Aria's heart rate or whatever. They were totally full. So full that a woman was in labor in the waiting room. Yikes. She was definitely having a hard contraction when we went by. I knew I wasn't going to be seen for a WHILE and thought I would be more comfortable at home anyways, so we went home and I just drank tons of water. That seemed to make things better. Then I threw up around 2 in the morning. That sucked. Saturday was just tiring and I did my best to just take it easy. I'm really thankful Ben was home and could help with Levi, I don't know what I would have done without him.
I think what I learned overall was that I was distracted on Friday and just forgot to drink and fill my water quota. Having a little one running around can be very distracting. So I am being very very concious about getting enough water in my days. I'm feeling much better :).
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Granola Recipe
I have never posted a recipe before, but this morning I was just sitting here eating this AMAZING granola and thought, "why not share this with the world?" My friend was surprised when I told her I made my own granola. It's really easy to make, so I just thought I would share.
I got it from a cookbook I have called "The Peach Tree Tea Room Cookbook"
and it's titled Sally's Granola
3 cups rolled oats
1 cup coconut (I used sweetened)
1/2 cup wheat germ
1/2 cup wheat bran (I didn't have these two items so I just put in whole wheat flour and added some whole flaxseeds)
2 cups chopped nuts and seeds, she recommends cashews, walnuts, sunflower seeds, and almonds, you can't go wrong. I used almonds, pecans, and peanuts (that's what I had and they were CHEAP:))
1 cup honey
3/4 cup oil
1 tablespoon vanilla
2 cups of raisins (I left these out because I have "issues" with raisins... yes, "issues" Ben can add them afterwards if he wants)
1. Combine first five ingredients in a large bowl
2. In a small bowl combine honey, oil and vanilla
3. Toss with oat-nut mixture, coating thoroughly. Place in a large shallow pan and bake at 300-325 for 45 to 60 minutes or until dry and toasty looking, stirring every 10 minutes. Add raisins after cooked. Allow to cool and refrigerate in airtight containers
Makes 9 cups
There you go. I love the heartiness of this recipe and just how I know everything that is going into it. It pretty much beats the snot out of the grocery store brand.
Here's my pic of the finished product.
I got it from a cookbook I have called "The Peach Tree Tea Room Cookbook"
and it's titled Sally's Granola
3 cups rolled oats
1 cup coconut (I used sweetened)
1/2 cup wheat germ
1/2 cup wheat bran (I didn't have these two items so I just put in whole wheat flour and added some whole flaxseeds)
2 cups chopped nuts and seeds, she recommends cashews, walnuts, sunflower seeds, and almonds, you can't go wrong. I used almonds, pecans, and peanuts (that's what I had and they were CHEAP:))
1 cup honey
3/4 cup oil
1 tablespoon vanilla
2 cups of raisins (I left these out because I have "issues" with raisins... yes, "issues" Ben can add them afterwards if he wants)
1. Combine first five ingredients in a large bowl
2. In a small bowl combine honey, oil and vanilla
3. Toss with oat-nut mixture, coating thoroughly. Place in a large shallow pan and bake at 300-325 for 45 to 60 minutes or until dry and toasty looking, stirring every 10 minutes. Add raisins after cooked. Allow to cool and refrigerate in airtight containers
Makes 9 cups
There you go. I love the heartiness of this recipe and just how I know everything that is going into it. It pretty much beats the snot out of the grocery store brand.
Here's my pic of the finished product.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 14
So my stomach is now being pushed up into my ribs... I've realized sometimes that when I bend over I get heartburn. It's not really anything that I eat, it's more like there's no where else for my stomach acids to go... sorry, that's too much information, I shouldn't have said that.
Hello third trimester, I had forgotten all about you after Levi was born. You were just this faint memory of having to pee all the time, difficulty bending over or getting up, I had forgotten this part. I never realized just how much I use my abs, I had taken for granted how easy it is to bend over and pick something up. Hello week 27.
I'm trying to be more careful about the position of Aria than I was with Levi. I wasn't quite sure what was going on with him, the Dr told me that he was head down so I just believed him. I didn't pay much attention to kicks and things, so I wonder how long Levi was breech. I'm trying to sit up as much as possible so that she won't be facing the wrong way, it just feels like I can't really relax sometimes. I think I'm going to order the workbook for belly mapping. You can get it here if you are interested. I think just to be aware of what is going on will be good. I want to take as many steps towards a VBAC as I can.
Hello third trimester, I had forgotten all about you after Levi was born. You were just this faint memory of having to pee all the time, difficulty bending over or getting up, I had forgotten this part. I never realized just how much I use my abs, I had taken for granted how easy it is to bend over and pick something up. Hello week 27.
I'm trying to be more careful about the position of Aria than I was with Levi. I wasn't quite sure what was going on with him, the Dr told me that he was head down so I just believed him. I didn't pay much attention to kicks and things, so I wonder how long Levi was breech. I'm trying to sit up as much as possible so that she won't be facing the wrong way, it just feels like I can't really relax sometimes. I think I'm going to order the workbook for belly mapping. You can get it here if you are interested. I think just to be aware of what is going on will be good. I want to take as many steps towards a VBAC as I can.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
gratitude
Well, tomorrow I will officially be 27 weeks. Now, 40 weeks doesn't sound that long when you hear about it, but really, it's just 12 weeks shy of a year. I have had to fight a lot of discontentment. I think that's a struggle in pregnancy because you keep looking forward to when you can hold your baby in your arms, when you can just take a break from life and have that new honeymoon time with your sweet little newborn baby. You don't think about all the crying, the struggles with nursing, the struggles with sleeping and schedules and them needing to gain weight or spitting up everything...
I want to be content with today. I want to thank God for today, not hope for tomorrow, not wish I was in the past. Just to be thankful for today.
I have had a rough time with Levi these past few days. I'm going to preface this by saying, I have a very good little boy. He is sweet and attentive and intelligent, but he also disobeys. What child doesn't disobey? If you don't believe that we are born with a natural tendency toward sin, you just need to parent a two year old. It actually starts around 18 months, they just round it up to two. After that you have the threes and then the fours and the fives and all those struggles in all those stages. Are you catching my drift? It's NEVER done. Romans 3:23 could never be truer: ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Okay, sorry, that was a bit of a tangent. Levi has now decided that every moment is a chase game. I am laughing in my head as I say this because it feels like EVERY time I ask him to come, I go to pick him up, I tell him we are going to change his diaper he gets this look in his eye that says "You gotta catch me first!" It feels a lot like if there is ANYTHING I want him to do, he won't do it. He wants to do the opposite of it. Even if it's a fun thing like getting in the car or reading a book, it's starting to feel manipulative. I'm wondering if he's trying to punish me because I was gone for a week, or maybe he's just trying to see what I will give in to. Either way, it has felt relentless. This morning he wanted me to read to him, so I went and sat down on the loveseat for us to read and he insisted on sitting on the couch. No, mommy's not going to move, you have two little legs, you can come sit on the loveseat. So he protested and protested. And I kept telling him, no, we are sitting on the loveseat. Finally, I thought, this is ridiculous, we are wasting time and he is whining, I'll just go sit on the couch. No lie, I hadn't been sitting there for five seconds when he got down and walked over to the loveseat and climbed up on it. Are you kidding me? No way Jose, I'm not doing this. I'm warring in my head? Do I punish him? Do I go do something else? Do I just sit here and wait for him to come back? I ended up sitting there and looking at him. He eventually came back, but I realized in that moment that he was testing me. Oh my gosh, to be controlled by a two year old... I've got to watch out for this stuff in the future. I mean, I can't let him control me like that. Lord, help me to be discerning of my child's heart. I love him, but I don't want him to think he can manipulate people into doing what he wants. Please help me Lord!
Today I am thankful for (in no particular order):
A smart little boy who is always surprising me
Decaf coffee in the afternoon
Lunch with an awesome friend
A husband who is solid, faithful and consistent
A beautiful house to live in
Our washing machine, dishwasher and other appliances that I take for granted every day
My yoga video
Being able to listen to Dave Ramsey podcasts
The living and active Word of God and how I get to put it on my walls and it speaks to me almost every day in a new way.
That I have hope beyond this short life we are living, I have hope that someday I won't live every day wishing for the future, I won't struggle with discontentment, my flesh won't be yearning, my spirit will be with my eternal Father, I won't struggle with loneliness or isolation, I won't struggle with trying to connect with friendships, fellowship will not get drowned out in business or just the fact that we live in a broken, fragmented world.
Life is good, life is beautiful.
I want to be content with today. I want to thank God for today, not hope for tomorrow, not wish I was in the past. Just to be thankful for today.
I have had a rough time with Levi these past few days. I'm going to preface this by saying, I have a very good little boy. He is sweet and attentive and intelligent, but he also disobeys. What child doesn't disobey? If you don't believe that we are born with a natural tendency toward sin, you just need to parent a two year old. It actually starts around 18 months, they just round it up to two. After that you have the threes and then the fours and the fives and all those struggles in all those stages. Are you catching my drift? It's NEVER done. Romans 3:23 could never be truer: ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Okay, sorry, that was a bit of a tangent. Levi has now decided that every moment is a chase game. I am laughing in my head as I say this because it feels like EVERY time I ask him to come, I go to pick him up, I tell him we are going to change his diaper he gets this look in his eye that says "You gotta catch me first!" It feels a lot like if there is ANYTHING I want him to do, he won't do it. He wants to do the opposite of it. Even if it's a fun thing like getting in the car or reading a book, it's starting to feel manipulative. I'm wondering if he's trying to punish me because I was gone for a week, or maybe he's just trying to see what I will give in to. Either way, it has felt relentless. This morning he wanted me to read to him, so I went and sat down on the loveseat for us to read and he insisted on sitting on the couch. No, mommy's not going to move, you have two little legs, you can come sit on the loveseat. So he protested and protested. And I kept telling him, no, we are sitting on the loveseat. Finally, I thought, this is ridiculous, we are wasting time and he is whining, I'll just go sit on the couch. No lie, I hadn't been sitting there for five seconds when he got down and walked over to the loveseat and climbed up on it. Are you kidding me? No way Jose, I'm not doing this. I'm warring in my head? Do I punish him? Do I go do something else? Do I just sit here and wait for him to come back? I ended up sitting there and looking at him. He eventually came back, but I realized in that moment that he was testing me. Oh my gosh, to be controlled by a two year old... I've got to watch out for this stuff in the future. I mean, I can't let him control me like that. Lord, help me to be discerning of my child's heart. I love him, but I don't want him to think he can manipulate people into doing what he wants. Please help me Lord!
Today I am thankful for (in no particular order):
A smart little boy who is always surprising me
Decaf coffee in the afternoon
Lunch with an awesome friend
A husband who is solid, faithful and consistent
A beautiful house to live in
Our washing machine, dishwasher and other appliances that I take for granted every day
My yoga video
Being able to listen to Dave Ramsey podcasts
The living and active Word of God and how I get to put it on my walls and it speaks to me almost every day in a new way.
That I have hope beyond this short life we are living, I have hope that someday I won't live every day wishing for the future, I won't struggle with discontentment, my flesh won't be yearning, my spirit will be with my eternal Father, I won't struggle with loneliness or isolation, I won't struggle with trying to connect with friendships, fellowship will not get drowned out in business or just the fact that we live in a broken, fragmented world.
Life is good, life is beautiful.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I cannot keep silent...
I guess I am wanting to blog just to ask for prayer. I am at a conference for an organization called Care Net right now. It's really good, really amazing. I have learned so much, cried a lot, prayed a lot... felt overwhelmed a lot.
I've been involved with our Crisis Pregnancy Center for a little more than a year now. I counseling and mentoring every Thursday morning. It's not much, but it's been an amazing outlet for ministry in my life. I have met more girls there and gotten to share my faith, encourage girls, and have even had an ongoing discipleship relationship with one. It's amazing to see the Lord work.
So a little while back our Operations Manager at the Center asked if I wanted to go to this conference. I think people think I am more on top of things than I really am... I had expressed interest in coming to a conference before, just to learn more and be better trained.
Anyways, I have felt so inadequate. I also have felt a heaviness. Maybe I'm tired from being six months pregnant, traveling to Florida, staying in a hotel, going to sessions and doing my best to take notes on and absorb all this information. But I feel like it's something more than that. Really, we are here because of abortion. We are here because our nation decided that it should be legal to take the lives of tiny babies, even before they can take a breath. We are here because medical physicians have made the decision (yes, made the decision) to go into the business of aborting babies.
This is something that Satan is all about. He has come to steal, kill and destroy. So many women have believed the lie that this is the only way out. Statistically one in four women in America has had an abortion. So statistically, some of you who are reading this have had an abortion. I am not standing here to condemn you, I am not saying that if I had been in your circumstances I would not have done the same thing. I'm here saying, I'm so sorry. I am weeping for you. Maybe it has been a long time and maybe you've done your best to put it on the back burner. I'm so sorry to be reminding you if that is the case. The truth is, there is healing. There are steps you can take to grieve and reconcile and be in freedom from your abortion. If you want to find out about that process you can go to our website and find out about it.
I think more than anything, this has just been a sobering time. I don't even know what to write in this moment, I think just to ask for prayer over my mind and my spirit. I keep thinking about my little Levi and what a gift he is, and how precious it is to feel Aria moving around inside of me... I feel like this whole thing is pulling at my heart strings as a mother in a new way.
Lord, please give me strength. Help me to learn, help me to speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves. These babies are near and dear to Your heart and I know you are weeping for them as they are being taken from their mother's wombs. You are a Father to the fatherless, You open the eyes of the blind, Your truth sets us free. Please help me Lord.
I've been involved with our Crisis Pregnancy Center for a little more than a year now. I counseling and mentoring every Thursday morning. It's not much, but it's been an amazing outlet for ministry in my life. I have met more girls there and gotten to share my faith, encourage girls, and have even had an ongoing discipleship relationship with one. It's amazing to see the Lord work.
So a little while back our Operations Manager at the Center asked if I wanted to go to this conference. I think people think I am more on top of things than I really am... I had expressed interest in coming to a conference before, just to learn more and be better trained.
Anyways, I have felt so inadequate. I also have felt a heaviness. Maybe I'm tired from being six months pregnant, traveling to Florida, staying in a hotel, going to sessions and doing my best to take notes on and absorb all this information. But I feel like it's something more than that. Really, we are here because of abortion. We are here because our nation decided that it should be legal to take the lives of tiny babies, even before they can take a breath. We are here because medical physicians have made the decision (yes, made the decision) to go into the business of aborting babies.
This is something that Satan is all about. He has come to steal, kill and destroy. So many women have believed the lie that this is the only way out. Statistically one in four women in America has had an abortion. So statistically, some of you who are reading this have had an abortion. I am not standing here to condemn you, I am not saying that if I had been in your circumstances I would not have done the same thing. I'm here saying, I'm so sorry. I am weeping for you. Maybe it has been a long time and maybe you've done your best to put it on the back burner. I'm so sorry to be reminding you if that is the case. The truth is, there is healing. There are steps you can take to grieve and reconcile and be in freedom from your abortion. If you want to find out about that process you can go to our website and find out about it.
I think more than anything, this has just been a sobering time. I don't even know what to write in this moment, I think just to ask for prayer over my mind and my spirit. I keep thinking about my little Levi and what a gift he is, and how precious it is to feel Aria moving around inside of me... I feel like this whole thing is pulling at my heart strings as a mother in a new way.
Lord, please give me strength. Help me to learn, help me to speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves. These babies are near and dear to Your heart and I know you are weeping for them as they are being taken from their mother's wombs. You are a Father to the fatherless, You open the eyes of the blind, Your truth sets us free. Please help me Lord.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Life with Levi part 2
This morning I was thinking about how refining it is to be a parent.
What is that song?
Holiness, holiness is what I long for,
Holiness, holiness is what I need
Holiness, holiness is what You want for me...
Holiness is not a comfortable, easy thing to attain. It's not like I'm just going to walk down a flowery, happy path and become holy. It's that I'm going to be tested by fire, by life and come through refined. Tested. I was tested yesterday as I'm chasing after Levi to get clothes on after a bath, tested with patience, that I wouldn't become angry and discipline him in anger. Testing as I am cleaning out diapers for my son. (I sort of feel like changing diapers is maybe the lowest form of servant hood in parenting. No one wants to do it, but it must be done, we must humble ourselves to that level and wipe the poo off of our child's bottom. It smells, it's disgusting, but it is necessary. I feel like it's one of the more ultimate day to day sacrifices... I'm just sayin')
I am tested as I'm trying to get Levi to eat healthy foods that he doesn't want to eat. Help me to be patient, not to raise my voice, not to get angry. To just keep telling him he has to eat it, and then when he flat out refuses we have to spank him. (side note here: Yes, we spank him. But I never want to spank him in anger, and we almost always pray afterwards and hug. I appreciate spankings because they don't drag out the punishment. It is quick, painful and then over. We get to move on with life. It has also been extremely effective with Levi, he has stopped throwing his food on the floor and spitting it out and he is eating his carrots and black beans all because we took the time to mindfully and consistently spank him and talk about what he did.)
Okay, wait, I'm going to go into the spanking thing a little further with this. I want to always make the spankings private and intentional. I'm not going to just haul off and whack my kid because he did something I didn't like at the moment. We spank when he directly disobeys. I will take him to his room or a bathroom if we are in public, or the car. some place where we will be alone. This is how I can show respect for him. I would not want to be punished in front of a huge crowd of people, so I'm not going to do that to my child and shame him. Then we always pray with him (this calms him down most of the time) and I tell him I love him and we hug. Then we move on. I'm especially thankful for the prayer afterwards because it directs my heart towards the Lord and it is an opportunity to just pray over my son, that he would come to know the Lord someday, that he would learn to obey authority, that the lesson would sink into his heart... it's an opportunity to thank God for my son and just love on him.
These moments of discipline are never convenient. They happen mostly when I am tired or busy or we are about to leave or he is strapped in his high chair... more testing in my own life. Patience gets magnified and learning times a hundred with children. You just thought you were a patient, loving person... and then you have kids. :) Kids teach you WHAT patience is. It is a beautiful, refining thing.
Lord, help me as I parent my children. Give me more patience, give me a heart for them and their betterment. I pray that they would come to know You and have a passion for You and Your Word. Help me to do what is necessary today in their lives as well as mine.
What is that song?
Holiness, holiness is what I long for,
Holiness, holiness is what I need
Holiness, holiness is what You want for me...
Holiness is not a comfortable, easy thing to attain. It's not like I'm just going to walk down a flowery, happy path and become holy. It's that I'm going to be tested by fire, by life and come through refined. Tested. I was tested yesterday as I'm chasing after Levi to get clothes on after a bath, tested with patience, that I wouldn't become angry and discipline him in anger. Testing as I am cleaning out diapers for my son. (I sort of feel like changing diapers is maybe the lowest form of servant hood in parenting. No one wants to do it, but it must be done, we must humble ourselves to that level and wipe the poo off of our child's bottom. It smells, it's disgusting, but it is necessary. I feel like it's one of the more ultimate day to day sacrifices... I'm just sayin')
I am tested as I'm trying to get Levi to eat healthy foods that he doesn't want to eat. Help me to be patient, not to raise my voice, not to get angry. To just keep telling him he has to eat it, and then when he flat out refuses we have to spank him. (side note here: Yes, we spank him. But I never want to spank him in anger, and we almost always pray afterwards and hug. I appreciate spankings because they don't drag out the punishment. It is quick, painful and then over. We get to move on with life. It has also been extremely effective with Levi, he has stopped throwing his food on the floor and spitting it out and he is eating his carrots and black beans all because we took the time to mindfully and consistently spank him and talk about what he did.)
Okay, wait, I'm going to go into the spanking thing a little further with this. I want to always make the spankings private and intentional. I'm not going to just haul off and whack my kid because he did something I didn't like at the moment. We spank when he directly disobeys. I will take him to his room or a bathroom if we are in public, or the car. some place where we will be alone. This is how I can show respect for him. I would not want to be punished in front of a huge crowd of people, so I'm not going to do that to my child and shame him. Then we always pray with him (this calms him down most of the time) and I tell him I love him and we hug. Then we move on. I'm especially thankful for the prayer afterwards because it directs my heart towards the Lord and it is an opportunity to just pray over my son, that he would come to know the Lord someday, that he would learn to obey authority, that the lesson would sink into his heart... it's an opportunity to thank God for my son and just love on him.
These moments of discipline are never convenient. They happen mostly when I am tired or busy or we are about to leave or he is strapped in his high chair... more testing in my own life. Patience gets magnified and learning times a hundred with children. You just thought you were a patient, loving person... and then you have kids. :) Kids teach you WHAT patience is. It is a beautiful, refining thing.
Lord, help me as I parent my children. Give me more patience, give me a heart for them and their betterment. I pray that they would come to know You and have a passion for You and Your Word. Help me to do what is necessary today in their lives as well as mine.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 13
I'm feeling the need to post this morning. I was just sitting there, reading my Bible and it was just like the Lord told me to put it down and write. Okay, that's cool.
I've got a lot bouncing around in my mind right now, I didn't sleep much last night. Around 4 am Aria decided it was time to do jumping jacks, I'm guessing for about half an hour... the cool part is that I decided not to be frustrated with her that she was jumping around in my belly, but just to be amazed that there is a little baby growing inside of me... INSIDE me. Do you get that? I mean, do you really get that? A little person is in there, growing and developing and swimming around. She (it's a SHE, I'm amazed that we can know this) has no idea what time it is, she just knows mommy is being still so this is her chance to really get some exercise in. She's probably got those peanut butter cookies I ate yesterday coursing through her little veins and has energy galore. Whatever I eat, whatever I do, it effects her. I have the most influence on her tiny life right now. I am a safe home for her until she is ready to come and be held in my arms, and be fed again from my body. Until she is ready to meet her daddy and her big brother. I am amazed at this. How is it that I have this privilege? I can feel her kicks, I know where her little feet are, I am starting to feel her little frame as she rolls around inside of me. She is with me all the time, attached and growing. She will not always be with me. Just this short period of 40 weeks. I will have to slowly let go of her throughout her lifetime. Someday she will be a young woman... I can't even imagine this.
I'm looking for things that will encourage me on this journey throughout motherhood. There are a lot of things that will discourage and discount it. I would say our culture is not pro family at all. Maybe that's why I'm amazed that a family like the Duggars can have their own TV show. I have heard about the Duggars for a long time now. I never started watching the show until I have Levi. Maybe I was bored, maybe I was fascinated that a woman could do what I had just done 19 times... I don't know. I started watching their show. Unlike most television, it was encouraging. Yes, they tend to be out of style, the girls all wear skirts and have long hair, they are ultra conservative... but what they do is pretty amazing. Maybe I'm most amazed that they don't raise their voice at each other. Maybe I'm amazed that their kids all seem to have this genuine love for one another. I'm amazed that Michelle (the mom) genuinely loves each of her children individually, knows them, treasures them, and even gets excited that there will be a new baby coming. Each one she acts as though it were her first one, all the kids get excited about welcoming a new baby into the family, it's like there's this tone in their household that delights in children, that delights in people. I love the fact that they give glory to the Lord. They talk about how God changed their lives, gave them convictions and they have held to those convictions no matter what. They decided they wouldn't ever go in debt. The other day I found this: 14 and Pregnant Again where they were living in a three bedroom, two bathroom house with 14 kids. I think they lived that way until they had 16 children. I love the way their children are not selfish. I believe it's because there's not room to be selfish.
All of this makes me want to have a big family. I know it will not be just like the Duggars, I know I would have to be more organized than I am now. I know I will have to cut down on the extra curricular activities, but I think it would be an amazing thing to raise children in this way.
Lord, help me to have perspective. I want to pour You into my children. Thank You for my Levi and my Aria. I pray that Ben and I would be mindful of our time and devote ourselves to You alone.
I've got a lot bouncing around in my mind right now, I didn't sleep much last night. Around 4 am Aria decided it was time to do jumping jacks, I'm guessing for about half an hour... the cool part is that I decided not to be frustrated with her that she was jumping around in my belly, but just to be amazed that there is a little baby growing inside of me... INSIDE me. Do you get that? I mean, do you really get that? A little person is in there, growing and developing and swimming around. She (it's a SHE, I'm amazed that we can know this) has no idea what time it is, she just knows mommy is being still so this is her chance to really get some exercise in. She's probably got those peanut butter cookies I ate yesterday coursing through her little veins and has energy galore. Whatever I eat, whatever I do, it effects her. I have the most influence on her tiny life right now. I am a safe home for her until she is ready to come and be held in my arms, and be fed again from my body. Until she is ready to meet her daddy and her big brother. I am amazed at this. How is it that I have this privilege? I can feel her kicks, I know where her little feet are, I am starting to feel her little frame as she rolls around inside of me. She is with me all the time, attached and growing. She will not always be with me. Just this short period of 40 weeks. I will have to slowly let go of her throughout her lifetime. Someday she will be a young woman... I can't even imagine this.
I'm looking for things that will encourage me on this journey throughout motherhood. There are a lot of things that will discourage and discount it. I would say our culture is not pro family at all. Maybe that's why I'm amazed that a family like the Duggars can have their own TV show. I have heard about the Duggars for a long time now. I never started watching the show until I have Levi. Maybe I was bored, maybe I was fascinated that a woman could do what I had just done 19 times... I don't know. I started watching their show. Unlike most television, it was encouraging. Yes, they tend to be out of style, the girls all wear skirts and have long hair, they are ultra conservative... but what they do is pretty amazing. Maybe I'm most amazed that they don't raise their voice at each other. Maybe I'm amazed that their kids all seem to have this genuine love for one another. I'm amazed that Michelle (the mom) genuinely loves each of her children individually, knows them, treasures them, and even gets excited that there will be a new baby coming. Each one she acts as though it were her first one, all the kids get excited about welcoming a new baby into the family, it's like there's this tone in their household that delights in children, that delights in people. I love the fact that they give glory to the Lord. They talk about how God changed their lives, gave them convictions and they have held to those convictions no matter what. They decided they wouldn't ever go in debt. The other day I found this: 14 and Pregnant Again where they were living in a three bedroom, two bathroom house with 14 kids. I think they lived that way until they had 16 children. I love the way their children are not selfish. I believe it's because there's not room to be selfish.
All of this makes me want to have a big family. I know it will not be just like the Duggars, I know I would have to be more organized than I am now. I know I will have to cut down on the extra curricular activities, but I think it would be an amazing thing to raise children in this way.
Lord, help me to have perspective. I want to pour You into my children. Thank You for my Levi and my Aria. I pray that Ben and I would be mindful of our time and devote ourselves to You alone.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 12
I'm taking a break from video editing, sometimes my brain just needs to switch gears. So, now I'm blogging, of course. I love editing videos. It's one of the unexpected benefits of owning a Mac. They can make you look really smart. My family is all amazed at the videos I put out, but really, it's not much. All you have to have is an artistic eye and an ear for music and several hours. I just wish I had a big monitor or maybe two monitors and some good speakers so that when I watch my video on my in laws big screen tv I'm not surprised that I accidentally picked that photo or maybe that music was a little too loud in this place. I really should just be happy with my 14" MacBook though.
I'm blogging mainly because Aria is reminding me to write about her. She's kicking on my tummy, I guess her head is down and feet are up kicking directly into my abs. It doesn't hurt, it just feels weird. Maybe the weirdest feeling is when she decides to do a flip while I'm doing something. It's a fast flip too, or something where she is moving pretty suddenly. I hesitate to write this, but it's on my mind and I hope she doesn't mind. I don't even know if she reads this blog. I have a sweet friend who recently lost her baby at 36 weeks (I think) along, I heard it was because the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. It makes me really think about what is going on in my womb. It also makes me realize how little control I have over what goes on. I mean, I guess I have some and there are all kinds of moves you can do if you need to position your baby and everything, but really, something like that is so unforeseeable. I have just been thinking about how it is just another way we have to have faith. We have to release our children to the Lord even as babies in the womb. I have to release the fact that I won't always be there to make sure everything is perfect. New moms have to release the fact that their baby can go to sleep and so can the mom, We have to release them into the care of others at times, we have to release their safety to the Lord. And honestly, it's not always a release that is "safe" ... oh sure, we like to think that everything is safe and sound and that because we have a good God that He will automatically do what we want Him to do... but that is not true at all. He is a good God. He is merciful and just and He is powerful, but that doesn't mean He is going to do things that we understand perfectly at the time, just ask my friend.
I am learning that life is more precious than I ever thought. It is fragile and delicate. Each child is brought into this world not easily and, oops, we forgot to use birth control that time, but each child has a purpose. God ordained each and every one. It takes a long time to usher them in. There is a lot of pain and discomfort involved. There is a lot of sacrifice. But is it worth it? Most definitely. I wouldn't trade Levi for the world. Was he worth every ounce of that effort despite how frustrating he can be at times? Most definitely.
Aria, come quickly, we are excited to get to see you:)
I'm blogging mainly because Aria is reminding me to write about her. She's kicking on my tummy, I guess her head is down and feet are up kicking directly into my abs. It doesn't hurt, it just feels weird. Maybe the weirdest feeling is when she decides to do a flip while I'm doing something. It's a fast flip too, or something where she is moving pretty suddenly. I hesitate to write this, but it's on my mind and I hope she doesn't mind. I don't even know if she reads this blog. I have a sweet friend who recently lost her baby at 36 weeks (I think) along, I heard it was because the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. It makes me really think about what is going on in my womb. It also makes me realize how little control I have over what goes on. I mean, I guess I have some and there are all kinds of moves you can do if you need to position your baby and everything, but really, something like that is so unforeseeable. I have just been thinking about how it is just another way we have to have faith. We have to release our children to the Lord even as babies in the womb. I have to release the fact that I won't always be there to make sure everything is perfect. New moms have to release the fact that their baby can go to sleep and so can the mom, We have to release them into the care of others at times, we have to release their safety to the Lord. And honestly, it's not always a release that is "safe" ... oh sure, we like to think that everything is safe and sound and that because we have a good God that He will automatically do what we want Him to do... but that is not true at all. He is a good God. He is merciful and just and He is powerful, but that doesn't mean He is going to do things that we understand perfectly at the time, just ask my friend.
I am learning that life is more precious than I ever thought. It is fragile and delicate. Each child is brought into this world not easily and, oops, we forgot to use birth control that time, but each child has a purpose. God ordained each and every one. It takes a long time to usher them in. There is a lot of pain and discomfort involved. There is a lot of sacrifice. But is it worth it? Most definitely. I wouldn't trade Levi for the world. Was he worth every ounce of that effort despite how frustrating he can be at times? Most definitely.
Aria, come quickly, we are excited to get to see you:)
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 11
I love the feeling of fall coming. The excitement in the air of the cool weather, getting to wear jeans and long sleeves. I'm sitting here in my fluffy robe and the window open, just feeling the coolness seep into our house. Makes me feel like drinking lattes, smelling pumpkin spice (I need to get one of those candles:)), the leaves, the air, makes me want to start baking things. Sigh... I love it. It's so full of anticipation for the many big holidays coming up.
I'm 24 weeks today. Aria is continuing to grow and have regular workouts in the womb. Sometimes I think she is jumping up and down. I have a feeling she will be active and strong, a good playmate for her big brother. :) I'm wondering if she will be less cautious than him (Levi is pretty cautious and sometimes easily frightened). I wonder if she will be the daring little sister like I was. Lord, help me not to project my life onto her. Help me to see her as her own person with her own perspective, her own experiences. Help me to allow her to be who YOU created her to be.
I think I'm starting to nest. You know? There's like this natural instinct that kicks in with pregnant women and they start cleaning things or working on projects to improve their "nest" or their home. Mine usually kicks in around 9 pm and I'm mopping the kitchen floor or shampooing the carpets. We borrowed the carpet shampooer from Ben's parents yesterday so we could clean up the throw up smell... yes, Levi threw up three times yesterday. I'm hoping he'll be alright today. Secretly I am excited because the spots on the carpet in other areas have been staring at me for months and I've just been itching for it. I kept bringing it up and Ben would say, let's wait and have them professionally cleaned, or let's get new carpet. I'm thinking "no" in this area because we already need to buy a new (used) car for when Aria gets here, new tires, new brakes for the one we are going to keep... We are thinking of getting a mini van... yikes. That's a leap isn't it?
There's so much to being an adult and making adult decisions. You don't wait on your parents to make decisions and they decided whether or not to get new carpet or a new car... Ben and I actually GET to make a decision. The problem is that I'm really conservative with money, he feels more freedom to spend. :) I take a lot longer to make decisions (that's how it went in our family growing up) Ben makes decisions quickly. We have had our disagreements in this area. I am praying God will help me to submit to Ben's authority but also give him wise counsel (without nagging). Ben is very good at listening to me and considering my opinion. Lord, please help us to be wise with our resources! Help us as we go through life, help us to glorify You with what we have.
Only about 16 weeks left. Lord, help me to be patient and wise. Help me to do what I need to do and not to put extra stress on my plate. Help me to prepare my heart, soul, and body for the birth of this little precious life. Thank You for allowing me to carry her. I know I am not worthy, I know that You have given this life. You are the Lord of birth. Not a single life comes into this world apart from Your knowledge. Help me to be wise as I carry her.
I'm 24 weeks today. Aria is continuing to grow and have regular workouts in the womb. Sometimes I think she is jumping up and down. I have a feeling she will be active and strong, a good playmate for her big brother. :) I'm wondering if she will be less cautious than him (Levi is pretty cautious and sometimes easily frightened). I wonder if she will be the daring little sister like I was. Lord, help me not to project my life onto her. Help me to see her as her own person with her own perspective, her own experiences. Help me to allow her to be who YOU created her to be.
I think I'm starting to nest. You know? There's like this natural instinct that kicks in with pregnant women and they start cleaning things or working on projects to improve their "nest" or their home. Mine usually kicks in around 9 pm and I'm mopping the kitchen floor or shampooing the carpets. We borrowed the carpet shampooer from Ben's parents yesterday so we could clean up the throw up smell... yes, Levi threw up three times yesterday. I'm hoping he'll be alright today. Secretly I am excited because the spots on the carpet in other areas have been staring at me for months and I've just been itching for it. I kept bringing it up and Ben would say, let's wait and have them professionally cleaned, or let's get new carpet. I'm thinking "no" in this area because we already need to buy a new (used) car for when Aria gets here, new tires, new brakes for the one we are going to keep... We are thinking of getting a mini van... yikes. That's a leap isn't it?
There's so much to being an adult and making adult decisions. You don't wait on your parents to make decisions and they decided whether or not to get new carpet or a new car... Ben and I actually GET to make a decision. The problem is that I'm really conservative with money, he feels more freedom to spend. :) I take a lot longer to make decisions (that's how it went in our family growing up) Ben makes decisions quickly. We have had our disagreements in this area. I am praying God will help me to submit to Ben's authority but also give him wise counsel (without nagging). Ben is very good at listening to me and considering my opinion. Lord, please help us to be wise with our resources! Help us as we go through life, help us to glorify You with what we have.
Only about 16 weeks left. Lord, help me to be patient and wise. Help me to do what I need to do and not to put extra stress on my plate. Help me to prepare my heart, soul, and body for the birth of this little precious life. Thank You for allowing me to carry her. I know I am not worthy, I know that You have given this life. You are the Lord of birth. Not a single life comes into this world apart from Your knowledge. Help me to be wise as I carry her.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Life with Levi
I think I have finally caught Levi's cold. I thought maybe this time I could be immune. Seriously though, it's almost impossible to not eat or drink after him or let him get in my face and try to kiss me with his fish face little lips... I hate colds. I hate how I feel when I'm getting that first sign of a sore throat. The very worst thing about Levi having one is aspirating his nose. That is the worst. I literally have to lay on top of him as he is screaming and suck the snot out with the aspirator. I usually get tons of snot and it's highly effective, but I hate it.
Some things he has been doing lately that I LOVE:
- repeating words as we read books to him
- actually sitting still as we read
- putting his hands up in the air and looking at me when he doesn't know where something is.
- randomly calling out "Cars?!" and then we have to go find them so he can play with them.
Something we need to work on:
-swallowing his food even when he doesn't like it, not spitting it out
So that's been life with my Levi lately.
Some things he has been doing lately that I LOVE:
- repeating words as we read books to him
- actually sitting still as we read
- putting his hands up in the air and looking at me when he doesn't know where something is.
- randomly calling out "Cars?!" and then we have to go find them so he can play with them.
Something we need to work on:
-swallowing his food even when he doesn't like it, not spitting it out
So that's been life with my Levi lately.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Pregnancy again. :) part 10
A cool front has come in and it feels AMAZING. I realized today that I was so used to the hot weather that I brace myself when I step out of the door, and today I was yet again pleasantly surprised and refreshed.
I'm still doing my prenatal yoga, the other day I made it through the whole 50 minute video because Levi for some reason slept until 8:45... I KNOW! Lots of you young moms are jealous of me right now. Usually he sleeps until about 6:30 or 7 but we try not to get him out of his crib until 7 so that maybe his little internal clock would register to sleep that late.
Today I did yoga with Levi. It's good that I have the moves memorized because his little head is usually in the middle of the screen. My favorite part is when he tries to do the poses. My deep breathing is often interrupted by laughter, which eggs him on... I don't even care about the breathing at that point. I guess I could get frustrated that he is interrupting things and they aren't going perfectly for my yoga session, or frustrated when he poops in his diaper halfway through it, frustrated that he wants to poke the screen and the ladies faces... but I think life is too short for that. Why not just laugh and think, "I'm so glad I have a little boy to enjoy." Why not?
I was thinking about how pregnancy is this big, LONG preparation. You are preparing your mind, your house, your body for birth, you are waiting and anticipating, you are working out and eating right (as right as you can, or are trying at least...) going to the Dr, they are weighing you, everything is like this big anticipation. Everyone asks you when you are due, you have to say it thousands upon thousands... I think the only people who remember due dates are expecting parents. I can't seem to remember other people's due dates to save my life. I am counting how many weeks I am. I keep forgetting that to the common person they may have no idea what it means to be 22 and 1/2 weeks and how that's a little more than halfway done.
I think I'm just not patient enough. I want to hurry the process along, I don't want to have to prepare and do tons of walks and yoga sessions and keep watching what I'm eating and drinking (wishing I could have more than one cup of coffee a day) and whether or not I can sleep on my back or my stomach...
Aria, please come soon. I'm sorry I'm such an impatient mother. Maybe this is a good thing for me to learn so that I will be patient with you someday. Sigh.
I'm still doing my prenatal yoga, the other day I made it through the whole 50 minute video because Levi for some reason slept until 8:45... I KNOW! Lots of you young moms are jealous of me right now. Usually he sleeps until about 6:30 or 7 but we try not to get him out of his crib until 7 so that maybe his little internal clock would register to sleep that late.
Today I did yoga with Levi. It's good that I have the moves memorized because his little head is usually in the middle of the screen. My favorite part is when he tries to do the poses. My deep breathing is often interrupted by laughter, which eggs him on... I don't even care about the breathing at that point. I guess I could get frustrated that he is interrupting things and they aren't going perfectly for my yoga session, or frustrated when he poops in his diaper halfway through it, frustrated that he wants to poke the screen and the ladies faces... but I think life is too short for that. Why not just laugh and think, "I'm so glad I have a little boy to enjoy." Why not?
I was thinking about how pregnancy is this big, LONG preparation. You are preparing your mind, your house, your body for birth, you are waiting and anticipating, you are working out and eating right (as right as you can, or are trying at least...) going to the Dr, they are weighing you, everything is like this big anticipation. Everyone asks you when you are due, you have to say it thousands upon thousands... I think the only people who remember due dates are expecting parents. I can't seem to remember other people's due dates to save my life. I am counting how many weeks I am. I keep forgetting that to the common person they may have no idea what it means to be 22 and 1/2 weeks and how that's a little more than halfway done.
I think I'm just not patient enough. I want to hurry the process along, I don't want to have to prepare and do tons of walks and yoga sessions and keep watching what I'm eating and drinking (wishing I could have more than one cup of coffee a day) and whether or not I can sleep on my back or my stomach...
Aria, please come soon. I'm sorry I'm such an impatient mother. Maybe this is a good thing for me to learn so that I will be patient with you someday. Sigh.
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